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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting New chapter please

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My Story Reconnecting New chapter please
#20: March 16, 2020, 01:21:36 AM
I did mean to respond earlier than this to basically say that what I think you suggested Treasur, is a good idea.  I was thinking that because I had a problem with lyb going to the party, it would be up to me to let the host know. 

I did end up talking to H about it because his new roster showed that he conveniently had the whole weekend off  ::). I told him that I wasn't yet in a place where I could go to a party she was at.  He asked me if I was ok with him going and I told him that if he did it would really hurt and it would send a clear message to me.  He asked what that message would be and I said "that I am the only one dealing with the consequences of this". I also said that I hoped for his support whenever I feel strongly about something, regardless of whether he is the cause or not.  He nodded.  I think he would hope for the same from me.  I kept the conversation pretty short and stayed well away from any derogatory comments about her or anything that suggested that I thought he wanted to be with her again.  I did say that there would undoubtedly be some "monkey braining" for me if he went and I didn't and that I didn't think that was fair.

One thing I noticed during this conversation was how difficult it was to not drive my point home.  Instead, I shared my thoughts and left it there for H to process.  In the past, because of my discomfort, I think I may have goaded him into agreement and then been frustrated when I get lip service.  I have learned that H needs time to process and space to shine - which he did.

A week later he told me that he had spoken to his best friend and told him that we would not be going to the party.  He explained why and suggested that we catch up at an alternative time to celebrate.  He said that his friend understood.  I have since spoken to D20 who also works with the best friend and apparently he is very disappointed that we won't be there - not angry, just sad.  I was pretty surprised that H dealt with it so quickly because the RSVP is not until the end of this week and the party is at the end of the month.  I think he chose that time to deal with it because it became good news for me after a couple of really tough days.....

My job involves helping injured workers return to work and one of my guys committed suicide.  I had spoken to him the day before and he had told me that he could understand why people have.  This was a red flag conversation for sure and we organised for him to go and see his GP that afternoon with a work colleague so that he could ask for a mental health care plan and get some targeted support.  He did that, and by all accounts it went very well.  He was prescribed anti-depressants and rang his offsider later to tell him that he was on the straight and narrow.  The next day, he tried to gas himself in his car first before being found by his wife.  Later in the day, he hung himself in his backyard.  Most of the people at work did not see it coming and now feel responsible for not noticing.  It's hard to say that to me, it wasn't a surprise.  We really tried to help but it wasn't enough.  I don't feel responsible - just so very sad that on that particular day, that was his best idea  :'(

I didn't take it too well and D17 and D20 had to come to my work in one car to pick me and my car up.  I was scattered and shocked and at that stage, didn't know how he had passed - except that I did know.  Weirdly, I was just praying that it had been a car accident instead.  In the early hours of the next morning, I was woken by our security cameras alerting me to activity on our driveway.  I checked the cameras and saw that someone was in the yard.  I turned the lights on and went to the side door to ask who was there.  No one answered so I told them that they were being filmed and I had called the police.  I then heard the gate rattle as if someone was jumping over it.  I hadn't realised that there was more than 1 intruder and that they had been in the back yard as well.  We later worked out that they had been there for 15mins before I knew about it and had so far managed to cut through security chains and move S16's motorbike next to the roller door. 

I was truly a space cadet the next day.  I had lunch with 2 close friends and I had to deep breathe on my way down there just to stay focused on the roads.  After lunch I met H for a couple of hours before meeting up for a lovely dinner with Evermore.  It was then that H told me about the conversation with his best friend.  He did seem pleased with himself and I think it was something he felt he could do given that he felt so helpless about everything else that had transpired in the previous 24 hours (while he had been interstate).  I thanked him and told him that I really appreciated his support.

We have since spent the night with his best friend at his place and I apologised personally to best friend for missing the party.  He said he understood although he had added subtle pressure - possibly unintentional, while we were there.  Lyb will be there for the party despite her best friend side kick, that H has also taken for a ride on his Harley (earlier post,) going to a conflicting party.  She will actually be there all weekend which I find a bit odd. 

