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Author Topic: My Story MLC ShmemLC

t
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My Story MLC ShmemLC
OP: July 31, 2022, 05:11:27 PM
Wow a whole new thread, I can't believe it!  Thank you all -- it is great to have such a fantastic forum family.  So, I was watching Legally Blonde tonight (made my son watch with me, lol). It struck me that Elle got dumped, was miserable and followed Warner to law school to get him back. In this whole process, she betters herself, becomes a success and wins the law case at the end. Warner wants her back---too late!  She has grown, found success and a new guy.  Hmmmm, there's a lesson in here somewhere :)

I hope you're all having a great night!!

PS Tsun- your thread too! :) Naming the thread (harder than you think-haha!)

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11942.0
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« Last Edit: August 02, 2022, 03:17:49 AM by Thunder »

J
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#1: July 31, 2022, 07:10:38 PM
Great thread title!
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Everything has a beginning and an end. Life is just a cycle of stops and starts. They're ends we don't desire, but they're inevitable and we have to face them. That's what being human is all about.  -Jet Black, Cowboy Bebop

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#2: July 31, 2022, 08:28:19 PM
Excellent title, attaching to continue following your journey.
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t
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#3: August 01, 2022, 05:25:57 AM
Thanks JohnnyBravo and Curiosity!!  It made me laugh (my favorite coping strategy) :D

Some small updates.  H has been texting a good amount.  Has been free about using the word "we" which he was very careful not to do in the beginning.  I am friendly and match his tone.  Aren't we just BFF's.  I know it's a good thing but honestly it feels a little sh*tty to be "the bigger person" (ugh, I just hate being the bigger person lol) and be friendly.  I mean let's face it his behavior doing this whole thing to me deserves a punch in the face ---but he gets to be "friends" which is better than he deserves (does that sound terrible?) Those are my feelings. However, he is the father of my child, and we still have a business working relationship, so I know it is the smart thing to do.  Anywho, just playing this whole thing out.

In the meanwhile, I have been feeling pretty good.  I hope that continues because I've been here before and have taken steps back --however I know this is a 1 step forward, 2 step back kind of thing.   I am moving on with my life-- I have been listening to an audiobook (thanks Tsun for the recommendation) and it says that this is a big moment in your life but should not define it (something like that).  I 100% agree.  I don't want this to be my whole story and I've been changing my narrative as this springboards me to move forward.  So that is it for now.  I hope everyone has a great week!
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« Last Edit: August 01, 2022, 05:40:09 AM by thissucks7788 »

T
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#4: August 01, 2022, 06:36:33 PM
I think I'm also attaching? What does this mean and/or how do I do this?

Such a funny title TS! Humour will (partially) get us through this.

In your writings, I can tell that you've been doing well lately, which makes me happy. I also think that early on you had a good sense of what to do, and what not to do, which likely helped. I think that as we heal we continue to move towards new baselines of sadness/happiness. Then, each time we fall down again, we return to the newest one. So, even though we fall, we don't return to that place of despair that we were in initially. For instance, I actually spent some time crying today, but it felt different. I didn't feel panicked, hopeless, and mentally and physically broken like in the beginning. Instead, it was more of a necessary cry if that makes sense.

As always I recognize what you are saying, this time about being the bigger person. Prior to the big BD my h and I communicated in a similar fashion and, after everything he had done (and was doing), this was really difficult. There were many unpleasant thoughts that went unsaid and untyped. So, I know how hard it is to keep those in. Feel free to keep joking about your h here  ;). At this point, the mental picture I have of him is that of a man who's galloping in and out of his tiny apartment, which has no furniture or food, only work out machines and supplements  ;D.

Glad you like the Trust Again book. You likely know that she also has a website. On it, she has a blog and one of her postings is a letter to the betrayer. I find it very powerful and if I ever sensed my h was open to it (insert a few eye rolls here because of me saying this lol), I might send it. Anyway, I recommend reading it because it validates our feelings and we do not get this validation from the people that hurt us. In addition, it offers the betrayer a roadmap forward.

Anyway, now I have also officially initiated your (our  ;)) new thread. I am very proud that we survived the first one together!
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t
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#5: August 02, 2022, 06:59:15 AM
Hey Tsun--welcome to our new thread :)  I'm so glad you like the name!  I'm always trying to find the funny in everything and frankly the MLC behavior is so stupid and ridiculous that it deserves this title.  Here's another Nan gem-- "If you can laugh at it, you can live with it!"

I'm so sorry that you cried the other day but sometimes it really makes you feel better.  It seems like progress though that the cry felt different.  I know what you mean when you say that.  It's better to get it out than to hold it back--- I keep quoting from the Trust book, but remember she mentions not to numb or try to bypass your feelings.  As you told me too, hard now, easy later.  Speaking of the book, I never did check out her website.  I think I will do that, and I want to check out the letter you spoke about.  It always feels good to be validated and our H's have hurt us so much.  I know no matter how decent I'm feeling these days, there is still anger that bubbles right below the surface. (and I do mean right below, like directly under)  I suspect just like you-- if/when D is in progress our "happy little cordial relationship" will turn.  I read once that marriage is all about love and divorce is all about money.  Seems a recipe for things to get ugly...but I'll cross that bridge (or jump off that bridge) when I get there.

