[UrsaMajor]

Is afraid that he ruined our marriage to the point of no return, i said he didn't, he said he will try to trust me on that, but not sure he will be able all the time.

Now it's up to YOU to reassure him that you'll still take him back no matter what, without any wavering or "he can't trust YOU". It's a no-win. We've all been there.

Seriously...... He chooses to throw a grenade into your marriage and he can't trust YOU that you've forgiven him?


He's the one that has the work of proving to do.... Proof that HE has done the work he needs to do in order to get his head out of his ...... fog.....   Proving that HE is willing to DO the work to pull the marriage back from the point of no return....

Instead he puts ALL the onus on you... Well, last time I looked YOU were NOT the one that blew up the marriage, right?

More of the same MLC

[Anoi]

Your psychiatrist is a good one. Space from this emotional dumping he's doing on you will help you stabilize.

Yesterday in the evening i went to the movies alone. For the first time in many years. And i think for the first time since it all happened i actually had a glimps of who i am out of this situation, the promise of the future strength, happiness and ability to live with or without him. I know time without him will start my healing process and i am not preventing it.
Yes i am very sad to leave My home, the country that i lived in for 7 years and got comfortable in. But it's me who needs time even more than him, he is the poison and now i see it very clear.

He's saying what many of us heard at the time our spouses were weighing their options. He's going to try to keep you on those eggshells by saying things like

Oh yeah, he is deeply afraid of loosing "this game" and ending up alone. So he continues his EA in fantasy hopes that She will see that he is better than her husband and at the same time understanding somewhere deep inside that it will not happened. But the drug of emotions from being in love with her and it's probably only around her, right now, that he feels something positive, is too strong and too pleasant to wake up and see what it is doing to everyone including him.
But he tries his best to give me hope, so that option number 2 is available. It's disgusting standard game, that i know too well. As for now i have no idea what to do with my life and where to do it, i play along.
As it's his first marriage and my 3d (first official) he plays checkers with a chess player and he is too proud of himself to notice it.

Now it's up to YOU to reassure him that you'll still take him back no matter what, without any wavering or "he can't trust YOU". It's a no-win. We've all been there.

I still wear my ring, i still am around being nice, i still am very reassuring. But i don't plan to be begging him to return home as soon as i am out, he will have his doubts when i am away and will at least show that i am doing better to the point of great. He already sees that i am regaining my independence and strength, which makes him nervous a bit, cause he is loosing control of his plan B, well it's his problem, not mine.

You might also research "Complicated Grief". I found it described my initially few years perfectly.

Thank you i will. Though the time frame of years doesn't suit me at all. I know MLC takes time and patience, but i have my life to live and one thing i know about myself is that i pretty much can't be alone, it's important to me to have relationship and if he will not be able to give me that, i will find a person who can. I don't see why should i suffer years of loneliness just to get back the person he is or was before. There are many ppl in this world worth of loving and looking for it. It's up to him, to not be too late with his decisions, not me.
Out of love and respect for him i give him time. But he has no hope for years, i am not that kind of LBS, unfortunately for him.

[Anoi]

Wise words from Ready.
It’s a simple (if uncomfortable) truth I think that the person who is hurting us can’t heal us and that it isn’t our job to soothe them while they hurt us.

That is so true, but i guess for me it's important to be the kind person i am and to give comfort to the person that i love, no metter what. As i mentioned in my previous post my love and kindness has an expiration date, but as long as i am here for now and 5 months of our separation didn't pass i will continue to treat him the way i treat a person that i love. After that, sorry ,not sorry.
I really want to distance myself from him, to heal, to regain myself, to become better, not for him, for me. And i will have a good support system in all of that, which makes me hopeful for my future.

[Anoi]

Seriously...... He chooses to throw a grenade into your marriage and he can't trust YOU that

He's the one that has the work of proving to do.... Proof that HE has done the work he needs to do in order to get his head out of his ...... fog.....   Proving that HE is willing to DO the work to pull the marriage back from the point of no return....

Instead he puts ALL the onus on you... Well, last time I looked YOU were NOT the one that blew up the marriage, right?

You are so right, but i am such a softy i will probably take him anyway as long as he is willing to be with me...pathetic.. Or will i? will see.
But you are right. Let's hope i'll do better than him.

More of the same MLC

Haha, you are so right. You made me smile, thank you! It's such a gift this days:)
When he told me that i am exaggerating my grief for his suffering and actually he had worse times and is doing relatively sad but ok, i wanted to hit him with something heavy... but prison is not my way out of this:) first he cries how he is pathetic and wants to be invisible and then he is doing ok? Yeah, MLC blahblahblah.

[Anoi]

Today in the morning i woke up from the dream in which i was 50 yo. And i started wondering do i actually want to be with this person when i am 50? Do i want to spend another 13 years with someone who is full of grief and hate for this world and for himself?
Not that sure... Maybe i start to have an MLC too?
This marriage starts to look really ruined with those thoughts in my head.
I guess it's finally moving somewhere, my head i mean. It's better than staying frozen and terrified and hurt all the time in hopeless hope to be better so that i am not thrown away...

