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Author Topic: My Story His MLC and my journey

M
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My Story His MLC and my journey
#10: March 22, 2022, 10:29:36 AM
This makes me wonder how many of us were the backbones of our families.  I see so many similarities.  My life other than the betrayal and hurt isn’t that much different either.  I have been used to being independent and taking care of life.  Doing all the kid stuff.  It’s sad that they are desperately searching without having a clue what they are doing. 
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M
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His MLC and my journey
#11: March 23, 2022, 03:58:26 AM
KB- I do think your core family situation is ideal in an unideal situation. For as you say, not much has changed, but your X not being there. I felt most calm early days as things were still the same with my kids and myself. Unfortunately, his crazy and his detachment from the kids started ripping that apart from our lives. So, Hopefully that can remain as it really does make all the difference.
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife

K
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His MLC and my journey
#12: March 23, 2022, 06:31:52 AM
Journaling-

Just a little note on spiraling and monstering. My xh and I were nice and civil last week while talking about taxes. No big blow ups lately. Just business talk- but courteous (please and thank you from him). Well, last night my d texted me saying she just heard xh was closing on his new place the same day I am. I thought "how freaking random!" So I texted him- " Hey how random is this- we are closing on the same day!". He flipped. Wanted to know how D found out. Won't share any information about where or what town let alone the address. Doesn't care what my new address is going to be. I was taken a back and just said ok. Just don't forget to update that information with the courts as we are mandated to do so in our parenting contract. Crickets.

Why would he not care about the address of his kids? And I wasn't snooping - I was genuinely interested since it should be something he would be excited about. But no- his immediate gut reaction was conspiracy and negativity. Did he think I would screw him over? Did he think I would interfere with his closing? Why and how can he think so lowly of me? I have never hurt him or gone out of my way to make his life crap. Anyway- I'm not totally sure of the story he's telling himself to get through this crisis...but in his narrative- I'm still the enemy. Probably always will be. Interactions like these make it so much easier to stay away and detach even further. What a joke.
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YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is.  Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?

M
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His MLC and my journey
#13: March 23, 2022, 08:24:17 AM
KB- their paranoia is off the charts. Mostly due to what they have done. Some of their guilt manifesting in a strange way if you will. One day I was talking to my XH about things I wanted from the condo and I said the little table with the Spanish learning book on it.  He said, ok. Later in the conversation he asked me something else about else in the room. I said, I have no idea what your talking about. He said, oh I just assumed you would since you have someone watching me. i said what??? Why would you say that. He said, because you knew that book was on the table. I said??? You sent me a picture of that side of the room earlier, because you rearranged it and asked. The table and book were in the picture???

It’s not you, IT’S HIM!!!
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife

M
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His MLC and my journey
#14: March 23, 2022, 08:59:39 AM
I’ve gotten similar over reactions lately as well when most of the time we are civil.  I tend to feel like garbage after but really they are not I. Their right mind.  Mine seems a little paranoid as well. I think that because his perfect little life he worked out in his head is showing cracks they lash out.  They feel out of control so that must be our faults. 
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K
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#15: March 23, 2022, 09:20:42 AM
thanks ML and LB-

I think the fact that they can't be adult about the situation speaks volumes in itself. No consistency in reactions or emotions. They are getting what they want, living their life sans responsibilities and leaving everything behind to start anew AND YET...they are pissy, mean, confrontational and blame us for everything and anything. You would think that someone who is finally getting what they always wanted would be elated and calm and optimistic.

Spinning in the hamster wheel of depression and one of their own making. Hard stuff to reconcile I suppose. And if I caused as much pain and damage as he has...I'd probably run and hide and be bitter as well. How exhausting it must be to keep the mask on when underneath is a selfish coward that lacks empathy and the fundamental emotions of respect and civility.

Such a sad sad state they are in. I really don't envy them in the least.

on a side note- I posted to fb last night that "I was exhausted and that being a single parent is no joke. You feel like you have to be twice the parent to make up for the one that's missing." It's really the only thing I've posted outside the fact that our divorce was one sided and not something I wanted. And it was a draining process. I have never aired our dirty laundry or spoke about what happened to anyone outside my mom and bestfriend. Xh is not on fb but we have two mutual friends and I surmise they will mention the post to him. I didn't post to out him or blame him. It was about me and my life. And when he comes to me complaining about making him look sh&tty- my response will be...then quit doing sh&tty things.
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YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is.  Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?

E
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His MLC and my journey
#16: March 23, 2022, 06:11:07 PM
... And when he comes to me complaining about making him look sh&tty- my response will be...then quit doing sh&tty things.

Good to have those responses ready! Several years ago (right at the start, just after he ran away) my H told me that I 'didn't make him feel like a man'. I sooo wish I had seen that coming because my response would have been 'You know how you feel like a man... you act like one!'
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M: 53 (48 @ BD), H: 55 (51 @ BD); Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 24 (19 @ BD), D: 22 (17 @ BD), 'Extra D': 22 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW - he (supposedly) met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her.
Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her (never happens).
May 22: Movement... (likely T&G? Time will tell I guess)
May 23: Yep, definitely a T&G last year. Still have contact but very minimal. He is a long way away from me these days. He doesn't seem particularly happy in his new life... but he's still there soooo....

M
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His MLC and my journey
#17: March 23, 2022, 07:16:27 PM
Yes, play stupid games win stupid prizes.  I guess it comes down to how long they can get away with blaming other people.  It seems like some continue to blame forever while others realize that they are the ones to blame.  I would love to know what makes the difference. 
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K
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His MLC and my journey
#18: March 25, 2022, 07:11:04 AM
An example of why detachment is VITAL to the LBS.

XH flipped his lid at me Tuesday night about knowing his closing date. I left it at that. Didn't want to engage. Then yesterday he sends me a text with a picture of a mousepad I made for his dad 15 years ago. It had a photo of his dad and his dog sitting on the beach with BFF at the bottom. It was a sort of gag gift one Christmas. Anyway- he's visiting his dad this week. Couldn't come visit his kids while they were on spring break, but made time to drive three states away and take time off work. BUT that's a different issue.

So he sends me this picture of the mouse pad and says "I was going through dad's things. I found this and I'm not sure why but I thought of you."

This coming from the man that hates me, blames me, won't speak to me about anything including the kids, avoids me like the plague and can't seem to get far enough away from me. And then sends me this. These stupid inconsistent and many times contradictory actions are why DETACHMENT is a must. I just don't have the time or energy for that. And neither should you! Anyway just another day with MLC.
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YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is.  Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?

M
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  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 314
  • Gender: Female
His MLC and my journey
#19: March 25, 2022, 08:24:13 AM
It does go to show the internal confusion is real.  It’s so hard to not get drug into our own confusion as a result of their inconsistent actions.  Mines constantly running hot and cold thinking I’m awful one minute then thanking me profusely for something the next.  I admire your strength and ability to detach.  I’m no where near being able to do it very effectively.  I’m hoping once the divorce is finalized it will help as it should do away with at least some of the contact.  Mine cancels on the kids and then takes vacations( probably with AP) and has time for what he wants to have time for. 
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