LOL to H galloping out of his small workout bachelor pad with his supplements.  I said to him when he was leaving that he is not going to end up having either woman (and I use that term loosely for his practical teenager that he was pursuing-- and not getting btw. Just throwing that in there) That he would be sitting alone in his apartment with his juice!  I don't know if your H did this, but my H would spend hours juicing vegetables etc... So I was dealing with the coveted "workout" and also the juicing. Buying vegetables, washing vegetables, cutting up vegetables. It's surprising he found any time at all to pursue anyone else! And here's the kicker-- I found a list on his phone of "fun things to do" ideas that he could do with the newly minted 20-year-old-- for me and my son.. he was "too busy" or "on a tight schedule".  This pissed me off to no end. 

On a different note- what is going on with 90-day fiancé?  Any more with the middle-aged guy and the very young woman? That just cracked me up-- that he was too immature for her, LOL!  Also, I think you are in the midst of a few days off (yay)...how are they going?  I hope you and your son are doing well. I know he is going to be off for quite a few weeks and I hope you're able to get some help with babysitting since we can't rely on our H's to be grown ups (once again, inserting eye roll here).  Wishing you guys a good week! :) :) :)  (As always happy emojis!!)
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t
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#6: August 02, 2022, 01:00:16 PM
Some small updates.  H has been texting a good amount.  Has been free about using the word "we" which he was very careful not to do in the beginning.  I am friendly and match his tone.  Aren't we just BFF's.  I know it's a good thing but honestly it feels a little sh*tty to be "the bigger person" (ugh, I just hate being the bigger person lol) and be friendly.  I mean let's face it his behavior doing this whole thing to me deserves a punch in the face ---but he gets to be "friends" which is better than he deserves (does that sound terrible?) Those are my feelings. However, he is the father of my child, and we still have a business working relationship, so I know it is the smart thing to do.  Anywho, just playing this whole thing out.

This is so spot on! Exactly the thing I’m struggling with aswell..

I’m attaching to your thread :-)
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Together for 15 years, married for 4 years
H: 33, me: 33, D: 1,5
BD: april '22 (EA + 'I want to live alone, have no responsibilities')
Left home: june '22
Divorce final: october '22

“They didn’t cheat because of who you are. They chose to cheat because of who they’re not.” ~ Charles J. Orlando

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#7: August 02, 2022, 04:06:17 PM
Hi titleholder!

Right?  It is so hard to be pleasant and friendly.  I'm just gritting my teeth and doing it. Let's just say it's a good thing that my H can't read minds, lol!!

Thank you for attaching to the thread. I don't even know what that means, but I like it!!! :) :)
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« Last Edit: August 02, 2022, 04:17:13 PM by thissucks7788 »

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#8: August 03, 2022, 05:43:42 PM
TS & Titleholder, so annoying, I experienced this again myself today, ugh! I needed my h to do something so I had to message him. He responded right away, no monstering, but it was still annoying because our situation is so bizarre and I felt like we were acting like everything was oke. Then we had a school meeting about our s (virtual) and he showed up, more ugh! He KNOWS NOTHING about his kid (because he's NEVER there), yet he shows up, probably to keep up the dad facade. So, I'm right there with you!

OMG TS, the juicing lol. No, my h and I did try a juice fast once and I lasted 1 day, while he lasted 2  ;D. Your h sure does take his health seriously (insert many eye rolls). And that list! (more eye rolls) That's equally infuriating as ridiculous, wow! Does she still work for him?

No real updates on the 90-day fiancee guy  ;), I watched one season of the show and then I had enough. I will say that lately, every show I'm watching seems to include some type of MLC, betrayal, divorce, etc. Or maybe I'm just now noticing it? I did order Britbox on amazon because I absolutely love British shows (and I don't have cable).

Thank you for asking about my son and me (can you show my h how to do that?  :)). We are doing surprisingly well. During the phase that I now call limbo, I hated vacation time, probably because I was feeling depressed, and worried, and could not get my mind to stop. Now, however, I find that I'm loving it again. I live in an urban area next to a major city so there are lots of things to do (Still not feeling ready for a trip). We are also being very lazy, lots of doordash, sleeping in and naps :-). I am of course handling it all on my own, but I am starting to feel more encouraged and hopeful about my solo parenting. Having said that, I don't think my s is getting the level of involved parenting that he needs, which is not fair, but that's on m h.

I think there was a discussion about this on the other thread, but I do not for the life of me understand how a father can abandon his child. On one of the MLC explanation threads, common excuses were discussed and one of them was "It's not abandonment because I still support him financially." I think my h lives by this one.

