[PhoenixRising75]

Newbie, starting my own thread.
I’m relatively sure after reading posts, and lurking for awhile, that I have a clinging boomerang on my hands. I posted a question yesterday to dip my toes into this process of reaching out to others that have gone through this roller coaster ride.
H has just moved out to his own house as of Friday night. He is busy setting up house, while balancing clubbing out with his friends, so he hasn’t made a whole lot of progress getting his stuff out. A garbage bag with some clothes, and toiletries. Otherwise, all of his stuff is still here. I’d like to see much more of it gone, sooner, so I can deep clean everything, purge if you will. I can see now, though, he doesn’t have the drive to make this quick. I am reminding myself that at least he listened enough to take his, and these are my words after BD about moving out/separation, “homage to a pervert” off my wall.
The homage to a pervert is a guitar in a nice case I helped him shop for. It  belonged to his step dad who died 4 years ago. This was his 1st spiral crisis. He cried for months while staying up late getting hammered frequently. His stepfather was awful. A true piece of work with frequent flyer cheating on my H’s mom, and a history of peeping his own daughter and step daughter when they were young, living with him. Ewww. Both women are my age, and it damaged them both enough to talk about it at family gatherings like weddings and the lot.
I should never have allowed my H to put the stupid thing on display in our house. Originally I had to dust it weekly before the case was purchased and it graced our wall. I thought I was helping H work through his complicated feelings by allowing it. Dumb, I know. He never actually did any work, or releasing. I am glad he took it with him that first night. It seems like the only thing he has actually listened to me about since BD 2 weeks ago.

Otherwise it’s just projection land over here. He has to leave because I don’t love him, or he has to leave because I don’t love him the way he loves me, or he has to leave because I only want his money, not him. I understand these are his feelings and perceptions at the moment as to what has gone wrong in our marriage. I didn’t give him enough attention in the way he felt he needed attention. He HAD to seek outside validation because I wasn’t validating him enough. And there is truth there.
While I have always been kind, not critical with my language over the years, I didn’t praise him continuously the way someone with abandonment issues needs. I withdrew, and focused too much on trying to fix all of the things he said were wrong with me. I lost myself to the point I had not much to give back to him, trying to be what he said was normal and loving. I lived many years in our marriage believing I was not normal. I had to fix me to make him happy. Yeah, oops. Not healthy at all.
I was 23 when we met. I had only had 3 relationships, none of which were deep or truly loving. All ended with affairs by these men/boys. I had no idea what normal was, so when my H continued to tell me I needed to change, that I wasn’t normal, I believed him.
That bring us around to the title here. Finding myself again. Reflection and shadow work have been the norm for me this past year while my H lives in replay. I am finding my light again, or actually I am focusing it towards me, instead of the kids, instead of mutual friends, instead of H. Do they all still get my light? Of course! But I’m saving some for me now, too.
I’ll end it here now, with so much more to get out in the coming days and months as I work towards healing. I am forward thinking, and changes are already steaming away to better my financial situation as I pursue goals I tabled when I entered this relationship. I should be starting classes to finish my degree this summer. I would have started sooner, but the application to University from last fall gets me in next fall with the option to do summer. There was no option open to the program any sooner, unfortunately.
Next post we can get into my son’s cancer, the years I was stay at home to meet his medical needs, my return to work in a part time capacity, etc. All things that bother H. He hated becoming the bread winner, and recently brought it up as proof I was cheating on him. No such thing happened, but he perceives that it must have, because what else could I have been doing? I’ll leave it there. Lots to unpack. Thanks for listening.

[Songanddance]

While I have always been kind, not critical with my language over the years, I didn’t praise him continuously the way someone with abandonment issues needs. I withdrew, and focused too much on trying to fix all of the things he said were wrong with me.

And there is nothing wrong with that other than you were in fixer mode and you took the responsibility yourself suggesting that you have spent a lot of your life as a conflict avoider and people pleaser.  I was just the same - exactly the same in fact.

