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Author Topic: My Story One week after papers come through MLC wants to talk

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My Story One week after papers come through MLC wants to talk
#130: January 22, 2025, 12:23:47 PM
Navigator you just made me laugh with the Dildo of consequence that is not lubed. 😂 I literally and figuratively open the cage for my MLCer 3 years ago. The best thing I did looking back to preserve my sanity. You really can’t do anything to change anything than get out of the way and let the tornado destroy whatever is on its way. It took me a while to realize it but I did after many attempts of trying to change its direction.
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Me 43 at BD
H    45 at BD
Married 11 yrs at BD, no kids,
BD May 2019 (I moved out Nov 2019)
EA or PA with ex gf (not sure), H spent 3 nights with the hoe during our vacation in July 2019, it was a friendly encounter according to H
H wanted D April 2020 seeing suspected OW2 (divorced with two kids) and 2 years older than him, H didn’t file the D
Clinging boomerang
6/21 H moved in with me; kicked him out 01/22
H turned into a vanisher, wants a Divorce, OW 3 (16 years younger and extreme sporty)
14.11.22 Divorce final, I'm done

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One week after papers come through MLC wants to talk
#131: January 23, 2025, 01:23:18 AM
I hope you manage to find a lawyer and find a way to borrow enough money for it. It’s a false economy to not do so for you and your kids.

It doesn’t really matter from your PoV whether your stbxh ‘wants’ to fill out a Form E or not - you didn’t want to be going through a divorce, after all - and it is what the legal process requires. On top of that, I fail to see (and so does UK law) how one can do mediation without financial information.

The reason of course why he doesn’t want to fill out the paperwork is that it weakens his position and he thinks he can con you to an agreement without it. Sorry, never nice to see the reality of who people are in this kind of situation. And of course it would be sensible to assume he will not be entirely honest in his disclosures probably.

I would encourage you to start playing hardball now even if that means projecting an air of legal confidence you don’t feel. No mediation without financial information, full stop. And no/minimal contact about anything other than legal/factual kid exchange stuff.

Uk law encourages mediation but it has conditions and you can record a case as ‘unmediatable’ if those conditions are not met. But that means you need to look like you are prepared to go to court if you must. And a solicitor who will play hardball for you and your small children. Everything else to do with ypur stbxh is hoo ha. My xh filed and then dragged his feet in crazy ways and lied a lot, including to his own solicitor (well until he eventually got caught out); my solicitor was happy to say that his behaviour made the case impossible to resolve through mediation.

But your mindset needs to shift accordingly - your stbxh is almost certainly hiding things from you and trying to bully or con you into something that suits him. Do not let him - your children need the best deal you can come up with. And that means the cost of legal support is an investment rather than a cost.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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One week after papers come through MLC wants to talk
#132: January 23, 2025, 02:10:43 AM
Quote from: The Navigator
There's nothing funny about my post.

I'm deadly serious.

The Dildo of Consequences comes for these MLCers eventually, and seldom lubed.

It must, or the entire MLC was in vain, and Providence has a problem with that.

Usually in the Depression and Withdrawal phases, the Dildo of Consequences and its trusty assistant the Reality Stick start getting to work on the MLCer. The more severe the MLC, the harder these two entities must work to force the MLCer to kneel at the Altar of Reality.

It's not unheard of, in the most severe cases, for the MLCer to commit suicide or suffer grave mental health issues in the ensuing years, rather than do the Dildo of Consequences' bidding.

The very best thing you can do is take a very hard stand, inform the MLCer that the cage door is open, and let them fly. We have to get out of their way, or "detach". You don't voluntarily stand in the path of an oncoming tornado.
Thanks for your words, it is really funny and useful  ;D

There is a quote from Bossuet (18th century) that I sometimes sent to my W in the last months :
"Dieu se rit des hommes qui déplorent les effets dont ils chérissent les causes"

I found on Internet a translation that I find fitting to these words
"God laughs about men who deplore the effects whose causes they cherish"

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M 45, W43. Married 17 years, together 20
3 children D17, D15, S6
OM discovered Dec 22, BD Jan 23 (few days after)
W living at home 16 mths post BD, then keeps moving in & out "for work" in foreign country.
Aimer, c'est donner sans attendre de retour et tout acte est prière, s'il est don de soi (Antoine de Saint Exupéry)
Love means to give without expecting return, and every act is a prayer if it is a self-gift. (thanks OffRoad !)

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One week after papers come through MLC wants to talk
#133: January 23, 2025, 05:43:17 AM
But your mindset needs to shift accordingly - your stbxh is almost certainly hiding things from you and trying to bully or con you into something that suits him. Do not let him - your children need the best deal you can come up with. And that means the cost of legal support is an investment rather than a cost.

