[KeepItTogether]

Last Thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11690.new#new

In May, it'll be 7 years since BD. Wow. Feels like 30. 

Where to begin. Since I last posted, H went off the deep end. Got blasted drunk early on a Sunday morning mid December and fled the house when I called him on it. Shortly after he left, OW shows up at my door. Again. Tells me he was living with her all last year (when he told me he lived in his own apartment) and that he calls her when he drinks for her to come get him. Which she does. In her pajamas on my doorstep. She had no idea he was married the whole time.    That he ruined her life b/c now her own son hates her. Yada yada yada.  Anyway, I told her she can have him and promptly kicked him out.  He proceeded to drink all night, threatening to kill himself and then wanted to come home....... so I blocked him.

Next day he had a come to Jesus. Said he hit rock bottom and knew he could never drink again. I support that but he still couldn't come home. He moved into his parents home and I left for Philly for Christmas with S16. Then in January, the day after I returned home, MIL had a massive heart attack and passed away a week later. We were all devastated. H is still living at their house still and is  taking care of his father. First time he has ever had to care for another human being in a long long time.

Then S16  reached out to me saying he had no motivation and couldn't sleep. That he felt sad all the time. Then he had a panic attack during practice one afternoon. It is a horrible feeling when your child is in trouble and you don't know how to help them. His school has an excellent counselor, so he is seeing him now and seems to be doing better.

H is working on his sobriety and says he wants to be a family again. Problem is, this is what I thought was going on last year....while he was in fact living  with the FB. I don't really believe a word that comes out of his mouth. So I am back at that place where I am living for me and S16 only. It is lacrosse season so H is extremely busy although he does see S16 for practices and games on the regular.  And he comes over for dinner with his dad every so often and will also come for Easter. I guess the difference is, I am no longer invested. A strange apathy took over after that cold morning in December. And though I feel terrible about MIL, and how it affects H, I am more sad for myself. She and I actually had gotten close. And I miss her terribly. I realize her death triggered all of those abandonment feelings again.

Despite the fact that post looks terribly sad and negative, it really isn't my mindset currently. S16 is doing much better. I discovered the fact that he reached out in the first place is an excellent sign.  And I am generally happy. I just feel so overwhelmed and alone sometimes. But I think that will pass as well. We all grieve differently. Bad things have to happen in order to help us appreciate the good. And even in the worst of circumstances, this too shall pass.

[Mitzpah]

Oh KIT,

I feel for you... I rarely come on here anymore - I have so much on my plate. I re-read all over last year and just read this update - you are a brave woman KIT, and you carry on being that rock for S16.

Despite the fact that post looks terribly sad and negative, it really isn't my mindset currently. S16 is doing much better. I discovered the fact that he reached out in the first place is an excellent sign.  And I am generally happy. I just feel so overwhelmed and alone sometimes. But I think that will pass as well. We all grieve differently. Bad things have to happen in order to help us appreciate the good. And even in the worst of circumstances, this too shall pass.

Oh yes, this too shall pass

Maybe I will update soon - nothing new, just in the midst of a storm, however, this too shall pass.

[beyondblessed]

KIT, I just came to say that I'm sorry for the loss of your MIL and also for all of the challenges that your H's crisis still presents.  You are  so strong in the face of it all.  You've survived every bad day to this point and will continue to do so....for you and your S.  He's very blessed to have such a courageous and supportive mom.

[MadLuv]

So very sorry for the loss of your MIL. Maybe this will truly be a turning point for change. Sounds like despite the loss and the new betrayal you are in a strong place to move forward no matter how things unfold. Also, so glad your sons school was able to help him. It’s so important the young men lnow it’s ok
To seek help.

[Treasur]

I’m sorry for your loss too, Kit.

And I hope you are managing to shut down any self-critical voice that is blaming yourself for believing him and giving him the (very generous) chance to start repairing the damage he has caused. His lies and avoidance and manipulation and the effects are simply not your responsibility. You gave him a chance, he blew it. You may or may not give him another.....but I suspect you will require rather more time and consistent evidence before/if you do. And that’s just fine. And it’s ok too to decide that you want not one jot more of the chaos he carries whether it is FB turning up on your doorstep or the effects of his drinking. You have other nicer, better, lovelier things to focus your time and energy on, right?

Acorn posted something on your last thread about her own realisation of needing to let go of her ‘greediness’ for her own h’s recovery and I thought that was a wise reminder. Your h will lie, drink and create mess around him until or unless he decides to stop doing so.....nothing to do with you or your son, not on a timeline that is influenced by you either way. You get to choose how much or how little of it you will allow past your door, but Acorn might be right that some kind of letting go of any investment you have in his recovery is a helpful thing.

