[Reallytrying]

I can hardly believe it’s been almost 2 years since I was on here. I couldn’t post on my old thread because it was archived. I totally have forgotten how to link old threads 😱

Background - was married to my high school sweetheart for 16 years before BD. Almost 10 years ago is when FH told me he no longer wanted to be married to me. That he loved me but was no longer in love with me. I was devastated. He moved out the following year and then I found out about OW, his former secretary, the following year.

Update. Things are going well. My D is now in college. She has softened towards OW and is pleasant with her and her kids. S leaves for college in the Fall. He tolerates OW but is much more distant than his sister. I’m surprised that FH and OW are still together. To this day I have never been in the same room with her. Closest we have come is her being in the car when FH had come to pick up the kids. I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t annoy me at times that they have stayed together 🤷🏽‍♀️

FH and I get along well. We coparent well and have the entire time. D jokes about it sometimes saying she can’t get over because we talk. I love him dearly. Always will but he’s not my person anymore. We sit at sporting events and talk and laugh and I feel no sadness when we get in our cars and go out separate ways. He no longer feels like a husband but he definitely feels like family.

I am happily dating a wonderful man. We met by chance 4 years ago. I was nervous to give him a chance but mourningdove suggested I should give it a chance. It’s been great. We’ve taken things very slow in some respects and it moved fast in others. But we are in a spot that feels good. He feels like home to me.

I thought recently about my life pre and post BD. Those first few years after BD remain the most painful time in my life. Grieving someone who chose to leave is very very hard. J remember sadness, anger and even shame. And now I feel no shame. My marriage ended but I don’t see it as a failure. We had 23 wonderful years as a couple, 16 years married, 2 amazing kids, and a solid friendship. I like the woman I fought hard to become. BF benefits from that. I have more friends, a vibrant social life but also less anxiety, more confidence. Could be my own middle aged changes but I just feel more comfortable in my own skin. Someone asked me if I’d marry FH again if I knew it would have ended the way it did. Without hesitation I would 🤷🏽‍♀️. Someone else asked me would I take him back if he tried to come home today. That question the answer would be no. Today my emotional investment, my sexual attraction, my own in-love is with someone else. In those years after BD I never imagined I’d get to a place where I didn’t yearn for reconciliation.

I don’t regret the years I stood for my marriage though. Those years are a big part of who I am now. To the people just getting on the crazy train I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10944.0

[MadLuv]

Wonderful update. Sounds like the best scenario in a case where reconciling didn’t happen.  Founding a new person, kids thriving and no regrets. Thansk for sharing

[MourningDove]

I am happily dating a wonderful man. We met by chance 4 years ago. I was nervous to give him a chance but mourningdove suggested I should give it a chance. It’s been great. We’ve taken things very slow in some respects and it moved fast in others. But we are in a spot that feels good. He feels like home to me.

Well, I get blamed for many things, but this time, I will gladly take the blame. 

He was certainly worth taking a chance on. I told back then something along the lines of wine can either age well and become a fine wine, or become vinegar - and not some gourmet vinegar - LOL. He has proven over and over again that he is of the fine wine variety. As your friend, I am able to say I know this from the simple day to day things he does more than any possible one time grand gesture. That man is clearly crazy about you - LOL

And having been around you for so very long, I know that no longer standing was not an easy decision. You stood for one long time.

It is good to see you so incredibly happy. 

[UrsaMajor]

Nice to hear back from you RT.

It sounds like your life has shaped up nicely. Too bad for FH, right? At least you get along with him and are able to co-parent well. That is a plus that some folks don't have....

[FaithWalker]

What a great update.  It's great to hear from you!  I am happy to hear about your journey and can definitely relate to some of it.

[Akkie1973]

Thank you for the update. 10 years with the OW. Oh boy…. Do you think he is still in MLC? Wonderful that you found a new love. I’m almost three years in this so a long way to go.

[Reallytrying]

After all these years I did have to be in the same room with OW. MIL passed away so we all went to the services. She looked ridiculous - dressed very inappropriately. But I survived.

S left for college this weekend. It was very hard. He has moved all the way across the country. I cried a lot. In many ways it feels like the final nail in the coffin that was my previous life. We coparented successfully for 10 years - saw our kids through adulthood and now that chapter is closed. I do not miss H in anyway but I still found myself grieving that life does not look the way I expected if would. It’s hard to explain.

But essentially that door is firmly closed and now I walk forward through a new door.

[Reinventing]

I do not miss H in anyway but I still found myself grieving that life does not look the way I expected if would. It’s hard to explain.

We totally get that.

[xyzcf]

I still found myself grieving that life does not look the way I expected if would. It’s hard to explain.

I try to tell myself that many many people face terrible things and my "grief" seems rather "small" so I actually feel like I am a whining spoiled brat ( talking about people who are sick, who are homeless, who have lost everything in fires, hurricane's, abused etc).....however, it is really important to recognize that my feelings are real and I am allowed to feel them.

My daughter also lives in another country far away from me. I could move there, but it is my choice to stay here for now. I am grateful that I am able to see her 4 or 5 times a year. I am grateful that my son in law is lovely.

We carry memories of previous times. These memories can be delightful or painful. They make up who we are and I think that the grief we feel for any of it is because we loved very much.

Good luck and I hope there are many new doors that you get to walk through and explore!

[thissucks7788]

What a wonderful update and great lesson about moving forward successfully.  I wish you continued happiness!!
B

[MadLuv]

I still found myself grieving that life does not look the way I expected if would. It’s hard to explain.

I try to tell myself that many many people face terrible things and my "grief" seems rather "small" so I actually feel like I am a whining spoiled brat ( talking about people who are sick, who are homeless, who have lost everything in fires, hurricane's, abused etc).....however, it is really important to recognize that my feelings are real and I am allowed to feel them

I do the same. I mope for a hot second and then slap myself into reality. You know what has really gotten me through in the end. I had a 30 year marriage. Most people never get that. It was a successful marriage even if it ended so unbelievably. If I remain single for my remaining days, I was not single for most. It is not my preference to be alone now, but it is where I am.

[Reinventing]

She looked ridiculous - dressed very inappropriately.

Petty of me, but this would have given me some modicum of satisfaction.

[Reallytrying]

She looked ridiculous - dressed very inappropriately.

Petty of me, but this would have given me some modicum of satisfaction.

lol. It totally did. My dad who normally says nothing said “oh my” when he saw her. Lol. It was really bad. I’m immature enough that it amused me. It was quite the contrast between me and her 🤦🏽‍♀️