He has to leave because I don’t love him, or he has to leave because I don’t love him the way he loves me, or he has to leave because I only want his money, not him. I understand these are his feelings and perceptions at the moment as to what has gone wrong in our marriage.

NO they are not his feelings and perceptions as to what has gone wrong in our marriage - it is pure projection of his failings and not yours.

When MLCers project - they usually do it to deflect from facing their own feelings or their own truths.  Projection is often shame or guilt based and often have little to do with the truthful state of the marriage at BD time. 

Nothing has gone "wrong" in your marriage per se- you have an MLCer on your hands and this mean that he has destroyed what the marriage could have become if he had been calm, rational and both of you had worked on any of the relationship issues with honesty, trust and determination to keep working at it.

MLCers walk away very quickly and have the most bizarre reasons. And they hurt. This is not to say that there isn't any truth at all in what they say but it doesn't give them the right to destroy the person they are closest to and to walk away or rather run away from the marriage.

Your H certainly has FOO issues but in all honesty that is for him to work on and it never was your responsibility.  Sadly people pleasing fixers whose love language is acts of service will make it become their responsibility.

Next post we can get into my son’s cancer, the years I was stay at home to meet his medical needs, my return to work in a part time capacity, etc. All things that bother H.

   

Seriously?   Did you know it bothered him at the time?  Or is this post BD MLC projection.

Welcome to the forum by the way...... Lots of good advice on here and my main advice to you is to keep posting and to understand that we are all here to guide you - and whilst some of it you may not like or want to hear - it is there because you may actually need to hear it.

I've been 10 yrs into this crisis and all I can say is - step back, detach and focus on you and your needs.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I am so sorry for the reason you are here but you will receive a lot of support and good advice.

He is busy setting up house, while balancing clubbing out with his friends, so he hasn’t made a whole lot of progress getting his stuff out.

Make sure you take care of finances. MLCers can go through money quickly and their mindset is that its their money and their fun and that is a priority. Reason goes out the door and you as the only adult in the room need to make sure your and your families needs are met.

He hated becoming the bread winner, and recently brought it up as proof I was cheating on him

Was this prior to bomb drop? The accusations of cheating? Are these recent events or just happened? Becoming the breadwinner is part of life-especially if you have a sick child. Sacrifices have to be made by all for the sake of your child. On the cheating accusations, if they are recent, it is just justification for his bad behavior. To deflect and make all of this your fault. If it has been throughout the relationship, this is very controlling behavior.

Keep posting and remember to focus on your well being, get the finances in order, and live your life.

(((Ready)))

[PhoenixRising75]