No you are absolutely right and this is my argument how can I decide what I want or we need to do by way of finances if there is no financial disclosure - but he is refusing obviously my solicitor told me we can force him to do it and take him to court- but he will drag his heels to make me spend money.

I absolutely know he is doing it to manipulate me and believed divorce would only cost him £594.. and I’ll jus agree to all his demands and roll over an play dead - as he’s doing me a favour by not asking me to sell the house (where my business is set up) and a stable home for our AuDHD child who currently needs the stability.. apparently he feels he shouldn’t still be paying half the mortgage as he could force me to sell the house so he no longer needed to pay it - he hasn’t sort his own legal advice and refuses to - so I have almost agreed to mediation as - as you quite rightly say standards will need to be met and things will be said that he believes I am ‘making up’ 

I know if I can’t find anyone pro bono I will have to pay and find it somehow as I can’t do this without and legal representation- also why should he get everything - he earns £65,000 a year and the AP £50,000 they have to split everything. Their rent is £1700 a month.

Where as my rent and mortgage together (shared ownership) is £1350 plus all my other bills on my own including the family car we were paying for jointly £424 (all in his name) but because he doesn’t use it now I’m pay for all of it - I work only 10 hours a week sometimes 12 because I can’t do anymore with childcare..

It’s infuriating that they believe they can just walk away and we be wiped out.. like some dirty little secret
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If the ownership of the car on paper is joint, I would argue for him to contribute whether he drives it or not.
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me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

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One week after papers come through MLC wants to talk
#135: January 23, 2025, 01:00:23 PM
I would sell/end the lease and get one just in my name.

Which tbh is probably a good guiding principle right now for a bunch of things. That might mean some tough choices but the less dependent you can be on anyone else, the better. Bc you can control your choices but not others…and particularly not the kind of man who walks away from three young children and is seemingly ok with that.

He has a history of debt, so anything you can do to separate yourself from his financial affairs is a good thing. And it can protect your own credit score if you need to move house eventually etc etc. basically shut down as much as is in joint names as possible. Get things like household utilities etc in your name where you can. And imho aim for as clean a break settlement as you can, other than child support, bc no one wants keeping the light on to depend on someone who has already proven to be deceitful and unreliable.

I think you are in the UK? My best advice would be to make an appointment to go see your local Citizens Advice office as they may be a good source of guidance on places you might look for the legal and financial support you and your kids need. You might also want to Google if there are some women-centred sources of support and legal advice where you live, if you haven’t already done that.

There’s no shame in needing help for a little while, or in asking for help. It’s for a chapter in your life, not the whole book. And a reminder that you are not alone - you are not the first person to be dealing with a horrible situation feeling on the back foot, and others have found ways to get past this awful time to an other side where life feels safer and more in your control. Sadly though, we all have to pull our wellies on and wade through some s$it first in order to get there and it doesn’t happen with one mighty bound unfortunately! But you are not alone and there are people out there in the real world who get it bc they have worn those same wellies and waded through very similar s$it. I’m not sure why that alone can give us a bit of strength as humans, but it often does.

The most important thing to swallow though is that your former h is NOT on your team. He is not your friend. His children are not his priority as they are yours. And his word is worth nothing at all. He may not be your enemy, time and events will tell, but he is not your friend. Which means crafting a route forward that is not contingent on his opinions or actions as much as you can. Triage him out of your life as much as you can, bit by bit. He may end up being one of the rare birds who takes his responsibilities seriously and who wants to be as fair as possible towards his ‘old’ family, but it doesn’t look like that so far, does it? So, you plan and act accordingly…you can always be pleasantly surprised if you (and me) are wrong 😝
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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One week after papers come through MLC wants to talk
#136: January 24, 2025, 06:46:06 AM
Do not have your name on anything with this man, especially a debt note.

You will ultimately be saddled with paying it off.

Do not be afraid to "get nasty" and get legal.

MLCers respond to nothing other than their own pain and Hard Consequences.

The looming spectre of court hearings will get him - to a certain extent - to do your bidding.

An active legal process will cause him discomfort and get him to act, even if he doesn't want to.

Again, do not be afraid to "get nasty" to protect your children.
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Bomb & Separation: 28th January 2008
Moved in with OM for 5 months
EA/PA persisted from 2008 to 2010
Kids: DS ( 15 ), DD ( 14 ), DS(7) confirmed mine with paternity tests
MLC lasted 6-7 years

 

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