[3longyrs]

There are many who witness the Cycling and Chaotic behaviour and conclude that Midlifers know exactly what they are doing. Since the behaviour cycles, there are pockets of rationale and clarity. Some are able to compartmentalize their lives, functioning at work and other activities away from the home. It is not that the Midlifers do not care, but rather that they must shield themselves from caring. They feel they must do whatever it is they are doing even when internally admitting it is wrong. They steel themselves emotionally; but they are not without guilt; rather I believe that for many it is the opposite. Their guilt is so immense that the burden is overwhelming. They are running from the demons within themselves and from the burdening reminders of guilt from the spouse, whether she is actively laying guilt or not. In addition, OWs add guilt by forcing responsibility for their happiness and success on the midlifer, and then by punishing him when he cycles between her and his wife.

Midlifers are not always aware of their actions. There is an awareness within each moment, but a global absence of awareness; this only becomes clear later. Driven by emotions, Midlifers are moment and self focused and often unable to link consequences and understand the relation of their behaviour to the external world. Their memory becomes fuzzy; though they may be aware of their actions during each present moment, in clarity they may not recall what takes place during fog and vice versa.

I hesitate to post what I am about to write with the doubt and negativity I have read on shocked sis's thread about being in mlc...

In may of 2015 I suffered a pretty serious heart attack,my w stayed by my side for 5 days in icu...6 months later she would be gone and well into the tunnel of mlc...In the few years leading up that I now know I was in a pretty rough mlt,anger,an ea online and just general unrest...

Now I can plainly see I was who I was...a man in a serious mlt...do I remember it all?...no,but most of it...enough of it to tell you that RCR is pretty much spot on..

[xyzcf]

RCR's description of the MLCer is as valid to me today as it was when I first read it in 2010.

I see his crisis, and have always identified with it as a "dis-ease" ..not a sickness or an illness...but something that lead to the fracturing of who he was and who he is now....the suddenness and the lack of any warning is what I have always turned back to ...but I have rarely questioned if he is in a crisis or not.

I do have contact with him and that always gives me some insight. I think the contact really helps me to understand better what has happened to him.

My memories of our marriage are definitely the ones I had before BD. I have not rewritten those 32 years. I have looked more closely and can see some of the areas that could have been improved...none, in my mind, that ever warranted the ending of our marriage. Nothing that could not have been worked out and resolved.

This has not prevented me from growing and living a satisfactory life. I still love him. I have always stated that just because he left, he had a crisis and his feelings changed does not mean that I had to change my beliefs about us or the marriage that we had or the love that we once shared.

RCR's articles are still gold in my mind to understand what happened...and with that understanding, allow me to be compassionate to someone I love who also did not get a say in this crisis hitting him. His actions are perhaps a different thing..more under his control...but the actual crisis happened due to a multitude of factors.

Reading accounts from MLCers once they have come through the tunnel helps me to see that this is not just a terrible tragedy for the LBSer but as well for the MLCer. That will upset some people and perhaps start another argument...I will say this is how I think about MLC and RCR's articles support what I have experienced. Most people outside of MLC land do not see what I have seen in my spouse and few understand if I try and explain because it has not happened to them.

But, the times I have been with other LBSers or spoken to them has always also given me the gift that they know...they too know how totally unreal this has all been and continues to be.

[3longyrs]

Most people do not see what I have seen in my spouse and few understand if I try and explain because it has not happened to them.

But, the times I have been with other LBSers or spoken to them has always also given me the gift that they know...they too know how totally unreal this has all been and continues to be.

Thats the thing xyzcf,You know what you know...

[Milly]

For me, RCR has been right. Not every part of every article she's written can be applied to my situation, but the ones that do, have been very close to my reality.

And not only, her articles have gotten me to the place I'm at now. I mean about myself, my personal growth, my finally being me. I would not be where I am today without RCR's (and HB) articles. I was re-reading some of RCR's articles tonight, and they only get better the more I read them, or the longer I'm at this. She also has a very non-judgemental way of writing that makes me feel at ease. I don't feel accused, attacked. Her voice sounds wise yet humble.

For me, RCR's articles are extremely valuable.

[SteelSpine]

I also believe RCR has been right, and her research and writings have been invaluable to me.

She has written so much however, that it can easily be cherry-picked. By anyone.

I think that one of the huge ideas RCR touched on that is almost completely ignored by standers and non-standers alike, is that the MLC'er can progress the entire length of their crisis, heal, reintegrate and all that, and STILL make the choice to not return.
I believe this choice can be made regardless of whether the LBS has detached, done mirror-work, or paved a way.

