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Author Topic: My Story Any hope once spouse files?

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My Story Any hope once spouse files?
OP: August 07, 2024, 04:52:18 PM
Hello! New here and needing some advice. My H left our home in June because he didn’t want to talk after argument.
 

Argument happened when we were having sex and he got dizzy and started having what seemed like panic anxiety attack. I tried to take pulse and help snd he just kept blowing me off. He was obviously scared. I suggested multiple times we go to Er. I was afraid he was having heart attack. He ignored everything I suggested and got in cold shower.
 

I would like to add lately hes been struggling with keeping an erection during sex and at times has said “I feel dizzy “ and we stop. I think this may be pride and embarrassment but nevertheless I just want him healthy and never say anything except to ask if hes ok.

When he  got out of shower he seemed pissed at me so I cracked a joke thinking I could lighten mood but he didn’t like it and told me he was mad at me. I said are you washing me off you so we can go to Er?? I guess it wasn’t really funny but he shot me a death look. I got my feelings hurt and repeated going to er is a good idea and he said firmly NO!!
 

i was mad (we have both lost friends/family  due to heart attacks but told him i was going downstairs since I upset him and if he needed anything I would help him and again I repeated he should see Dr..

we both acted like asses and did silent treatment for a few days! I decided to go talk to him and he told me he wasn’t talking and if i kept pushing he would leave. I kept pushing and he left. He told me I broke a vow before he left! I asked what vow snd he said in sickness and in health!! He would not respond to texts or calls from me! Dead silence!! He did see our daughter on Fathers Day and told her he was doing things for himself right now and that he loved me very much but was just hurt!!! He Still had ring on!!! No mention of divorce she just said he seemed so sad!

7/6 a month after he left I was having a medical issue and texted him and called his cell. No answer so I called him on work number! His coworker answered snd said he needed a minute to go get him….he never picked up phone so I hung up. 45 mins later he sends me text and says our relationship is over and he will be seeking to start the divorce process!! And told me to not call his work, his employer or coworkers again. He also said he never wants to speak to me again and he will be by yo get his belongings in the near future!!! I was like wtf????
 

i ended up in hospital for a few days and he came by to feed cat and weed whack and to make sure ring camera got his ring finger with no wedding ring on his finger!!! I sent him an apology for calling him at work and but honestly I don’t even understand whats going on. He again repeated he doesn’t want to talk to me ever again. And again mentioned getting his things in near future but didn’t mention divorce!! Im completely confused.
 

he has been under a lot of stress the last year with his job and than the erection issues. Plus the new health issues that day during sex! I am  him be but am obviously so upset and sad.we were just on vacation two weeks prior to fight and the only real differences we have had has been this job of his. Just because he has gotten snappy with me when stressed and I get my feelings hurt. His job demands a lot of him and he seems on edge alot because of it! For him to leave and not talk to me is unheard of. He’s never done that!!! We have been married 19 years. Im completely shocked.
 

is it possible that he’s going through a mid life crisis? I don’t know what to do to help especially if he doesn’t want me talking to him

Ive posted this elsewhere and had ppl say he’s clearly cheating but I honestly don't think that.
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« Last Edit: August 07, 2024, 06:14:14 PM by AllieKat »

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Re: Sound like MLC??
#1: August 07, 2024, 07:17:40 PM
I just googled and cialis and viagra can cause dizziness. Maybe he´s been taking drugs to perform and thought if a little does a little, more would do more. That would explain a lot- embarrassment, shame, anger, defensiveness and fear.

IF that´s what it is, then I think you´ve got more hope than most on this site. I don´t know how you would determine if he had gotten a prescription or not.
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Sound like MLC??
#2: August 08, 2024, 12:22:23 AM
Hi Alliekat,

I am sorry for you that you are here, and I am glad that you found us. So you ask whether it is a MLC ? I don't know for sure, but from what you write there are many signs that something is not right within your H, and that looks like MLC-ish a lot : the sudden vanishing, the no-contact, the contradictive assertions (he loves you very much AND he is doing "things" for himself), the fight against his body, against you, against his job.

Regarding the erection and health issues, as a man I can tell it needs a lot of courage to go to a Dr (reading your text I asked myself many times what is an Er  ;)) especially when it is regarding our Precious. The new me found only recently the courage to go to an urolog for my Frenulum... after 22 painful years ::).

your second question is "what can you do to help when he does not want any talk from you". The answer is : you can do nothing to help, you are the least person who can help your husband, especially if it is MLC. There are many recommended things that you can do for you according to the very good advices from the vets here : protect yourself, protect your family, protect your finances. Take all the decisions as if your H will not come back. Even if it looks strange, all these things that you are doing for yourself are the best way to "help" your H in his current situation.
How many children do you have, how old are they ? How are you ? Do you sleep well and do you eat well ?

Regarding cheating, yes this is very likely. If it's MLC, you can be 99% sure that there is an Other Woman, an emotional affair or physical affair. And the words on "broken vows" as the sudden disappearance are very significant IMO.
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M 45, W43. Married 17 years, together 20
3 children D17, D15, S6
OM discovered Dec 22, BD Jan 23 (few days after)
W living at home 16 mths post BD, then keeps moving in & out "for work" in foreign country.
Aimer, c'est donner sans attendre de retour et tout acte est prière, s'il est don de soi (Antoine de Saint Exupéry)
Love means to give without expecting return, and every act is a prayer if it is a self-gift. (thanks OffRoad !)

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Sound like MLC??
#3: August 08, 2024, 01:07:19 AM
I’m so sorry - your head must be spinning.

Imho with regard to your question, it’s probably too early to know what’s really driving this or what’s really going on. Time and events tend to show up and provide more info.

Here are three things though I think you perhaps CAN know…..
Something big and significant is going on with your h.
His behaviour is not normal for normal people in a normal state of mind. (Just so you know you are not crazy lol)
You can’t control it or fix it bc it isn’t caused by you or about you, regardless of what he might say.

I’m sorry though bc I suspect that is not the kind of clarity you are looking for right now, but it is the most accurate picture based on what you seem to know right now.

What I did think reading your post is that it will probably be helpful to do what you can to reduce the emotional temperature of the situation. Again, based on what you wrote, I’m assuming that - understandably, just like most of us did - you are frightened, bewildered and angry so you are trying to stay in contact and press for answers. And getting results that are like poking a bear. My advice would be to do everything you can to reduce that….don’t chase him, don’t initiate contact, don’t share info unless it is a life threatening emergency about kids or the house had burnt down, and give yourself time to breathe and be calmer before you respond to any contact from him. Why? To lower the overall temperature and to give yourself  a bit of space to find your feet in the middle of this bizarre experience.

Do you have kids? Do you know where he is living? Shared finances? Are you financially independent? Imho once a spouse even mentions the D word, particularly if they have moved out, it is sane and wise to get some legal advice on how you might protect yourself from further damage. You don’t need to act on it, in fact I’d encourage you to breathe and go slowly on big decisions right now unless it is an emergency. But getting information can help you have time to consider what options you have to look after you and your kids if you have them.

And how are you doing on the well-being basics - sleep, eating, your mental health? Bc many LBS find that these are a challenge in the early days and it’s necessary and wise to look after yourself the best you can and get help if you need it. Bc, whatever the cause is of what’s going on, this is more of a marathon than a sprint.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Sound like MLC??
#4: August 08, 2024, 04:16:41 AM
Thank you all so much!! Definitely what I need is support!! I will try to answer the questions I saw and apologize if I miss any. Our daughter who is actually his step daughter is 24 and married. No other children. Early on like a week or so after he left I got on medication for anxiety and depression it’s helped with the constant crying I was doing. I also have started seeing a therapist.

I had a consultation with a lawyer as well too. Financially I am not well off as I went pt two years ago so thats a concern if he cuts me off financially. But I dod have a job interview yesterday for a ft job so Im hopeful. I opened up my own bank account too just in case. Only once in our marriage has there been an issue where I thought we might split! At nine years I had a miscarriage after suffering 4 prior and I  didn’t tell him I was bleeding right away. I flat out lied!! That was awful of me but please understand my hormones where a mess and I was all mixed up and felt so pressured to give him a child. He was so angry he left and was mia for a few days but then it took 9 months to get back on track. He is a grudge holder!!! And I don’t even know how I help out for him other than I lied and i felt like if he could take as long as he needed.

As far as medicine Im 99.9% sure he wasn’t taking anything at time. I think he used that maybe as an excuse to stop because he was losing his erection. I think maybe that's why he got so upset I called his work too. He felt like I couldn’t be trusted to keep that quiet. Back all those years ago When we had our issue I called his 2 coworkers he was friends with and asked them what he was doing and told him the situation. He forgave me obviously but Im thinking me calling his work and he is now the boss he was concerned I could potentially do that again! And humiliate him? I don’t know.
Prior to this all this job has been terrible for him. He has been under so much stress and gained a ton of weight like 100 lbs!!!

I definitely have not been eating great or taking care of myself like I used to. I need to work on that!! Im so lonely here at the house. I don’t have many friends either. My husband doesn’t have any either. We both were just always together. We used to have a ton but covid changed that too. Both of our best friends live in different states.

He has been staying at his work too I think someone asked. He is the boss and has a key and  they have showers, fridge, tv, microwave and a couch he could sleep on. And after 7pm till 7am he would be only one with  access. His money still goes in joint account for now and I can see his purchases as he can see mine. I could see his cell phone records too nothing going on there. So I dunno! Its a cluster F**%!!!
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Re: Sound like MLC??
#5: August 08, 2024, 07:34:20 AM
Heads up - mine got another phone and another credit card so lots of communications and purchases that I did not know about. I happened to discover the existence of phone and credit card. Then one day without any notice he stopped having his paycheck deposited into the joint account- he had opened another account at another bank.

