[WHY]

Why are there so few resources from those that have actually gone through MLC out there?  I mean, over the last decade, ~10-12% of the population....  There should be thousands of stories of people describing what they went through.

Yet, I scoured YouTube, and I couldnt find one legit one from a healed MLCer describing what they went through.

This woman was documenting her journey, but then just disappeared 4 years ago: https://www.youtube.com/@MIDLIFECRISIS50/videos

This doesnt make sense.  Are MLCers so ashamed they just want to put that part of their life behind them?  Do they not care enough to even discuss it because they're indifferent?  Or are their lives better and its not worth looking back in their past?

I really dont understand this.

[forthetrees]

Perhaps because they are still out in the weeds looking for their proverbial golf ball for that amazing shot that lies just ahead. I´m not sure that the majority do heal. I think that most fracture and then live with their fractured existence- maybe due to having run out of energy and the task of healing seems insurmountable, maybe because they finally see the path of destruction and think they merit a fractured life, maybe because what they´ve come to is good enough. You can be sure that if going through a MLC brought these folks the everlasting happiness they seek that someone would have monetized it by now and become the MLC influencer of our times. They´d rebrand it as Mid-Life Freedom and not a crisis.

[JohnnyBravo]

They´d rebrand it as Mid-Life Freedom and not a crisis.

I think I've actually seen it that way in some groups/YouTube videos. Not making money off of it (except advertising?), but the whole, "You deserve a change" kind of thing.

I'm not sure why anybody would go through the trouble of documenting that, personally. They may want attention during the MLC, but they're getting that vial the MLC "process."

[WHY]

They´d rebrand it as Mid-Life Freedom and not a crisis.

I think I've actually seen it that way in some groups/YouTube videos. Not making money off of it (except advertising?), but the whole, "You deserve a change" kind of thing.

I'm not sure why anybody would go through the trouble of documenting that, personally. They may want attention during the MLC, but they're getting that vial the MLC "process."

There are tons of videos like this.  “Midlife opportunity etc”.  It’s all BS.  It’s doesn’t go into what causes MLC or the destruction it has one family.  Or the affects of infidelity.  I actually can’t stand these videos.  They talk about transition vs crisis.

And there are tons of vids for LBS and what is MLC and want to do.

But my point still stands.  I would expect at least some vids if people trying to help others by talking about what they went through being a recovered MLCer.

Does this tell me that they don’t truly regret what happened and learn to reach acceptance wherever they’ve landed?  That they basically come out the cocoon and no longer need/want us?

Seriously is anyone else really surprised that there aren’t ANY vids on this?   Makes me question the hearts blessings and RCR teachings.  They’re a lifesaver for LBS to survive BD and find a path forward.  But for explaining the MLCers recovery?

How many MLCers actually reconcile?

[Ready2Transform]

Early on, the reconciliation stories gave me a great deal of hope, and the writings here and by HB, Rejoice Ministries, Newman's Own (not Paul Newman but the blog name was something similar), Joe Beam, etc. were incredibly soothing. I wouldn't discount that. Anything that cultivates love over bitterness isn't bad. But hope vs. false hope is a thing that might be an uncomfortable conversation but still one that should be had. We should all have hope here, for our spouses and/or for ourselves. Life is not over. But I think the lack of self-aware former MLCers sort of tells the tale in itself. I know other people (not just my former spouse) who have had/are having MLCs, and certainly, they're not the types who will ever admit they were wrong or doing anything other than living their lives on their own terms. Even in what I think was my midlife transition, I was pretty brutal to my dad, but there came a point after where we had talked out all that could be talked out, all was forgiven, and it was time to accept that and move on from it. It doesn't even feel like that big of a chapter of my life now, but it was nutso at the time. I wouldn't want to be focused on that forever, and maybe even healthy people who had crises don't want to be either. That doesn't feel very satisfying for an LBS. Believe me, even though I don't want to reconcile now, it would be nice to think my xH would be regretful and try to atone. But likely, he won't. I don't regret finally opening my mind to that notion about seven years ago or so, so that I could move through the grief and go on. Not that anyone else should follow my exact path, but I think we all know when it's time to evaluate our stances.

[Trustandlove]

My own feeling is that MLCers who had gone through it and recovered are probably focusing their energies on their recovered life, and probably don't want to think about what they went through -- also, in order for them to write about they would have to 1) remember it all; 2) want to do the writing; and 3) be able to write reasonably well.

That all takes a lot of energy, and my gut feeling is that if they did go through something like what we have experienced with our spouses they would absolutely not want to keep revisiting it; they might feel lucky that they got through with their lives intact and just want to get on with life.  They may also feel ashamed about it. 

