[TJ7044]

I don't want to be an MLC.  At 68M, my time for meaningful physical contact, including but not limited to sex, is getting short.  We have a good marriage of 36 years, but wife has never been touchy, cuddly, affectionate, or sexual.  She does not deny me, but I feel creepy since she never wants it.  It has always been this way.  She might find it pleasurable once we get going.  I am the best lover I can be.  I was previously married to bipolar, so current wife is wonderful.

We have gone as long as 3 years without sex, and she doesn't think that's strange.  We went 10 years having sex once a year because I just could not let it go longer than a year.  Wanting sex is embarassing and emasculating for me so I learned not to want it.

A year ago, I told her that intimacy was important to me and would she set aside Saturday nights to disconnect from the world?  We have done that, as scheduling permits.  But I've reached the best I can achieve.  When we started, she would recoil when I touched her (admittedly, I may grope a bit).  She lost a lot of weight 3 years ago and I find her attractive.  After a year, she does not recoil from touch, spontaneously takes my hand, responds if I'm affectionate with her, gives a quick kiss goodby every morning, still does not cuddle.  Saturday nights are for us, sometimes we talk and plan, sometimes we are intimate.  But I feel I'll never have a "normal" (spontaneous) intimate relationship with her.

She has never once acted like she is attracted to me (or anyone else).  Wife has childhood trauma, an alcoholic mother and a very religious father.  Clearly they did not model a good relationship.  Wife is not interested in other experiences (swinging, clubs, fettish, etc.).  She was a virgin when we met and has no interest in knowing what she is missing.  She's childlike and passive in terms of our relationship.

I recently went on a dating site.  I expected nothing because short men rarely connect (5' 6").  A lovely, accomplished, warm woman asked me out.  She asked me!  I was on top of the world.  But my bubble burst whe I had to say I was married and could only be friends.  She declined.  One lie, and my sexual frustration might have been over, at least temporarily.  My wife would not think twice if we we were never intimate again - not it's not part of her nature.

Relationship goals: to be desired; to be attractive; to be treated like a man, not just a roommate; to have her actively participate in intimacy, not just concent.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I would like to state that you do not sound like you are MLC but rather you are frustrated.

We have a good marriage of 36 years, but wife has never been touchy, cuddly, affectionate, or sexual.  She does not deny me, but I feel creepy since she never wants it.

Thirty-six years is a long time and shows a commitment to your marriage. We are both alike that our wives are not touchy or affectionate. However, I find the more contact that I initiate. Touching her leg when I drive the car. Lightly touch her in the kitchen. Complimenting her for her looks, her hard work, or great ideas. Also the well placed I love you all make her more receptive to intimacy.

And when we are close, it doesn't always have to end with sex. However all of this combines to create a satisfied life for me.

I recently went on a dating site.  I expected nothing because short men rarely connect (5' 6").  A lovely, accomplished, warm woman asked me out.  She asked me!  I was on top of the world.  But my bubble burst whe I had to say I was married and could only be friends.  She declined.  One lie, and my sexual frustration might have been over, at least temporarily.

This is a bad idea. You are risking your marriage, your commitment to the love of your life, and risking other's feelings and safety as well. If you put yourself out there as a single, you need to be single. Cheating only hurts everyone involved.

I would really advise marriage counseling now so that you can communicate with your wife with the help of a professional. It won't to try and it could really help you.

Just to let you know, I don't see MLC as a marriage issue, but a crisis of identity and a desire to change every aspect of one's life.

Have a great day,

(((Ready)))

[MadLuv]

I agree. This does not sound like MLC. MLC rewrites history to exit a relationship that is pretty normal. Your sex life seems to always have been an issue and conversations on what both needs were should have been or still need to be established. Maybe you both have deal breakers on this that are not fulfilling, but at 36 years of marriage that is a long time to now give up. If all else is good than maybe you both should agree to counseling maybe with even a sex therapist that can find the deep issues beneath to help change and make your marriage what you both need.

[forthetrees]

Have you ever asked her if she had been sexually abused or raped? The recoil strikes me as a defensive responsive and if she is present physically but not emotionally when you do have sex I wonder if she dissociates in order to avoid triggering a past event- not with you.