It might be time to pay for groceries with a debit card and get cash back to stash.
What will you do if he bails on the phone plan?
The credit card?
Property taxes?
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#6: August 08, 2024, 08:12:30 AM
Well he does have two phones already one is work phone. He does have credit cards too!  Im glad you mentioned debit because thats exactly what I have done with new account.
I really don’t want to look stupid but I honestly don’t think he has someone else.  Than again who knows because I don’t think he would of done this either.

I guess if he bails on depositing pay in joint account I will go to court like lawyer told me to file some document. But we have a savings too which I would use till that was settled. He isn’t legally allowed to drain the account however I have cc too that if i need I can use. Not s great plan but what I have got. We rent our home so its a lease and legally in both our names so if one doesn’t pay they will be looking at other. Both cars are paid for but in both names.

Thats about all I have figured out. He has about $20,000 worth of tools here though. Which according to lawyer is martial property!! Hes been getting statements from dr offices here so I know something is going on just not sure what.
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Re: Sound like MLC??
#7: August 09, 2024, 12:40:18 AM
He doesn't have to be cheating to feel shame and guilt which in my view has been a huge contributor to his state of mind and feelings.

The fact that he has had difficulty in bed and a new job can place intolerable stress and one begets the other and vice versa.

His behaviour and later decisions not to talk to you, to file for D are extreme and suggest that something more serious is at play here but is it another woman?  Maybe and you need to be prepared for that. It might be a whole host of other causes.

My H once said to me in the very early throes of his affair with OW as I tried foolishly to be intimate with him, that he couldn't possibly continue having sex with someone he didn't love and he left my room and bed.

That hurt. 
So is your H cheating? Possibly and the guilt and shame contributed to his "attack" that evening. 
The person that we think is our rock and our mainstay has secrets and sometimes they don't emerge until much later and after the damage has been done.

All you can do is step back, leave him to it.  If you pursue he will distance, if you attempt to reason with him he will see you as interfering and difficult.  If you contact him he will see it as invasion of privacy.

So step back, continue sorting your finances etc and give him all the space he needs.  Any questions or thoughts you have keep to yourself for a while. 
You see even if he's not an MLCer and only time will tell, he will know your behavioural habits and he will know what you are likely to do or say therefore doing a complete 180 and the opposite of that will surprise him (and yourself) and whilst it won't change anything; it will give him and you space.

There are a few golden rules on here which apply to any challenge and not just MLC.

1. There is nothing you can do or say that will make a difference so stop trying.
2. Believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do.
3. Look after yourself as a priority (financially, emotionally and healthwise)
4. Get financial and legal advice if necessary - just a free consultation you don't necessarily need to hire a lawyer or adviser.
5. Continue to live your life as if he isn't coming back.  He's "asked" for space - leave him to it.

Hope that helps

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BD march 2013
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OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017.
Separated 2022 (my choice because he wanted to live alone) and yet fully reconnected seeing each other often.

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Sound like MLC??
#8: August 09, 2024, 01:56:04 AM
Yes it helps!!! I really appreciate that!! This is definitely challenging . As of yet he hasn’t filed but  just said he was going to!
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« Last Edit: August 09, 2024, 01:58:07 AM by AllieKat »

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The weird things they say
#9: August 10, 2024, 10:37:41 AM
I’m know I should not be focusing on something my MLC husband said in text but its the one thing that I just can’t get out of my head.

For him to say he doesn’t want me to contact him in anyway ever again. Has shook me! I know ppl say things they don’t mean in normal anger and with MLC but this stings. He has not tried to reach out he has only sent me 2 messagessince leaving. 1 to tell me he was ending our relationship and he would be starting the divorce process and to never contact him again….that was after I called his work. Which obviously inflamed him. And then an email response to me a few days later after I apologized for calling him he didn’t mention Divorce in that one but the never contact me again was mentioned again.

I guess Im focusing on his words. Anyone have any input or advice on the things they say! I know ppl say don’t believe  anything they say but words hurt!! And his actions by being gone and etc seem to go along with the words
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« Last Edit: August 10, 2024, 12:06:59 PM by AllieKat »

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The weird things they say
#10: August 11, 2024, 02:50:31 AM
I am sorry you are going through this. We've all been through this here. You are not alone. Hugs.
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Affair began likely around 2016
Moved out Nov 2018
2nd GF late? 2019
Divorce May 2020
3rd GF Nov? 2023
Me: Still single

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The weird things they say
#11: August 11, 2024, 10:03:41 AM
Thank you
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The weird things they say
#12: August 11, 2024, 11:40:12 AM
It’s so hard, but for what ever reason he thinks his life will be better without you in it. So, let him leave. Let him have what he wants. The one thing I wish I could have let sink in right away was that. When someone has decided they want to leave there is nothing that can change their mindset but them. So, give him that space and silence to miss you. Anything else will work against you
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
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Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
June 2022 XH bring OW to meet family due to xMIL illness
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife
May 2024 xMIL visits XH/OW in their new home
Aug 2024 cut relations w/XH fam.
Dec 2024 D33 expecting baby ( XH not told)

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The weird things they say
#13: August 11, 2024, 12:00:29 PM
I’m know I should not be focusing on something my MLC husband said in text but its the one thing that I just can’t get out of my head.
I guess Im focusing on his words. Anyone have any input or advice on the things they say! I know ppl say don’t believe  anything they say but words hurt!! And his actions by being gone and etc seem to go along with the words

Try to remember that what he says comes from a very, very emotional mindset. IMO, it's less about lying and more about how they feel in that moment, which can be very changeable as their emotional states change wildly. When I was first BD'd, I was like you, holding on to how definite my H's words were. It was truly unfathomable and bewildering. I spent a lot of time with those phrases going through my mind. Then 11 months later he could not remember saying them. He truly did not believe he had said these things to me. I'm saying all this so that you can see these words through the prism of a person in crisis. BUT, what is true is his actions. He is running away from his life and probably, his shame. You are so integral to his life that alas, you are part of what he is running from. But, it is not really about you. It's about him. I think Madluv is right, give him the space. He has to work this out for himself. If you reflect on his coping strategies, maybe running away is his default when he is under duress?

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« Last Edit: August 11, 2024, 12:01:30 PM by KayDee »

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The weird things they say
#14: August 11, 2024, 01:33:03 PM
Hello,

This is all very new to you and very painful. However, the hardest part is to accept that you are not the issue and you can't fix it.

Quote
For him to say he doesn’t want me to contact him in anyway ever again. Has shook me!

I wish it made sense. However, it doesn't and every story I read on the forum is just a reminder that how all of this shakes us all. Our spouses break up their families, discard friends and family, and pursue some mythical place of happiness that just doesn't exist.

I know it hurts, but you can't focus on him at all right now. You need to focus on your self care and stability. Seek the place where you can find even a moment of bliss. Please get rest , eat, and light exercise can all help get yourself grounded. Accept the no contact and don't break it. This will actually help your recovery in the long run as no contact is a safe place for you to be right now.

If he does reach out, wait until you have posted what he wrote and have a veteran assist you with a response and not a reaction.

Have a great day,

(((Ready)))
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#15: August 11, 2024, 04:50:40 PM
You are all so kind snd so helpful I truly appreciate the responses and advice! Its comforting to hear. Even though it sucks!
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#16: August 12, 2024, 07:58:13 AM
He doesn't want to have contact with you because that means that he would have to face the consequences/results of his actions. That means guilt and accountability, neither of which the Mid-Lifer wants to have ANYTHING to do with.

Take him at his word and leave all contact to lawyers. Give him what he wants in that regard. Those too are the natural consequences of his actions. He doesn't get to play both sides of the game.
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Divorce final 30 August 2019
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Sound like MLC??
#17: August 14, 2024, 09:46:31 AM
Does anyone have any experience with spouse saying awful things like don’t talk to me again and  than they eventually talk to you? I honestly am just having a difficult time with this! I mean when we had issue 9 years agonit took him 6-9 mths for us to get right again. He threatened divorce than too but he was at home so I at least saw him even if he didn’t talk. I have been reading, walking, getting therapy and focusing on myself but want some hope. My therapist doesn’t know anything about MLC so we barely even talk about my situation. I was so hoping to get this great FT job and they called today to tell me the lady who job was open decided to stay so it was no longer available but they offered me two other positions. Another strike for me. That coupled with the several items breaking, flooding and smoking around the house makes me feel like Im getting bad karma instead of H who walked out!!
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#18: August 14, 2024, 02:08:37 PM
Hello Alliekat, I remember being where you are now, not so long ago. I really took my H for his word, but he didn't remember his words later on. Yes, I have had experience of him saying dramatic things - not that he won't talk to me again, but he did say we had no future, only to turn up again on the sofa a week later. But I don't think that is hope, because while in crisis, the words don't mean so much. Sorry. This is not a platitude - you are your own hope. You are a capable, compassionate and thoughtful person. You will find your centre and move forward. There's not much you can do about your H. He has things to deal with himself that are NOTHING to do with you. I know from experience that it is hard to see this when our eyes are filled with all the dust kicked up at BD, but for me, when things started to settle, I realized that I was carrying a lot for my H. And when he fell apart, I was still somehow carrying it.  It's not your fault, truly. Things will slowly become clearer in this regard.

My therapist doesn't speak specifically in terms of MLC - but that is a label, or umbrella term really. What she has been able to do is be an  'informed witness' to my H's behaviour. She does give some analysis but the focus is on my recovery. If your therapist is not able to do this, you might consider finding another?