Is it normal that i hope he will do worse without me?
When we met he was in a pretty bad place physically and mentally, i dragged him out of that pit and made his life pretty comfortable and nice, to the point that he realizes it even in his MLC and is very grateful for it.
But instead of hoping that i will come back after separation to the strong and healthy person, i hope that he will just slide back to his "natural" self.
So i can come in the shiny armor and save him from his misery again... Yeah i guess it's not healthy and it's still the hope for reconciliation that speaks in me.
Will see i guess, maybe it's me who will be a total wreck and some knight in shiny armor will have to save me...

[Treasur]

Well, you will do you the best way you see fit, as we all do. And change if you believe you need to.

As it's his first marriage and my 3d (first official) he plays checkers with a chess player and he is too proud of himself to notice it…

Bit confused….whats a ‘not official’ marriage, or two, mean?

…and one thing i know about myself is that i pretty much can't be alone

Imho there’s a difference between can’t and won’t or don’t want to in real life.
I wonder if you might find this a useful time to unpick your thoughts on this with a good IC or see it as a time to experiment with what it looks like?
Bc, as someone older, life so far has taught me that sometimes life circumstances do leave each of us alone and it’s perhaps useful to find our own version of that before we are forced to do so. After all, the only common denominator in your life is you, right, whatever else happens?

[UrsaMajor]

When we met he was in a pretty bad place physically and mentally, i dragged him out of that pit and made his life pretty comfortable and nice, to the point that he realizes it even in his MLC and is very grateful for it.
But instead of hoping that i will come back after separation to the strong and healthy person, i hope that he will just slide back to his "natural" self.
So i can come in the shiny armor and save him from his misery again... Yeah i guess it's not healthy and it's still the hope for reconciliation that speaks in me.
Will see i guess, maybe it's me who will be a total wreck and some knight in shiny armor will have to save me...

We LBS's do tend to be "fixers" and "rescuers" but, in this case, there is nothing you can "fix" and no one that actually WANTS to be "rescued." Quite the opposite. We are demonized for trying to "rescue" them as they consider it to be controlling....  He has to decide if HE wants to climb up out of his misery and get his poop in one sock or if he prefers to wallow in the dark, dank pit of despair and "woe is me"-dom.....

[Dragonfly33]

We LBS's do tend to be "fixers" and "rescuers" but, in this case, there is nothing you can "fix" and no one that actually WANTS to be "rescued." Quite the opposite. We are demonized for trying to "rescue" them as they consider it to be controlling.... 

I still can't believe up to now how these MLCers or let's say where they got this common script of accusing their spouses of being "CONTROLLING." This was exactly what my former h accused me of. I was controlling and he wanted freedom, which catapulted me into doing all sorts of bending forward, backward or sideways to prove to him that I wasn't controlling. 🤣 I didn't realize at that time that he was doing it so I don't snoop about his affair. When I found out about the OW, I was still blamed for being controlling and I was the one feeling guilty. How amazing is that. He was the one who was angry at me because I was snooping and controlling that's why he had to hide the other woman and had to keep their "friendship" a big SECRET. In hindsight, I should have dropped the rope earlier. I could have lessen the damage.

[Anoi]

Well, you will do you the best way you see fit, as we all do. And change if you believe you need to.

As it's his first marriage and my 3d (first official) he plays checkers with a chess player and he is too proud of himself to notice it…

Bit confused….whats a ‘not official’ marriage, or two, mean?

Before i'v been in the long-term relationships without getting it to official state. 4 years and 10 years. I left both times.

Imho there’s a difference between can’t and won’t or don’t want to in real life

I guess it's a bit of all three. I was raised by single mom, so i really really don't want to end up like her i guess, she was fine being single and i crave for that warm hug in the morning and spooning on the couch in the evening while watching something and.. all the other awesome things that being with someone brings. But part of it, after all those years being all the time with someone it is ofc pathological and i have serious problem that i need to work on.

[Anoi]

We LBS's do tend to be "fixers" and "rescuers" but, in this case, there is nothing you can "fix" and no one that actually WANTS to be "rescued." Quite the opposite. We are demonized for trying to "rescue" them as they consider it to be controlling.... 

Well i need to be saved and fixed. It's a shame i am not His damsel in distress, i guess i will have to be my shiny knight:)
He tried that shhhh with "controlling", but it's very hard, cause i am actually not, he had all his freedom to do whatever and still has it now, so it didn't fly and i reminded him his wonderful speech about me being insecure when he didn't come home till 3 am and that out of a sudden i became controlling. He agreed he was wrong.
All i ever asked of him is to give a sign that he is alive if he goes back home late, which is reasonable even by his f**d up standards.
It's now that he actually started to write to me more often when he plans to come home etc... i guess guilt pushes to be a good boy pfff...