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1
Our Community / how to deal with MLCer that just left
« Latest by stillsmiling on Today at 01:56:50 PM »
Hi,

This is not my first experience with an MLCer  but I would like to know what the best way is to communicate and act with the MLCer

Mine just left yesterday and she is running fast. It's not been 24 hours and she wants to tell the kids that's its over between us. They are 19 and 21 so I consider them adults but it will still be hard for them because she left about 9 year ago and came back after 1 year, I suspect that her father's cancer made her comeback too soon.

I told her that I would talk to our kids tonight. Not sure what to tell them but I will figure it out. I wish I could tell them the truth, that their mom is leaving because she is not happy, but I am concerned that it my break their relationship. How did you guys handle that?

She will probably wan't to also talk about the house and cottage that we have a mortgage on, should I start talking about selling or do whatever with both properties or should I wait for her to initiate the talk? She is currently sleeping at the cottage but it's an hour drive from her work so that won't last.

Wow not even 24 hours and she is literally destroying everything that reminds her of us

I no there is no right or wrong with mlc but if anyone as any advice, it would be appreciated

Thank you
2
Our Community / How to conduct myself around the MLCer
« Latest by Tornup on Today at 11:03:07 AM »
Loved everything about what Terra just said to you!!I want to also add I gave H the option to not take them and he at first declined them and I was actually fine with that. He then asked to see what I made, not the others. Just the handmade gift. He then after seeing said “ so cool” “ if you would still like to give it to me I would  like to have it, thank you”. I am with Terra. Gift made or bought should complete there purpose. What I also found interesting at my daughters wedding he had his personalized tie bar on that I had made with his initials. What no one but he and I know is on the part unseen I had “I love you” engraved. He is still wearing it. Not sure I could with guilt, shame and a new love???
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Our Community / Re: Life goes on.
« Latest by terra on Today at 10:29:17 AM »
;) UM, it would be like that if it were me with a gun, which is why I have never owned one and won’t ever. And really the dog that night was one of medium size? We are a large breed family so even medium sized dogs seem like ankle biters. But you know people love their good dogs, so we won’t shame them. I was so glad to have time with that one; I love our kitteh, but really miss the wonderful connection of dog spirit and soul.

This morning I dreamt of h again and it felt even more familiar and even right. 90% right. It’s been ages since I had any sense of that, about him or us.

When I woke, I determined that the previous dream, if dreams mean anything true at all, probably meant that he and ow have reached some deeper level of intimacy or knowing each other and commitment and so yes, of course that would feel very dangerous to him. I know that there are many areas and parts of him that he does not want anyone to truly know.

But that’s how we grow. Being fully and deeply known.

So it’s important to me that he is. By someone. I wanted it to be always me and I thought it always would be. Instead I am the only one knowing me and I don’t know him at all.

And as much as I would have it some other way, I find this is fine.
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Our Community / Re: How to conduct myself around the MLCer
« Latest by terra on Today at 10:15:17 AM »
Lost, if you are early on in this it can feel “normal” at least to just follow your heart and do what it loves and knows how to do. I’m not even going to say it can backfire, because I know in j’s case, these gestures were maybe mistakenly still expected but also still accurately (if silently/privately) treasured.

I no longer remember if it was 2 years or 3 years after BD and moveaway, he sent me a photograph of a collection of small things I’d given him over the years, with admission that they still meant a great deal to him. That was beautiful and I cried over it, but it didn’t change his choices or actions toward me or toward home. Folks around me said that photograph and message were manipulative. Maybe so, but even today and very far apart from him, it still touches my heart and I’m grateful he made the gesture.

This morning I think it was so long ago mentally that I ought to just forget it. Instead there is a trace of hope still because of it, and because I still don’t understand why he did what he did to us or even how adults engage in relational commitments, anymore. I feel like a child but I can’t shake that remaining 1% hope that still hovers in my spirit and kind of hurts me from time to time.

So there are reasons not to gift, and at same time, honestly I regret not giving the things I wanted to give, regardless of what (and who, and where) he chose.

It’s not wrong of you to give.

It’s also not wrong of you to not give.

This whole passage is full of choice points and contradictions. Normally I might tell you to skip his damn birthday and give only what he gave you, mirror his giving exactly. But I do regret not giving; it was one of my love languages with him and I loved to do it, and on some level, he loved that about me, and has kept the silliest little things.

I have a beautiful hand carved music box with a deep message of love engraved on its lid, with two specific music rolls tucked inside, mysterious scrolls full of little holes that don’t make any sense until you fit them into the mechanism and turn the handle. It was a gift for what would have been our 10th anniversary and I didn’t give it. I didn’t bring it when I travelled to where he was, that year, because I knew he wasn’t seeing me. And I didn’t throw it away, either, then or when D and I moved a month or so ago. I still have it and I’ll tell you it shames me when I see it. I can’t unroll the tapes and play those two songs, because they hurt.

They hurt because they did not get to complete their purpose. So if you give, complete the action. And know that doing so might not net you the result you most like, but maybe down the road it does count that you did it.

Now’s a good time to refresh your memory about what are your own love languages, and notice how you might leverage those into love for others, even strangers, the whole world. As you might guess, I’m a fan of Words of Love. I love all the languages but the one about Gifts was really prominent in the way I loved h and the kids, but most particularly him, because he was always so touched and surprised.

