[rosetintedglasses]

Welcome to your new thread Song.

So sorry about your house. Glad things are moving forward for you though and I think being on your own for a while will be pretty fine.

One thing we have proved as LBS’s is that ‘we can do hard things’.  Let us prop you up when you need it, we are all so proud of you. You have been gracious and dignified throughout.

Rose 🌹

[barbiedoll]

I am sorry Song that it all ends in a final separation after all this time.  You and I both had BD in 2013 and it is almost impossible to believe how long lasting the consequences of that BD stretch into the future. Eight years of struggle and no doubt you hoped for a different outcome. So did I . I wonder why some MLCers have this mysterious "awakening" ( so they say) and others seemingly do not.  That many of us might experience a whole "new man" after it is all said and done and others....not so much. I hope your new home turns out to be the best thing , all warm and cozy and safe . Its rather exciting in someway and at times I have had wonderful daydreams about being on my own free of drama and a MLCer.  I wish you nothing but peace, a content heart and a happy soul as you move forward. I just may find myself doing the same freedom venture in my own time. Its a start , not necessarily an ending.

[Standing Strong]

Hey S&D 

What big things...... I'd don't think it's odd at all (separating). I hope you don't have bad feelings about that.... you fought the good fight, right till the "end".
Thank you for being so open about it. I really hope that this new phase will be really good for you, and brings joy and peace.

-SS

[stillbaffled]

I've followed your threads since I arrived here in 2016.  Thank you for continuing to share your journey with us. 

Most of us understand how you must feel having to leave a home that you thought would be your forever home.   I hope you'll keep us updated on how things are going as you transition into this next phase.   

[Thunder]

Song I think understand how you feel.  I have not updated my thread in ages, but I think I can so relate to you.

After my H filed for divorce in 2013 (bd was 2011).  We never really stopped seeing each other, even though I moved out into my own place.  We still did everything together. I felt we were reconnecting, which we were.

We remained in a relationship for almost 7 years afterwards.
Until I realized it was not working for me.  Yes he was out of his crisis and never found an ow, however I saw changes in him.

I still saw some selfishness he never had before and still some depression.

I saw the house I loved and left in disarray.  His priorities had changed.
I finally had to leave, that was 3 years ago.  My XH was just not the same man I married.

I still have love for him, probably always will, but the relief I felt when I finally walked away was huge.  Like a weight had lifted off my shoulders.  I felt so much more at peace with my decision and I never looked back or regretted it.  He was just not my old H anymore.

You may or not feel the same way after you leave, but for me is was the best thing I could have done.  It just freed me up.

I still have no desire to be with someone else, but my life is really good.  Will I someday meet someone else?  Perhaps..only time will tell, but for now I am happy.

I can only wish that for you, Song.

[Songanddance]

Thank you Thunder.

Much of what you wrote resonated with me.

I still saw some selfishness he never had before and still some depression.

This is H. It has been hard to separate the post stroke depression from the MLC stuff.   

However he has started to spiral down physically too and it occurred to me that his mother had an underactive thyroid, our oldest D has an underactive thyroid - would it not be logical that the stroke along with his BP medication has exacerbated this in H.  It certainly explains his fatigue and lack of desire to do anything other than the JOB for several months before his stroke.

Blood test is set for today and if positive - this may be a good step forward for both of us.  Me in that I won't need to be his keeper and personal memory guide/taxi driver etc and him because he might begin to feel more normal once he receives the appropriate medication.

The house hunting is still going ahead - I pulled out of the last one - it just didn't feel right after a second viewing. It is said that the first viewing is with the heart, the second is with the wallet.

Anyway - chugging along and hoping that the sad, miserable and tearful H I am currently dealing with might have some of those issues resolved medically soon. It is draining my personal resources and my energies.

[Songanddance]

UPdate - still no house but the hunt continues.
We are looking to moving out of current property in 3 months and so I fear I may end up homeless unless I can find somewhere very soon. The last thing I want is to have to move in with H - that would be a backward step no matter how temporary.....

H's blood test that was done through the GP showed no need for further thyroid tests even though the GP agreed he was showing all of the symptoms of hypothryoidism.   So we have gone private and waiting for those results now.