[9393roo]

KIT, so good to hear from you.

I am so sorry to hear about your MIL.  I know from your past posts she was a person who seemed to be always in your corner while accepting her son for who he was.  She seemed like a bright light in your life, I'm really sorry.  It did remind me to call my MIL today.  She has been put in the same situation so many times. 

I can't say I'm surprised by your H.  I could just as easily see my H doing the very same thing.  A dip back into  mess of MLC to see if it can feel better than facing himself.  My H has taken a few dips himself.  Accepting this and guarding yourself and your heart is all you can do.  You seem calm and wise.  This is acceptance at its finest.

You have done an amazing job with your son.  You are his pillar, you are his rock.  It’s no small matter getting a 16 year old to open up and be honest.  You are an amazing mom.

I feel the times of overwhelming loneliness as well, and my H is still in the home.  Working on this myself. 

You sound good, strong and accepting.  Thanks for posting and showing all of us the unpredictability of MLC.  The only thing we can control is ourselves, and you are doing an outstanding job .

Hugs,  Roo

[Nas]

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother in law, KIT. I remember how she was supportive of you and how that meant a lot to you.

I'm also so glad that your S16 was able to share his feelings and reach out for help. I'm glad he has a counselor he feels comfortable working with.

[stillbaffled]

KIT - I also am not here much but I do occasionally check to see if there are updates from the folks who I got to know back in 2016 when my BD happened. 

Condolences on the loss of your MIL. 

I'm glad your son is working with a counselor.  I have many students that are in counseling and for the most part it appears to be such a good thing for them. 

Your MLCer......he has so many demons to escape.   Good on you for carrying on and being the parent your son needs. 

It was good to have an update from you, KIT. 

[Schratz66]

Oh my goodness KIT. I was hoping to get an update on how you are doing but I did not see all of this. Wow, just wow and first off...HUGS.
I am terribly sorry that your MIL passed....mine passed a year ago but she shunned D and I at BD so I did not get to see her during her final days. I am absolutely flabbergasted that he lied to you on that level and was living with her the entire year.......I don't even have words, other than if anyone can handle it, it is you. I am glad that S reached out to you that he had problems and that he is getting help. That truly is the worst feeling when your child is in trouble and there isn't much you can do. My D had serious anxiety issues her first college year and it was hard, but she made it through and I pray that your son will see that counseling does help.
The nerve of that FB to just pop up at your door.....
You know what though.....wisdom from Treasur when I had my near fatal face plant (not literally) ...the most difficult situations bring often the most transformation out in us. It will be 6 years for me in June and I have followed your story from the beginning and I know you will be ok.
It sucks having to continuously be the strong one, and it does get very lonely, but what choice do we have ?
Your MLCer is a definite moron for getting a second chance with this fabulous person that is you and screwing it up like nobody else.
Not that it wil be any consolation, but  just wrote on my thread that my MLC was always such an honest man and his word meant something and now he has turned into a liar who cannot be believed about anything, which is similar to yours. Realizing that actually helped me the last few weeks and I hope you will also see that your MLC in his current version is not a man that you would give the time of day to.
Keep doing you and your S and I am glad that you are generally happy despite this messed up situation.
Hope to hear an update again soon. You got this.

[gman242]

Im sorry for your loss KIT. Be strong, maybe it was a stumble, but who knows. It seems like you've been learning to put your first and that's important regardless. 

[UrsaMajor]

I guess we will have to see if he stops drinking for real. He's already had issues with that before right? DUI if I recall correctly? The fact he fell off the wagon again despite that is NOT a promising sign...

As for you, since Judgy McJudge is no longer your circus or monkey to deal with, he can sink or swim on his own merits.

I am so sorry to hear about MIL though. that is such a sad thing to have happen....

I am glad that S16 confided in you though. That is a good first step and a better way to reinforce your R with him and his with you...

I think though that I need

now to get rid of the mental image of FB on your porch in her jammies.... UGH!

[Shining Star]

Hi Kit:  I had no idea - last I heard he was living at home and behaving.  Just awful that you are dealing with his nonsense again.  FB is SO rude to come to your house - classless.....

I am sorry to hear about your S.  You have done such a good job of keeping him calm in the middle of the circus.  His dad moving out again, his grandmother, being a teenager with raging hormones - makes sense he is dealing with anxiety.  I am glad there is a good counselor at school. 

Very sorry for your loss.  It sounds as if she provided good support during the storm.

Sending a big hug!!

[FaithWalker]

Wow, KIT.  I am just now reading your update.  Sending you and S16 lots of positive (((((vibes)))).  You two have got this!

[Schratz66]

Hey KIT....just checking in on you and sending positive thoughts your way. Hope you are doing okay