[Jess]

This is my first time posting. I have trawled this website for the past year which has gotten me through the darkest and most depleted moments of my life. So thank you! Thank you for your posts, the advice given and the many raw and candid stories shared. Finding a place where I have found so many similar stories and identical actions has validated my feelings so much. In saying that, trying to find people in my physical world that understand and know about MLC has been impossible. At times people have appeared frustrated, thinking I am justifying his behaviour, making excuses etc...

I had been with my husband for 22 years, married 12 with two young children at the time of BD, d:5 and s:8. On mother's day 2022 he came to me with the token script and the brutal delivery that he had developed feelings for his boss (a girl I had known and gone to primary and secondary school with - he too went to secondary school with her as he was the year older however he didn't have anything to do with her throughout school). There was nothing I could do, everything we were, our family, our home, extended family and friends it was all worth nothing. He wouldn't try a thing to help salvage our marriage (a marriage that I thought was my version of perfect). He called the marriage off days after she called her marriage off (She was married and also has two children).

From there he became a version of him that I never knew, absolutely awful, just so so mean. He said the most hurtful things, started going on dates in front of me with her and had absolutely no regard for me and the kids. He insisted he wasn't leaving for her however he was in a relationship with her instantly. I asked him to leave the family home as I wasn't coping at all. Trying to parent and deal with the turmoil was horrendous. Within a couple of months he was living in a rental with her and her 2 kids, 40 minutes away from our family home.

 At first when our kids spent the weekend with him, her and her kids vacated and he pretended in front of our kids that he was living alone until the weekend of my son's birthday, he told our kids that he had a girlfriend and they will meet when they are ready. Boxing Day they were then forced to meet as it was 'inconvenient for her and her kids to vacate the house when my children went there' - the meet and greet was let's introduce each other and all start living in the same house. When he messaged me to tell me they would meet, I messaged telling him my concerns and listed all the things the kids had been working through, asking about, crying about etc... he told me I was a liar, manipulator and disregarded everything I had said. Since then I have had minimal contact with him and have focussed on staying in my lane and avoiding any unnecessary contact with him - it creates intense anxiety in me. He has 'checked out' on the kids and in his words "meets his obligations" by having them on fortnightly weekends and one night through the week.

He engaged a lawyer at the end of last year and we are having legal mediation at the end of July '23 to financially settle. Unfortunately, with everything I have gone through I can't stand. I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined getting a divorce however I know I can't stand by on the sidelines. I need to reconnect with myself and find me again and move forward with the kids. They are my world!

So this all brings me to now... I am hopeful once settlement takes place life can start to feel less turbulent, however I would love to hear from anyone with advice on how to manage the mental wonderings- where my head goes into self-blame, questioning what I did to make this happen, feeling like I failed in a marriage and failed my kids. Whilst he can tick the box of all the token MLC words and behaviours, BD, having the alienator, monstering, dressing young, distancing himself from the kids, his family and our friends etc and I have done the quiz over and over with it confirming he is in a MLC I find I still catch myself constantly getting caught in what if... how? why? self-blame and I get stuck again. It seems like I struggle with accepting what he is going through and making sense of life. Unpacking what I thought would be our future and now making sense of my new life. Accepting and understanding that what we were, meant absolutely nothing to him yet even through all this hurt and destruction I still miss him and our family.

In addition, the brain fog my goodness its terrible and the lack of feeling present. I just can't wait for the feeling that I'm standing and being my own lighthouse - at this point I'm out in the ocean bopping around waiting for the next wave of disregard, hurt, crazy behaviour to take me out again. I would appreciate any tips and strategies to help me move forward.

Thank you!!

[Evermore]

Hi Jess.

I'm so sorry you've had to find yourself here. But I'm glad you did as this is a place where you will find others that know what you are going through. My story is quite similar to yours (my H of 20 odd years also BD'd and moved in very quickly with the OW). I completely understand the brain fog you describe. I was that way for at least 14 months before it started to clear a little. Others that haven't gone through it can't know what that swirling crazy out-of-control feeling is like.