Anyway, enough about him, how are you doing this week?
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t
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#9: August 03, 2022, 06:40:13 PM
Hey Tsun,
Great update!  I am actually surprised to hear that H responded back immediately to your message and showed up at the virtual meeting for s's school.  Are those things out of character for the "new" him?  I thought he has pretty much been involved like zero.  So maybe I'm not remembering correctly but if so-- I think it is interesting.  Perhaps a new phase?  You're probably right though about the dad facade.  I think they tell themselves certain things to rationalize that they are still being a good husband/father etc... I just learned about Cognitive dissonance, and I think this may fall into this category if I'm understanding the concept correctly.  For example, my H said he never crossed a moral line b/c he never touched the other "woman" (Like he had a choice, lol). He also said he would have broken up with me first before physically doing anything (awe, how sweet, I'm touched-NOT).  So just like you said about giving financial support, so they think they are not abandoning their family.

That is great progress that you're loving the vacation time again and bonus to getting more comfortable with solo parenting.  I really believe you just start to get into a new normal after a while.  Nothing wrong with sleeping in, door dash, naps etc... I could go for a little bit of that myself.  How cool that you live by a major city so if you decide to go out and do things, you will have lots of options.  Interesting that you don't have cable.  Xfinity raised their rates and I think I may try to "cut the cord".  I'm nervous to do it though, lol.  However, I think it is time.  Enjoy Britbox!  I hear what you're saying about MLC's all over TV.  Apparently (although I didn't see it) there is a show called Uncoupled on that everyone says screams MLC. 

I'm doing okay this week--not too much new to report. I have been slowly collecting financial documents (I'm doing what you said about using the date of separation so looking for March statements).  I have no idea if it will come to D or not.  Most seem to so I want to be prepared for whatever happens.  Other than that, no real drama and like you just getting used to the new normal.  Still going out and GALing, but overall feeling more settled into a routine.  I still wake up in the a.m. though and wonder wtf happened. I suspect it will be with me for a long time.

Anyway, I hope the school meeting with s went well (those meetings with the school can be tricky).  I feel like even though this sucks that we are both making forward progress.  Quick story before I wrap up...A few days ago, I was walking with my neighbor and a beautiful monarch butterfly crossed our path and was hanging around us.  I took a picture of it.  Today in front of my kitchen window another beautiful monarch butterfly flew across.  Without getting too wacky, I sort of felt like that was a sign of good things to come.  At least that's the story I'm sticking with. :) :)

Have a great rest of the week! xo
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« Last Edit: August 03, 2022, 06:42:38 PM by thissucks7788 »

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#10: August 04, 2022, 07:28:19 PM
Hi TS,

What a lovely story about your meeting with the butterflies. I once heard (or read) that when you come across a butterfly, it's a deceased loved one communicating with you. I thought about this when I read your experience. We could use ancestral support right now. Related to this, I am visiting a psychic medium on Monday. He comes well recommended and in light of the summer of yes, I thought I'd give it a try. I'll keep you posted.

Regarding my h responding and showing up at the school meeting, this is not unusual for the 'new' him. He never contacts us but seems quick to reply when I reach out. I just stopped doing this because the last few texts I sent were met with emails that were 4/5 paragraphs long (and not kind). I honestly do not know why he shows up for the school meetings, he never contributes anything, and didn't even have his camera on. Luckily the meeting went well and my son is set for the next year.

There is definitely some serious cognitive dissonance going on. I am familiar with the concept and learned about it in light of hazing in college fraternities. The idea is that behaviour and thoughts need to be aligned or we feel out of whack. So, if we behave a certain way, it must be because we feel or think a certain way, for instance "I went through this horrible hazing experience, so I must really want to be in this fraternity."

This time I call BS on your h's.... 'moral line.' So, he had feelings for someone else and pursued her, without telling you any of this (two moral lines crossed here), but! because he would have left you (moral line number 3), if things were to get physical, he was not in the wrong? Well, applause for your him ::) ::) ::). Do these men hear themselves talk? You might find Freud's theory on defensive mechanisms an additional interesting read, it relates nicely to this.

In any case, reality does not align with what they tell themselves (and us). Just to illustrate this point I will again insert my h's comment that he "is a great dad and nobody can tell him otherwise" here  ::) ::) ::).

In closing and in light of the summer of yes, I finally did trivia this week. My team consisted of myself and all men, otherwise  :). I had a lot of fun and they invited me back. So far, saying yes to new things never disappoints.

Do you have any new events planned?  :)
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t
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#11: August 05, 2022, 10:23:46 AM
Omg Tsun, that is great with the trivia night!!  I love that it was you and all guys :)  Dr. Phil would call that a target rich environment, lol.  Not that you have to be ready for a relationship but at least to keep your skill fresh, lol.  Massive Summer of Yes, success!!! Keep this thing going.