H fluctuating between serious depression and mild - his self talk is appallingly negative and I have got to the point where I have lost compassion and told him that every time he says "how stupid or idiotic he is (or worse language) I will ignore him.

I am finding myself drained of energy and compassion and he has become incredibly clingy and angry too. 

On a plus note - work for me is going well and I am gaining new clients and pupils as well as having wonderful times with my adorable GD.  So rough with the smooth I guess.

[MadLuv]

Good luck with your house hunting. Sounds like you are moving forward with power and conviction. House hunting can be fun, specially when you find the right fit. I am fluctuating on making a move for a fresh start, but love the house I am in as well. It’s a difficult move, but I think a new place and fresh start once the decision is made can bring new life and hope. Thanks for continuing to share your journey

[MadLuv]

Songanddance just checking in. Did you find a home? How are things going for you?

[Songanddance]

Hello all.
Prompted by Tornup's question I thought I would update you.

Just before Christmas I found a house that whilst not perfect or the home I had in my head - it is more than satisfactory. It has the space I was looking for - garden not so much sadly but it is near to my grand-daughter and near to my places of work so that makes life a lot easier.  It is also considerably cheaper to run (on paper anyway) and it is somewhere that doesn't need to have a lot if any work on it to make it liveable - it just needs tweaking to suit me.

S will be moving in with me before he moves down to the outskirts of a major city where he has greater access to the music scene and will be living with fellow musicians.

I have paid a fast track fee to the solicitors to get completion by the time we are to move out of here and since 1st January been absolutely blitzing the house of all the most unbelievable junk we have held onto over the last 35 years together as well as from our own pasts.
The aim was to clear all external storage such as sheds, loft, garage etc by end of Jan and then spend one week packing up the inner stuff such as ornaments etc..... as we hope to move jsut before the end of Feb.

So all systems go.

H - he is getting "better" in that at last he has found Anti depressant medication that has no side effects for him. He is meditating a lot - in fact he's at that stage that I went through with my post BD depression where meditation and positive mental attitude podcasts are almost addictive.  He has become much more helpful but I fear that owing to the severity of his stroke there is some long lasting possibly permanent brain damage. His short term memory is poor. He is physically quite weak - couldn't carry boxes in two hands that previously he would have managed with one hand.

We have talked - a lot. He has said that he will miss me. He still wants to be on his own and his business assistant who is most definitely an EA now, features heavily in his thinking.

I will miss him. I will worry about him because he seems helpless at times but then I have to tell myself that I contributed to that learned helplessness of his.  I fixed and fed and sorted things over the last 35 years. The EA does exactly the same - so I doubt he is ever going to learn to change his patterns of behaviour.

It will be incredibly hard to leave this house. It was intended to be our forever home and I clung onto that for the last 9 years since BD. In fact I have cried a little every night when I think about no longer living here. We were unbelievably lucky to get this house in the first place; it is one of those properties that when friends visit they are envious and call this a dream place.

Yes it is and it's now going to a young wealthy couple who have ambitious plans. Ironically some of their plans are identical to the ones H and I had when we first moved in but we didn't have the capital and then H moved into denial stage of MLC buying all the toys, cars and gadgets with the money that could have gone towards developing the house and then BD hit and since then money, effort, enthusiasm and our marriage dwindled away.

H and I have fully reconnected - we get on really well now -even better than we did when we first met. I am more honest and more direct than I used to be. I am still a minor fixer and conflict avoider but no where near the level I used to be. This is because I have learned to step back, evaluate what I could do at any given moment and move in and fix where and when appropriate. If I want to call something or someone out - I will but yet again that's because I choose when to do so.

Life will be very different and not how I imagined it would be as I hit a birthday milestone this year. I had envisaged something so different as we all had.
I will be on my own and I am ok with that. I have no intentions of seeing or dating. I need the next couple of years for me. I do not intend to divorce H and he feels the same. We have agreed to see each other once a week especially when I'm looking after grand-daughter so that he gets to see her too as his house is some distance away.

So a separation agreement is being drawn up as we divide the furniture etc and it still seems surreal and real at the same time.

This is not how I had hoped my threads would work towards but it is important for any newbies to understand that reconciliations are not guaranteed but  you can still have a happy ending.  Just allow yourself time.