The first time I sent “gifts” to someone who wasn’t h, it was to a unknown buyer and just friendly. And the second the gift left my hands, I felt absolutely stricken and terrified, as if the whole world was coming down on me. That was so stark and sudden and paralyzing, and it made me realize how much damage had been done by h’s changes and behaviors. I’m telling you because if you are a giver and a celebrator and you love to love visibly in actionable ways, it’s important to experiment with giving on a greater or more ordinary scale to others in your world now, and it’s important too to notice where doing so feels like it hurts you.

From my own situation and regrets, I would tell you go ahead and do what your heart and spirit tell you they want to do. It’s not stupid or wrong and it’s not going to harm anyone, either way. Ignoring can be a consequence for him, a “giving” in kind, but if it hurts you to do that, well. Here we are all saying take care of you first. Or maybe it’s just me saying that ;) really. But do what you are moved to do and just know that in all, it’s a small thing, and just the one day.

It can kind of hurt either way, and that’s the part I truly don’t understand — whether at midlife we are all just supposed to hurt a bit more than we have in earlier years, and how hurt can feel like deepening and becoming more whole, more ourselves, good and bad at once.

One thing that might also help you is just to decide, and go full steam ahead on your do or don’t do. Rule one out and just go ahead with the decision you like best.
5
Acknowledging your pain and courage and love, and I’m following along in your new chapter.

D and I recently moved from the place that was Home, and are now in a different and meant to be temporary place, I don’t know for how long. It has its pros and cons but I think you may also find that wherever your next place will be, it will be peaceful on some crucial level and good enough, home at least For Now.

I spent the majority of my life believing in marriage and wanting nothing more than I wanted to be a loving wife. Now that we have moved prematurely into a transitional space, I find I don’t want that so much anymore, or maybe at all. Marriage, I mean. The peace of ...”turning the page”, I guess, is finally very calming and feels secure. I do: I feel secure. Anyone I know in person would panic if faced with the circumstances I am in, but — I’m ok.

It’s been a really long time since I last really viscerally felt that peace, and I’m glad to feel it again. I hope yours will meet you right away and accompany you every moment from here on out. (((HUGS)))
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Our Community / Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
« Latest by MourningDove on Today at 09:18:53 AM »
UrsaMajor - LOL. Well, Xh did use that reference to me, along with other choice words when MLC hit.  ::)

I don't know. I think I am really still leaning towards the idea of fuzzy sweater, jeans and boots - no costume or spells. Just a nice night out in the country. Of course, at this rate, the weather is very unpredictable and if it is cold and rainy, I am not going to enjoy it. LOL.
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Our Community / How to conduct myself around the MLCer
« Latest by UrsaMajor on Today at 08:48:21 AM »
What are your expectations for him reacting to a cake or other present?

Unless you can honestly look yourself in the mirror and say TRUTHFULLY that you are OK if he does not acknowledge the cake or that he throws a purple hissy fit over the cake, or that he gets all gushy over a cake... Unless NONE of these or ANY OTHER reaction at all will phase you in the slightest, a simple message like his is MORE than enough....

Anything more, in the eyes of the Mid-Lifer is either an invite to a cake-eating party or seen as the big bad old LBS putting pressure on the Mid-Lifer and trying to guilt trip them, especially if he did nothing more than a text message for your birthday....

There IS no "High Road" here. There is the road to healing and the road to the Roller Coaster... Your choice....
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Our Community / You Can't Touch This
« Latest by beyondblessed on Today at 08:46:20 AM »
So, LB is on track for deadbeat dad of the year and SPQ is growing another ass 🤣🤣  Good times at Dysfunction Junction.  I'm glad you are bouncing back quicker these days because truly you wouldn't wanna touch what's going on over there.

Geez BB....

Tell us what you REALLY think? <snort!>



That's one thing about me, UM....NO one has ever accused me of not speaking my mind, freely 🤣🤣🤣
9
Attaching....

Do you then still consider yourselves "reconnecting" despite this? What do you see for YOUR future, say in the 5 year time frame?  If H is still off to the races with an EA with the Work Partner, what do you see happening?

You went in with your eyes WIDE open so you at least were not taken by surprise..... and now, taking the leap of faith to your own place... I hope that it brings you joy, peace, and comfort, and that regardless of whether H comes out of the fog someday or not...
10
Quote
but a man who is incapable of seeing and valuing what he currently has in his life aka 3 children, a grand-daughter and a wife who stood for her marriage for over 8 years.  He is a man who still seeks external sources to make him feel better
This is always the hardest thing to wrap my head around. Can’t imagine what is better than your own family you created. You just have to be a lost soul. My XH feels deep shame, misses his family, want’s it back, but says he changed and can’t get back to that place. Never feels anywhere is home. It heartbreaking where there head space is.

I also have remained in our home. I think it would be right now healthier to have a new space, but I have also been told the longer you remain the space becomes your own. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer. Enjoy your new home song. You get to create a new space for your new life. You did everything you could to keep your family together. Nothing can be done when you work alone. It takes both. Keep sharing your story as you move forward and thank you for documenting it for all this time. It’s been invaluable to all our journeys.

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