It was a slow journey after the fog lifted a little, but, as other will tell you here, just hang on and it will get better in time. You will never feel again as bad as you do now. It will be slow, but if you aim for just very small moments of better, and live each hour at a time, then each day, you will be able to look back and realise that you have progressed. You need to focus on very small moments of peace (taking a warm bath, looking at clouds, watching your children sleep). Manufacture them for yourself. String them all together (like little pearls on a chain) so you can get through your days. It WILL get better.

Others will be along to welcome you and give you advice on protecting yourself (your health and your finances) soon. Keep posting. There is always someone here to listen and offer comfort.   

[Treasur]

First of all, I want to say well done. Why? Bc a couple of things you said in your post showed me a bit of who you are underneath the current turmoil. You have courage…it takes courage to share your story with a bunch of virtual strangers. You are smart…bc it is smart to limit unnecessary contact with anyone who is disrespectful or abusive towards us. You have a strong underlying core of self-worth….bc you want to be your own lighthouse and bc, once it was clear his living at home was profoundly damaging, you asked him to leave. You have some inherent optimism and grit….bc you are, even in these relatively early stages, looking forward in the hope of better days while doing what you need to do to navigate what probably feels like an overflowing buffet of s$it sandwiches as a woman and as a parent. (I’d guess, if I was a betting woman, that you either come from a pretty healthy family background or you have done a ton of work to recover from any early FOO damage!)

Why do I say all of this? Bc right now it may feel quite hard to see the reality of your own wood from the bats$it crazy forest. And it’s important that you keep reminding yourself of that. Or let those of us who have been in your shoes remind you of it for a little while until you get back on your normal feet and back into shoes that feel more like your own. And I have no doubt at all that you will….but we know the path to that is a hard and confusing one.

Imho - and responding to your main question about the brain fog and monkey-braining - recovery from any big life upending experience is built on getting as honest and reality-based as one can be with oneself. But with an internal voice that is as kind and gentle and patient as one would want to be with a best friend you treasure.

The reality is that a year ago you got hit by the life equivalent of a truck. Not a little cute off-road hobby truck, but one of those huge long haul trucks that fills the road. And it came round a corner from nowhere while you were just out for a normal sunny stroll. The whys and wherefores and fine details and other peoples’ opinions or intentions do not change the life reality that you got mowed down by a huge truck out of the blue. And it was driven by someone you had loved and trusted for years. So, a double whammy. And the effects of being mowed down by the truck have probably got some ripple effects on almost every part of your day to day life, and particularly the things and people you treasure most. And some of them are irrecoverably life-altering….you are simply not in Kansas anymore as the saying goes. That sounds like a quadruple whammy to me.  At least 

Why do I say this? Bc - unless you were an idiot, and you are obviously far from that lol - anyone would see that as a traumatic experience. And if you accept that, it is reasonable to accept that some of your current ‘mental wonderings’ might be much less about you as a person and much more about the pretty common mechanics of how our brains respond to trauma. I don’t know if you know much about trauma but if not, I’d encourage you to learn a little more about it. I don’t know if you are currently seeing an IC, but if you are open to it, I would encourage you to find one who understands how trauma affects us mentally and physically.

Why? Bc imho the way through is based on understanding where we are and the door out is often a version of the door in, if that makes sense. So, as an example, those exhausting mental what ifs/why’s? Not a reflection of your character or a failing on your part…simply a normal reaction by your poor little amygdala to try to figure out if things are a tiger or a striped rug bc it is designed to look for patterns in order to keep you safe. It’s doing its job…but unfortunately it doesn’t understand all the stuff your front brain does so it keeps looping round and round. So some bit of you feels stuck bc, in reality, a bit of your brain IS stuck…like a scratch on an old-style LP if you are old enough to remember those lol. The way in=way out ‘solution’? Doing more of what sends a message to your amygdala that you are safe and that it can trust you to avoid tigers.