How cool that you're going to a psychic and can't wait to hear all about it!  I actually broke out my tarot cards a few months back just for entertainment purposes, I'm not Madame Thisucks, lol or anything but it was really fun.  I did it b/c my neighbor wanted a reading.  I lit a candle and hammed the whole thing up and we were hysterical.  She wanted a love reading and the actual final card was The Lovers so she was convinced  ;D

Your H keeps his camera off during the school meeting, lol.  Good grief- I wonder what he is hiding.  The most important thing though is that you got your son's schedule all set for the school year and that is the bottom line.  I might get laughed at for this question but why not... do you look fantastic at this meeting when he sees you?  Not that you want him back as he is now but let him see what he is missing.  Just my 2cents (whether you want it or not, lol).  I make sure I am all looking fab when I have to see my H.

Oh yeah, def. calling BS on my H's moral line. Total crap but yes I laugh at their "reasoning".  It is beyond silly and ridiculous.  Glad you called him out too :)

All is well here-- yesterday my son made dinner for me (huge win!) and we watched a movie together-- sort of a mother/son date night.  I said to my mom that my son is acting like my husband and my husband is acting like my son.  It's crazy.  I feel like that movie Freaky Friday where mother and daughter change bodies.  It's like that.

I have heard that too about the butterflies, and we can totally use ancestral support.  Maybe my Nan as I sure have been talking about her a lot lately.  I asked my one cousin about the mushroom barley soup, and she only had a Nan veg. soup recipe.  Looks like I'll have to keep searching for that magic soup, lol!! 

Hope you have a great day!!
xo
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J
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#12: August 05, 2022, 01:04:23 PM
This is just my experience,  but it's when you don't give a $h!tee about what you look like, or behave like or are perceived like , that your life takes a turn for the positive . Ladies, they are very faulty creatures right now, don't turn yourselves inside out and upside down for them. You will just be feeding the mlc narcissist in them. They can smell it , see it  and feel it and it only feeds there huge ego.  Be real, be yourself , don't worry about upsetting the apple cart and see it, live it and tell it the way it is.

Just my 2 cents from an old Lbs veteran.
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t
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#13: August 05, 2022, 01:29:24 PM
Hi Jagger! Thanks for chiming in. You’re not wrong, but I’m definitely not there yet. I’m living like he’s never coming back and moving on with my life, but I read a letter from a MLCer who had an interesting perspective on his wife while he was going through it. He said that no matter what, she always treated him with kindness and respect whenever she saw him. Also, he said she always looked amazing and he definitely noticed. He pointed out that she was never a doormat though and made sure her and her son got what they needed. They did reconcile . So, that did stick with me. However, I definitely get your point about it being much better when you just don’t care anymore. I suspect at a certain time, that might be my feelings as well. I have done a great deal of detaching, but I’m not at the not caring point yet. I suspect it will be a huge relief once that point comes.
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« Last Edit: August 05, 2022, 01:48:50 PM by thissucks7788 »

J
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#14: August 05, 2022, 01:47:37 PM
Well, from an Lbs prospective.  That would be me...and you can check out my threads..that just burns me. It infuriates me as well.. she was kind and always looked great? If she was all this because it's who she is..fantastic,  she is being herself. But if she did it for him ( a betraying ,cruel abandoning narcissist) then she just hooked an mlc man in the most perverse  and shallow vapid way. Is that what you would want? Don't answer to me. Ask yourself that question.

Hugs,

Jagger
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t
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#15: August 05, 2022, 01:50:40 PM
Okay Jagger, I'll check out your thread! From a quick look at your status, it says that you're rebuilding your marriage.  Have you reconciled with your H? 
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« Last Edit: August 05, 2022, 02:05:56 PM by thissucks7788 »

J
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#16: August 05, 2022, 02:30:26 PM
Actually completely reconciled for years now.  In every day life strangely its like it never happened.  But it did..so there is always and will always be a veil of dark history in our family.  Most likely  my kids will eventually tell their partners  and their kids will find out  and so on and so forth. Not pretty at all. Not what I expected in life .

Do not waste your energy and your light on the mlcer. Put that all into your kids and/or family and friends. There is nothing you can do to change their trajectory in life but a lot you can do for you and the people closest and dearest to you.

Hugs
Jagger
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t
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#17: August 05, 2022, 02:36:44 PM
Wise words Jagger.  Interesting perspective from someone who's been there, done that and even reconciled.   :) I've read that there is nothing you can do to change their journey...I do want to look back at my own actions and feel good about how I handled myself.  At this point (5 months out) I'm feeling reasonably good.
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J
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#18: August 05, 2022, 03:05:38 PM
That's all you can do..but more importantly you need to keep your guards up when  it comes to your finances and keep your feet firmly on the ground while the mlcer tries to take you on his roller-coaster.

Hugs,
Jagger
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T
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#19: August 05, 2022, 06:18:33 PM
TS, a target-rich environment, as in a potential date?  ;D I'll admit that I enjoyed their attention and could see how it would be fun to go on an incidental date. Having said that, I'm turning 'the summer of yes' into 'the year of me,' because I really need to be on my own for a while.

