With kids in the mix it’s unfortunately really hard to completely step away from the mess.  Since my monkeys visit the circus.  I find myself counting down to my counseling session as that usually helps.  Midlife crisis is a cruel thing. I’m so sick of dealing with the fall out.  Even four years down it’s just still affecting our lives. Two of my kids are completely fed up with the emotional merry-go-round and forgiveness is not coming easily for them this time.  I worry about how that will affect their dad’s mental health.  He feels like everyone hates him and I worry he’s not strong enough to withstand the kids rejection right now.  I am so scared he will do something drastic.  I also feel like my kids are drawing their own boundaries and I can’t really fault them for that.  They have been hurt so badly.  I don’t want to have the hurt of losing their father on top of that. 

Wow, I guess it’s been a year now since I’ve been on here.  The wasband keeps making the same circles chasing his tail.  While seemingly better for a while, we are back at the same spot as last year apparently with his mental health although it seems even more precarious.  It makes me ill to think I thought he had made it through some of the darker periods but he seems to be even worse off.  He confided in me, and at least I had the opportunity to suggest he get back to counseling and consider mood stabilizers.  I hope he actually does it.  I don’t want that additional trauma in any of our lives and despite everything I want him to be okay. 

Occasionally I think he’s starting to come through his MLC but who knows.  I suppose that maybe he’s reached the depression stage and is out of replay a bit (yes I know we shouldn’t stage watch). He still just seems to be internally fighting himself. 

With this newest loop this past week I’m finding myself thrown back into a trauma response and feeling very dysregulated myself. I know I need to just let myself feel it and take care of me.  I’m also just sick of having things throw me still.  Luckily I can easily bump my own counseling back up to weekly visits until things calm again.  Aside from this newest upset, I’ve actually been in a pretty good spot.  I’ve started getting myself back out there a bit.  All it took was an old friend realizing I was single and reaching out.  It’s nothing serious but it feels really nice after so long.  As we both talked about our divorces, he asked me if I still wished my ex and I were married.  It was a weird moment to verbalize that no, I don’t and realize I meant every word.  I want him to be happy and successful and for me to have the same with someone else.  I’m feeling more ready to move forward but sometimes feel like I’m being pulled back a bit by the last strings that haven’t snapped. 

I’ve continued to try to work on myself and got a truth bomb from my therapist this past week.  As I was trying to take accountability for something that wasn’t mine to hold, she told me I keep doing this to try and have control over situations that feel completely out of my control.  I realized how right she was, I think so many of us end up trying to take responsibility for things our MLCer shoves on us and we do it to feel more in control, if it’s our fault then we have the power to fix it.  In reality, sometimes we just have no control over what happens. 

How to accept and adapt to disruptive changes in life | Psyche Guides https://share.google/w40mUN9UsOCn5rPI1

I was in Dublin a few years ago but NOT for running a marathon (unless you want to call singing 4 concerts, including an Evensong mass at St. Stephens Cathedral with a choir in 3 days a marathon) and enjoyed it a lot. Dublin is a beautiful city.

As for the CS, you are almost there..... You've been there, done that, got the T-Shirt and didn't even get a kiss out of the deal.... but, there is a light at the end of the tunnel which is NOT, in this case, an oncoming MLC train.....

I’m not on here much anymore, but something made me come and I saw your posting. Although you had hoped for full reconciliation I do think he showed you love in small ways after your divorce in the only way he was capable of. I’m so sorry for your loss, but what a lovely send off he received by you with you taking care of him in his final days. In the end it appears you both got some closure and also some acknowledgment that the love was real.

Wishing you and your daughter love and support and thank you for all your support you have given for decades to those who followed behind you with many different versions of MLC.