Previous Thread is here:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11923.150I’ve seen RCR mention in multiple videos that we stand to get to a point where we’re healed enough, and of sound mind, to then decide what to do next. This is such an important thing and I 100% agree. Not to make any decisions out of pain or anger etc. The LBS will suffer more if doing this. So take the time to heal (which is different for everyone, maybe a year), then decide what you want to do with your stand.
But here’s the second part. All LBS hope for reconciliation. We can try delude ourselves otherwise but deep down it’s what we want. And if that’s the end goal, I question whether continuing to stand is the right approach. Standing at this point will inevitably breed more anger and resentment on the LBS part as the MLCer continues to destroy those around them. Possible creating so much destruction that there is nothing left to reconcile when the time comes. We preach that we should fully let go. So why not do it then and D, and let both live free to live their lives as they choose. That way you can minimize compounding resentment on the LBS side, and the MLCer finally has the freedom to live they way they want to live.
I also think this full D allows the MLCer to live untethered from the LBS. it becomes harder to blame the LBS for the way they still feel. And I believe they’re more likely to self reflect sooner (ie shorten the journey through the tunnel).
And the LBS can live free and no longer be a victim. GAL. Date if they chose. Pursue a life without resentment.
And at that point, years down the line, IF the MLCer heals, I genuinely believe this situation has a better chance of reconciliation.
However, I have seen RCR mention in her videos that if D takes place, that reconciliation is less likely. I assume this is from evidence collected over the years. And I’d love to understand this concept more as it seems to conflict with what I honestly believe would be a better approach. Is there a way to tag RCR in this thread?
Treasur - as you said, for the vast majority here, reconciliation does not take place. For me I think it would be helpful to understand what could be the possible reasons. Is it that the MLCer has become a different person altogether and the marriage is no longer compatible. Possible. The MLCer never heals? Probable. But I think it has more to do with the destruction where LBS says they don’t actually want to reconcile. Because again, resentment and too much destruction has taken place.
So perhaps it would be possible to increase the odds of reconciliation by actually fully letting go, like we preach, and D.
Also what you said about Acorn. Thank you for mentioning this. I had forgotten this concept and it’s great you bring it up. Fully agree. The one MLCer I’ve spoken to in person never healed. And this is just another layer of the reconciliation puzzle that’s stacked against us. And in what scenarios does the MLCer have a better chance of self repair. Staying married for years while having an affair? Or living fully on their own to hit rock bottom sooner? I think the latter. Rock bottom is a slow process if you have the safety net of a marriage and a LBS spouse that’s standing.
Anyway these are just thoughts the come to mind. Each situation is different. Each MLCer is different. I just think it would be helpful to look at the data collected on HS for over a decade, about which approaches worked. And those that did not.
Perhaps others could help me populate.
Whether to D or not if you deep down hope for reconciliation:
Pros:
1) LBS lives a life without further resentment
2) breaks away from the destruction the MLCer causes so that LBS does not hit that point of no return
3) likely MLCer will hit rock bottom sooner and progress through tunnel faster
4) the MLCer needs to heal to have a shot at reconciliation. And who knows if this will ever happen!? So this fact alone largely supports D
Cons:
1) RCR mentions D has a lower chance of reconciliation. Need to understand Y?
2) MLCer could meet someone else that can delay the rock bottom process for years.