Hello everyone, just thinking of you all on this beautiful Saturday in June.  Things are good here.  Mom turned 80 yesterday and we had a lovely time up on the Mesa, fishing, eating lunch at a lodge and enjoying nature.  There were about 10 of us able to celebrate with more celebrating to come with other family throughout the Summer.  Mom was able to catch 4 fish!  We had to all keep encouraging her to reel it in because she would stop lol and she had a little trouble casting at first, but she did really well!  Better than I expected and a good reminder that I need to get her out there more often.

I started officially in my new position April 20th, after taking a week in the Caribbean first.  I cruised with my B and SIL and a married couple friend of ours.  One of my other B and SIL's came and stayed at the house with Mom.  I had no trouble being the 5th wheel on the trip.  We did Grand Bahama, Dominican Republic and Grand Turk.  Realized while I was in the Caribbean that it was the 10 year anniversary of my Divorce.  Wow, time flies!

Turned 48 in May (I was 37 at MLC Bomb Drop) and have been really disturbed by my weight and the effects of aging and pre-menopause so I started the 75 hard.  I've only made it to day 2 once since I started the day before my birthday but that's okay, I'm out there trying lol.  I'm going to continue to go after it and hopefully at some point there will be some pay-off.

D turned 24 and S turned 26.  And my 30 year HS reunion is in July.

I hope everyone is well!  Let me know how you're doing and what's new with you.   

So nice to read an update from you!  He is losing out with the kids (and you).  Glad to know that you are doing well!

I just think some love deeper and are more acceptable to faults in others. Have better communication skills and most of don’t need that high of a new car, new person, big trip…..that’s mature love and relationships. To be grateful with where you are. Who you are with. I don’t think anyone in a marriage doesn’t at times look at their spouse and think “ who are they?” There are pikes and valleys. Comfortability with time and I think MLCers get bored. Harbor resentments. Chase those high school
Romance feelings. They aren’t ever happy or satisfied. When I asked my XH a year after he left if he was happy he stated “ I hate when you ask me that” I think that says it all. They are never truly happy.  I also think it reverses. They first find the exit as relief when we are in shambles, but then we grow and learn and survive and that’s when all their pushed aside emotions and escapes stop working. We pay at the beginning. Theirs is delayed. That’s how I feel now.

Though, i have to say the whole womanizing and the lying thing was already there even before he met me. In hindsight, I don't know which part of that marriage was true and which part was a lie. I don't know what else he was lying about, especially when he was assigned abroad. But, that doesn't matter now. I cannot change what happened and it doesn't affect my future anymore.

It’s funny, I recently had one of the most interesting conversations with a priest. I’m an atheist, so he wasn’t going to change my mind and I wasn’t going to change his mind, but the conversation was stimulating. At one point we ended up talking about perception, self-delusion, self-awareness, and radical acceptance. We humans will do a lot to avoid discomfort or disruption. And there’s this thing called preconscious knowledge. Things that we know, the knowing exists within us but it’s not in our active awareness. It’s not that we’re turning a blind eye so much as we’re just choosing to not yet know what we know.

We can also “know” things but do nothing about it because the status quo is comfortable enough and changing it would be very disruptive. And when we are the focus of someone’s attention, it’s very easy to believe that the way they behave in other situations and with other people doesn’t apply to us. One of the hardest things I’ve learned throughout my life is that if a person will treat other people a certain way, there’s no reason to believe they won’t treat me that way at some point. Example: My former husband was highly annoyed by people. He was nicer to people depending on context. Even through the perpetual cycles of cutting me down and then building me back up and then cutting me down, I still lived in the delusion that I had a hierarchical advantage, that my status was safe. I think it’s human nature, we just want to believe we matter. In reality, that’s why it’s so important to observe whether behavior is consistent -  the way a person treats others shows you what they’re capable of.

That said, for many years you made the choice to love your husband and that was real. Any happiness you felt during those years was real. Those moments were real. They were just as real as the moments of happiness you felt recently in France with your sister. That’s my belief anyway. You can’t get inside your ex-husband‘s head and know what he felt or didn’t feel, but you know what you felt and it was genuine and it absolutely matters.

Blue moon, you saw me standing alone. Without a dream in my heart. Without a love of my own. Blue moon, you knew just what I was there for.......

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Tonight (Last night at 04:45 UTC (Sunday morning) was the full moon) is a Full Blue Moon. The Blue Moon occurs when there are 2 Full Moons within the same month, this is the second Full Moon of May. The name Blue Moon comes from an ancient word which is 'Belewe' which means to betray, so the Blue Moon literally means Betrayer Moon. Monthly Moon phases were each given names, this helped farmers to prepare for various types of weather and crop rotations such a  Full Harvest Moon for example, so the extra Full Moon in a month would often confuse people and messing up the farming calendar giving it the name Betrayer Moon.
There is so much happening around this Moon in terms of once-in-a-lifetime type chances. It’s as if we are all on the edge of something so big and we have to make the decision to take the path we’ve always taken, or to jump into the territory of new possibilities. The Blue Moon has a super charged energy we can use to help us heal in every emotional and spiritual aspects of our lives, soak up the Moons glow and invite it to enter our bodies as waves of healing energy.
This Full Moon is in the sign of Sagittarius, it is about celebrating our individuality, our little quirks that make us different from everybody else. Let your creativity come out. Do something a little different, dress a little differently, wear your hair a little differently, rebel against the norm. Take a walk on the weird side of life.
Our minds will be clear and uncluttered around now, we will be able to see things as they really are, we can take off our rose tinted glasses and take a good look at ourselves and the world around us as it is and not how we want it to be. This will also have us asking ourselves if we are happy with where we are and what what we're doing.
As amazing as this Moon will be, and necessary, it’s going to be one that challenges us on every single level. In the build up to this lunar event we may have been feeling restless, or have had an excess of nervous energy. Our pulses may have been racing and it may have been harder for us to relax or fall asleep at night. Our spirits can sense that we are on the verge of something big, but it’s up to us to initiate change. We are on the threshold of having massive pieces of the puzzle collide or fall into place.
There may be big changes or upsets in the status quo during the next several weeks. We may find ourselves acting in ways that only a few weeks ago we never thought possible, but Sagittarius is lighting a fire inside of our hearts and daring us to break the boundaries that have held us back for far too long. While we may feel anxious at all of the possible changes being presented to ourselves, know that the universe won’t bring us anything we aren’t ready for. The truth of it is there is no such thing as the perfect time, so now is as good a time as any.
Everything that we have been going through the past year has been leading up to this Moon. It’s the time of infinite possibilities, of desires bubbling over and manifesting themselves in our lives in ways we never thought possible. No matter what has come in or out of our lives in the past few years, once in a while we are given the chance to have everything we’ve always wanted, we just have to make the choice now to not let it go.
Because certain chances only come around once in a Blue Moon.