Oh, and re the 'strikes' - it's probably just a perception thing. I found knocks so much harder in the wake of BD, but if you think about them, they are usually part of the normal ebb and flow of life. Another job door will likely open soon.
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« Last Edit: August 14, 2024, 02:10:20 PM by KayDee »

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Sound like MLC??
#19: August 14, 2024, 02:25:24 PM
Allie,

Up until a few months ago my W would regularly text me things like, "don't ever speak to me about anything apart from the kids schedules again". She probably meant it as the words flowed out of her hands into the phone...... every single time if I didn't engage I got a friendly text from her within a minute, an hour or possibly even a day and then she wanted to be friendly and talk about anything else under the sun.

Sample of one obviously but as the HS saying goes, believe nothing of what they say and 50 percent of what they do.

B
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#20: August 14, 2024, 04:54:28 PM
I haven’t seen him since June 9th and  I have only got two texts! So I let him have space and I gave resisted the urge to do what I would of done…call,  text, go to job and pursue. Apparently thats the way but I feel like he will never come around. My friend said she thinks its a good sign hes still  has his pay going into our joint account and  still gets mail here and most of everything he owns is here still..But does that really mean anything ???
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« Last Edit: August 14, 2024, 05:03:33 PM by AllieKat »

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#21: August 14, 2024, 04:56:28 PM
Hello Alliekat, I remember being where you are now, not so long ago. I really took my H for his word, but he didn't remember his words later on. Yes, I have had experience of him saying dramatic things - not that he won't talk to me again, but he did say we had no future, only to turn up again on the sofa a week later. But I don't think that is hope, because while in crisis, the words don't mean so much. Sorry. This is not a platitude - you are your own hope. You are a capable, compassionate and thoughtful person. You will find your centre and move forward. There's not much you can do about your H. He has things to deal with himself that are NOTHING to do with you. I know from experience that it is hard to see this when our eyes are filled with all the dust kicked up at BD, but for me, when things started to settle, I realized that I was carrying a lot for my H. And when he fell apart, I was still somehow carrying it.  It's not your fault, truly. Things will slowly become clearer in this regard.

My therapist doesn't speak specifically in terms of MLC - but that is a label, or umbrella term really. What she has been able to do is be an  'informed witness' to my H's behaviour. She does give some analysis but the focus is on my recovery. If your therapist is not able to do this, you might consider finding another?

Oh, and re the 'strikes' - it's probably just a perception thing. I found knocks so much harder in the wake of BD, but if you think about them, they are usually part of the normal ebb and flow of life. Another job door will likely open soon.

Thank you!!  Sometimes I wonder if he just hates me and  is done and its not a MLC. How really can we tell? I guess time
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« Last Edit: August 14, 2024, 05:26:21 PM by AllieKat »

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#22: August 14, 2024, 09:38:39 PM
Does anyone have any experience with spouse saying awful things like don’t talk to me again and  than they eventually talk to you?

Oh yes, my MLCer said some pretty awful things, and then later on did not even remember having said those things to me.
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#23: August 15, 2024, 01:27:57 AM
Thank you!!  Sometimes I wonder if he just hates me and  is done and its not a MLC. How really can we tell? I guess time

He hates you, himself, his life, and anything and everything that reminds him of his past, his actions, because that reminds him of the guilt that the Mid-Lifer stuffs down and tries not to notice for behaving like such a tool. My MLCxW doesn't remember saying things that she said and, even today, denies she said things 3-4 years after her D that there are witnesses to. She has totally rewritten history to make it fit with the picture in her mind....

As far as it being a Walk-Away Spouse or an MLC, to be honest, it really makes zero difference in the long game. In both situations, the focus is on YOU. You living your best life. YOU living as if they are not coming back (whether they do or not is a different story). YOU being the rock for your kids (if you have them). YOU taking control of the things in life that you can control and letting go of those things which you can not control.

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Me - 61, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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#24: August 16, 2024, 12:49:10 PM
Apparently thats the way but I feel like he will never come around.

Keep in mind that this is the way for you to stabilize yourself, not to create any kind of action or response in him. He'll do what he'll do, but you can focus on taking care of yourself. Hang in there!

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#25: August 16, 2024, 03:53:09 PM
Today I lost my marbles a bit! I saw through informed delivery I was getting a letter from our landlord. He has never sent us anything so I assumed that it was go let me know H broke lease. We rent and both of our names are on lease so if I don’t pay he’s responsible snd vice versa. When H first threatened D and said he would be collecting his things in near future, I reached out to landlord and told him my husband and I were going through rough time and he wasn’t acting normal and I was concerned about him breaking lease and I being stuck. He assured me if he heard from my H he would let me know via mail because he had to put it in writing legally.

Needless to say when I saw that piece of mail was coming I freaked. I broke out in sweat and my heart was racing so I reached out to landlord and he didn’t back to me right away but when he did he said it was just way he was starting to send trash bill…ugh I over reacted Again. I say again because this is something I do especially with H gone. Im working on getting Full-time job and should be receiving an offer letter soon from one place as they offered me a position. So Im hoping I can be more financially secure but till than every two weeks I panic to see if his Direct deposit hits and it sucks!! 

Im on anxiety meds and they doubled the dose but I still worrying myself crazy especially over finances.
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#26: August 17, 2024, 04:08:36 AM
More spiraling going on here….I see a certified mail piece has be created for me so I assume this is my H sending me D papers. Its from his zip at work where he can create stamp and have them pick it up.. i know I assumed stuff prior but his work zip and certified mail seems to coincidental.

I don’t even know what to do besides throw up!! 19 years poof and im not even sure why. I don’t have money for a lawyer but i don’t want to just roll over and sign anything. PA has a one year separation law so I figured I could do that but once he sees im being difficult and just not signing he will probably cut me off financially too. Ugh I’m sad, i’m sick I’m pissed
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Re: Sound like MLC??
#27: August 17, 2024, 05:00:54 AM
Allie,

The ‘spiraling’’ is normal, at least it was for me. She left her sock on the floor, what does that mean? She did this: does that mean something? I guess when you’re in survival mode you are focused about everything. It took me a while to realize that they don’t even know what they are doing, they are so confused about who they are and what they want. Good luck with the job offer, I’m sure you’ll get it!

Good luck
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#28: August 17, 2024, 06:16:57 AM
Quote
I don’t even know what to do besides throw up!! 19 years poof and im not even sure why. I don’t have money for a lawyer but i don’t want to just roll over and sign anything. PA has a one year separation law so I figured I could do that but once he sees im being difficult and just not signing he will probably cut me off financially too. Ugh I’m sad, i’m sick I’m pissed

One thing that helps is to take some control back. You don't want this, I totally understand. I thought the longer I could postpone anything legal, the better chance that with time he would "come to his senses" but that was not to be.

I learned to separate the  business from the emotional aspects of the end of our  marriage. The legal separation divided our assets and gave me a few years of financial support and that was really important to have.

The day I signed the papers and put them in the mail, I thought I was ok...later that night I started having chest pain...eventually I went to ER, responded to nitro and they kept me in overnight to monitor and did a stress test. Thankfully, it was a panic attack that caused the chest pain so I understand the physiology of your feeling that you want to throw up...indeed I used to gag a lot and have that feeling.

It is unfortunate that you cannot afford a lawyer, because this is really important, to get this right could impact the rest of your life.

Even though I had a  lawyer, I had two friends on Hero's Spouse that went through the document with me, sentence by sentence, to make sure that I had not missed anything, to make sure I understood what the legal document entailed. I was embarrassed to share it with anyone, felt this was my personal stuff and how could I share it with "strangers"? but I am very glad I did.

Most of us here have gone through the legal stuff and we can share things that you should be aware of...you are not alone.

You are very early in this time of crisis...his crisis sends us into our own crisis. In order to function, I needed to get out of the fight/flight/freeze response that my body was in. Therapy helped, exercise and yoga helped, journalling helped and I had a prescription for clonezapam, an antianxiety medication that I took when I could not stop shaking, could not calm down.

There are many triggers...example, I'd see a car drive down my street, the same make and color as his and would think it was him...just one small example of how skewed we become in our thoughts.

Minute by minute, breath by breath...I also had an 2 friends who I was able to talk to anytime...they would listen over and over again to my cries.....I will never forget how important they were to me.
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« Last Edit: August 17, 2024, 06:24:44 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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#29: August 17, 2024, 08:03:52 AM
Yeah everything has crossed my mind!! The not knowing the lack of him just communicating what made him decide this. Its crazy and I get he doesn’t owe me anything but why is he acting like this is all my fault. And to try to so quickly. I went to shoot him off a text and ask wtf is up? 19 years and you can’t respect me enough to talk? Whats he afraid of? My magic powers?? Its insane. His last text to me was to keep the civil dialogue he asks me not to try to communicate with him in any way!
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#30: August 17, 2024, 09:04:35 AM
Allie,

You are likely in an extreme fight/flight fear response. Ironically, what you are afraid of is your H. Your body/emotional self is telling you, correctly, that he is harmful to you. You are hyper-alert, your cortisol will likely be very high, you are on a hair-trigger expecting imminent danger. Others may disagree with this description, but when I was in your shoes,my H's actions felt like emotional violence. No, there is no logic to it. Why does he blame you? Because he is also operating on an extreme fight/flight fear response, but, unlike you, he cannot look at himself, that is unbearable. So he is looking without, through an extremely emotional lens, where he must act to save himself. Alas, all the MLCrs do this. It is not your fault. You do not deserve this. Your H lacks the emotional coping skills to deal with what has now become an existential/identity crisis. I sense from your earlier posts you may have been protecting him emotionally for most of your marriage. Now he has imploded.

