Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story His MLC and my journey

K
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 183
  • Gender: Female
My Story His MLC and my journey
#20: March 28, 2022, 08:04:39 AM
Left-

The confusion is completely real. He always speaks with certainty and absolutes...but their actions give them away. Actions speak louder than words...always have and always will.

Journaling-

 I was asked out by a co-worker last week...we serve on a board together and have been working on the same committee since November. He's a great guy and a fantastic dad. He's smart and kind. But I knew instantly I wasn't ready for anything outside a friendship. It didn't feel right in my heart and I knew it wouldn't be fair to him had I said yes. He knows my situation and wasn't pressuring and we had a candid talk about how I didn't think he should want any part of this hot mess right now. He totally got it and things aren't weird. And although I'm not look for another relationship...it was a boost to feel 'wanted' again. I know that if or when the time comes - there will be the option of someone else. And if nothing else, having a new friend is never a bad thing.

I also know that I care for and love my xh. And for now I'm good with that. But it had me wondering, will those feelings ever cease? Will they lessen? Will they go away completely? How will they change and evolve/devolve? That uncertainty and not knowing the future of my own feelings is kind of trippy.

  • Logged
YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is.  Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?

E
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 595
  • Gender: Female
His MLC and my journey
#21: March 28, 2022, 01:02:33 PM
I also know that I care for and love my xh. And for now I'm good with that. But it had me wondering, will those feelings ever cease? Will they lessen? Will they go away completely? How will they change and evolve/devolve? That uncertainty and not knowing the future of my own feelings is kind of trippy.

I’m a bit ahead of you I think Kell and for me this hasn’t changed yet. I wonder the same thing as you. Will it change? I see people saying things like ‘I’m not sure how long I can stand if he/she doesn’t work it out soon’. Like it’s a choice to stay committed to their spouse and their feelings for them are already fading. It’s not that I think that mentality/way of being is wrong. It’s just so alien to me. If I’m honest I’m a little bit envious of it! I’m not sure when I bond with someone it’s a stronger bond than for other people… but my bonds sure do seem tenacious no matter what. Makes it difficult when your head is telling you it’s a bad job, he’s gone and not coming back, and you’d be much happier moving on and starting over but your heart is saying ‘but I miss HIM, I want HIM’. Stoopid heart.
  • Logged
M: 53 (48 @ BD), H: 55 (51 @ BD); Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 24 (19 @ BD), D: 22 (17 @ BD), 'Extra D': 22 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW - he (supposedly) met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her.
Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her (never happens).
May 22: Movement... (likely T&G? Time will tell I guess)
May 23: Yep, definitely a T&G last year. Still have contact but very minimal. He is a long way away from me these days. He doesn't seem particularly happy in his new life... but he's still there soooo....

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12318
  • Gender: Female
His MLC and my journey
#22: March 28, 2022, 04:49:39 PM
Quote from: KellBell on Today at 08:04:39 AM
Quote
I also know that I care for and love my xh. And for now I'm good with that. But it had me wondering, will those feelings ever cease? Will they lessen? Will they go away completely? How will they change and evolve/devolve? That uncertainty and not knowing the future of my own feelings is kind of trippy.

I think it is different for many LBSers and depends perhaps on what kind of marriage you had before BD.

You were married 24 years. I was married 32 and BD was over 13 years ago.

I still love my husband. I have never stopped loving him. Even who he is now.

I also know several other LBSers whose BD was more than 10 years ago, even some who are in other relationships, whose MLCer has remarried and they have told me that they still love their husbands.

I do not think this is unusual. The "divorce" was done to us. The abandonment and rejection and betrayal was done to us. We had no say in any of it and we did not want this. We were willing to work on whatever problem was causing this, but of course we didn't get that chance and it never was a problem with our marriages anyway.

Maybe they are not in love with us anymore, but that doesn't mean that we can turn off the feelings that we have for them. There are memories and deep feelings, good and bad, that continue to impact us.

I see so many couples my age, retired, enjoying life together. I hear friends who "complain" about their husbands being in their way all the time. It was never like that with us....we had a beautiful life together.

Marriage, family, love ...I had it all until I didn't.

He continues to contact me, I enjoy when we are together and sad when those times are over. We still have a lot in common, we still enjoy the same things...but as some other long timers here who talk about their MLCer who cannot connect, when their relationships are superficial and lack any compassion or understanding of our lives..the only thing I can do is "accept" that this is the way my life is.

Life goes on. I have not met any man who I have any desire for and I think that will be the way it will be for me.

I do not think you can force yourself to stop loving your spouse. There are so many ties that join us together that is isn't possible for me to write him off. He is still in my heart.

  • Logged
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

K
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 183
  • Gender: Female
His MLC and my journey
#23: April 05, 2022, 08:16:02 AM
journaling-

I was talking to a friend last night. Our girls go to school together and she's known about everything from the start. She said it's crazy and her and her husband (who were casual friends of ours) still talk about crazy it is. How my xh and I were always together and he was such an active dad. Their minds are blown. Ditto, dear friend.

