[MadLuv]

So true Offroad. Thank you for the reflections and insights. I do think D34 should be in a more mature place. It’s funny because she can be very mature, but if it is upsetting or emotions are involved she looses all rationale. What I have noticed is that in the past year I have not buckled to it and it does seem that she does circle back around and each time it does seem that she can handle a little more and is starting to realize that maybe, just maybe she is starting to push me to no return.

 It was my birthday last week and I stated to a few close friends that it would be the opportunity for her to break the silence. She unblocked  me on social media ( that alone was immature and controlling) and I think she thought I would reach out, but I did not. The day after my birthday she messaged me and  and said Happy Birthday. We were so sorry we missed it, but with the baby days role into each other.  Etc etc.

We have her cousins coming in 2 weeks for 4 days and I knew she would need to mend things with me. She continued to message me throughout the day with light chatter. I think she needed the awkwardness to not be there. I do know that O am now not willing to discuss what happened as that door is closed. She shut things down and I just want to move forward. I will also shut down any talks on her father. Thats their relationship or non relationship and he and I have none. I am no longer willing to be the therapist in the situation.

So we shall see how next week goes. At least she broke the silence. That is a first. I felt I needed to stand firm on the disrespect and I am glad for what ever reason I didn't have to be the peace maker again. Im looking forward to a nice family weekend. A full house.  It’s a rarity since the MLC bomb blew up our world.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

So don’t ever feel your advise is not accepted. Sometimes I’m not the best explaining and then realize that thought is based on me not being clear.

Don't worry, I think communication is so difficult and we are all posting and knowing that there are no nonverbal cues to guide us. With that in mind, I always know that the words I give are limited as we have never met in person. Now if we share a couple of old fashions and talked a little football, different story.

From my personal perspective, mother/daughter relationships are complicated no matter what the circumstances are. And no two are alike-like fingerprints.

So with that in mind, I'm not going to delve deep into your relationship with your daughter but rather how you have flipped the script on the situation. By taking yourself out of being in the middle between her and her father, you have denied her emotional dump site that you held for years.  In my various roles in education, I have been part of the negotiations team for the district. When the bargaining party and our team can't reach consensus, we bring in a mediator who listens to both sides and tries to unstick the parties. Of course, the mediator listens to both sides as we describe how bad and unreasonable the other side is. They take it all in and find some outs for both sides.

In many ways, you are the mediator except you are not highly paid and one side (your ex) really doesn't want or care that you are trying to resolve the issues. However, it gives your daughter a great options to dump all of her issues and frustrations on you.

I will also shut down any talks on her father. Thats their relationship or non relationship and he and I have none. I am no longer willing to be the therapist in the situation.

Exactly as I have stated. You are NC with him and you don't need any further aggravation in this regard. He fired you and you are not going to give him or his grody new plaything any opportunities to throw more rocks in your direction. Just as you have set boundaries with him, you are now setting boundaries with your daughter as well. I had just as many rows with my oldest just after the divorce and I remember telling her once, " You need me more than I need you." Now I can do no wrong. Boy does time change things. I think you will enjoy each other more when you conversation and focus is about your relationship with her and her family- not the guy that dumped both of you.

Enjoy the family and more importantly, the peace!

(((Ready)))

[MadLuv]

Hello!!! It has been almost a year since I have posted and I felt the need or urge to do a brief update on this whole crazy ordeal. February was 5 years since our divorce was final and add 90 days and that was the discard. It was a quick one after 30 years together.

So many lies and manipulation from a man that I thought was a sweet and honorable man. Did I see and feel the slow decline? Absolutely, but we lost a child to leukemia and that became the reason. Now looking back do I feel the same? Yes and No. I think he was always avoidant and insecure. I think ( with my help) he rose to a high status and he sewed his wild oats. He finally felt he mad it. He had confidence and I think he finally had women ( using that loosely) flirting with him and he like it. I also think he was escaping the grief of the loss of our daughter.

What I do know and feel now is that none of that matters. He chose poor coping skills. He did not communicate his needs. He just escaped one life he couldn't resolve to go to a new one that felt like his savior. Do I think he was happy when he left? No, I think he was relieved. Do I think he is happy now? No, I think he probably now realizes that he discarded his life and career( he was fired 1 year after our divorce) for a momentary feeling. I believe that people struggling can have such strong limerant feelings they think it's their fairy tale.

The first 2 years were horrific. The more I learned and discovered it made me literally insane. The anxiety and panic attacks were constant. I was a shell of myself. He temporarily destroyed me. The 3rd year I started to truly accept the situation instead of fighting it. The 4th year I was in a pretty good place. My kids although adults however were really seeing him now and so I was dealing with it.
This past year has been a year for us all of acceptance and some normalcy.

