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Author Topic: My Story Confused

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My Story Confused
OP: September 26, 2021, 06:22:45 AM
Hello, I've been working through husband's MLC for a little over 4 years. I have learned so much about myself and have found my independence again. I've learned to set boundaries, and concentrate on what's best for me.  Although he left 4 years ago, we had been spending one or two weekend days together and holidays for the last 3….until 2 months ago. He stopped most communication with me other than dealings with the finances, kids and house stuff.  I have left him alone, staying out of his line of fire and enjoying the peace and calm. The last time I saw him, he went on an angry tirade about paying me support checks. He has always been good with them. His anger is also ramping up about the pandemic and politics. The anger has been there for a long time, but the tirade 2 months ago directed straight at me is new.  He has also started reaching out to our son, but not our daughter. 
Can anyone help me understand what might be going on? I originally thought it was a good sign of him working his way through, but now I'm not so sure. It's getting harder to hold on to hope. 
Thank you.
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Confused
#1: September 26, 2021, 06:41:39 AM
Hello Hpfl3366 and welcome to Heros Spouse. Glad to hear that you have been able to work through the last 4 years.

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Can anyone help me understand what might be going on?

They are angry aren't they? The "good guy" they like to show the world tries to keep that hidden but I saw and heard of episodes of anger that were so out of character for him. For some reason, we are the ones that they see are the cause of their unhappiness. He is now angry about having to give you support checks. In his mind, why should he?

Do you have a legal agreement in place regarding support? If not, I would suggest that you do make sure you and your family are protected legally.

How long can they be like this and why do they sometimes seem to be getting worse?

It can be years as you probably already know and things can happen that you would never expect.

We do not really know what causes MLC so it is difficult to understand.

I often have a really nice time with my husband and then will not hear from him again, or if I reach out to him, I am greeted with a cold and hard response.

It is all very confusing.

Knowing that this is "common" for MLCers helps me. The best things to do is to continue to build your own life for he presently is not able to enter into a normal relationship with you or his kids. Although sometimes they do try to reach their kids, it is often in a very superficial way.

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It's getting harder to hold on to hope.

We want our partners to be who they were, we want our families to be intact and yes, it is very hard everyday to hope that one day they will "wake up". To me, it's worse than a death because they are still connected to our world, but they do not want us or their families in in...unless it suits them.

Take really good care of yourself.
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« Last Edit: September 26, 2021, 06:42:57 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Confused
#2: September 26, 2021, 06:42:42 AM
I guess it depends on what you are hoping for...... :)

I suspect that something or someone else in his world is adding pressure.....financial problems, a demanding ow, concerns about his job....all very common with MLCers when their magic happy fantasy starts to not look quite so easy or quite so magical  ::)....and he now perceives your support checks as ‘unfair’ even if he agreed to them before.  Waste of time discussing it with him; he will feel how he feels. But, if you have not already done so, you may want to take legal advice in case he decides to reduce or stop these payments. Which is sadly also all too common.

Not uncommon either for them to favour one kid over another as you will read from stories here. Sometimes a weird kind of identification with one over another, sometimes bc of how different kids react and how ‘easy’ or ‘difficult’ those reactions are for the MLCer. How are your kids doing?

If you give us a little more basic info about your situation - length of marriage, age of kids, why you think it is MLC, how financially dependent you and your kids are - that will help us to advise you better?
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Confused
#3: September 26, 2021, 07:04:10 AM
Attaching
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H
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Confused
#4: September 26, 2021, 08:46:41 AM
Thank you for your replies…
I did a Lot of research when this started. As time has gone by, I have witnessed all the things I’ve read about. The nice guy, then the not so nice.  When he’s been not so nice, he has always apologized. I’ve not been confused until now, I’ve been working on making me a better person and have left him to deal with his stuff at his own pace. He got angry at the support checks because I asked if he could give me $100.00 more per month (and, no, it would not be even close to a hardship for him). There is nothing legal drawn up. I have asked for the minimum amount to be able to keep up with the bills. In the last year, things around the house have broken and gone out that I have paid for and have done most of the work myself. These days since Covid, prices have continued to increase. I thought 100.00 was very reasonable. I am disabled and on Social Security.
He has been very open with me and as far as I can tell, been honest. He said he’s jealous of me for many reasons….for making better decisions than he has, for having a better relationship with the kids, etc.  also, he has said he was a jerk when the kids were little and that he has treated me badly.  He has recently told me he now has trouble sleeping, concentrating and focusing. He has said he loses track of time and many more things that have given me an insight as to his moving forward or backward. He has always said he doesn’t trust anyone but me. Also that he thought he would have so much more time if he moved out, but he was very wrong. That he didn’t realize or give me credit for all the work I did. I suppose what I’m hoping for most is that the “Replay” stage is beginning to end. We also had a VERY good BBQ with the kids. Before that BBQ, he texted me several photos and videos of BBQ’s from years past. About 3 weeks later is when he went ballistic. When he was done yelling, he asked if I wanted to go to lunch and if I needed groceries. I declined. When he was leaving, he wanted a hug.  I was not upset at all when he left. I was relieved. I did notice his face changing while he was yelling. He ended up giving me the extra support money. I gave up long ago, having any expectations, but I don’t know how to make sense of going somewhere almost every weekend, to pretty much nothing. If it helps, 2 weeks ago, he was asking his mom about his childhood.