I feel that as the forum ages, and the space between old-timer and newbie increases, a generation gap forms. Many old timers no longer have the patience to allow newbies time for their own process. I feel it is ESSENTIAL for a newbie to spend some time obsessing over the mlc'er, the ow, the events that led to the destruction of their lives, and I truly feel that there is a distinct heavy-handedness with the GAL 2X4s.

2x4s can be useful, but not as often as people think, in my opinion.  To me they smack of fixing, controlling, projecting. Especially if they are made without gentleness and compassion.

How much time the newbie spends in mlc'er obsession is the newbie's choice. Sometimes this wallowing behavior is necessary. Heck, sometimes this wallowing behavior IS THE PROCESS.

[Whyus]

I dont think that we tend to stop believing in MLC after a time. I do believe that many LBS reach a Point where it is just too much, too much has happened or a boundry hasnt been respected.

I dropped my Stand the day where XW and I were sat together at the bank, we had just signed over our house. She opened her purse Right infront of me so that I could see a pic of OM in there. We had got on fine that day but this was an act of poor Evil, she knew exactly what she was doing and also knew how it would effect me.
My lawyers office was only 100m away, I left the bank, said goodbye, went across the road and filed for our D. Ihave to be honest, it was one of the best feelings i have ever had, there was a MASSIVE weight lifted in that moment.

Guys, I hope that you dont mind me using you as examples but you have said it yourselves often enough.
UM:- his "deadline" was the D. He always said once Divorced his stand stops.
Thunder:- has often said that if there was an OW she wouldnt have stood, her boundry was an OP which most of us are dealing with and still stand.
We are all different and all have our boundrys, everybody is capable of dropping their stand once that boundry is crossed. Then we flip our own little swich I guess.

[Milly]

Steel, I am very much in agreement with some of your comments, specifically that an LBS should be allowed that time to focus on her MLCer and the OW. I do believe it's part of the process. Even the oldies that come on and sound as if they're shouting at people to stop focussing, did focus themselves at first.

At first, and not only, we are starving to learn what happened, to understand why we hadn't been able to predict what would happen to our marriages, our family. And it wasn't a natural disaster that we must mourn and accept, we were part of the dynamic. This is one of the hard lessons. There are two people in this crisis at BD.

 Even once I discovered HS, HB, and the other many sources of information on MLC, they weren't always easy to grasp the first time. I found I had to read and re-read the articles over and over. Even the books on MLC are not as easy to understand as they appear. It can take years to grasp the subtleties of this crisis. Some people have more time to read, others can grasp concepts faster than others, some people are just in such deep pain they move forward at a slower pace, but it is my belief, that you can't force anyone to stop doing something; they have to reach that place themselves.

Actually, focussing on my MLCer, MLC, OW brought me to a point of being bored by the subject, plus a feeling of it being pointless because I'd tried everything I could and nothing worked. That is a lesson. If I'd just stopped because others didn't want me to, it might have worked, but I don't think I would have learned. I feel I would have been at risk of finding myself with those emotions to deal with again in the future.

I say let people do whatever they need to do. Once someone gives advice they think is important, they cannot force the other person to take it. However, if after the advice is given, the LBS is left alone, I do believe that when the doubts start creeping in her head, that advice could add a certain weight, it becomes validation of her new thoughts.

[Thunder]

Good post, Milly.

So true, about reading the articles over and over again.  They don't sink in for a long time..but eventually they make so much sense and you really start to understand what happened to our spouses had nothing to do with us.

Xyzcf I agree with you, it is hard on the MLCer too.

I've always said..who in their right mind would choose to go into a crisis and blow up their whole family?  Losing homes and retirement accounts...and sometimes their children.
No normal person I know.

I saw the deep depression in my H.  He was not a happy man.
He even said one day.."This has been the worst 2 years of my life."  I asked why that was and he said.."Well the divorce and all."

[Nas]

Yes, Thunder, but some (even many) MLCers don’t lose homes and retirement accounts. Some lose nothing material, or very little.
Again this just highlights that we all often speak from where we’re at and also from our experience. And many have experienced being so screwed over financially...and this is leading down a road to a conversation that caused a massive explosive weeks-long exhausting blow up before so I’m just going to stop right there.

[Thunder]

No your right Nas, some don't lose much financially.  Some LBS's have a good income.
Sometimes it's even the MLCer who loses financially.

I just meant more the other things, blowing up a 20/25 year decent marriage, alienating their kids..or downright ignoring them, losing jobs they had for years, bringing their morals down to the level of a dog therefore losing respect.
Just blow up their lives.

Those are things any decent person would not want to do.