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Author Topic: Discussion MLCrs bringing small gifts

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Discussion MLCrs bringing small gifts
OP: May 20, 2020, 09:22:06 AM
As I seem to be on roll with spending time here, I have got another question/discussion topic.   Have you ever encountered or heard of MLCr bringing small gifts frequently?

My W's been bringing me small gifts (dollar store kind) few times a week pretty much the whole time she's been working at her new job.   Even today, regardless of last nights "daddy bear show" she brought me a gift today.... 

It really does not make any sense. We are taking first steps of D. She says she never wants to work things out between us. Not to love me. Not to stay married. She wants distance, silence, space,separation - all of which I have likely failed to give enough.  And still. The gifts keep rolling on.... If I disliked the person, wanted them gone of my life- I really would not be bringing gifts to him/her. 

And she does this only for me. Not to kids, not to anyone else (AFAIK)... So you may understand my WTF feeling.

I've read all sorts of bizarre MLC behaviour, but never anything like this.  I really don't know what to think of this behaviour apart of some kind guilt/shame/self-esteem thingie that makes her feel bit better of herself.... or maybe she imagines that her bringing gifts make me   behave in some.  Or...

But yes,  I'm curious... .are there others who have a gift bearing MLCr? Or has anyone even heard of as such? 

Alvin.
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At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

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MLCrs bringing small gifts
#1: May 20, 2020, 09:26:56 AM
Not only do I not get gifts, he won’t even acknowledge special occasions by saying “Happy-whatever”. 

Your wife clearly feels guilty and you still weigh heavily on her brain.  Lucky - I wish that I did.
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« Last Edit: May 20, 2020, 10:43:48 AM by megogirl »

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Re: MLCrs bringing small gifts
#2: May 20, 2020, 09:34:33 AM
The five love languages, Alvin. She may be a person who receives love most easily in the form of receiving gifts. Not the kind that we divine from words or touch or experiences, but from receiving things or a thing that shows the giver perceived the receiver’s exact temperament, need, qualities, hobbies or interests, or material wants.

Even in the thick of MLC and ow2, h gifted me on our 50th birthdays with a grand exact gift that suited us both. I don’t know how he could ever top it except by coming home.

If your MLC spouse is giving gifts, big or small, they’re thinking about you, they’re thinking about “us”, and they’re trying. Mine occasionally sends money and I am grateful in the moment and then later I think it is really insulting and offensive. But it’s still a gesture that wouldn’t be made if there wasn’t still Love.

I would say try thanking her for these little gestures. They may seem cheap or ordinary to you, but in some way they are her way of adding to the Love bank account, and even the pennies should add up to Love wealth for you both, over time.
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Re: MLCrs bringing small gifts
#3: May 20, 2020, 09:39:55 AM
Even if her little gifts to you aren’t what you expect, need, or want, the gestures merit recognition and sincere gratitude. H did things like bake cakes from scratch. I’m not a fan of cake and in fact am a cake snob most of the time. It didn’t detract from the effort made, or the gift given, no matter how small or inexact.

She may receive joy from the act of thinking about and then buying something small for you. It’s a mother’s way and maybe also a child’s way. But also just a small way of provisioning joy and a moment of connection that — I know at least at some point, connection was something you wanted with her.

Go ahead and receive kindly. If it occurs to you, and especially if you have income, think about reciprocating. If she is a person whose love language is receiving gifts, one from you may make her day and let her know that she is still loved, cherished, considered, and understood.
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MLCrs bringing small gifts
#4: May 20, 2020, 09:46:58 AM
Yup, I agree..... it's an attempt to mend things in the only way she's able to currently.

Guilt, sadness, wishing things were different, wanting something different, unknowing what to do....... gifts.

One thing I would look at is, how much thought it going into the gifts? This is a message in itself.

Personally, I believe there are multiple personalities which war with each other during MLC. The "gift" personality could be the "good" personality coming forward and trying ever so hard to keep you. I think when the spouse is lost, so is the "good" personality as they have nothing to hold on to. There is no root to ground them, and the "bad" spins them off into oblivion. This is also why their actions and words can't be trusted most of the time as the dominant "pain" personality is in control.

Mine has brought me gifts, normally right after she's been bad. Perhaps it is to say "sorry", maybe it is to justify, maybe to attempt to mend fences in a limited way..... but to me it is the "good" still in there knowing what is happening and knowing what would be lost if we are totally pushed away forever.
We know they make long term plans, and we know often the LBS is part of those plans. Where that comes from however is unknown.

-SS
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M - 46
Together 28 years, M 25
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BD - 27th April 2019
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Re: MLCrs bringing small gifts
#5: May 20, 2020, 09:55:00 AM
Honestly I wouldn't read much into it, just like anything else they do and say.

My favorite story is the day when I asked my wife where she wanted to go for dinner and she calmly said "make your own plans, I have decided we should go our separate ways." And the next day as we were discussing the outlines of a divorce she bought me my favorite pumpkin seeds from a local store and gave it to me as I had packed a bag to leave her alone in the house while she packed. When I asked her about it she calmly asked "what, I can't buy you gifts now?" I called them "the pumpkin seeds of divorce." I did enjoy them however and did thank her for them. The was almost two years ago.