TY, SongandDance. I appreciate your insight.
No, I didn’t know that my years at home bothered my H until very recently when he started bringing it up as proof I only wanted him for his money, and that I must have been using the time to cheat on him. The money thing, he’s been saying for about a year, 2 months into testosterone injections on his part. 4 months past discovering his biological father had died a year and a half previously, and his sister hid it from him all that time. He found out about it through his mother, who was in full money seeking mode about a possible military pension she thought might be out there. It wasn’t. I helped him research it to guide his Mom, slow her roll. Boom, after processing that information for a few months, I suddenly only wanted him for his money.
The cheating aspect of my time at home with our son during recovery from a brain tumor surgery and then shunt surgery, in watch and wait, 4 MRI’s a year, sedation because he was so small……..hoping, praying for 5 years to pass a date where full recovery was finally a real possibility…..that cheating thing is new post BD, it was just said in the past week. Good grief, cheating was the furthest thing from my mind going through all of that. Cheating is something I have never done. When I am with someone, I am with them only, even through rough a** bs. Even when sh*t hits the fan, it just doesn’t enter my brain. I wanted my son to live. I needed for him to be ok. He was 4 1/2 years old when they found the tumor. He is 18 now, and graduated high school last May, Cum Laude. He’s amazing. And now he has to deal with this crap from his Dad. His BD from his Dad was last Friday, 1 week prior to move out. I checked in with him a couple days after the speech from his Dad, asked him what he thought, what he felt, what he noticed.
Son said, “he blames you. He wouldn’t let you talk. You we’re trying to reassure me you’d be ok, that counseling was coming for you as soon as we have insurance again, and he shut you up by dismissing your feelings right away. He doesn’t see you as a person. He doesn’t see me as a person. It is what it is. I am a person. It doesn’t matter that he can’t see that. I’m going to keep working on my dreams.” How the heck did my son end up so freaking wise? He’s hurting for sure, and I’ll make sure he gets his counseling, too. But geez is he awesome.
His Dad thanked him for his maturity that evening of the speech. He said he was older so he could handle it better. Um, k. Yup, dude. Your son is more mature than you. Those are facts.
You hit the nail on the head with fixer/people please, although those services are explicitly for the people I love. Direct family. My gentle keep the peace Dad, my narcissistic mother, my special needs younger brother, my kids, my husband. My bubble if you will. I was trained it was my job from the time I was 2 years old. Very hard to put that mantle down. It’s a day at a time, as I go through this. Introspection as to how I entered the Void (my husband’s eternal void) willingly, and stayed there for years, hiding myself, losing myself, yup, therapy here I come. I can see it plain as day in the mirror. It should never have been my job to keep my mother more stable, more pleasant by making her life easier. I didn’t do it for my Mom. I did it for my Dad because he asked me to. Please don’t show anger. It upsets her. Please don’t cry, it’ll set her off. I just realized this past year I’m angry with my Dad. He was always my hero, my rock, my go to, but he is culpable for this expectation that I keep things balanced, fixed, easier. I brought this crap into my marriage, and now I have to work at laying those burdens down. Long road. I’ll get there.
I’ll leave it there for now.

[PhoenixRising75]

TY Ready. I appreciate your response.
The accusations of cheating have been most of the relationship. Both he and his sister do it constantly. I’ve been trying to prove for over 20 years that I don’t cheat. It never sticks. The accusations that I must have been cheating because I was a stay at home Mom for 5 years, those are new, post BD. Or a new spin on an old song.
And although I don’t make what he makes, I have always controlled the finances. He never had interest. He spent, I kept us solvent, to the best of my abilities. Clean credit, the ability to purchase cars, a home, etc. that has all come from me. Every financial hardship, I have dug us out, put us back on track. I have levers to pull to keep our joint obligations met. And yes he has been spending like crazy. A rational mind would have saved up something to move out. He just raided the bank accounts to pay his deposit and now his 1st months rent. He’s buying furniture on the cheap from Salvation Army, but again hasn’t made much progress getting his stuff. He doesn’t have a washer/dryer yet, so he plans to come over to do his laundry. today. His deposit on his house was promised by him before our State tax return even hit the account. He took it for the deposit. I’ll be taking my half back when Federal rolls in. It has to come paper check this year, which is annoying, but actually helpful to me. Direct Deposit wasn’t an option, I guess because it was such a large amount due to solar on our roof. Yeah, that was me, too, to save money on electricity so he could afford his testosterone injections. Haha. His Fed is going to be reduced quite a lot to balance all the money he has been taking for his new pad. He already kind of knows this because he mentioned we’d have to deduct his furniture from it. Uh, yeah dude. Your furniture, your deposit, your rent. I digress.
I will be keeping OUR finance’s stable, the joint ones, while we slowly untangle them. He’s on his own for his new stuff, and we have a written agreement we created together because I demanded one shortly after BD, when I tried to explain to him we really could not afford this. He insists we can, and I am holding him to the weekly amount OUR finances receive from his paycheck or there will be lawyers. I haven’t threatened him with lawyers. He did threaten me with them if I make this too hard for him, or try to sneak off with his money. His money. Yes, that’s how he sees it. Classic MLC, but for now he’s willing to do a set amount that covers OUR expenses, or is supposed to. I have added a small gig through my work with the school district that will bring in extra for my son and I, plus I have a retroactive raise coming the end of this month, so things will be tight, but I’m handling it. And I have levers to pull to stay afloat while I pursue my dreams and increase my income.
That’s all I have for now. Thank you.