This may sound harsh, but I hope it will help you calm yourself from your current state of panic. In many ways, your H has already done the worst of it, he has blown up your marriage. That is not to say that you cannot reconcile in the future, but the marriage as was, it is gone. I had to keep telling myself this, and to not to be afraid of losing what was already lost. It's a very hard pill to swallow, but it does help you deal with the next stages with less fear.

Regarding communication - he doesn't get to say how you communicate. That's your choice. And please note the double standard from him - he can send you things, but you just have to sit there with duct tape on your mouth? I personally think a WTF text is ill advised  (albeit cathartic  8) ).  I always wrote things out first, and let it sit for a day. Or I read to a friend for a more level head on the matter.  It takes some time because at first we at shattered into little pieces, but eventually you will see that you have equal rights in this situation. You are not powerless.

If you can get a break from your current environment, it may be restorative. Go for a walk, visit a friend? Whatever you need to redirect your thoughts for a while. I really get the whole dread of waiting for the next shoe to drop, but often, the anticipation is much, much worse. And often, we can get into a complete stew about nothing.
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« Last Edit: August 17, 2024, 09:05:40 AM by KayDee »

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#31: August 17, 2024, 10:18:44 AM
What I want you to do right now is BREATHE
Like this https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/321805#how-to-do-it

Do nothing else right now but - depending on the time of day - breathe, calm your system down, go for a walk, keep breathing, make something simple but good to eat. Take a bath, read a book, watch a movie. Keep breathing.
You don’t need to do anything else today.

Breathing will help you to respond not react and to deal with that bit of mail tomorrow with a calmer mind.
Above all do not contact your h - he does not have the answers you need and it will not help you.

Doing nothing is also doing something imho.

Maybe check back in with us tomorrow when you have opened the horrid mail? Xxxx
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« Last Edit: August 17, 2024, 10:19:50 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#32: August 17, 2024, 11:07:17 PM
Im definitely defeated and feeling suicidal and have reached out to several people today!! It sucks so bad
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#33: August 18, 2024, 12:19:12 AM
Hi AllieKat,
I’m 4 months post BD.  I went through all the feelings you are feeling. I still have bad days. When I feel my lowest and worst, I’ve come to realize I need to do something else to move forward into what will eventually be my wonderful new life. Someone once told me, “Depression is anger turned inward.”  Sllow yourself to get royally pissed off and then channel that energy into decluttering, maybe toss his stuff in boxes and move it into the garage. Maybe it’s journaling all these feelings and getting them down on paper.  Exercise is really good for getting anger out. I can say that I am beginning to get in touch with my real inner strength and developing a skill set I wouldn’t want to trade in for anything. I don’t know you, but I bet you have a really sharp skill set. I bet you are excellent with budgeting and multitasking. I bet you are a great listener and great at emphasizing with people and helping them.  There is so much you have to offer.

Tell me, what are your goals for next week? Is there anything you have always wanted to get started doing, but put off until your plate was clear? 

I’m getting started remodeling the house. I’ve always put it off and been too busy being someone else’s emotional support. In the midst of dealing with MLC garbage, I am finding something new to look forward to every day.  I’m even splurging and buying myself a new skirt. I haven’t bought one in years.
Have you ever seen the movie Diary of a Mad Black Woman, starring Tyler Perry?  He plays a character named Madea, who steps up to bat for her niece, and delivers some instant karma to this poor girl’s husband. I watched this movie a month ago and it was wildly funny!  I don’t want to give anything away.  This movie is such good therapy for LBSes to watch, imho. It’s such good therapy laughing at all the hilarious comeuppance in the movie😄
(((((((((AllieKat)))))))))
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#34: August 18, 2024, 11:15:04 AM
Im definitely defeated and feeling suicidal and have reached out to several people today!! It sucks so bad

How are you doing today, my friend?

When I was in my darkest days, someone told me that it’s ok to have suicidal thoughts (well not ok, it sucks but you know what I mean) but the trick is to not turn them into actions.
Your job is to outlast them.
Which normally means reaching out for help if you need it, distracting yourself temporarily with other things (doesn’t matter what they are) and hunkering down until the worst of the metaphorical storm passes.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#35: August 19, 2024, 02:08:17 AM
How are you feeling this morning Allie?
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#36: September 02, 2024, 08:42:42 PM
Im here still. He  has filed but I haven’t received papers yet. I am hopeful he will wake up one minute than crying alone in the house the next. It just makes no sense and I wish when spouses did this we could send them off to get help . I miss him so much and gather he doesn’t miss me at all. He recently joined Fb which he always hated and refused to get on till now. Other ppl don’t seem to notice the change in him. So now i question myself? Am I wrong? Is it not mlc is it just he got sick of me??
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#37: September 02, 2024, 09:06:41 PM
Hi AllieKat, I’m a newbie too so take what I say with a grain of salt  but I’ve also recently been spiraling as to what I may have done to cause this. I’m not sure if your situation is MLC, but it’s a very sudden change and he’s turning into his evil twin in a way, so could possibly be. It was (and is) difficult to process, but truly the only thing you can control is yourself. MLC is not the fault of a spouse; it may be due to his childhood and upbringing. Sure, there may be a trigger, but the eventual fallout was bound to happen. In no way is this crisis about you. But you need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself- small meals, protein shakes, soft foods, walks in sunshine, lots of water. Baby steps because this is an insane trauma and you’ve got to recenter to move forward. You’ve got this! Always feel free to journal; this group is amazing.
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Do other people notice
#38: September 04, 2024, 12:01:27 PM
I’m wondering if any you gave had experience with nobody else noticing spouse’s behavior? My husband had a small circle. Honestly him and I did everything together. He really didn’t have friends. He has ppl he works with but he is in charge of them so if they notice anything they most likely won’t say it. My daughter is grown and married and not around a lot. His bf is in California and they only talk a handful of times and my husband always said he never shared much with him. So, when my daughter does go out with hubby she says he seems same to her. She thinks whats he is doing is crazy and doesn’t understand why but I feel on an island where nobody thinks he is different really but me. Nobody knows him like me though either!!
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Do other people notice
#39: September 04, 2024, 01:24:46 PM
I think they mostly hide the turmoil for stretches of time that allows them to keep functioning as "normal." But I think they can only do this for hours at a time. 

A little bit after BD last year, we took a vacation with my sister.  Therefore we spent several days together which means it was harder for her to hide the turmoil.

My sister says during the trip she noticed STBXW was being unusually harsh to me and that she was doing bizarre things that didnt make sense.  For instance, we had reservations at a nice steakhouse but instead of waiting one hour, she ordered some crap hamburger at a cafeteria.  She did the same thing the next day and ordered food from Wendys instead of waiting 30 minutes for us to get into a lounge at the airport that had better food.  These things I didnt notice too much at the time, but looking back I see how that might have set off alarms with my sister. 

I told my FIL at one point that I thought something was wrong with STBXW.  We had and still have a positive relationship so I was hoping he might notice.  But, nope, complete denial.  She doesnt have many friends, so its hard to judge on that but amongst the friends we did have, what they thought was bizarre was her complete absence at the kid meetups.  She was studying for some test for her career (supposedly) but looking back now it is bizarre how a mother wouldnt be at nearly any events for her 1-2 year old over the course of like 9 months.   My therapist at one point asked me when the last time STBXW took son out to do anything and I realized she had done NOTHING with him for over half the year. 

What I came to understand was that most of the people around me noticed something but they arent going to say anything.  You would need to prompt and ask them.   And even then the MLCer can probably cover it up for a few hours.  But if its something longer like a vacation and other people are around for extended periods, I would guess they could notice.
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« Last Edit: September 04, 2024, 01:26:09 PM by LBSinUSA »

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Do other people notice
#40: September 04, 2024, 01:33:09 PM
For my situation the only people that noticed were me (obviously!), our son and W's best and oldest fried....so the people that really know her. Other people didn't notice a difference and a couple of mutual friends said they didn't believe me when I told them what W was saying to me behind closed doors - I never confided in them again!
These MLC folks are very good at putting on face and showing the world how 'happy' they are. Anecdotally, from most of the stories we read on here, the mask tends to start slipping a while into their crisis.
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Do other people notice
#41: September 04, 2024, 02:44:03 PM
I remember about 20 years ago when I suspected H was cheating with a co worker. We were in the living room watching a documentary about the actor Spencer Tracy. I wasn’t paying much attention at the time, but I do remember something he said. When Spencer Tracy was asked if he found acting to be difficult. His reply was, “Acting is the easiest thing in the world.”
H said he agreed with him.
When I heard him quickly agree, I had this background feeling of, “Uh oh.”
I think co workers can be fooled.  Friends they are not terribly close to can be fooled.  Distant family can be fooled. Looking back, I have to be quite honest, he always worked later when his family would stop by.  We have no friends in common.  No church or social groups in common. One has to wonder why…
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Re: Do other people notice
#42: September 04, 2024, 04:14:34 PM
I actually almost started a thread about this because I've recently had a casual friend pop up in MLC. I wanted to assure you all, that YES, other people sense something is off!