While we were at BF's house, he said that he thought we should just move back in together and save ourselves a lot of money.  Cue the awkward silence.  I am not sure if H has spoken to him about this and was feeling me out.  I don't think so though.  I am open to H moving back in because he spends most of his time here anyway.  He has recently stayed here twice when he's had an early start and his place is more than half way towards the airport.  I am happy to wait for H to initiate this because I think he will only do it when he feels ready.  We last spoke about this in early Jan and we were both happy with him holding onto his place for a bit longer then.  I think it might be providing a false sense of security though.  If we do part ways again, we would definitely be better off with the extra money that living at home now would give us.  Sometimes its not about the money though.  What I do know is that it works better for us when I let him take the lead.  We seem to be on the same page enough for neither one of us to get ahead of or left behind by the other.

In a possible forum first, Evermore and I realised that it would be quite possible for 2 forum members ow's to be at the same party - well not our ow's but you get the drift.  BF is known to Evermore's H and there's a small chance that her H and ow could be at the party that lyb will be at.  Not sure how I would handle it if I ever ran into her.  I think we all get quite protective of our brothers and sisters on the forum but would never want to do or say anything to their H's or W's (or associated AD's) that would make life uncomfortable for the LBS.  GRRRR though!!!  P.S Evermore, not sure if I have overstepped here so if you would prefer I edit this post to remove this part, let me know x.

It won't surprise anyone to know that Evermore is a really cool chick - smart, interesting and funny.  I just don't know what these MLCers are thinking  ;)
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« Last Edit: March 16, 2020, 01:26:34 AM by hopeandfaith »
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved home again March 2020
Moved out July 2017
Moved home March 2020
D21, D19 and S17

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New chapter please
#21: March 16, 2020, 03:14:58 AM
Well done, h&f, on changing your behaviour, communicating your boundary and letting your h deal with some of the mess he has created. Must feel good that both of you stepped up on that.

I am so sorry about the double whammy of the intruders and the guy who took his own life. Entirely understandable that you were thrown a bit for a little while, but it sounds as if you dealt with it really well.

Not at all surprised that Ever is a jewel....most LBS seem to be, even if we forget for a little while  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: New chapter please
#22: March 16, 2020, 05:10:07 AM
Hope, I'm really sorry about the man you were helping who committed suicide. Even though it's part of your job and you know it can happen, of course it's going to affect you, you are a kind, empathic person.

I'm also sorry about the burglary attempt. It's another violation, another incident to keep you on your toes. I had a burglary last year around this time, they came in while we were sleeping, and I tell you it just felt like I was getting attacked on all sides. Plus, the feeling of vulnerability for us women on our own.

I am following with interest this reconnection with your H. I'm very glad he cancelled the invitation to the party. It's the least he could do, and I'm glad he realized himself. Moving in together would save money, and how can we not think of these things, too. I like your way of letting him lead.

Interesting idea that a couple of OW could be at any party. Scary.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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New chapter please
#23: March 17, 2020, 05:59:39 PM
Ah Hope, you are so very kind. I am delighted to say 'right back atcha' because it was very lovely to meet you and find that you are indeed just as kind and thoughtful (etc!) as you come across on the forum. We definitely need to do it again soon (and we will get Notinlimbo to join us). Fine to mention the possible party meet up. I hope you're feeling more settled now after your sad/scary week last week. So glad your H is doing 'all the right things'. Talk soon. xxx
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M: 53 (48 @ BD), H: 55 (51 @ BD); Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 24 (19 @ BD), D: 22 (17 @ BD), 'Extra D': 22 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW - he (supposedly) met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her.
Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her (never happens).
May 22: Movement... (likely T&G? Time will tell I guess)
May 23: Yep, definitely a T&G last year. Still have contact but very minimal. He is a long way away from me these days. He doesn't seem particularly happy in his new life... but he's still there soooo....