Through time and therapy - I've really started to narrow down the root of my anger issues.

1) You can divorce me. Leave me. But you don't do that to your kids. There is no excuse for that. No rationalizing or justification for just walking away. There is no way you can spin that and not have people think WTH.  Xh has alot of pain to account for when/if he comes to his senses. It won't be easy for him. Is he up for that? Is he willing to tackle that? Or will he run forever to avoid ever having to deal with it? It's this aspect that I will have the hardest part forgiving him for or coming to terms with. I'll never understand it. How do you hurt your kids and then live with yourself? I can't even imagine. And how lost are you that you think that is the answer?

2) I'm most angry with myself. I'm angry that I trusted him- whole heartedly. I'm angry that I believed in him. That I thought he was a good person. I'm angry that I overlooked his imperfections, because in my eyes he was more than that. No one is perfect and you love someone, faults and all. Right now- He is not a good person. A good person talks to his wife when he's hurting. A good person doesn't hurt their kids. A good person doesn't walk away from a family that loved them. A coward does. A coward runs away. A cowards shies away from consequences. A coward hides away in shame. And that's how I see him right now. As a small sad coward. I miss the man I fell in love with- who was my bestfriend for so many years. Perhaps that where the anger lies...in missing who he was and not being able to process who he is now.

My mind struggles with seeing the man I loved and trusted and knowing that's not him. He's seems like a stranger in so many ways. But on occasion I get a glimpse of a sad struggling man who is trying everything in his power to feel again.

  • Logged
YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is.  Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1707
  • Gender: Female
His MLC and my journey
#24: April 05, 2022, 09:46:10 AM
That is the biggest struggle is the detachment of the kids and the lack of empathy for the relationship on a human level. Now I realize that is the confirmation that he is not well.
Something is seriously wrong. I honestly dont think my XH has the courage to face himself. He has said, If I have to face it I wont make it. That is a person still running.

Kellbell, you remind me of me in the first 6 month when I started. I think I was in shock and denial and everyone thought wow she is doing so good. Then I realized , oh this is really happening? Then the work and pain came on. I think you are there now. Facing the pain and the confusion. There is no making sense out of it except they were not mature enough to handle lifes issues and did not have the coping mechanisms in place to do it in a healthy manner. It really can make a sane person feel insane. Family is everything, so how could someone who once cherished it not see that? They cant see anything. They are spinning out of control with jo direction, so they pick the path of least resistance
  • Logged
There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife

M
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 314
  • Gender: Female
His MLC and my journey
#25: April 05, 2022, 10:29:52 AM
KellBell, I could have written what you wrote.  I’ve had the same things running through my mind.  How they can have such utter disregard for another human that supposedly they have loved for years is not okay.  For whatever reason they can’t handle shining a light on their own demons and emptiness.  It’s hard to fathom.  We’re left with the trauma and baggage to sort through.  Recognizing and owning your own garbage gives you power to craft your own life into what you want.  They fail to realize this truth.  Until they do, they will never find what they seek.  True happiness comes from taking responsibility for and caring for the things you have stewardship over (kids, family, relationships) while the expensive toys and other people may bring momentary pleasure, there isn’t any true joy to be had.  The problem is that when someone drops their bucket of responsibility most of us tend to try and pick it up and carry it.  His bucket is not mine to carry.  I’m not responsible for it even though my natural inclination is to try and take responsibility.  I hate it and it makes me angry for me and my kids and all the others he has hurt. 
  • Logged

K
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 183
  • Gender: Female
His MLC and my journey
#26: April 05, 2022, 11:13:40 AM
Mad and Left-

It's certainly a trip.

Mad-

 I think I'm in a good place. Right now I'm at peace- or at least not spinning or cycling like months ago. I've known from very early on that there are steps and things that will have to happen. He will move away. He will buy a house. We'll divorce. He will start a new life. I know these things have to happen. He has to try all these things (new place, new house, new job responsibilities, new life) as they are part of the process. I'm as ok with that as I can be. I'm just struggling with the hurt. And I know, in the end, I will forgive him. Not because what he did was understandable or right, but as a way for me to let go. There is no way I can hold on to this for years...and I refuse to.

It's just the mind games that fill your head in late hours of the night...a flood of 'what ifs' and 'how will this all end?' I used to think of my xh all the time. I didn't want to and dreaded it in fact because it left me sad. I can go days without thinking of him now. But every so often your mind begins to wander. In the early days- when I couldn't shut off my mind, it gave me a little empathy towards what the MLCer is going through and how they try with all their might to shut off the head games by numbing and running. It can be quite overwhelming.

I think now I'm at the point of trying to fine tune. Get to a point with these last few issues - that I can quit wondering and trying to predict outcomes. It's futile and I know it. I've never been afraid of change, but I think this massive 180 upheaval to our lives was a bit too much. It's like my mind and body are in a place of acceptance and knowing I can do this and get through- push on, grow and heal. But my heart is a slow learner, I fear.