The feeling of depletion or brain fog? When your fight/flight/freeze system is activated, your system automatically does a bit of shuffling and prioritisation - again bc it is focused on your safety and survival - so it produces more of some hormones like cortisol and adrenalin, it increases blood supply to some areas of your body and decreases it in others, it turns up the power on some bits of your brain and reduces others. These are kind of mechanical things if you like…they happen without your conscious volition….but you experience the physical and mental effects of them. Hence the brain fog feeling, problems with short-term memory retrieval, or things like digestive problems or indeed that feeling of overwhelming exhaustion (bc all that safeguarding work uses quite a lot of system energy). The way in=way out ‘solution’? Learning to observe and befriend your body and nervous system and, with trial and error and experimentation, learn to notice how yours works (bc it is a personal thing and different things work for different people….although usually tbh it is a physical thing more than an intellectual one…..breathing, moving, sleep etc) and how to tame it a little. Like moving it in a kind respectful way - bc it is doing its job with good intent, it just is operating on partial information that stops it always being useful - from the front seat to the back seat in the car so your front brain can be in charge of the driving if that makes sense.

If this is unfamiliar ground for you, and it probably is as it is for most of us, this is hard work to do solo….it can feel a bit like fighting with your own brain rather than befriending it lol…which is why finding someone else who understands things you don’t and is not in the middle of it as a working partner can be really helpful. Might be an IC, might be a coach, might be a somatic therapist who uses something like yoga or meditation or some other physically-based practice. Whatever works for you.

Plus, I think, the big inherent message is the need to absolutely prioritise your own wellbeing and recovery at least for a little while. That does not come naturally to most of us, and most mothers particularly - even in normal circumstances - tussle with it. But using the truck analogy…it’s simply accepting that there are stages to the recovery process that require investment. From the triage stage in the ambulance to the priorities in ER to the stabilising care in a ward to the rebuilding exercises of long-term physio.  I don’t know where you think you are metaphorically in that process…
It does sound as if you were strong enough to have done some of the emergency triage all by yourself….but, as I hope you can see, different stages focus on different things and they require energy even if they all are focused on the same ultimate goal.

Feel free to PM me if you would find some more specific tips/tricks helpful. Or ask questions here bc there are quite a lot of us who have had to reformat our own internal hard drives from the effects of anxiety, PTSD, grief or depression. We get it.

And please don’t feel less than or nutso…..one of the greatest gifts of this forum imho is that it is full of folks who have stumbled along in your shoes, who have felt what you feel and got stuck in exactly the kind of place where you might feel stuck, asked themselves the same questions. We all find our own ways to make a path through those dark woods….but I can promise you that there is not a single aspect of your own struggle that at least some folks here have not shared at one time or another.

[Baxter1]

I too am a newbie, like me and everyone else here I’m sure you never thought your life would end up like this. First off Mother’s Day? He couldn’t t have waited a week or two two you could enjoy your day? I too struggle with the what ifs ‘if only I hugged her more or got more flowers this wouldn’t have happened’ it’s my understanding that this has nothing at all to do with the LBS, it’s all inside them.
This is a great place with great people who know what we’re going through. I’m in therapy now and my therapist is great but this site is even better, you can vent, bounce ideas off people who understand.
Good luck in your journey

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I changed the thread to a personal story and added a few breaks to make it easier to read. Posting is different and on my first post, I even added my real name and couldn't get it off. I also changed it to your story because this is a chronicle of your story.

I am not quite the writer treasur is and she is quite the gem. I hope that you can read and reread her comments.

You need to focus on very small moments of peace (taking a warm bath, looking at clouds, watching your children sleep). Manufacture them for yourself. String them all together (like little pearls on a chain) so you can get through your days. It WILL get better.