Jumping in on the discussion about how to look, behave, etc, this has been my experience thus far: Initially, my self-esteem was crushed so what did I do, I bought a new wardrobe, got my hair and nails done, and worked on perfecting my make-up. As a result, I felt more seen, but the effects of this external validation never lasted long because it didn't fix the hurt I had deep down inside of me. After some time passed, I started reading more self-help books and actively working on re-building my self-esteem from the inside (an ongoing process). With that, I have discovered that I like dressing nice, putting on make-up, and getting my nails done, but when I do, I try to do it for ME. As I said, work in progress..

TS, your son sounds like a great kid, cooking for you, and watching movies with you. The comment that your h and son switched roles is sad and hilarious at the same time, so true!

Your Nan has definitely been brought to the forefront lately, maybe she'll visit with me during my meeting with the psychic and reveal the barley soup recipe  :).

So cool that you can read Tarot cards! I still have a set myself, but never learned how to do it! Can you lay the cards for us on the forum?  ;) I need guidance for sure.

Any plans for the weekend?


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t
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#20: August 05, 2022, 07:49:08 PM
Hey Tsun!
The year of me is fantastic! I agree about the no dating by the way, because I know personally that my emotional state would not be ready for something like that. However, I still don’t think it’s a bad idea to keep some flirting skills sharp,😃

I hear what you’re saying about working on yourself outside versus inside. I have always been a make up wearing, hair highlighting kind of gal myself even before all this. Somehow though, I never did get into getting my nails done. Maybe I’ll go for that.😊 I definitely feel more confident when I think I look good. You’re right though, it does not fix what is broken inside. That is why I like the book that you recommended and I am looking to work and focus on myself and no longer read  or focus on MLC or H’s journey. Your self-esteem can definitely take a beating after everything that has happened.  I suspect that’s a normal reaction.

Re: Tarot cards— I only know how to do a major arcana reading and I need the book to tell me what the cards mean. It is so much fun and I’ll have to try a reading for us.  I wonder if it would work though as I think the person is supposed to shuffle the deck while asking a question.  Hopefully the psychic on Monday will reveal some interesting things. Lol to my Nan and the soup recipe coming through.

Unfortunately, my tennis class was canceled again for tomorrow due to the heat. It sucks though, because I feel pretty great after running around and socializing. It was a winning combination. I really don’t have too much planned for this weekend, so that has good and bad. I think I’m going to try to clean and organize my house. I remember that you said you like to do that so maybe you can inspire me. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I sometimes will watch some YouTube videos to motivate me to organize and clear out some stuff.

Speaking of House, did you ever go on that apartment tour? I know you were just going to take a look just in case. It’s a mixed feeling thing… It’s hard to leave behind the old, but interesting to think about a fresh start.  Has your son started his vacation yet? Have you thought of anything that you would like to do during that time?

Enjoy your weekend!😃😀
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#21: August 05, 2022, 10:53:21 PM
I really liked watching Marie Kondo's programme on organising your house and space and how she thinks about possesions place in our lives.
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#22: August 06, 2022, 02:35:33 AM
Thanks Biscuit!! I’ll have to check that out.  I definitely need inspiration to get started. Her name sounds very familiar… I think she has some kind of method or something with organizing. I vaguely remember a YouTuber talking about her when she was folding some of her clothes in a drawer, something like that.  Great suggestion!! :)
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#23: August 06, 2022, 04:45:23 AM
Yes, she has a very particular way of folding clothes! It really does work though.
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#24: August 06, 2022, 07:23:46 AM
Thanks Biscuit, I'm going to check her out!!
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#25: August 06, 2022, 09:36:50 AM
I got inspired to organize after I watched the documentary Less is Now from the Minimalists. I then started listening to their podcast and also attended a live recording, highly recommend it!
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#26: August 06, 2022, 01:38:38 PM
Wow Tsun- I just watched the trailer for it and it looks great! I like how it said if you just even threw out one thing a day for a month it would make a huge difference. I actually went through my make up today and got rid of a lot of stuff. I’m gonna try to keep going with this. I worked on my kitchen yesterday. Thank you Biscuit and Tsun for the inspiration!
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#27: August 06, 2022, 02:09:49 PM
Glad you were inspired! I find that it's not just about getting rid of things, it's about what you make room for when you have less 'stuff' to worry about. I may watch the documentary again tonight as I need some inspiration with regards to my closet. The Minimalists always dress the same. Just imagine how much brain space that would free up!

TS, I do recommend getting your nails done, especially your feet :-). I see this as a major treat, some time to myself, while I get pampered.

The medium just emailed me and asked me to, in preparation for my session on Monday, ask my loved ones to meet me and offer me guidance, insight, and closure. I like this thought.

Regarding the apartment, I did look at it. Initially, I really loved it, but then a family walked in for a tour and they reminded me so much of us (when we were looking for an apartment 5 years ago) and I got pretty sad. It just hits at unexpected times, doesn't it? My son also indicated that he doesn't want to move and I want to respect his wishes. Ultimately, we may not have a choice though and it's nice to know there are options out there that work for us.

