[rosetintedglasses]

Sis

BD 3 years ago, H moved out 2 years ago.
He is now saying he will never come home as he doesn’t want to ever feel like he did again (he also has a OW2). So it’s like his memory of the last year or so of us living together was so bad (MLC) that he relates it to our marriage and won’t go back to that. Did you ever think like this? Or when you became properly aware was it obvious that although the end was bad that was not the marriage, that was your MLC?

In essence ‘I had a depressive crisis during my marriage, now I am happier so wont go back to my marriage in case I feel like that again’.

Hope that made sense!

Sis, I brought this question over from the end of the last thread in case it’s easier for you here, and also so I can attach to this thread!
Rose 🌹

[Savoir Faire]

Attaching

[Standing Strong]

You know I'm here for the ride Shocks 

-SS

[Wilderheart]

Attaching

[Sam I Am]

Attaching!  Thanks for taking your time to answer all our questions and concerns!

[Flabbergasted]

Also a big BIG thank you from me, Shock's sis! You have no idea how much your explanation means to me and almost everyone else on HS.

I think I understand a lot of MLC, just from listening (and reading) without judgement. Of course not all IS to be understood, because the mind is a powerful and mysterious thing.

What's hard for me to understand and is so painful is the following (and I hope you can give me some insight on that):

In the fog you're living a fantasy life. That's what I hear from a lot of ex-MLC'ers. The painful thing is: why couldn't that fantasy person be me (or any other LBS)? Of course I know a great deal of the answer, because we hear about it all the time. It's just that, if you have a fantasy then it's usually about something that you REALLY want. So if I hear someone say that the OW was JUST a fantasy, it feels like a blow in the stomach. Why wasn't I that fantasy?

Rationally I know why. But it still hurts, haha. When your feelings had returned was your ex-H your "fantasy" guy again? Or is it more like: I can't hold on to a fantasy, so I will have to do with second best and that would be my LBS.

Now that I'm writing it down it seems like a real strange question, lol. But it has been on my mind for a long time now and I would love to hear your thoughts on it.

Thanks in advance, strong lady! ;-)

Love,
Flab

[Stand Tall]

Flabbergasted,

  I'm just giving my opinion on the fantasy ow. What I understand is this person is, basically, playing the roll of the parent that caused the most damage to our MLCer while they were growing up. From what I know about my MIL she is a narcissist type, thinks only of herself, doesn't know how to show love, was and still is a drug addict and very manipulative and money hungry. H was an alcoholic by the age of 9. His dad lived across the country and was not in his life for most of his life. Knowing all this I'm glad that I am not who he uses for his fantasy ow. Actually makes me feel good about myself. I have morals and respect for myself. They are called an affair done for a reason.

Stand tall

[Not Applicable]

Swap the word "fantasy" for "delusion." I think that is a more accurate description. Do you really want to be part of your spouse's recreation of their miserable childhood? I think you need to look past the words these MLCers use and look at the substance of what is going on to really understand it.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I completely agree with both Stand Tall and NYM. The fantasy is more like a nightmare, especially looking back at it.

[Flabbergasted]

Thanks for your reactions, ST, NYM and MBIB. Believe me, I do know how it works.  I just want to hear what Shock's Sis has to say about it.

I don't post much, but I really understand a great deal of the MLC (as far as you can understand it). One of the reasons I know so much about it, is that I ask a lot of questions. I have a real life ex-MLC'er and his wife as my friends and he is my "Shock's Sis", hehe.

He's been back home for almost 3 years now and I can ask him anything and everything. Like SS, he's very open about what happened to them and that has given me so much insight. It's nice to also hear it from another person.

For myself, I'm living a good life. BD was in june 2017 and since then I've got myself a great new job, the house in my name, I throw parties, go out with friends a lot, go on vacation, and so on. I am happy just being me. I've always been that way to be honest. So when my ex-H left, I didn't have to work on myself more than I already did. Life is about working on yourself day to day in my humble opinion. I have a lot of fun, but I also give myself room to grieve. When I'm sad, I'm sad. And when that's done, I go on with my business.

I understand that he has to go through this and there's nothing I can do but leaving him alone. In the first year after BD he has told me a lot of what he was going through, before he went in deep.

I'm sorry for the hijack, Shockandawe and Shock's Sis! I started writing and made it into a novel.