[WHY]

Him accusing you of an affair reeks of him having one, or wanting to have one.   The fact that it’s been going on for years would suggest there may have been a previous alienator. Not sure how you feel about this but for me, knowing upfront greatly affected my choice to stand or not.   

[xyzcf]

Welcome to Hero's Spouse.

There is a lot to digest, many opinions and not a lot of cold hard data.

RCR's articles are worth reading if you have not already done so. They can help navigate some of what you have experienced and will experience.

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

I think the most important thing to understand is that this is not about you and it is not a marriage problem although it destroys our marriage and families. There is something that the MLCer has avoided and needs to face, there are several theories as to the cause....but in reality, the cause doesn't particularly help you because their actions can be so scattered and bizarre...

Focus on you, your health and welfare and your family. This is a great place to vent and journal and we understand ...which the outside world doesn't always.

Take the advice that fits for you and remember that each marriage and family situation is different. As my therapist has said,  you can change your mind from one day to the next...decisions do not have to be absolute.

Welcoming you to the place that none of us would have wanted to be, but very glad to have a spot like this to figure out how to move forward.

[PhoenixRising75]

Yes, Why, the thought, of course, has crossed my mind many times throughout our marriage. I know he saw a lot of infidelity growing up, so he does seem to think it’s something everyone does. Whether it will effect my decisions in the future, I can’t say atm. He did admit to an EA because I asked him directly. Well, he said “maybe” I could tell there was a female because suddenly he was throwing a bunch of psycho-babble at me, words and phrases he has never used before. He accused me multiple times of hysterical bonding for example. Uh thanks lady that doesn’t know me for psychoanalyzing me. H said we weren’t having enough relations, and because I had worked hard over the last year to nip perimenopause symptoms in the bud, yes, I increased the amount of relations. My hormones have balanced out, and it’s all so much better for me again. Things were so bad for me 4.5-5 years ago, I became iron deficient and was barely functioning in the day to day. That was one of the first things I had to tackle under medical supervision. I received 2 opinions at the time, both  Dr.s said my hormones were wildly unbalanced. Replacement therapy wasn’t recommended until my anemia was well under control so I didn’t tackle that at the time. My health has been a focus this past year, and much was accomplished before H abruptly quit his job, and I had to cancel appointments. I’ve been able to continue HRT due to the fact that I had paid a year in advance, so I’m still able to see my Dr., have my bloodwork tested, and adjustments can be made if necessary. If all of that smacks of hysterical bonding, then lady I don’t know what to say. I was trying to work on my marriage and enjoy something again that had become more difficult due to health issues. Sue me.
I’ll leave it there.

[OldPilot]

Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[PhoenixRising75]

I’m having a good laugh at the absurdity! In a previous post I mentioned H somehow managed to listen to one thing I had said. I wanted to “homage to a pervert” (guitar from his passed on perv stepdad in a case) off my wall. When he moved out last Friday night, it is one of the few things he took with him. He doesn’t seem to be in much of a hurry to collect his stuff. He comes iver daily to “grab a few things”. Now for the absurd part.
After raiding my fridge for something to eat, he pointed out that the guitar was gone. I saw no point in bringing it up, and I guess maybe he wanted an atta-boy or something. He said he wasn’t sure WHY, but friend grabbed it off the wall that first night\move out day. Um WHAT? Your friend magically decided that item was super important and decided all on his own to grab it off the wall for you? Ha ha ha ha….mmmmmmkkkkkk
Anyways, he says he will come remove the screws and putty….and I’m holding my breath. He has never been a finisher with honey do projects. I have multiple half done things that have been sitting in that state for years.