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New chapter please
#24: March 18, 2020, 08:06:45 AM
Hope

I have been in your position - several times young people I have supported professionally have taken their own life despite my best efforts.

It is very difficult to accept that despite doing everything right, some people are beyond the help of other humans.

Last young person I lost just before Christmas was 18 when he decided that he could take no more of life.  My own friend ended his life at 48 years old on Christmas Eve 2019.  If you have not been in this position it is difficult to understand the guilt you feel, even when logically it is not your fault. 

It is terribly sad and demanding to be in these sorts of roles, but just remember Hope that you are there for a reason and try to remember the successes not just the sadness.

good luck with your journey

LW
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h
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New chapter please
#25: March 24, 2020, 04:29:28 AM
Thank you Little Wing.  I wish you strength in dealing with the sadness too - especially now with the extra challenging times.

Ever, Milly and Treasur - thank you for following along and sharing your support.

Some news - H is moving home this week, just shy of 3 years since he left.  COVID19 was certainly the trigger but it is something that we were both ready for.  I now think that H would have taken quite a bit longer before asking to come home.  I get the impression that he was waiting for me to invite him.  I initiated the conversation about "living arrangements" saying that I wanted to know how he felt about it.  He said he wanted to come home but the bigger question in his mind was how I felt about it.  I told him that I think we are recovering well but we are very much still in recovery.

Funnily enough, moving home to support the family and basically save ourselves about $9000 a year made it easier for him to not feel so guilty about coming home.  He is still struggling with the idea that he gets to do this.  Both our parents have now been told and they were both supportive.  H's roomies are also supportive so some of his fears were unfounded.  He did say again that he wondered what would have happened if he hadn't left that night 3 years ago.  This always makes me scratch my head. What did he think would happen?  Just goes to show how uncommitted he was to ow at the time and that there was perhaps a window in which it could have been turned around.  I believe in my soul that it would have been a temporary turn around because I think he would have remained unstable until he saw this through. 

I said that I thought ow would never have left him alone and that would have crucified any chance we had because it would have been soul destroying to me.  I did say that if a similar thing happened again where I saw early evidence of a woman flirting with him, my reaction would be swift, forceful, direct and possibly public.  There was a veiled warning in that to H.  You better make sure that you are clean if this happens again or you will be dragged down too.  I will not protect him in the future.  I am sick of feeling like I have just stepped aside for another woman to move in on my family and also believe that other woman will follow a code.  I have taken a long time to learn this is not the case so my 'polite' is broken and my 'protective' is reinforced.

This is definitely a bright part of this whole crazy mess.  I am nervous because he is going to be around so damn much.  His airline might be shutting down on April 6 so that puts H and D20's income in jeopardy.  My income is 1/5 of H's so this will be a big problem.  Fingers are definitely crossed and changes being made to try and lessen our monthly expenses. H is drinking quite a bit at the moment and that is gonna drive me crazy even if his income isn't lost.  If it is, he just won't be able to drink because we won't have the money.  My ALANON group experience is going to be really important now.  It shows me that I still have a lot of detaching to do even though we are reconnecting.

Wishing everyone peace, patience, love and good health x
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BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved home again March 2020
Moved out July 2017
Moved home March 2020
D21, D19 and S17

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Re: New chapter please
#26: March 24, 2020, 05:05:16 AM
Hope, a lot of tough challenges for you to navigate as your H moves home. I like your veiled warning.
Sending you strength.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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New chapter please
#27: March 24, 2020, 08:23:22 PM
This is lovely news in these crazy times. As we can't meet again in person for a while I will be following your story from here and cheering you on.