My son indeed has vacation and I am really enjoying my time with him. Having said that, I think he spends way too much time on the electronics right now, but it's difficult for me to do everything I need to do, otherwise. My son does not really engage in any activities independently, besides electronics, unfortunately. It makes me resent my h because, had he done his share of parenting, this would have been so much better for our son.

Since you are also doing the bulk of parenting, how are you managing to balance work, chores, mental and physical health and parenting?
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#28: August 06, 2022, 03:13:55 PM
One of the positives, and there are not many, of moving out of the family home is I've got so much less s$£t in terms of possessions in my life. They are all at the old family home and I actually prefer it that way, I like an uncluttered clean home. I've got a lot of clothes here, as I've always liked clothing and have kept most of what I've bought over the years. But other than that and my music and work equipment I've got very little and I think I prefer it that way.
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#29: August 06, 2022, 06:28:49 PM
Good point Biscuit.  I just started going through some of my things today.  I hope to not have to move...I think I'll be able to stay in my home, but I want to change it up and simplify.  Like you said uncluttered and clean.  You guys have given me good motivation, thank you!!

Tsun- Definitely yes to the pedicure-- that is one thing I really do like. It's the manicure I never seem to do.  It feels like it chips in a day, but I may go for it anyway and try out a bold color (which is something I never do-- taking my own advice about uncertainty, lol).

I know what you mean about seeing the family in the apartment and sparking memories that make you sad.  I think that is an additional reason that I'm looking to change up my home.  I have to do it on a budget but I want it to look different almost like a fresh start.  I can understand why your son would not be interested in moving-- change is hard.  I've never been good with change so I totally get it.  Sometimes you're right though there just is no choice.

How am I balancing everything?-- well I'll just give a big LOL. I've def. had my share of meltdowns which leads to resentment of H and his bachelor lifestyle.  However, than I just do what I can and remind myself that everything doesn't have to be taken care of right now.  I have accepted that things are going to be less than perfect and I have to make peace with that.  I just try to cover the basics...son healthy and fed, bring in money for bills etc...  I will say though it makes me crazy when additional things happen (as opposed to the normal millions of other things that need to be taken care of).  For example, toilet got stopped up shortly after H left and I'm sitting there plunging and melting down.  My tub needed to be re-caulked and just the other day my oven hood broke. I'm just doing in one by one (obviously toilet had to be dealt with immediately).   I also found a local guy who will cut my lawn for not a lot of money.  I call him (not to his face, lol) my outdoor husband.  I love this guy.  He takes care of my lawn and cuts any vines, bushes.  I also had him fix the latch on my fence.  I am so grateful for him. My neighbor liked it so much that she uses my outdoor husband too.  In fact I couldn't get a handyman to come in to caulk and guess who came through--outdoor husband for not expensive.  I did tell him that I just needed "husband grade" work.  My H used to do these things. Although if I'm being honest, he was doing less and less over the past couple of years anyway.  So that is how it is going.  Do you have any good ideas?  I'm so open.  Hard to juggle everything when H just ups and leaves.  For self care, I try to listen to things I enjoy at night before bed.  Also squeeze in a walk and tennis on Saturday mornings.

So glad you're enjoying some time with your son. All the kids are on their electronics too much, my son included.  Do what you gotta do to make it through, imo.  We are only one person and human :)

Anyway, I hope you're having a good weekend.  3 million degrees here so not much outside stuff happening.  xo   

PS Good luck with the medium- can't wait to hear!
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« Last Edit: August 06, 2022, 06:51:40 PM by thissucks7788 »

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#30: August 10, 2022, 06:32:44 AM
Checking back in! How is the organizing going?

So, I went to see the medium and it was an interesting experience  ;). I did not leave feeling convinced that he was able to speak to my ancestors and spirit guides, nevertheless, he gave good advice. He told me that the next two years will be a necessary period of transformation and I should not get distracted by falling in love. Makes sense. According to him, it will get really busy, particularly with people to interact with. He further said that my career is on the right track (brief summary). Unfortunately, my h will not play a big role in my son's life and we will end up getting a D. The medium said that it was still necessary for my h and I to have met in order to learn important lessons and to create our son. According to him, there had been a lot of love, but it had fizzled out. He also said my h was damaged in childhood and will never again be able to fully commit to a relationship. I, on the other hand, will find a better, and longer-lasting, new love  :) :). He also gave me some messages from my ancestors that, true or not, were very positive and sweet. Their main message was that they're not concerned about me because I am very resilient and everything is unfolding as it should.

He kept talking about a person with the letters MA, but this did not ring a bell for me. Maybe your nan?  ;)

Overall, it was an interesting experience. Have always wanted to visit a psychic and now I can scrape that off my list  :).

Ts how is your week going so far? The same question for everyone else reading here, feel free to join in!