In my case, his family loved the MLC version of him more, so I got no friendly shoulders there. But I had our accountant and other friends and family members point out to me how weird he seemed and that something was wrong. The exact words of my accountant were, "That's not the (MLCer) that I know." He also lost a lot of local guy friends that had originally been his compadres in all of this because he just got too extreme with his behaviors. Several of them started coming to me with confirmation that he was going off the deep end. He even shared with me once that at the first MLC job he started (and soon lost), they'd asked him to leave meetings because his weird tics and behavior were disruptive. His manager asked him if he was on meds, and when he told him that he'd gone off of them, the guy said, "Maybe you should consider taking them again."  ??? He told me this because he wanted me to feel bad about how mean people were to him.  ::)

But from my perspective now of seeing someone else doing ridiculous things to their spouse and definitely pushing away any family and friends that don't agree with them (and I totally expect to be one of them soon since I tried to elucidate her about MLC and the trap she was falling into), it's just as repelling and weird as I'm sure it was for other casual friends around my xH. She has the classic war with spouse/war with family (she's cut off both parents and her brother)/war with job (refuses to work at all, but especially in the field she got her master's in)/and war with God is in the form of switching religions to a very strict Evangelical style when that was not her at all before, pulling her kids out of school suddenly to homeschool, and judging everyone. We all know the underlying "war with self" is going to be the biggie. I have no clue how she'll meet an alienator, but she's talking about going to expensive retreats, so the odds are getting better. ;) Even knowing about MLC as long as I have and having experienced this first hand, it's still so bizarre to see it play out so literally.
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Do other people notice
#43: September 04, 2024, 04:28:25 PM
Off topic, but:
I have no clue how she'll meet an alienator, but she's talking about going to expensive retreats, so the odds are getting better. ;)
Yeah. I have An old partying acquaintance that I’ve written about on the vanishers thread who has been holed up at various Caribbean getaways and different retreats for like 2 years now. She’s had a steady stream of OM, and often tries to send her castoffs to me. I’ve had to block a few emails from strange men, several with unwanted pictures, saying “M gave me your info…” If you could smell these messages, they would definitely smell like Drakar Noir, old cigars and scotch.
And I notice her weird selfish, entitled, ego-driven shadow self, but I’m not sure many others do, or they shrug it off because it simply doesn’t affect them.
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Re: Do other people notice
#44: September 04, 2024, 06:42:16 PM
My W put pics of her and OM on social media so her family and mine definitely noticed. He gone now but the damage has been done.
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Any hope once spouse files?
#45: September 04, 2024, 08:17:31 PM
Sorry for so many posts…its the only way I know how to cope! My crazy brain H filed! I want to have hope but its now a ticking clock attached. Ppl say its just paper but to me its the end of a 19 yr life!! It definitely won’t happen overnight but still I’m feel hopeless. I have no real reason why he choose this. He left and hasn’t spoken to me other than to say he doesn’t want to talk to me ever again! Its pure craziness. We had a argument he had been very stressed with his job, he had been having ed issues than had this health scare and refused to go to er! I was mad and we didn’t talk for a few days! I than wanted to talk it over and he got so mad and said if I didn’t stop pressing he was leaving. So he left. He told our daughter a few weeks later he loved me very much and was just hurt. (I assume because I didn’t talk to him ) i called him at work a 2 weeks later and he refused my call and than sent me a text to say he wanted to end our relationship! I didn’t bother him again but I accidentally included him in a text that i had talked to a lawyer and it was heartbreaking to think of divorcing. Two weeks later he filed!!! This has happened so fast and I have no answers and now D on the line!! I can’t help but think he rushed to file because of that text but it doesn’t really matter because he did file!
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#46: September 04, 2024, 09:53:00 PM
If you could smell these messages, they would definitely smell like Drakar Noir, old cigars and scotch.

I don't remember messaging you... (Just kidding, I ran out of Drakar Noir long ago.)

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Everything has a beginning and an end. Life is just a cycle of starts and stops. They're ends we don't desire, but they're inevitable and we have to face them. That's what being human is all about.  -Jet Black, Cowboy Bebop

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Any hope once spouse files?
#47: September 04, 2024, 10:01:54 PM
Hi, Allie

I don't think anything you could have done would have changed whether or not he filed; he would have found whatever excuse he needed. I hoped my ex wouldn't file, but figured she would, and she did. A week before Christmas! On the plus side, that ended the questions/waiting/worrying, and gave me specific tasks to focus on in response. Somehow, I didn't feel particularly emotional about supplying my own information; that was just business. Seeing her information (credit card statements, etc.) was more of a downer, but I only briefly glanced at one of those. I had a lawyer to deal with the numbers. My ex was a bit unrealistic with her expectations for asset splits, to be sure.

Not much solace in that, but hang in there and focus on pushing yourself through this. Post here whenever you need to (but it's best to keep everything on one thread by replying to your own thread).

<hugs>

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Everything has a beginning and an end. Life is just a cycle of starts and stops. They're ends we don't desire, but they're inevitable and we have to face them. That's what being human is all about.  -Jet Black, Cowboy Bebop

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Re: Any hope once spouse files?
#48: September 05, 2024, 12:31:52 AM
Allie,

Same boat here, she filed in March, we have a pre-trial meeting in November. I agree, it’s just a piece of paper but it holds a lot of Memories and holds your whole lives as a couple. I’ve heard that some file and do nothing. I’ve spoken to people here who have their spouse file and it just sits and then the LBS picks up the ball and runs with it. I’m not trying to give false hope because every situation is different but it does happen. The courts move slowly so I am finding that this is giving me time to heal. Also I am in the ‘not lifting a finger’ club. She wants a divorce? Ok, go for it, I can’t legally stop her from doing what she wants but I don’t have to help. Maybe im delaying the inevitable but again more time=more healing. Some talk a big game but when you have to pay retainers and all those fees some will back off or delay. Again each case is different, good luck!

PS Give yourself some grace. Dont beat yourself up about that text, I agree with JB.
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Any hope once spouse files?
#49: September 05, 2024, 02:46:19 AM
I can see that you are deeply distressed, AllieKat, and I am so sorry. Please don’t apologise for posting - we get it and most of us know what it is like to feel how you feel at the moment. (Although you might find it better to keep posting your questions and thoughts on one thread so we can follow along with you, no need to start a new thread for new questions and the moderators will help with that if you need help)

With that feeling of distress, your brain and body feet a bit wired and flipping around, don’t they? Usually sleeping and eating is a bit tricky too. How are you doing on those basics? I ask bc experience tells us that the best way to navigate this is to try things to calm your brain and body down, to go a little slower even though your brain is probably telling you to do the opposite. To take baby steps, to breathe, to be kind and gentle with yourself. To find some support….a decent IC, family, friends. Someone here told me to treat myself as if I had been run over by a truck and was in the emergency room and that was good advice bc that was exactly what it felt like. But doing that tends to mean dropping back into small slow ways to focus on your own well-being in the moment, to focus on things that help 1% rather than looking for things that are a big fix in one leap of that makes sense.

Your brain right now is probably telling you a couple of things (bc that’s how normal brains respond to shock and trauma). The first is that the ‘answer’ lies with your h. The second is that if you can figure it out, you can make it all go away. Experience here sadly tells us that both are unlikely to be true.

So, is there hope? Yes, always yes. But does it rest in the hands of your h? Almost certainly not. And will this situation magically go away? Almost certainly not. It is as it is, and that current reality is what is on your plate…..hope lies in the place on the other side of that and as yet it’s probably pretty difficult to see what that might look like. But hope is still important…..it’s just right now the situation requires you to keep walking forwards without being able to see it clearly bc so many things are uncertain.

Do you have a lawyer? Bc, regardless of how you feel about it (and it’s normal to feel how you feel), your h has pressed the button on a legal process which has a life of its own that is nothing to do with feelings. And few of us can do our best thinking legally when we are so distressed….so you need to outsource that thinking to someone who knows legal things you don’t.

All of this is not an easy path to navigate with one’s sanity and resources safeguarded for better days to come, we do understand that. But nonetheless, the best any of us can do in life is work forward from the reality of where we are today.

How can we best help you right now, my friend?

PS in case it helps, here is a link about breathing from a great coach I worked with on some of the basics for a little while https://www.facebook.com/chloe.stephens.74/videos/531401573165954/
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« Last Edit: September 05, 2024, 02:49:54 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


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Any hope once spouse files?
#50: September 05, 2024, 05:53:07 AM
Thank you all! I have a lawyer ready to go but am still waiting on the actual papers! I want to shake  my husband….hard. Literally and this mlc bs ugh can I shake that too. I have been talking to a coach she mostly deals with mlc spouses. And helps you try to get them home. Im struggling with being positive though. I think if we talked it be different but since he has shut that door. To think this whole thing started while being intimate boggles my brain. His avoidance to talk or see him also is crazy. I think it hurts him to see me and in his crazy mind not seeing me or talking to me will eventually kill the love. I dunno either way he’s a coward!
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#51: September 05, 2024, 07:48:19 AM
I also want to mention for the period of like almost two weeks I didn’t post on here I rented a car and tried to follow him. I say try because I had more fails than actual follows. I got stuck behind ambulance, stayed too far back that I missed where he turned and Im no great detective…lol

However I did follow him two different days. Weird thing was I went a random way and literally passed by him at gas station. That night he slept in walmart parking lot in car. He went nowhere otger than gas, food and inside walmart. Second day I was having ice cream in town he workd and he passed by so another fluke. He went to a local food mart, sams club for gas and just drove around. He slept in rest stop! I saw his face at gas station and he looked angry or just plain different. Maybe that’s my perception but he definitely didn’t look happy or care free. No other woman either. He could be having EA with someone online or etc! I really don’t know but he idnt really the ladies man, never was. I feel like if anything he would take up with someone not very attractive just to get over me. Not being mean but hes very overweight, married, struggling with Ed and is living out of car, still sharing all his $ with me so not sure hes a catch.
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#52: September 05, 2024, 08:28:37 AM
If you could smell these messages, they would definitely smell like Drakar Noir, old cigars and scotch.

