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Author Topic: Interacting with Your MLCer Those of you who walked out - did you apologize your mistakes in M?

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Hello,

Quote
Did I apologize to him for anything?  No
I never felt I did anything to apologize for.

This is coming from someone who lives in Minnesota. They spend over half their lives apologizing to others about their weather. LOL

Ready

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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

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Oh you're a real riot Alice!   ;D
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Quote from: readytofixmyselffirst link=topic=11457.msg763225#msg763225
. Ten years down the road, still unfinished business, a project that will never end.

Thanks Ready,

This is good to know, and I'll make a mental note myself...OTOH if a relationship lasts 20 years, it sounds only logical for the fallout to last at least the same.

Alvin.
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« Last Edit: May 07, 2020, 09:31:06 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

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They will not be receptive in the beginning of the crisis because no matter what you say gets twisted to fuel that rebellion...Only after they begin to look inside will they ever hear a true apology...thats my opinion ...

It may be true, but how MLCr sees it something not in my control. The only part I control is making (or not making) the apology, and how it makes me feel.

It is kind of interesting to notice there are people doing this in totally different styles, and all are doing ok.... So I would assume this comes largely down to personal integrity, being true to what you are. And it is different strokes for all of us.


Was I a perfect wife, oh heck no.  He was not a perfect husband either.
I made a lot of mistakes in our marriage over the years, but I already apologized for them at the time.
He made mistakes too.  That was all in the past.

Amen... To reality of married life.

Alvin.
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At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

F
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Alvin, I think intention matters.  So for me, I had to know that I did everything in my power to save the marriage.  Early on I apologized for some things I had done that he had monstered about.  I do not regret it because I know that I have left no stone unturned.

That said, I wouldn’t expect anything from it.  In that same manner there are many times I spoke up when I felt I needed to say how I felt.  This was for me and my healing, but certainly did not help our relationship.  It could help her justify, but if you need to do it for closure, do it.
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« Last Edit: May 07, 2020, 08:35:50 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 23 years
Husband is 46
Me-42
4 kids 9-18 years old
BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, 2 OW at different times.
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but superficial.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure. 
August 2021-.  He has shown very gradual, but consistent progress.  He moved back home.
December 2022-He has been home for 1 1/2 years reconnecting, in the room with me for several months. I now consider us reconciled.
October 2023-After two years home and being the man he should be, I finally fully let him back into my heart.

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Whenever I made a mistake I was aware of during our marriage, I apologized. Therefore no reason to apologize for those things again.

None, not one single thing, of what my mlcer accused me of was anything I had done. They were all things HE had done. I felt no need to apologize for those things either. And I have no need to take on his projected issues as any problem of mine.

Can I think of things I might have done wrong in his eyes? Yes, but if he never mentioned them, we're they actually "wrong" or do I just imagine they might have been?  I see no need to apologize for something that may or may not have been an offense. And no one can tell me that.

I can only truly apologize if I know what it was I did to hurt someone else and agree with the assessment. My being quiet my be hurtful to one person and a relief to someone else. An apology for being quiet might not be appropriate. 

If a person knows they were rude, or spiteful, or absent in their marriage, they can apologize if it makes them feel better to acknowledge their shortcomings, expecting nothing in return. Take that knowledge of what you want to do differently and do better moving forward. If the apology helps positive change, why not?
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Z
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Anything I apologized for... 1) Even if true, was an attempt to fix and turn him back 2) The items I mentioned, he later used in mediation to monster at me. Given ammunition... the MLCer will use it against you to feel better about what they are doing.
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C
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Alvin,

For me it took several months after BD for me
To really process through all the things H had said and done and examine my own behavior in the marriage. Most of the reasons H stated he wanted a divorce for were made up crap that was just an excuse.  But in my self examination I did discover something’s I genuinely needed to apologize for....which I did....and changed those behaviors.

I honestly think the apology matters very little compared to action.  The words ended up being sort of meaningless.....the actions showed more.

You can apologize if you want too.  You don’t have too. It is a choice. I would say this time is about you....do whatever brings you closure. Don’t write down your apology as it can be used against you in the divorce and talk to a lawyer first.

I hope whatever choice you make brings you some peace.

Courage
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Me 38
H 38
S17
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
He left 10/6/2020
Status: I’m done. Stbxh remorseful, texts and apologizes a lot, is in therapy and several treatment teams.
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

F
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Yes, like Courage I examined my heart and had legitimate things to apologize for.  So for me, I needed to apologize to make sure I had done my part.  Of course it meant nothing to him during monster.  It gave me peace though. 
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Married 23 years
Husband is 46
Me-42
4 kids 9-18 years old
BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, 2 OW at different times.
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but superficial.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure. 
August 2021-.  He has shown very gradual, but consistent progress.  He moved back home.
December 2022-He has been home for 1 1/2 years reconnecting, in the room with me for several months. I now consider us reconciled.
October 2023-After two years home and being the man he should be, I finally fully let him back into my heart.

 

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