Thanks again for your support (means a lot). Hope I can repay the favour by sending good thoughts your way!
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M: 53 (48 @ BD), H: 55 (51 @ BD); Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 24 (19 @ BD), D: 22 (17 @ BD), 'Extra D': 22 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW - he (supposedly) met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her.
Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her (never happens).
May 22: Movement... (likely T&G? Time will tell I guess)
May 23: Yep, definitely a T&G last year. Still have contact but very minimal. He is a long way away from me these days. He doesn't seem particularly happy in his new life... but he's still there soooo....

h
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New chapter please
#28: April 14, 2020, 11:23:45 PM
3 year BD anniversary today.  Just taking a moment to remember the horror and give thanks for the different position I find myself in today.  Today, H’s almond crunching annoyed me.  So yeah, I need to remember to be grateful.

I am grateful that he is here so that I can get annoyed by him just like all the other normal people getting the $h!tes with their families during COVID.  For so long, all I wanted was the normal irritations.  There are so many songs with lyrics about this.

COVID has not made this transition home more difficult though.   We are far more blessed than some and we are trying to focus on the gift of the time together.  Fortunately, we all get along.  My heart bleeds for so many families for whom being forced together would be toxic.  Those with health issues already, so many scenarios and situations made harder by this.  It is one helluva life adjustment for many!!

H seems to err more on the side of being comforted by the safety of his family more than frustrated by the confines of the situation.  I don’t feel the slightest urge to escape coming from him which is pretty remarkable I guess.  I have also been annoyed by how many telemarketer phone calls he seems to get.  For such a long time, he had his phone on silent citing this as the reason.  He wasn’t wrong, it’s really annoying. 

I have really enjoyed the 2 times that he has gone to work from here and returned here afterwards.  That’s what makes it really feel like he is home.  That, and having to move out of so much wardrobe space to make room for him.

He seems to be doing fairly well given the worry I know he is feeling about his job.  The airline industry has taken a huge hit and while I think his company will come through it, his wage is being heavily affected.  We may actually have to be supported by our daughter and the wage support she is getting from the government.  That is not a good position to be in and it makes us feel terrible as this is money that would otherwise be going into her account as she tries to save for a house.  This really hits H hard.

H and D20 are getting particularly close though and that’s really cute to witness.  They were always pretty similar in their taste and habits and now they work for the same company, they have plenty to talk about.  She is a mini-him and she’s also a bad ass so its really nice to see them being buds.

I am still working and now working from home which is nice.  My office is set up in the bedroom so I start most days with H still in bed, having his coffee and reading the news etc.  I will miss that when we go back to work.    D18 has started seeing the idiot who caused her major depression last year after he promised radical change.  That lasted about a month but the grip is tight so she is not able to let go and is slipping badly again.  I just want my girl back.

I am struggling a little bit to find me time at the moment.  I built friendships while H was gone and I am maintaining them virtually at the moment.  That takes time.  The other day, I was on the phone all morning on a day that I had previously declared as a family day and H was low key irritated.  I emerged in my active wear which also irritated him because we have started dressing up for Sunday spit roasts (a new COVID tradition).  Little did he know that because my active wear is so expensive, I considered it a bit dressed up.  I then proceeded to turn down the music a bit and this also irritated him.  He mentioned something about that being typical of me and I bit back because that is something that hurt me for years.  Just because I don’t drink much, it doesn’t mean I don’t know how to have fun.  I walked away from him and he chased after me and apologised.  I don’t think he’ll do that again.

D20 gave a little bit of feedback the other day to basically tell me to try and relax a bit.  She said that she could understand why I would be guarded but she thinks her dad is doing quite well under the circumstances and she thinks he might be walking on eggshells around me a bit.  I will definitely take that on board and I can see what she means.  I will focus on really trying to trust myself and leave him be unless it REALLY affects me.  This is where I see that some of my old controlling habits try to sneak back in.

Not getting on the forum as much these days to I hope everyone is hanging in there.  Stay safe peeps x
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BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved home again March 2020
Moved out July 2017
Moved home March 2020
D21, D19 and S17

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Re: New chapter please
#29: April 15, 2020, 08:41:38 AM
Hope, no apologies needed.

You are reconciling with your hubby and family, we understand your time is taken up.
We'd think something was wrong if you were still here everyday.

Just enjoy and stop in once in awhile.

God bless!
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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