What has happened with him? I have not spoken to him
In 3 years. The last time I did speak to him I told him that he was not my friend and had not been for a long time and until he was accountable we would continue to not be friends. As a tru avoidant he went silent. I have had to message him on some business dealings we agreed to in the divorce and he will not respond. It’s my punishment. His wife started to intercept his emails and text messages and answer for him pretending to be him. Once that happened it gave me full release that I no longer had to communicate on this things. It was honestly a relief. So now I do not communicate on anything. I just make the decisions without him and it’s been a year and that has been wonderful.

Here is why I am posting. 2 years ago I broke my back. This past Sunday I woke up and was reading and was having difficulty with some words. I knew something was terribly wrong. It may have seemed minor but I was replacing words in paragraphs. I went to the ER and I had bleeding in my brain. I had a stroke. More testing and they could not find the cause, but the neurologist said it was probaly a temporary hike in blood pressure.

I firmly believe years of anxiety and stress has caused this and now I will have to worry about this for my remaining days. Stress is a silent killer. When we are in it we can’t stop it, but what these men and women do is preventable. They know they are causing harm and they dont care. They are selfish. It is a sickness. I don’t see my xh as a sweet man. I see him as a weak man that only cares for him welf. Only cares about how he feels. He hasn't seen his kids for 4 years. He hasnt seen his beloved grandson. Hasn’t met his granddaughter who is 1 year old and a grandson that is coming in leas than 2 month ( who is being named after his father who is passed) His family mother and brothers and kids are now all disconnected from our kids and grandkids. They lost a sister, father, grandmother, uncles, aunts and cousins.

I lost a decade of my life while married and years after he left dealing with the confusion. I make no excuses for him anymore. He is well aware of his issues and is not man enough to address them. He now lived in a new state and his wife of over 4 years moved in Last year after living apart for 2. Her daughter 29 and child 2 moved in with him. Her younger daughter 25 lives in our old condo that he pays for. His wife is drenched in diamond and designer clothes while driving her  mercedes. They go on wonderful vacations with all of them and their boyfriends. To me it just shows he is paying for a superficial life.

What I think happened? I think he used women and outside validation to help him through his pain and then it was to late to turn back. I think he then couldn’t stand to be home and look at myself and our kids, because he was living a lie. I think he truly stayed as long as he could, but he couldn’t change what he did. I do think this new life is easier for him. They just have material needs. Or have……but I think that is starting to change. He is working nights and living his reality abs with all relationships she will need more emotionally. She is definitely intercepting things in his life to keep him from reconnecting with his old. This is his karma.

So, my advice after more than a decade of this is to take care of yourself the best you can. Do your dr visits. Keep up with your health. This all takes a huge toll on your body and so much turns up years later.

Wishing everyone love and hope in your lives!!

[xyzcf]

I am so sorry that you have had these health issues. Very scary to have had a stroke. Wise advise to all. Take care of yourself and if something is off do not put off getting checked out. Call 911 as they have meds and equipment to save your life and prevent further damage.
What has helped me as well as what you stated is to accept and understand that I am not a part of his story. How he lived his life while we were apart is not my story. Build your own life and you will be ok.

Take care and be well.

[MadLuv]

Thank you XY. As stated I have not talked to him in 3 years, but he also disappeared from the kids and grandkids life. Very crazy and so I can’t escape it all because we share those children. I wish he was involved and I think we would all be moving forward healthy. Since I hadn’t been on for a year I did a kind of wrap up on everything, but I have moved on. The craziness just took a toll!!

I’m so sorry again for your loss. Your beloved was never disconnected fully and showed respect for you in so many ways and that is such a blessing. So glad you were able to spend his remaining days with him and that he realized that you were his true wife. Wish he had more time and you had more time with him. Hope you and your daughter are surrounded with love and support.

[Dragonfly33]

Madluv it’s nice to hear again from you and I am sorry at the same time that you had a stroke. Glad to hear you went to the doctor straight away. Wise advice coming from you, we need to take care of ourselves because nobody else will. Accept that we are not part of their lives now even though it’s hard. My father abandoned us too and for years we tried to bridge that broken connection but he showed us multiple times he didn’t care about us. At some point not so long ago, we accepted that reality and cut all contacts with him. We have no regrets as we tried everything possible to connect with him. I hope your kids will be able to move forward healthily too. Take care of yourself Madluv.

[JohnnyBravo]

Wow, MadLuv... That's a heck of a scare, to put it mildly. I'm glad you were able to get taken care of in time! Good on you for not just brushing that off, too. I usually brush things off as part of getting old.

I am very happy that I'm ignorant of whatever the heck my ex is doing. On the other hand, thanks to this whole thing I'm handling our work project cancellation better than anyone else on our team... (There are plenty of other projects to work on, this one was just really useful and we were executing it well.)

Hugs,

JB