These are the first steps to detaching from his crisis. It is hard in the first months to grasp everything as it happens so quickly. You are thing everything is going fine and then you realize the bridge you have driven over for the past twenty years is gone and you didn't even get the chance to hit the brakes.

Now you are hurt and trying to help others as well. Focus on your care so you are in a stronger position to help your children. Eat, rest, and a little exercise can help you recover from the trauma of what just happened to you. This will enable you to respond to your MLCer rather than react.

he told me I was a liar, manipulator and disregarded everything I had said. Since then I have had minimal contact with him and have focussed on staying in my lane and avoiding any unnecessary contact with him - it creates intense anxiety in me.

You have already set a healthy boundary for yourself. Boundaries are not to punish or manipulate the MLCer, they are to protect you and your sanity. By limiting contact, you are limited his abuse which is something you didn't earn and don't deserve.

He engaged a lawyer at the end of last year and we are having legal mediation at the end of July '23 to financially settle.

Do you have legal representation? You want to be prepared for this as you are fighting for you and your kids. I know this is a terrible time and divorce really stinks. But I hope that you focus on obtaining what you need to support yourself and your children. They are young and this is all just as confusing to them as it is to you. As the only adult in the room, you need to be strong and assertive with the divorce process.

I’m in therapy now and my therapist is great but this site is even better, you can vent, bounce ideas off people who understand.
Good luck in your journey

I thought that was a great way to end my post. I found therapy very useful and this forum is a true gem. I hope you have an amazing day and be good to yourself and your babies,

(((Ready)))

[MadLuv]

You are getting a lot of insight, so not much to add. The dreaded time is what makes things calm down and clear our own heads of the trauma and mind F***kery of it all. When you can stop romanticizing their new relationship and see that it is not what they even think it is, that is a huge leap in healing for the LBS. I also noticed after time that I actually had some rose colored glasses on and my H was not the perfect amazing man I thought he was( obviously not due to MLC, but even without) I also had to look at my shortcomings and I also was not perfect. Far from it, but I was always willing to work on myself and have those tough conversations and an avoidant isnt and that is where most issues arise. 

So, take the time to clear your head and work on anything you want to improve on yourself. I also apologized to my XH for my shortcomings, but I also told him that those were all things he could have pointed out and I could have adjusted. That is marriage. Two people coming together. Raised differently. Learning each other. Communicating what we can live with and what we cant. You dont stock pile grievances and then cheat and justify by those unspoken grievances. They leave emotionally immature and that what you are dealing with now. Just remember no matter what faults you had in the marriage you did not cause this.

[zartheit]

It may not feel like it but you sound like you are handling this incredibly well. Respect for managing this weight how you have been.

I would love to hear from anyone with advice on how to manage the mental wonderings- where my head goes into self-blame, questioning what I did to make this happen, feeling like I failed in a marriage and failed my kids.

I was (and still kinda am) a master ruminator. I was able to see all of my faults and mistakes so clearly and then I could use that clarity to give myself a skewed sense of understanding about why she left me. I needed that certainty badly and she refused to give me anything. The thing is, it takes two people to make a relationship work and she was keeping a lot of information from me. When she decided to leave, there was no room to address any issues; she was done. I was setup to fail. I have taken ownership of the errors I am aware of, but she has not. It looks to me that your husband has done something similar. Instead of airing his grievances he stockpiled them and now has quite the collection to gaze upon whenever he needs to justify his actions. I'm not going to say you were perfect in your relationship but it doesn't sound like you are shirking responsibility.

I felt like a failure for quite a long time. I don't remember when that feeling left me, though it does pop up sometimes. I don't have anything comforting thoughts there. I believe my current understanding developed over a long period of time of just putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually I was able to prove to myself that I have been doing everything in my power and there's nothing I can do if my partner refuses to play, as heartbreaking as that is. I personally was only able to "see" a thought like that with a lot of distance. It took me way more time than I wanted.

[WHY]

Jess Im so sorry you're going through this.  We can feel your pain. 