I don't remember messaging you... (Just kidding, I ran out of Drakar Noir long ago.)

My Members Only jacket is around here somewhere...

😂
We should have a thread about all the things that MLCers do in 2024 that prove that they are emotionally living in 1984.
I remember mine starting chewing Big League Chew and watching ESPN Classic.
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Any hope once spouse files?
#53: September 05, 2024, 08:52:03 AM
Thank you all! I have a lawyer ready to go but am still waiting on the actual papers! I want to shake  my husband….hard. Literally and this mlc bs ugh can I shake that too. I have been talking to a coach she mostly deals with mlc spouses. And helps you try to get them home. Im struggling with being positive though. I think if we talked it be different but since he has shut that door. To think this whole thing started while being intimate boggles my brain. His avoidance to talk or see him also is crazy. I think it hurts him to see me and in his crazy mind not seeing me or talking to me will eventually kill the love. I dunno either way he’s a coward!

I have tried to shake my wife. My kids have tried too. Once fully in MLC I think it's a lost cause for a long time.

My wife left in January - I will never get her to come back. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Just take care of yourself.
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#54: September 05, 2024, 08:56:40 AM
Before my wife left said some very weird things to neighbors and only talked about herself in those encounters.

Our last dinner party, she only talked about herself and then shut down with the conversation was about anything or anyone else.

Everyone noticed in retrospect but ... like others my wife didn't have any close friends.
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« Last Edit: September 05, 2024, 09:59:34 AM by Atari25 »

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Any hope once spouse files?
#55: September 05, 2024, 12:24:21 PM
My wife filed 2 months ago formally and has her two feet on the accelerator pedal.  It deeply upset me but I can't change her thinking that it will bring her peace.  I think their anger gets the best of them from what I have read some feel a strange relief in just filing it.  I can't understand any of this.  So sorry for your situation.  Keep faith in God and his bigger plan.  That is what helps me.
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Any hope once spouse files?
#56: September 05, 2024, 12:54:30 PM
Hi AllieKat,

I have merged your threads (you had started 4) so that people can read back and follow your story.

You can ask questions on this thread and if you wish to change the title of the thread that is possible.

You are asked to continue on one thread only until you reach 150 posts. Then you can close that thread and start a new one...copying the address of the old thread.

This helps to keep the forum functioning.

To find your most recent posts, you can go to members, find your name and click on it. It will say show posts on the left and that will take you to the latest post that has been made chronologically.

Thanks for your understanding.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Any hope once spouse files?
#57: September 05, 2024, 01:00:29 PM
Ok thank you…sorry my mind isn’t working responsibly
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#58: September 19, 2024, 06:49:01 PM
Just posting to update my sad story only because its therapy for me. My h financially cut me off on 9/11 and I didn’t take it well. I attempted suicide! I went into garage and ran lawn mower till I go sickly and couldn’t stand. I panicked and had my iPhone (siri) call 911! I was unresponsive when they arrived but I was helicoptered to Philly for treatment for carbon monoxide poisoning . Im here but still miserable! I was held in psychiatric ward for week. All it did was make things worse. My only child isn’t speaking to me an my husband used my absence to move all his things out and cut off cable/wifi!

Why do I feel like i cant accept losing him!! I just cant believe this is my life. I had hope he’d change mind but now reality has hit and im not sure thats even possible and heck why would he want to? I look like a crazy person!!!
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#59: September 19, 2024, 07:17:19 PM
Thank you for sharing your story here. You are not the first LBS who has attempted suicide and will not be the last. We understand. It is safe for you to write here and I agree. It can be extremely therapeutic to both write it out and to get support from others who share similar feelings.
Sometimes it is hard to find the right fit with a therapist but keep looking. Also, if you have been prescribed medications, antidepressants can take up to 6 weeks to take effect. Often too, the dose or the actual drug needs some tweaking.
Do not lose hope.
The hard part for me was accepting that he was gone, our marriage was gone, my best friend was gone…….I cried all the time and it took me a long time to recover.
The thing that helped the most was finding a therapist who specialized in treating trauma.
I found things that would give me a few minutes of relief. First, volunteer work at a food bank where I stacked shelves…I didn’t need to think, I didn’t really need to talk to anyone.
Then at a cat adoption agency cleaning the rooms and feeding the cats.
Then I discovered golf…surprisingly when I address the golf ball, for those few breaths, my mind was empty as I could only focus on hitting the ball. Yoga was also essential.
I was fortunate to have a few really good friends that stood by me.
And prayer was also a very important part in my healing.
You will find your own path….you will be able to look back, a month, two months, six months and you will see that things do get better.
Keep writing. We get it and we are here for you.
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« Last Edit: September 19, 2024, 07:18:28 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Any hope once spouse files?
#60: September 19, 2024, 09:57:11 PM
AllieKat,
I remember feeling depressed almost nonstop for two months after bomb drop back in April.  I think what made me feel better was gradually doing little things moving forward and to take control of my situation.  Little things like changing the bed around and hanging up different curtains. Making a list of what I needed financially and what I could provide for myself at the moment. I got legal advice and that made me feel better. It was easier to make a plan moving forward.  Be kind to yourself and be patient.  Over time there will be more good days than bad. The further down the road you get on this journey, the more you will discover your strengths and hidden talents. My H still drops a mini bomb here and there, but it doesn’t get to me as much as it used to. Well, I’m starting to ramble, so I should see what the kids are up to.
Hang in there,
We’re all on this same road together here.
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Any hope once spouse files?
#61: September 20, 2024, 12:30:46 AM
I am very sorry that you reached that point of action and very glad you did not succeed. How brave of you to share that point of rock bottom so honestly. And yes, as Xyzcf said, you are not alone and a number of us get it.

This life experience is staggeringly hard to walk through, isn’t it? It’s hard to even visualise a day in the future where things will feel better. Hard to know what to hope for. But there is an other side to all of this even if you can’t see it yet. Bc that’s how life naturally works - your job is to find whatever you need to stick around for long enough to see that other side. That’s all.

Please treat yourself as kindly as you would a best friend. Be gentle with yourself. Recognise that you are currently in the life equivalent of the ER. Do what you can. Pull back into a day at a time. Look for help and let yourself take it. Do you have an IC right now? I agree with Xyzcf about finding one who gets trauma. It’s amazing how feeling heard by someone who knows you’re not crazy, even if you feel like you are, can make.

Those of us who have been in your shoes send you our biggest best hugs. We know you’re not crazy, just overwhelmed and afraid. Keep going, one day at a time, one hour at a time if necessary….remember, your only job is to outlast this storm in your life long enough to see the first glimmers of sunlight. And it’s ok to do whatever is necessary to do that as long as it does not harm your body and spirit more.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


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Any hope once spouse files?
#62: September 20, 2024, 12:38:56 AM
Oh, and a PS….if I recall rightly, you have seen a lawyer. If your h has cut off financial things and came into your home to take things, one of the things you need to do - even if you don’t want to - is tell your lawyer and find out what can be done about that. Legally, you and your h both have rights and obligations. Let your lawyer deal with that bit of the mess.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Any hope once spouse files?
#63: September 20, 2024, 01:10:55 AM
Just posting to update my sad story only because its therapy for me. My h financially cut me off on 9/11 and I didn’t take it well. I attempted suicide! I went into garage and ran lawn mower till I go sickly and couldn’t stand. I panicked and had my iPhone (siri) call 911! I was unresponsive when they arrived but I was helicoptered to Philly for treatment for carbon monoxide poisoning . Im here but still miserable! I was held in psychiatric ward for week. All it did was make things worse. My only child isn’t speaking to me an my husband used my absence to move all his things out and cut off cable/wifi!

Why do I feel like i cant accept losing him!! I just cant believe this is my life. I had hope he’d change mind but now reality has hit and im not sure thats even possible and heck why would he want to? I look like a crazy person!!!

First I am so sorry you are in so much distress and pain. I think most of us here really get it as we have had some version of how you feel.

Having said that and without any judgment I want to urge you to immediately get help and support for the short term with the level of distress that drove you to attempt to harm yourself. I want to be clear its not that what you feel is not OK, rather you are somewhere right now where professional help is immensely helpful.

You have gotten great advice about financial and personal care to get you through this, I want to urge adding a professional to help with as Treasur put it well “life equivalent of ER.”

Is this an option for you?
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Any hope once spouse files?
#64: September 20, 2024, 04:00:49 AM
Oh, and a PS….if I recall rightly, you have seen a lawyer. If your h has cut off financial things and came into your home to take things, one of the things you need to do - even if you don’t want to - is tell your lawyer and find out what can be done about that. Legally, you and your h both have rights and obligations. Let your lawyer deal with that bit of the mess.

^^^^THIS!^^^^

Basically, if he has moved out, this could be considered theft in some parts of the US as you were not there and there is no agreement on the removal of things from the house.
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#65: September 20, 2024, 04:48:08 AM
I’m sure the past week or so has been really frightening and overwhelming. If you to take a look at any discharge plan you were given when you were released, I’m hopeful that there were suggestions and plans for at least an outpatient follow up, if not an outpatient day program. And hopefully these suggestions were made by the staff based upon What they knew of you at the time of your admission regarding insurance or no insurance etc. I really want to encourage you to make this your priority. Right now you are overwhelmed with fear and pain, but this can help you move from that place and once you are under the care of someone who can help you deal with the immediate risk, they can also assist you in what feels like the unbearable task of attacking the legal aspects of your financial security. Please know that you are important and matter on your own, no matter what choices he’s making.
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Any hope once spouse files?
#66: September 20, 2024, 06:41:28 AM
Saying hello to you and let us know how you are.