In many ways much like what I think LBS who reconcile do; I think that those who do reconcile focus on their lives now rather than writing about it, which is part of the reason we don't hear so much from them. 

I also think about what I went through in my 20s, that cannot be called an MLC by any definition, but it was a horrible time and when I got through I was just so grateful to not have caused more damage that I didn't want to talk about it at all, save to say that I was a mess and I got through.  I concentrated on what was to come, not on what had been. 

Just a thought. 

[WHY]

This totally makes sense.  I just wonder how there isnt just one person on the entire planet, just one, that perhaps tried to get their LBS back and fell on the sword by talking about what happened and trying to help others.

Something doesnt feel right here.

I know we keep saying that the love is deep down in MLCer but they cant access it because of depression.  But what if its not.  What if they do change into a completely different identity, and then that new identity needs to fall in love with LBS again just like when the couple first met.  Like basically dating a stranger again.

So they feel guilt about their actions after (not remorse), and the feelings of love (IF any) become newly formed.  So we keep saying "recovered", but perhaps they dont see it that way.

[UrsaMajor]

I know we keep saying that the love is deep down in MLCer but they cant access it because of depression.  But what if its not.  What if they do change into a completely different identity, and then that new identity needs to fall in love with LBS again just like when the couple first met.  Like basically dating a stranger again.

So they feel guilt about their actions after (not remorse), and the feelings of love (IF any) become newly formed.  So we keep saying "recovered", but perhaps they don't see it that way.

This is EXACTLY what has to happen is the Mid-Lifer has really done the work, has chosen to try to reestablish the relationship, and the LBS is amenable to that decision. Both the Mid-Lifer and the LBS have, assuming that each has done the work needed, have changed, have grown, have "matured."  As one former Mentor's Tagline said, "One does not make the trip to Hades and back without learning some transferable skills." 

Neither the Mid-Lifer nor the LBS are the same people they were before BD or, if they are, then the return will be short-lived because the underlying cause of the MLC (at least on the part of the Mid-Lifer) has not been dealt with. Both the Mid-Lifer and the LBS have to make the CONSCIOUS decision to "try again"  and to see if the "new and improved"  version of the person formerly known as "Spouse"  is someone they are still interested in.

However, in the grand scheme of things, "what-if'ing"  serves about as much purpose as trying to taste green... with your elbow... What-if'ing is just another term for "Monkey-braining."

As far as the Mid-Lifer "falling on their sword and trying to help others," one has to remember that someone in an MLC does not WANT help. After all, in their distorted world view, the problem lies with the LBS and everyone else.... not to mention it is a VERY hard first step... sort of like standing up at an AA meeting for the first time and introducing yourself with "Hi, my name is <name> and I am an alcoholic."  except that alcoholism is a recognized mental / physical illness. A Mid-Life Crisis is still considered by most to be the inability of an old guy to keep his pants around his waist to put it bluntly.

[WHY]

Yeah but you have ex drug addicts.  Ex gambling addicts.  Ex alcoholics. All helping others to avoid the same mistakes they made. 

Yet not a single MLC recovery group.  No blogs.  No YouTube vids.  Something doesn’t smell right here.

Where are the other literally millions of other Shocksis’s on the planet?

[KayDee]

Is this perhaps an issue of terminology? You will find much more on recovering from depression and often times the person speaks about the damage they have done to relationships. The Storied Mind often comes up on this forum. He doesn't state having a MLC (and he is a long-term depression sufferer) but there are many, many parallels in his story. Same with Ann Sheffield's Depression Fallout. I have read other blogs, framed by a depressive crisis but not termed an MLC by the author, that have strong parallels. MLC can be met with eye-roll as it is often seen, in the general population, as almost an indulgence - sometimes comically so. A friend of mine, a guy in his late fifties, who knows my situation, joked with me recently that he was late having his MLC (I let this go  ). If someone has gone through something as painful and frightening as this type of crisis, they may not term it as MLC themselves because they don't recognise  their situation in the more cliched symptoms that are widely out there. And, for the same reason, they may not want to describe what they went through as MLC, for fear of having the experience belittled. I don't know, it's just a hunch. I also agree with T&L about recovery emphasis, and on issues relating to shame. I consider what my H is going through is a major depressive crisis at mid-life.  A perfect storm scenario.

A final thought - isn't much of the theory on HS based on the writing of Conway, who is a survivor of MLC and wrote a book (and also a blog I think) to help both MLCers and LBS.