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11
Our Community / You Can't Touch This
« Latest by beyondblessed on Today at 08:46:20 AM »
So, LB is on track for deadbeat dad of the year and SPQ is growing another ass 🤣🤣  Good times at Dysfunction Junction.  I'm glad you are bouncing back quicker these days because truly you wouldn't wanna touch what's going on over there.

Geez BB....

Tell us what you REALLY think? <snort!>



That's one thing about me, UM....NO one has ever accused me of not speaking my mind, freely 🤣🤣🤣
12
Attaching....

Do you then still consider yourselves "reconnecting" despite this? What do you see for YOUR future, say in the 5 year time frame?  If H is still off to the races with an EA with the Work Partner, what do you see happening?

You went in with your eyes WIDE open so you at least were not taken by surprise..... and now, taking the leap of faith to your own place... I hope that it brings you joy, peace, and comfort, and that regardless of whether H comes out of the fog someday or not...
13
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but a man who is incapable of seeing and valuing what he currently has in his life aka 3 children, a grand-daughter and a wife who stood for her marriage for over 8 years.  He is a man who still seeks external sources to make him feel better
This is always the hardest thing to wrap my head around. Can’t imagine what is better than your own family you created. You just have to be a lost soul. My XH feels deep shame, misses his family, want’s it back, but says he changed and can’t get back to that place. Never feels anywhere is home. It heartbreaking where there head space is.

I also have remained in our home. I think it would be right now healthier to have a new space, but I have also been told the longer you remain the space becomes your own. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer. Enjoy your new home song. You get to create a new space for your new life. You did everything you could to keep your family together. Nothing can be done when you work alone. It takes both. Keep sharing your story as you move forward and thank you for documenting it for all this time. It’s been invaluable to all our journeys.
14
Our Community / How to conduct myself around the MLCer
« Latest by Tornup on Today at 07:45:47 AM »
That’s a tough one. I think just a simple message Happy Birthday?? My XH did email me first thing with his work email. “Wishing you a Happy Birthday” It would have been more personal with a text, but he did reach out.

With that said even with my children being adults I would do a combined gift from all of us. My XH had all his bird feeders stolen from his condo. His Birthday is next weekend and he is moving in his gf that weekend. Before I was told I bought replacements from all the kids and also made one with his college team and used a license plate for the roof from one our first cars.

I gave them to him as they were already done. That will be the last bday gift from me. He will have to look at that personalized bird house for years to come. I always did one hand made gift. To me there is nothing better. For me is was a good way to end the gift giving. It was by far more than he deserved.
15
And……. He didn’t pay the weekly alimony. It is always amazing to me how I pay when he doesn’t get his way for what he did to me. I am not reaching out. I will wait and see if he caves and pays. If he does not I will have an outside source message him. I am not cracking!!!!!!
16
Our Community / How to conduct myself around the MLCer
« Latest by Lostinthewoods on Today at 07:34:46 AM »
Thank you for your replies, I read your posts again again,I will reply to your posts in detail however now
I need your views on the below
 it's his birthday this Saturday, do I get him a cake , popular opinion (friends) says no
For my Birthday this year
He just messaged me : Goodmorning and Happy Birthday.
no call , no gifts , nothing.
I do not know what to do, I thought I will take the high road and get him a cake and nothing else .
Should I wish him at all?
What is your opinion?
17
Dear Song,

Your honesty is so very welcomed. Your experience with this will, if you can continue to share be very valuable to alll on HS so I look forward to future updates.

Although moving from your home into your new home will be difficult, it will also clearly define that this is your house....although I stayed in the house we were in before BD, this is very much my home. He never returned here to live so I don't have the ghosts lingering, especially because we had not lived very long in this house before we went overseas.....

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My H doesn't want "us".

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I remember reading somewhere in RCR's notes that when the MLCer "wakes up" some MLCers will not return to the marriage. They will not completely walk away and never been seen again but they know that the marriage is not for them.

My husband doesn't want "us" either, except on the periphery in the most superficial manner. Unlike you, he has never once, not frigging once in 12 years expressed anything verbally to me about what happened, not a frigging word of any regret/remorse/shame/guilt/sadness...to me this is totally unnatural and surreal.

I don't expect that he ever will.

I was listening to something by Dr. Joe Beam who is a well known marriage counsellor and he was talking about the reasons why people leave a marriage. He stated that very rarely, and he emphasized rarely, someone leaves because they just want to be by themselves. I suspect that is the case with Mr.xyzcf......but then, I don't have any idea really about his world.

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but a man who is incapable of seeing and valuing what he currently has in his life aka 3 children, a grand-daughter and a wife who stood for her marriage for over 8 years.  He is a man who still seeks external sources to make him feel better.

I don't understand it. There is nothing that I value more than time with my family. We recently spent 4 days together as a family and he certainly seemed to participate fully, and then out the door he goes. At 67 years old, life forward is going to be a struggle....as our health deteriorates, friends die and we can't do some of the things that once brought us joy......I think that the isolation of COVID also taught me.....there are things I want to do, so do not postpone them.

You have wanted to have a place of your own for a very long time. Some peace in your life and so you have made the right decision for you and no "apologies" are necessary (aka:I have pulled the plug on "us".) It's Song's time now although I suspect there will still be place for your husband in some capacity and for that I truly admire you and the care and concern that you have shown him.

Looking forward to hearing more.
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Just wanted to acknowledge your courage, Song, and I hope your new house will be a delightful new chapter for you.
Presume that your h’s house is a different house  :) And your son?
19
As I write I am finalising my offer on a property for me. H now has a house to go to. 

In short we are separating.  It has been a long time coming but it is necessary for a whole host of reasons.

I debated starting this new thread for some time. Here I am with a reconnected spouse and yes we are reconnected just not reconciled and we are separating.  That doesn't make sense I hear newbies say.....but it does.

My H doesn't want "us".  I thought I did but now I see in my H a broken man (not just because of his stroke) but a man who is incapable of seeing and valuing what he currently has in his life aka 3 children, a grand-daughter and a wife who stood for her marriage for over 8 years.  He is a man who still seeks external sources to make him feel better. He is a man who has become afraid of commitment, who is pre-occupied with his own health.
That said, I have had the words of regret, the remorse, the heartfelt tears of apologies. I have had the pleading for forgiveness.
 We have had many open, honest and tearful conversations about what went wrong - what he did, what he said during those early MLC years. His memory is sort of shot about much of the specifics.
I believe he really does regret ever starting the affair and causing us all so much pain and anguish. But he is not prepared to want to restore the marriage.

I remember reading somewhere in RCR's notes that when the MLCer "wakes up" some MLCers will not return to the marriage. They will not completely walk away and never been seen again but they know that the marriage is not for them.

This is where my H is I believe and now (at long last I hear some of you say) I have pulled the plug on "us".

I might be using this thread to go into more detail about the conversations we have had to help give people more information on that process of the MLCer moving out of the tunnel.
I might just use it to journal my thoughts....

Anyway - suffice to say I am ok with it all.  I will be very very very sad to leave this house which was meant to be my forever home and it will be probably one of the most painful things I have had to do since BD.  However I know I cannot move forward anymore where I am, new chapter syndrome - just hard to finish writing the current chapter.......  Hence the title of my thread.

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