The support here, shows that you are not alone and that this is an extremely traumatic event in our lives. We also have our our past history that contributes to what we are experiencing now...past loss, past rejection, abandonment and abuse......triggers which cause us to go into fight/flight/freeze.

Your nervous system is in the "freeze" aspect...possibly experiencing dissociation, numbness, depression, helplessness, shut down, hopelessness..feeling overwhelmed and "I can't". The body can self regulate and there are several techniques that can help.

https://www.reidstellcounseling.com/uploads/1/3/9/3/13938466/polyvagal_chart.pdf

I am sorry that you felt like there was no way out other than to end your life...I am very glad you did not succeed.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Any hope once spouse files?
#67: September 20, 2024, 05:44:53 PM
Today Im just existing! I filed for spousal support and made appts for financial help till I get up on my feet! Thing is im not mad at him! I just miss him!!! I feel like he must be suffering too. I just don’t want to believe that he is good with this all. Oddly enough some money from his work was put in bank today. It was reimbursement for gas and travel. Nothing major but I thought it was odd it went in joint account. I have a therapist I see regularly but I think I need psychiatrist too. I think I need something for depression.

I hear hubby on ring cam talking to my daughter while I was in patient and he is very normal sounding. I often wonder if it was even mid life crisis he’s going through or just was tired of dealing with me and my insecurity. I question and analyze everything and I look forward to when I wont! I start a new job on Monday and have debated packing up car and just driving away from here and running away! Crazy huh?
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#68: September 20, 2024, 08:12:01 PM
No, that is not crazy. Many of us have wanted to do the same. It's a normal flight response wish.
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Re: Any hope once spouse files?
#69: September 21, 2024, 03:31:11 AM
AllieKat it is so important right now for you to be kind to yourself, and accept that with everything that is going on your fight/flight, your mind, your emotions are all simultaneously probably in overdrive and numb at the same time. So all these thoughts and questions you are having are unfortunately understandable.

So just keep focusing on "existing" and taking one small tiny step or thing at a time. IF you can try to minimize and stop yourself from overthinking, over analyzing, and just be. I know it's very hard to do, but you can try your best. And if you can get some meds to help that is a great idea, it won't be forever but it may really help take the edge off for now.

But as others have said please use any and all resources that are available. Nas pointed out there may be some guidance on the follow up papers. Try to find support groups or engage your therapist to get more options to get support.

And keep posting here if it helps, here you have a lot of wise and kind people who understand at least some of what you are going through.
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BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18, no change since, keeps "not leaving"

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#70: September 21, 2024, 09:24:38 AM
….filed for spousal support and made appts for financial help till I get up on my feet!

…I have a therapist I see regularly but I think I need psychiatrist too. I think I need something for depression.

…I start a new job on Monday….

I know you probably don’t feel very brave right now, but these are all tremendously brave things given how things are. It takes real courage to look s$itty s$it in the eye and even admit how s$itty it is, let alone take action.

And yeah, as the others said - you’re not crazy, you’re just traumatised, afraid and overwhelmed. Our fight/flight/freeze system does some wacky stuff when we are….mine was a doozy. So please be reassured that you are normal for an abnormal situation - get the help you need to get through it, but please don’t label yourself as permanently crazy xxx
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#71: October 01, 2024, 10:01:50 AM
Im in a self first mode here! But I sm wondering if others have seen a mean or vindictive side to spouse. Just the cutting me off and he took pictures off wall of him and my daughter and deleted a chalk message I had inside his dart board! He left behind only things I got him like recent cards and stockings stuffers. I don’t even know what to think !! Its like a tantrum! He didn’t leave those new air pods though I got him did he??? Lol

I think the one thing about my spouse when thinking in terms of mlc he is different than many. Mine wont talk to me but wont block me either! My only has come to the house when he knew I was in hospital. He wont face me for some reason. He never said anything like I love you but im not in love with you or even does alot of what I have read these MLCers do. But he definitely isnt same guy he was he completely flipped. As much as his actions show hate that is how much he loved me before this health crisis he had. They do say there is a thin line between love and hate.

Im still standing but I am just starting to pull myself out of the seriously depressed stage and pick myself up. I miss him terribly.  Some days though I ponder if its mlc though. I guess all husbands are different but mine seems to be ok with his job  I guess I thought hed be spinning and i was hoping hed lose his job!! Thats just because he has allowed it to be first priority! Anyway just needed to vent! I guess hes a vanisher
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#72: October 01, 2024, 12:07:46 PM
It's really good to read your post Allie - you seem like you are in a much better place.

What you write about your H, it is all quite classic crisis behaviour from what I have read and encountered in RL. I don't know if that is reassuring or not. I guess it is what it is. It's highly unlikely that your H 'hates' you - that doesn't add up - it can't just happen over night, without a serious of heinous events and crimes on your part leading up to it, right? I think the crisis is in play a lot longer than we realise and then some sort of tipping point and they implode. But a switch from loving to hating? That's a crisis signifier IMO.  This is not a platitude - he does not (cannot) hate you, he hates himself. But that is pretty awful too, I think. I've always thought, with what you wrote in your first post, that something with your H's health issues triggered unbearable shame in him. So unbearable he cannot look at it and he has projected it onto you. It's grossly unfair and not your fault, but IMO, this is the only way he can deal with it.  It seems so extreme that he has to reject the personal reminders of you (those earbuds - probably not so personal - and nice too :) ) He needs to figure himself out and he will need a lot of time and space to do this. You cannot help him at the moment alas.

I suppose the point is, that you are suffering from his irrational actions, however you slice it. And I, for one, am glad you are focusing on you.
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#73: October 01, 2024, 12:53:27 PM
I agree with KayDee.
My former h, at least for the first couple of years as I recall, did not block me - he just refused to interact with me or reply to any messages from me. Until/unless HE had a passing moment when he wanted to talk to ME for some reason….and then he expected a pretty speedy response lol. In fact, he once sent the police round to my house bc I had not replied to his sadz (and then increasingly angry) text messages that he missed me and wanted to talk within a 36 hour period (I’d gone away for the weekend and forgotten my phone) - the same chap who once ignored me, my lawyer and his lawyer for over 3 months. Complete crickets, no response at all - my lawyer even asked me if there was any possibility he’d left the country or killed himself…..

And my then h left pretty much everything behind too - took his car, laptop etc - but left even old mementoes from his life before me, all the mementoes/ photos etc of our shared life, even his cat lol.

It’s not normal, but it’s pretty normal for MLC folks imho.
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« Last Edit: October 01, 2024, 12:56:14 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#74: October 01, 2024, 02:12:08 PM
Thank you both!! I am definitely turning a corner as my will to fight for myself is back! Im so hurt by him cutting me off and etc but I try to remember its not him its this MLC monster! Then today I question is it mlc??? Its a process on understanding too!
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#75: January 07, 2025, 03:37:17 PM
Haven’t posted in awhile but nothing much to update! He hasn’t spoken to me still! Its been 7 mths since he left a d 6 mths since he said he wanted a D! Im still struggling! I have yet to find there is anyone else but I did recently see he started added old friends to his fb. He had a fb since aug (he always claimed to hate fb) but he only had like 9 friends all work ppl! Needless to say just  recently like a week ago he added ppl from his past military days and school days! Someone told me reconnecting with ppl he hasn’t talked with is common in mlc. Anyone have any idea on this? I did text him for xmas but he didn’t respond. He might have me blocked but I don’t know.
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#76: January 08, 2025, 02:14:30 AM
How’s the new job going, Allie? And are you getting the legal support you need? How are other things going? How’s your daughter?

I’m going to encourage you to stop looking at FB and trying to read too much into it. Not a criticism- we’ve all done something like that at a similar stage. But it’s rarely helpful and rarely useful; tbh it usually raises more questions than it answers, just like you posed here. It’s a very natural and normal trauma response though…our brains instinctively feel that if we could just figure it out somehow, we will feel better or know what to do. Or we hunt for signs that seem encouraging or comforting bc we want our pain to stop. So normal, so it’s important to be kind to yourself about those impulses at the same time as being as clear eyed as we can be about the real limited benefits of it. Even more important if - like you, like me - you have been essentially ghosted after a long marriage. For most normal humans, that’s a pretty profound psychological wound and it causes some brain glitches for a while in even the most emotionally healthy of us.

The important data you have is that - although it’s incomprehensible to you - your h is not there, that he is not communicating with you and (I think) he has initiated a legal process. That may or may not change, but for the moment, that is how it is and all you can do is try to deal with that current reality the best you can. What your h is doing on FB or elsewhere does not change that current reality and one can get distracted from what is necessary for your own survival by running down those cheerless tunnels in search of answers that are not there. We learn, slowly usually, to stop hunting for answers that don’t come or trying to guess what someone who has ghosted us is thinking. But it is a hard and odd process after a shared life of decades, I know. It is hard to live with big ‘I don’t knows’ about important parts of your own life.

I found - and it took me a good while - that it was helpful when I found my head having all those circular mental conversations to say to myself ‘well, I just don’t know’. That was honest and somehow with practice it helped me put the questions to one side temporarily and get on either side my day.

At a high level and put simply, we humans do what we do usually bc it either makes us feel better in the moment or helps us avoid something we think might make us feel bad. Not always, but often. And particularly if our emotions are running the show. Probably as true for the MLCer as for we LBS. So, the most simple and straightforward reason why our ex/spouses ghost us imho is not bc they hate us…it’s not about us at all…it’s bc for them, for reasons beyond our comprehension, they find it easier than the alternative. That isn’t right and it isn’t fair, and it causes profound damage, but that’s how we humans sometimes roll when life gets difficult. That’s how they have decided to deal with the situation as they see it. And often, of course, if there is an ow/on in the mix, that’s a good short-term distraction along with other stuff like revisiting past friendships or new material stuff….it’s all about trying to make oneself feel better or avoiding things that make you feel worse.