At any point, as an ex-spouse...I'm detached. I honestly wish I could cut all ties to him so we can both figure things out. It's just so hard with minor children (adult children too). Hard to be there for them as a mom, see their hurt, confusion and anger AND it not pull out my own feelings. I want to be there for them- we are an open family and talk openly about everything. I think I'll talk with my therapist about the best way to set comfortable boundaries with the kids. One of the hardest parts to navigate, I think.

I also fully grasp that the random "WTF!?" in regards to this whole situation will pop up for years. There are LBSers on here who years (4-6-10 years) later that are still wondering "What the actual heck!?". So I don't expect for that thought to go away anytime soon. And that's understandable.
  • Logged
YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is.  Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 580
  • Gender: Female
His MLC and my journey
#27: April 09, 2022, 11:48:20 PM
Hi Kellbell, I cannot advise you since I am also not so new here. My BD was in 2019 will be three years ago this coming May.  You sound like you know what you are doing. Everything you said here is right. It’s indeed hard to diver the mind from thinking about the ifs and the shoulds. This is probably part of the detachment process. What I‘ve read here, once you are fully detached the ifs and the shoulds are not important anymore. What your xh is doing is not important anymore either. I also wished so many times to fully block my H from my life but still up to today, the first thing I thinl about when I wake up is him. We will be divorced soon and I‘m just now going through the financial agreement if we ever agree. Hard stuff to swallow but like you said, maybe all these have to happen to find ourselves again. Big hugs coming your way.
  • Logged
Me 43 at BD
H    45 at BD
Married 11 yrs at BD, no kids,
BD May 2019 (I moved out Nov 2019)
EA or PA with ex gf (not sure), H spent 3 nights with the hoe during our vacation in July 2019, it was a friendly encounter according to H
H wanted D April 2020 seeing suspected OW2 (divorced with two kids) and 2 years older than him, H didn’t file the D
Clinging boomerang
6/21 H moved in with me; kicked him out 01/22
H turned into a vanisher, wants a Divorce, OW 3 (16 years younger and extreme sporty)
14.11.22 Divorce final, I'm done

K
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 183
  • Gender: Female
His MLC and my journey
#28: April 13, 2022, 07:08:46 AM
MLC musings-

xh hasn't texted D10 in over a month and hasn't physically talked to her since his visit in the middle of January. She got a text lastnight- How are you doing? How is school? How is softball? Love you, dad

We were experiencing severe thunderstorms lastnight and the tornado sirens were going off so we had to hang out in the basement for a bit until things passed. We were down there when he texted- so D10 texted him back about the tornado sirens/warnings, hail and high winds and how we were in the basement. She mentioned she was worried, something about the dogs and some other stuff about school. It ended up being a whole paragraph with a radar picture. He texts back and hour later. "Glad your safe. Love you."

She was crushed. Literally threw her ipad on the couch, got up and left the room, mumbling "Really!? That's it!?"

And all I can do is shake my head. How does any parent just not feel or care or concern themselves with their kids? How do you not ask follow up questions or call her or comfort her? How do feel that is a normal response? How do you live with yourself having only texted less than 20 words to her in 5 weeks and not heard her voice in over 3 months? So so crazy. And all you can really do is just shake your head.
  • Logged
YOU keep interrupting his crisis. YOU keep him distracted with all your questions, statements and observations. YOU keep him from facing himself, from feeling the pain of missing his family (until he is ready to do something about it...or not ). YOU are keeping him from fully feeling and facing the man he is.  Leave him 100% to his own devices and crisis ...100% shut it all down.  Bow out...its not about you! I sometimes feel they have stranded themselves on some deserted island. They have done that to themselves as a result of their own actions, choices, behaviors. They need to figure out how to get off the island...the messy painful island they put themselves on. Stop taking him fresh water, food, homemade baking, clean clothes etc....why would he try to make himself better?

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12318
  • Gender: Female
His MLC and my journey
#29: April 13, 2022, 09:24:18 AM
Quote
How does any parent just not feel or care or concern themselves with their kids? How do you not ask follow up questions or call her or comfort her? How do feel that is a normal response? How do you live with yourself having only texted less than 20 words to her in 5 weeks and not heard her voice in over 3 months?

This is not a normal response. Which is "typical" and why I believe MLC is a real thing...because normal fathers protect , love and value their children.

The cold and short messages are almost like an obligatory response.."there see I answered but this is all I have in me to say". I don't know if they have any sense at all of how hurtful these robotic text messages are.

Because we are the "normal" ones....we recoil from such superficial words.

As so often is the case when I read what others write about the interactions of their spouses with them and their children, the type of responses from the MLCer are uncannily familiar.

Sometimes, it is better not to hear from them at all.It feels like a "ghost" writing that has no heart or soul.
  • Logged
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.