None of it makes sense. Yes it indicates internal conflict but that is a little bit like saying the sea is wet.
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« Last Edit: May 20, 2020, 09:58:07 AM by marvin4242 »
No Kids, 23 years at BD1 (4 years), married 21
First signs of MLC Jan '15
BD 1 Jan '17, BD 2 Mar, Separated Apr, BD 3 May,BD 4 Jun '18
First Sign of Waking up-Dec '17, First Cycle out of MLC Mar '18-Jun ‘18, Second cycle Jul '18-??
Meets OM Jan '17 and acts "in love," admits "in love" Jun '18, asks for divorce Jul '18

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Re: MLCrs bringing small gifts
#6: May 20, 2020, 10:34:18 AM
For my ex, it was guilt that drove those things. He gave me some business books because I was always collecting them (these in particular weren't ones I would have wanted, but I was gracious about it). If he made food at his parents' house for the family, he would bring some to me the next day (my recipes he was passing off as his). Post-D I was made promises about things I actually wanted that I did not get. At some point they feel they've done enough, I guess. They do want to be liked and I think are not as passive in why they're doing it as we'd like to believe. Like a child abuser that buys a kid an ice cream cone - a confused victim is a silent, controlled victim.
 
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MLCrs bringing small gifts
#7: May 20, 2020, 10:49:01 AM
Thanks all....

Gifts are not her love language in any form. Quality time and words of affirmation are.... And I'm not into gifts neither (apart of touch)..I think gifts rank worst for both of us.

How much thought/effort she puts in... They are stuff I like (bit like with ready's case of bisines books), so at least some effort goes in. And I do thank her, and occasionally gift her back as well (I prefer giving quality over quantity).

And yes, I know not to create expectations of this. It is just a nice gesture that she's doing for some reason. But it still feels so out place to rest of life.

Alvin.
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At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

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MLCrs bringing small gifts
#8: May 20, 2020, 10:58:14 AM
I have an example:

Last night W ran off in the middle of the night to call who knows who....... was on the phone until 1am (I had gone to bed and woke up when she came to bed).
Obviously it's not normal to be on the phone in the middle of the night, across the house in a room with the door closed.
Not normal at all.

I didn't really see her this morning except a "hello" as I passed her.

Just now she appears and offers to get us lunch. Why? Because of her actions. Why? Because of her guilt and she knows she has done wrong.
Is she able to talk about it? Nope. Is she able to say sorry? Nope. The only thing she is capable of is a gift.
Does she know she's wrong? Yup. Would she like to say sorry? Yup. She just can't.

It's a cycle that repeats over and over. Bad and then a "sorry" gift.
Personally I think it's the MLC'er mind trying to achieve balance. "If the LBS is hurt, I can get something to make them feel better.... this will make them happy", after all, what is the MLC'er behavior in trying to feel better themselves? It's "things". An item, an action, a relationship, a something. Why would you be any different if this is all they currently know?

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W - 43
M - 46
Together 28 years, M 25
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

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Re: MLCrs bringing small gifts
#9: May 20, 2020, 11:57:44 AM
You know Standing, maybe a good thing to do would be..Oh thank you, how very thoughtful of you.  Did I do something special to deserve this?  (with a cute smile of course)

I'd love to hear her answer.

But keep doing what you are doing.  You're doing really good giving her space and leaving her be.  Not even acknowledging the phone call.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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MLCrs bringing small gifts
#10: May 20, 2020, 01:18:36 PM
T, you little devil  ;D

I did do the "thank you" (as always)...... but the "What did I do to deserve this"...... very devious.  ;)

I'll try that next time.  8)

-SS
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Re: MLCrs bringing small gifts
#11: May 20, 2020, 01:55:19 PM
If little gifts are a new behavior, maybe it’s an effort to try something new and different, where doing the same thing all the time was not producing change or connection or other desired result.
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MLCrs bringing small gifts
#12: May 20, 2020, 07:55:36 PM
I can only speak for my own MLCer, but he bought me Slurpees. And Jersey Mike's sub sandwiches. And rolled tacos. In fact, once BD happened, many things I used to ask for happened. After a 3 week sprint of high replay where he ended up barfing his brains out after drinking too much, he suddenly started calling when he was on his way home (I had a live in for 18 months). Telling me when he was going out. Coming home when he said he was coming home. And Slurpees, tons of them.

I still have no idea what it was about. That was during my observing him like a bug in a terrarium time. It's all very strange.
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MLCrs bringing small gifts
#13: May 20, 2020, 08:29:51 PM
T, you little devil  ;D

I did do the "thank you" (as always)...... but the "What did I do to deserve this"...... very devious.  ;)

I'll try that next time.  8)

-SS

You are not the only one, LOL....I really want to see what kind of brain short circuit this will produce.

I can only speak for my own MLCer, but he bought me Slurpees. And Jersey Mike's sub sandwiches. And rolled tacos....And Slurpees, tons of them.I still have no idea what it was about. That was during my observing him like a bug in a terrarium time. It's all very strange.

What a relief, I'm not the only one...This matches her. And me... But the observing time is now about to pass.

Alvin.

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At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

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MLCrs bringing small gifts
#14: May 21, 2020, 03:50:37 AM
Mine routinely brings gifts, usually of the chocolate variety.

Particularly high after BD, then tapered off after about a year....then there would be random bouts of gift giving...when he would go through a phase of it...before it went again.

Now he usually gets me something when he gets the kids things.

Last year he did everything in his power to avoid me on my birthday, this year he brought me a cake after his work.

There is not always logic to it. Just accept it as part of the crazy and don't worry your mind to much with it.
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You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

 

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