You've definitely come to the right place.  I cant tell you enough how much I can relate to your comments about the people around you not understanding MLC.  It's exhausting to try and explain it to people.  And the people closest to you, probably still dont get it, when they are the ones that should!

Thats why coming here will be so important to your future healing.  I encourage you to post whatever comes to mind, so you can find the help and support you need.

The one thing I can maybe help with here, is that over time, I realized that there is a process for a healing LBS, just like all the stages of a MLCer.  We go through our own journey.  And the point of LBS acceptance phase is where you will find your peace.

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to go through this journey at your own pace.  You will get there when you get there.  But it is comforting to know that while you probably feel nauseous today and find it hard to get out of bed.  That someday you will find your peace and dare I say it, be happy again.  "This too shall pass".

[WHY]

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8078.0

1. Shock: "What the hell just happened?"

2. Denial: "This is so not happening."

3. Isolation: "I just want to sit in this all by myself."

4. Anger: "I hate you for breaking my heart!"

5. Bargaining: "What will it take to get him/her back?"

6. Depression: "I will never get over him/her."

7. Acceptance: "I understand why I was with him/her, why I'm not now, and that I will be better than just OK."

I can speak a little about part 6.  I was in there a while back.  We all cycle so I know I'll be back there at some point.

To me if felt as if the happy highs I knew I was supposed to be happy about, didnt make me that happy.  However, the sad lows also never made me that sad either.  It was a feeling of numbness.  Nothing really mattered what was going on around me.  I was in this narrow band of emotion and didnt care either way.  It felt pretty safe actually, being less emotional about things.   

There's was also a feeling of "whats the point", "why do any of this", "why bother, it'll never be the same again", "I'll never feel happy again" etc.

But as I said, this "too shall pass", and what came after was a breath of fresh air.  And I think this was acceptance where I finally reached that feeling of "letting go".  There are days now where I experience genuine joy

Although as a said, cycling is a big part of it.  And you'll move back in forth.  I guess the point Im trying to make is there is light at the end of the tunnel, and when you get that numbness, whats the point of anything feeling, you're closer to the end than the beginning. 

Edit: oh and you wrote:
"however I would love to hear from anyone with advice on how to manage the mental wonderings- where my head goes into self-blame, questioning what I did to make this happen, feeling like I failed in a marriage and failed my kids"

This is bargaining I think.  Be kind to yourself.  Give the LBS healing process the time it needs. 

[Jess]

Wow! What comforting, thoughtful and incredible messages to wake up to and read. Thank you! (I am in Australia so there is a big-time difference between many of us).
I think to be honest I have 100% underestimated the effects the trauma has had on me and whilst I have progressed and seen out some physical PTSD changes (lost my voice for 5 months following BD, shaking and trembling, facial twitches, insomnia) I need to as many say, be kind and give myself time to help myself mentally and emotionally. The waves, aren't they insane!

I am now in the process of trying to deal with my adrenalin. Thank-you Treasure, yes I have started seeing a trauma therapist- and she has advised seeing exercise as a form of medication. She explained that the only way to reduce my adrenalin levels is to sweat it out, so she gave me the goal to have at least 3x 10 minute sessions a day of exercise or at least 1 block of time. I tried early on to take medication however it left me too spaced out and I prefer the idea of meditation, exercise and even just putting music on to change the energy around me. She explained how in the flight/fight/freeze... your body excretes the adrenaline so after so long dealing with these moments your body has excess adrenalin pumping around and leaves us feeling 'on edge' and the smallest of noises, movements frighten the crap out of me. Hopefully that tip, may help others.

Baxter1, yep you're right he couldn't have picked a more cruel day to deliver the blow. All without any true sense of care and understanding. The kids and I now call it 'The Three Amigos Day' and this year I spent the day at a zoo with them. I wanted the day to not resemble anything I would normally do on Mother's Day.

