That lends to the FOO theory.

By and large, that's the answer. Although sometimes there is independent an psychological issue at play a well that wasn't predicated upon one's FOO and early childhood.

My advice is like so many others, if they want to leave, let them go. Focus on you and here's the kicker that I don't think gets enough merit on this forum, also focus on your own FOO issues.

Now granted, yes, many of these wayward spouses (both male and female) were people who showed up every day with a smile and had people believing they were mary poppins and mother theresa all rolled into one who suddenly exploded and if you're here now reading this, I'm sure you've awoken to the idea that wasn't the reality at all.

So while yes, it's possible that these people totally fooled us, I think it's quite more likely that our own FOO issues is what allowed us to be fooled in the first place by blinding us to red flags or by not giving us the guidance and experience to recognize what a red flag even is.

So yes, GAL, focus on you but also really focus on your own FOO and how they contributed to things. As others have said, you've got a lot of time to think and you should learn to use it constructively to envision what a healthy, functioning relationship looks like.

And if you ask me, it's two independent, self aware individuals who are responsible for meeting their own needs, emotionally, financially and otherwise, regulating their own behavior and also taking responsibility for their own actions, reactions and also inactions. And yes, you need all that attraction, fun and other things too and I'll tell you what, kindness and emotional availability are also very important.

It takes time and give yourself plenty of it and self love and kindness too, because it's a lot to unpack and I'll tell you what, do it sooner than later.

Objectively, stealing other people's medication and driving while drunk are signs of serious problems. The latter is extremely reckless not only with one's own life, but the lives of others who may end up in the path of a drunk driver. Anoi, he is responsible for this behaviour, no one else. That's what a court would decide if he did damage another through his reckless behaviour.

I completely understand that his brokenness causes you pain. About 6 months after my H abandoned me, he was back, sobbing uncontrollable that he was lonely (irony emoticon please). I comforted him then. My heart ached then. Then he went off and did more self serving things that hurt me. I now know I am not the person to comfort him, because I am too attached. It will only be damaging to me. IMO, me (once) thinking that I can be strong enough to absorb his pain, when he has caused me so much harm, it's a form of codependency. You can care about him but IMO you are not the person that should be comforting him. It's enabling him to carry on.

There's probably not a 'right' or 'wrong' exactly, in this situation, but accepting you can only control yourself and that you need to rebuild your own emotional strength first, are all positive moves.

So yesterday he stole my ativan, drank some gin and went to work, got completely wasted at work, had another talk with her and seeing how he is wasted that woman let him drive home by himself.... i have no good words for her, he could die, he could kill someone...
He cried in my arms for an hour or two before falling asleep.

What DO actually hold him responsible for?
And what does that look like in practice?

Bc from over here in the cheap seats as UM says, it seems not much, to the point of almost infantilising him.

Not saying this is an easy shift as anyone who has dealt with addiction in their family knows all too well, but surely he is responsible for what he steals, puts in his mouth, or when he turns the car engine on? Not you, not his EA. And the fact that he then got to come home and cry in the arms of his wife about his rejection by another woman, high on drugs he stole from you, expecting and seemingly receiving some comfort from you…. Can you see how inappropriate that is? And tbh how unconstructive it is bc he sidesteps both consequences (this time) and being held accountable for his own choices as an adult even by you. Bc you’re busy blaming some woman he has the hots for who said no thanks.

And meanwhile, while all this is going on, you’ve decided that dating is part of a healthy strategy for you. I struggle to see the wisdom in either.

All of us here have done things post BD that, with the wisdom of hindsight, were not our best moments, true enough. But I would encourage you to look at holding yourself and him more responsible for your own choices and how they set a direction based on what you are trying to achieve.
Bc frankly this sounds a bit bonkers, sorry.

Yep, you sure are...... HE is having the affair but it is YOUR fault because you are triggered easily?

1) His (assumed) Fantasy EA blew up in his face after he had enough liquid courage to confess his luuuuurrrrvvvvveeeee for her - NOT your circus, not your monkeys
2) She "let him drive home" - Let me ask you a question - if someone that you were NOT interested in at all, just showed up at your door and make a sloppy drunk love confession that you wanted NOTHING to do with, what would you have done? Invited him in for coffee? She slammed the door in his face. The only other thing she really could have (and probably should have) done is to call the police to report a drunk driver.
3) Your H has a MAJOR issue with alcohol and drug abuse whether it is admitted or not. You have taken steps by removing your prescription meds from his reach. that is about as much as you can do without emptying every bottle of booze in the house down the drain, in which case, he will likely just go by more and hide it.

As far as asking him to take time off from work, why is it YOUR responsibility that he calms down?


He needs to WANT to calm down to realize he needs to calm down and to take action himself to do so.....