I hadn’t thought of outside pressure until your post. I knew I wasn’t adding pressure on him to stay in contact (I would wait for him to contact me). But! His work has added non-stop stress for several months. His workforce has been cut in half and he got promoted. He has been working 12-14 hour days, 6 days a week (most weeks), with no end in sight. He said he just keeps falling further and further behind. He also has 2 vehicles that are not running (his doing) and have been that way for a little over a year. 
We have been together since we were 17…almost 43 years, now. He came home from work one night a little over 4 years ago and said (very calmly) “I love you to death, but I’m not in love with you and I want a divorce.”  That night he said he thought he was having a midlife crisis and had to leave to ‘figure his s#@t out. He moved out 1 month later. He gave our son 3 days notice to move home to help me physically and financially, which is why I didn’t ask for more support money from him. That is the only time he said he wanted a divorce. Since then, he has maintained that he does not want a divorce. In short, he left 4 years ago, but we’ve been ‘dating’ for the last 3 years.
He chose to confide in our friends’ daughter, whom we’ve known since before she was born. It was not physical, and no, I’m not in denial. Even if he wanted it to be I KNOW she would not have participated. She’s called us ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’ her whole life. Our kids called her their sister. They have not any contact for over 3years, but it tore our families apart.  Our daughter (30 y/o) has wanted very little to do with him because of her hurt. So Treasur, you’re right about it being much easier for him to have contact with our son (31 y/o). Husband has also told me he knows how angry our daughter is with him.
Didn’t mean to make this so long. Thank you for your thoughts. 

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« Last Edit: September 26, 2021, 09:13:28 AM by Hpfl3366 »

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Re: Confused
#5: September 27, 2021, 05:19:55 AM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
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H
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Confused
#6: September 28, 2021, 05:34:13 AM
Thank you OP. The articles were a good reminder for me.  I haven’t read HB’s articles for a couple of years, now I can’t find them.
I have come a long way in 4 years. Since my accident (25 years ago, I fell at work and broke my back. Long story, doesn’t matter.  Had hardware put in and 3 years later, the hardware broke and had to have it done again).   I have been told “You can’t do that”.  I believe that when H started telling me that, it was out of protection for my physical health. Then he taught the kids. Gradually, it became control on H’s part. I seldom said or did anything about because I avoided confrontation and arguments…..I was afraid he’d leave! Ain’t that a kicker?!  He now knows he no longer has control of me. I have set my boundaries and am sticking to them with everyone. I’ve gotten rid of unhealthy friendships and no longer care if it upsets them.  I have lived my life pleasing others, even to the point of it being detrimental to me. I’ve known where it came from for decades, but didn’t know how to fix it without hurting someone’s feelings.  Since I was about 10, my mom told me and my brother that we would never have any friends, that we would never be married, etc. My brother is 1 year older than I and he has ZERO friends. He is the consummate loner. As he says, “Mom was right”. I, on the other hand, have lived my life trying to prove her wrong…..until 4 years ago when H dropped that bomb out of the blue.
Last year, I went to his mom’s, out of state. She and I have been best friends for over 40 years and she needed help as she is not well.  I stayed for several months and I learned so much about myself…..physically and emotionally. I didn’t have the anxiety of ‘Will H ask me out again this weekend?”  While there, I installed a dishwasher and then 2 ceiling fans. I took care of things that she needed done and it felt wonderful! What do you know! I AM worth something! When I got back home, I always had to find projects to stop my mind from thinking constantly. It turned out that while doing the physically demanding projects (painting the inside of the house, reupholstering things making a headboard, redoing the grout and many more), I learned that I could do so much more that whet I even knew. 
The part I still have trouble with is the loneliness. We moved into this house 10 years ago. It’s only 30 minutes from our old city, but it’s a drive through mountains. If I were in our old city, I would have friends stopping by and wouldn’t feel so alone.

Today, I am asking for some advice…It is once again time for H to send support checks. Please keep in mind, it was never an issue until his tirade 2 months ago when I asked for a bit more.  On that day, I stayed very calm, which made him angrier. Lucky for me, I knew what was going on. He was looking for a fight and I didn’t give it to him. Since he left, his checks were not a problem. He would give me several at a time, each post-dated to coincide with his paydays. When we were seeing each other on the weekends, I would tell him when I cashed the last one and he would give me several more.  He kept saying, “Remind me when you need more.” I have always replied, “I don’t want to remind you, it’s humiliating to me. Please put a reminder in your phone to remind yourself.” He has never done that, so I have continued to remind him because I have bills to pay. We texted a couple weeks ago about some business that we needed to take care of….a car he has PROMISED to get rid of for 12 years! It’s in MY driveway. Can you tell it’s a pet peeve of mine? Our son wants the car, but H has lost the title. The business we were to take care of was getting a duplicate title, which H said he would pay for and take care of.   He still hasn’t done it, but I have now taken care of it. In those texts, I told him I cashed the last support check and asked him to MAIL SOME so I receive them by this Friday and to please let me know when he mails them.  He said he would do that. It takes about 4 days for me to receive mail from him, so he should have ,ailed them yesterday.  I have not heard from him, so I will, once again, send him a text today today. Again, long story just to get to my point….This is why I would like some insight on my belief that he is in the process of moving from Replay to  deeper Depression. IF he’s where I think he is, it’s easier for me to be compassionate. I’m not worried that he won’t send them. I think he just forgot again. When I text him (if he’s where I think he is), I think it would be better for him if I were still friendly. Would that be correct?  I’m tired of being patient and understanding. I am angry and frustrated and resentful, which I thought I had gotten past. I’ve had to purchase a new washer, which I had just paid off, then the fridge went out and I’m stuck with that bill also with no (or very little help) from him. 
Help.
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« Last Edit: September 28, 2021, 05:41:18 AM by Hpfl3366 »

 

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