Readytofixmyselffirst - thankyou I appreciate your help -I am definitely not across how to post etc.
Yes, I have a family lawyer who has been brilliant. We are now in the process of finalising everything for legal mediation. Once the lawyers were engaged it has been in some ways better because I'm not hearing as often from my ex and his crazy threats like 'I can charge you rent for living in that house' even though I have been left to pay the entire mortgage and all private school fees, meanwhile I earn half of what he earns.
In saying that the, LIES! Oh my goodness what happens to these people, a guy that I thought was so level-headed and so honest... it blows my mind. You really need to remove applying any logic to them, don't you. It all just doesn't make sense. When I hear him talk to the kids on the phone, he seems so spaced out and distracted. He even speaks differently at times; he is either totally disinterested and can have breaks in the conversation with silence upwards of 30 seconds or he asks questions and talks fast and erratic. Very strange!

Treasure, thank you for your tips on being present - I will DEFINITELY take those on board. You have a beautiful way of writing. I have read and reread over and over. You're right whilst having an incredibly supportive and loving family your bet was right- I have done a tonne of work to recover from FOO damage (but this has definitely unearthed that I have a lot more, the joys of betrayal). As a child, my Mum had an affair, divorced my dad and married her affair partner. I had to move with her because I was too young and my brother and sister stayed with my Dad.
Fast forward the years, what did that man do to my Mum... surprise he had another affair! Once a cheater, always a cheater! So yes, when this all happened to me, I felt I knew only too well that my focus would be on ensuring the children are first priority, make things less unstable for them and try our best to remain united and show the children that whilst things will be different, we will be okay and still a family. How wrong I was! Well not wrong, I just forgot that you need two people on board to action that and never in my wildest dreams could I imagine the instant change, disregard and distain that he would have towards me and the lack of interest he would have in the kids. Soon after I stumbled across this site and began learning about MLC.

MadLuv you're right I definitely had my ex on a pedestal. It's amazing how when I now spend time with friends and watch their husbands do the simplest of tasks, the compromise taking place and the care it makes me realise how much our relationship and family life was really all about him. I had the attitude that he worked full time and I would lessen the load for him. I enabled Peter Pan. So there has been a win, I am now doing what I have always done but for one less person which has helped my inner belief, 'I've got this.'

We have a very interconnected friendship group so it's been very challenging for our friends as well. All our friends refuse to meet her and that is met with anger and abuse from him towards them. There have been many friendships lost between him and others. He just wants everyone to 'get over it' and 'move on' however just like his family, our friends are all hurt and stuck in a place of questioning who he is and how everyone can't believe he is capable of anything he has done. This is where I have tried to explain the process of MLC to others, however at this stage he hasn't bought the 'shiny red car' which everyone seems to think a MLC has to have lol!
Have other people found this with your friendships? And how have you found ways to best manage this?
This makes it hard too because understandably they see me as the connection point however, we have enough to work through so working through their 'blindsight' can be wearing as well.

The fact that we are here, reading, learning, listening and helping each other gives me such confidence that we will ride out these waves and move forward in the direction we each need to. We are doing the work! We are working hard to move forward. Working through betrayal is brutal. I can't fathom how a person can do what these men and woman have done and continue to do to us, their kids, their families and friends, however like Baxter1 said, 'its all inside them.'
Whilst we are hurting like hell, knowledge is power-We are the ones knowing they are in a crisis and it appears they have no idea. Like my (ex) mother-in-law said - he has no idea of the carnage he has caused, it's like he is in a warzone with blown up buildings, debris and injured people surrounding him and he's skipping down the street without a clue. He is brazen and cocky as hell.
One day their Mack Truck will come, but like I do far too often it doesn't serve us to give the energy to worry for what will be for them, we need to put that energy in to us. Energy in to our rebuild and our new chapters ahead, however they shall look.
Thank you for the strength, words of reassurance and strategies to work through, I'm so grateful!
We've got this!