The challenge as an LBS - bc we are often driven by a similar need - is to find the healthiest and most constructive ways we can to do the same. And imho part of that is reaching a point where you can accept that just as their crisis is not about you, your healing is not about them. Tough to do after a long shared life, I know, but with time it becomes easier to see that you are not the problem or the solution, and vice versa. But that kind of acceptance involves a kind of loss too, doesn’t it? And that hurts like a MF….which is why our brains spin round for a while looking for signs or meaning that might be comforting.

I am so sorry that this awful thing has happened to you and that your h has chosen to deal with it the way he has. Nothing easy about it, as we all know, and no simple fixes that we can offer. All we can say from experience is that it is possible to get to the other side of it, even if it feels like it is not and even if you can’t see what the other side looks like yet. This too shall pass and you just have to keep slogging it out day by day until it does; your job is just to keep going for long enough to see it, my friend. But we know it will come bc that’s how life tends to work. And why it’s so important to focus on the small things of the day that might make you feel 1% better and try to avoid the things that experience tells you make you feel any percentage worse.

Is there hope for your marriage? Idk. But there’s hope for your future regardless and that’s worth holding onto. Xxx

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« Last Edit: January 08, 2025, 03:04:21 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#77: January 08, 2025, 04:44:57 AM
I think someone should invent a medical alert system that warns loved ones and professionals when a middle aged person picks up FB in earnest. Yes, it is common. Why? he is going backwards to his youth, it is an easy way to superficially connect, he is lonely?  For some, it is a a big old shop window that promotes 'look how great my life is'. It's all pretty fake and you can't read anything into it.


I found - and it took me a good while - that it was helpful when I found my head having all those circular mental conversations to say to myself ‘well, I just don’t know’. That was honest and somehow with practice it helped me put the questions to one side temporarily and get on either side my day.

My version of this, the circular hamster brained WHYS, was 'because it's about him'. When you think about it, this kind of extreme behaviour, from 100 to zero after decades of togetherness, it cannot be about you. It can only be about him. Hard as it is, you have to let him get on with it. He will either figure it out (that he is self-destructive) or he won't. Keep turning those corners Allie. The path to recovery is, in my experience, not a straight-line, but as long as you notice small, positive changes in you, you are moving forward.
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#78: January 12, 2025, 07:09:25 PM
Thank you both! My new job is great!!! I unfortunately lost my kitty of 20 years after Thanksgiving and that was hard because then I was officially alone here! So I adopted two cats to help! I struggle with detaching still, though I am better. I wish I didn’t constantly think about him but I still do! I am going back to lawyer soon since I just got  the papers week before xmas.  In PA they must wait a year of separation first before a divorce can be granted so I guess I’m putting off lawyer because it’s painful! I know that helps nothing! My daughter still sees him but I haven’t seen her in months so its another sad situation! My mom took it upon herself to spread lies and half truths about me right after I was in hospital for a suicide attempt! Needless to say my daughter is now distant with me because she doesn’t know what to believe. I haven’t seen never had so many ppl kick me when Im down before! I spent Christmas alone. It wasn’t as bad as I thought but definitely not my preference.
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#79: January 12, 2025, 07:25:47 PM
I think a lot more people than we think can disappoint when we come into bad times. I certainly found my siblings tried very hard to not engage. My sister finally told me. “You have always been the one to handle all the issues in our family. I don’t know what to do when you now have an issue and it’s hard to see you in pain. “

So, just know sometimes it’s just people not having their own strength to deal with someone else's issues and has little to do with you.  You really are doing so good. I know the first 2 years were horrific for me. After 2 years it started slowly getting better and I felt each month that I was going to make it. Not happy it happened, but I would survive. I also was laid off from my job at the 2 year mark. Keep moving forward and just put all your focus on you!!!
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
June 2022 XH bring OW to meet family due to xMIL illness
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife
May 2024 xMIL visits XH/OW in their new home
Aug 2024 cut relations w/XH fam.
Dec 2024 D33 expecting baby ( XH not told)

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#80: January 13, 2025, 12:00:52 AM
What MadLuv said. People don't always know how to handle a person in the kind of pain an LBS can be in. Heck, WE can't always handle it and we know what we feel like.

Your mom seems like a peach /sarcasm. Sadly, I get that to a degree. The only way out is through. I also started to feel more normal at about 2 years (I had an 18 month live in, and could not heal at all while he was here). As you begin to heal yourself, people will notice and be more comfortable around you. It constantly amazes me how many people cannot stand to be out of their comfort zone.

As a note be careful of assuming people do x y or z because of a b or c. Your D might be distant because she feels useless, not because she doesn't know what to believe. Or because she feels bad about something. My S fills in his own thoughts and feelings and assumes things about me that are not true. I have to use a lot of extra words when I talk to him. I mean a whole lot. Never assume you are having the same conversation.

I am very sorry about your kitty. 20 years is a good life. The two new cats got very lucky you adopted them and I wish you all joy and happiness.

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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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#81: January 21, 2025, 04:37:04 PM
Thank you!! Im struggling as time gets closer. Im afraid he won’t come out of this or even to regret his decision to file before “D “ is final! Im still just as heartbroken a d confused as I was at BD in July. I haven’t heard from him at all and that is crazier part. We we’re inseparable prior so that makes it still hard. I guess I had hoped he’d start regretting it but it doesn’t appear so! I don’t find any hope in the “D” is just paper either.
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#82: January 22, 2025, 01:34:57 AM
Allie,

This is where doing your own work for healing and growth becomes so important. We can it in cute little catch-phrases like "Getting  Life" or "Living like they are not coming back" but that really is a velvet-covered way of saying that we (the LBS) needs to put the priority on themselves growing forward. We (the LBS) can not control what the Mid-Lifer is going to do and it is 99.95% of the time stuff that we would NEVER have thought them capable of doing but there they go doing it.

As far as the "D" being "just paper," that too is out of your control in terms of the Mid-Lifer. You get to decide how YOU want to consider it (the ultimate red line, a brick wall or just a "piece of paper.") but the Mid-Lifer also has their own will and their own choices to make. With those choices come consequences that they  (and ONLY they) can be responsible for, just like we (the LBS) are responsible for the consequences of our actions/choices.

You have as much of a chance of knowing whether he will "come out of it" or "regret his decisions" before his D is final as you of tasting green with your elbow and it is about the same usefulness to use your own precious energy and time letting his decision (which you have ZERO influence or control over) occupy your brain/life. He is going to do whatever it is he is going to do.

What concerns me/us is what are YOU going to do? How do YOU see yourself moving forward, growing, getting back on your feet and recovering YOUR equilibrium, regardless of what he does because, in the end, THAT is what truly matters - NOT what his decisions are, not what path he chooses to take. His actions and choices do not need to necessarily dictate YOUR actions / choices except as far as it goes to secure your own financial stability.

Last but not least, hope is one thing. Expectations are another. We can hope that the Mid-Lifer will someday pull their head out of their ..... fog.... but if we are expecting it, we are setting ourselves up for further disappointment in the event it doesn't happen. So hope for it, yes. Expect or wait for it? No.

AllieKat has better things to do with her life than to waste it sitting on her porch in a rocking chair surrounded by a pile of snotty tissues and crocheting lace doilies while waiting for her Mid-Lifer to finally "see the light," which may or may not ever happen.....

UM
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« Last Edit: January 22, 2025, 01:36:24 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 61, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 17, D - 13
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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#83: January 22, 2025, 01:47:38 AM
Quote
Im afraid he won’t come out of this or even to regret his decision to file before “D “ is final!

And he may not.
So, practically, painful as it is, you need to seek legal advice.
Plenty of us here ended up being divorced with little or no communication from a spouse with whom we were once just as close as you describe. That’s a very painful and rather bewildering thing, a bit crazy-making tbh.
But wishing it were different does not change how it is.

When people behave this way - and my xh was pretty much a vanisher after 20 years - it REALLY says nothing about you at all. It just says that this is their way of dealing with the situation they have made for themselves. To them, it either makes them feel better if they decide to blame you or they avoid something that might make them feel bad like talking to you and seeing your distress. It isn’t fair and it’s very cruel, but still not your fault.

Like most shocking and unwelcome things in life, you can get to the other side of it. There is a life worth having but it will just be very different than you imagined it would be. I’m not saying the hurt magically goes away but it becomes more possible to find ways to live round it. To find small pleasures and things to appreciate regardless.

Like your new felines. How are they doing?
Last night I was chuckling to myself bc my little cat Gracie decided that I had to stop trying to sew something bc she wanted to sleep with her head tucked under my chin. No idea why lol…just a cat thing. But it was a nice thing and I was grateful for her, even the annoying bits bc she is a bit of a cat diva! I was content…and that was unimaginable a few years ago post BD bc life was quite awful for quite a long time. It was hard to see a reason to keep going but someone asked me to borrow their faith that it would be even if I couldn’t see it then. And they were right. These are times to endure and survive even when you can’t see what the other side might look like. A lawyer can help ensure there is something to build with. A decent therapist can help you figure out how to keep moving forward step by step until you see it. I needed both and I suspect you might too bc this s$it is hard. Go see your lawyer even though it’s painful. And find a decent therapist if you don’t already have one. And when a day feels really dark, cuddle one of those kitties and listen to their purr - cats are very good at living well in the moment 😝
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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