Oh and TS, have you tried gel nails? These last a lot longer. Also, I need to get myself some in and out door husbands!
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#31: August 10, 2022, 02:27:47 PM
Wow Tsun, that is so interesting. Sounds like a really good reading.   Smart suggestion not to get involved in a relationship for a while as we are still making sense out of what happened.  Not to mention lingering hurts and feelings.  Good to know that you have another great love out there :)  I agree that you seem very resilient... I can tell from a lot of what you write and do. If you look back at our original journaling, we have def. made some real progress and it's really not been so long (it just feels that way!) Overall interesting reading with your career, H, son and lessons.

M.A.  -My Nan's name is Mildred Abend.  How weird is that! I laughed out loud when I read those initials.

Sounds like it was a really fun experience!!  Cross it off of the bucket list :)

Organizing is going slow but pretty good so far.  I had a horrible sock drawer that needed to be dealt with and I threw out a ton of them.  So ridiculous but I'm now proud of that drawer- organized and color coded!  It feels good to make small improvements.  So that is a win.  However, this week I'm feeling a little stuck.  Still not ready to file for D-- not only for emotional reasons but work and money involved too. I just don't want to do it. I feel like I have enough on my plate with work, my son and the house.  In fact, I have an appliance guy here now as the  oven hood broke and needs to be replaced, ugh. (too much for indoor husband)  On the other hand, I feel a bit stuck on this side of things as well.  So, I don't really know what to do and am standing still in some ways.  Other than that, things are status quo for the most part. 

Yes, you def. need an indoor/outdoor husband. I hope that guy never leaves me, lol.  And I will have to try gel nails. I've heard that they are really good, but I never got into the manicure scene.  Maybe I'll dive into uncertainty and try something new :)

Have a great week Tsun!! :)xo
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« Last Edit: August 10, 2022, 02:48:59 PM by thissucks7788 »

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#32: August 10, 2022, 03:28:00 PM
TS, your nan, no way!! I don't even know what to say in response to that!

Glad you got your sock drawer organized, and I totally understand the pride associated with it. I cleaned up a desk the other day and am beaming with pride every time I walk into the room it stands in  ;).

Regarding feeling stuck, it sounds like you are not ready to make a big decision and that is okay. Perhaps you need more time, more information, a conversation with your h, or something else entirely. I do think that despite feeling like you are stuck, you are progressing. I mean, could you have imagined cleaning up a sock drawer and getting excited about that, say two months ago? I too read some of 'our' old treads today and progress is clearly visible.

Nevertheless, it's just all very tough, no way around it. I played trivia again yesterday and all of a sudden I really missed my h. I saw a couple having fun at the bar and remembered how that used to be us. Now I'm doing all these things on my own and sometimes I just don't like that at all.

Despite that, let's continue the summer of yes, get those gel nails and be sure to get a very funky colour, no point in spending your time and money if you don't  ;). Mine are dark blue right now  :).
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#33: August 11, 2022, 12:08:01 AM
Sparkles. Nails need sparkles. Nothing helps get you unstuck like sparkles. ;D
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#34: August 11, 2022, 06:29:54 PM
LOL, OffRoad. I just had sparkles on my toes!!  I totally went for it.  I put a sparkle color called confetti on top of a pink color. I am usually much more conservative but lately I've been throwing caution to the wind-haha!!  You know I just took it off about a week ago because it was chipping.  That explains why I suddenly feel stuck :)   The magic sparkles are gone :)  Tsun-I actually have blue on my toes right now.  Not a dark blue, but blue nonetheless.  Only on this forum can we have things like sparkles, sock drawers and mushroom barley soup to make us feel better:) 

Speaking of doing things differently (and this will make you laugh) but this is really a big deal for me.  I have been wanting to cut the cord with cable for about 2 years now.  I have always been too scared to do this (I know that's lame!)  I figured though I am getting through my H walking out and leaving me alone to handle the house, my work and my son, so I can certainly handle this.  What is the worst thing that can happen.  So, I ordered a Roku and so far, so good.  I have 2 more coming and then I am saying Hasta Levista to cable.  I know this sounds silly but I'm excited about this.

I have also started to log my expenses and put them on a spreadsheet.  I want to make sure that I have my financials in order, so I'm prepared for any D scenario.  I've had enough of being caught off guard. So far I got through one year.  I hope that is enough.  It was a little painful when I logged the check for the security deposit for my H's apartment.  In fact, I hated logging the whole month of March as it caused bad memories and feelings.  So yes Tsun I can see where things can just trigger you.  Sometimes you feel like you've really made progress, but something happens, and it sets you back (like you seeing couples having fun together at the bar).  I've noticed like you said in the past though, that you don't usually go back to the original level of feeling bad and you re-coup faster. 

Anyway, not too much to report. Just organizing, Roku"ing", tennis"ing" parenting and working.  I hope you're all having a good week-- tomorrow- Friday-- TGIF!!
xo
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« Last Edit: August 11, 2022, 06:31:55 PM by thissucks7788 »

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#35: August 14, 2022, 05:56:51 PM
Journaling to get out some bad feelings:

I had a very angry day today.  Triggered by having some issues with my teenage son.  Nothing dramatic but the realization once again that H left me alone to deal with everything while he goes off and plays teenager.  Literally just picked his sorry butt up almost 6 months ago and walked out on us with no arguments happening, no reason given, no discussion, no working on anything, just bye.  Left alone to take care of our home, our child and deal with my own grief after being completely blindsided. 

Like usual on Sunday nights, H texts to just shoot the breeze like we're long-lost buddies and that he deserves my friendship. Not giving it to him tonight.  I cut him short.  Who behaves like this with someone you claimed to ever love?  I really hate him today. So disgusted with the selfish entitled people in my life.  I hope tomorrow will be a better day.
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#36: August 14, 2022, 10:02:57 PM
Thissucks, oh I can totally relate to those feelings.  I’ve had a lot recently.  I feel like it’s taken almost a year for the anger to really come.  There have been several instances lately I’ve been so angry that I was left holding everything while he’s out being irresponsible and selfish. 
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#37: August 14, 2022, 11:23:34 PM
I think that for me, the anger peaked about 9 months in. Each story is unique, each of us is unique… but I think that probably for all of us, the process is layered and complex. The sadness comes in layers, and so does the sense of “I’ve finally detached and can focus on me.” Personally, I reached a point where I actually felt hatred for my W… it may have been transient, and yes, I reached a place of understanding (as much as you can ever understand something like MLC).

For what it’s worth, it seems like you are responding in a healthy way - not engaging, acknowledging your emotions, and moving forward. Simple, perhaps, but far from easy to do.
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#38: August 15, 2022, 12:40:59 AM
Perfectly reasonable feeling.
Often, anger is a useful sign that someone has crossed a boundary line. Sometimes a boundary line that we had not consciously considered.

Who does that? Selfish entitled avoidant folks who don’t take responsibility for the effects of their own behaviour and want to feel better about behaving like a crappy kind of human, who want the easiest path out of their own self-created mess and hope the metaphorical Mummies of the universe will go There,There? (Unfortunately in this country we have a Prime Minister just like that who considers people to be very mean in treating him like an incompetent liar and taking his job away instead of a misunderstood hero going on holiday while Rome burns.... ::)....there’s a lot of it about it seems  ::) )

Yours seems to be something like ‘given the situation, I don’t want to play buddies with you’. And that’s perfectly fine. One can be civil, even friendly to some degree like bumping into an acquaintance in the supermarket, without being friends or ‘shooting the breeze’. So don’t. There is no obligation on you to do so and it’s ok to not do it.

And imho developing a bit of an allergy with a sense of disgust or anger about self-centred entitlement is not an uncommon experience for LBS. And, truthfully, not a bad new life habit writ large. Just Say No to F**kwittery could be an LBS t-shirt I think  :)....although surprisingly unpopular with F**kwits  ;D
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« Last Edit: August 15, 2022, 12:45:40 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#39: August 15, 2022, 09:37:13 AM
Hi TS, I am glad you came here to exorcise those bad feelings, sorry to read that Sunday was rough for you :-(.  Unfortunately, I know all to well how it feels to solo-parent with an H off in lala-land. It's selfish, infuriating, and very unfair. Niceties on top of this insanity can make it that much worse. It's like there's a loud T-Rex in the room and everyone is looking around it, and talking over it, about something else ::) ::) ::). And we're like, "hellohoo" do you not SEE and HEAR this T-Rex over here!?

I have also felt a lot of hate towards my H, which makes me sad because I did love him a lot. I stated "felt" here because the feelings of hate seem to move somewhat more towards a feeling in between hate and indifference for me (maybe dislike?). Maybe the same will happen for you. It helps me to not have contact with him, beyond the necessities.

Speaking of, I received another email from him this weekend, which included demands and another threat (to go to court), lovely right?  ::) You know what was not in there? How is my son? or "I want to see my son." I think for me, him not seeing his son is so disappointing that it helps me move on. I find that continuously choosing your own interests over those of your child a sign of great weakness of character and I want a partner who is stronger than that.

How are things going one day later? Also, congrats on changing from cable to Roku! How do you like it so far?

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#40: August 15, 2022, 12:45:18 PM
Gosh, thank you all so much forum family!! LaB, Curiosity, Treasur and Tsun... you guys don't know how much I needed the support today. Really.   I literally cried all morning.  I haven't done that since the beginning around BD.  It is horrible.  I guess if I'm being honest, I think I am mourning a whole new phase-- meaning the hope of H "coming to his senses" and stopping the insanity is unlikely to happen and I am reaching a 6-month milestone. Even though logically I did know this with MLC, it is hard not to hope that you will be different (yes, naive).  Also, I have been spending some serious time contemplating filing for D myself b/c there is no legal separation here in NJ.  I believe this combined with the argument with my son really set me off.  I mean, at what point am I just being silly.  I don't have an H, not in any way that counts.  He doesn't live at home, we are not parenting together, he isn't taking care of the house or day to day problems. No emotional support or closeness, no dates, no fun, no cuddles (ugh, I'm barfing just listening to myself).  A friendly convo?   A pleasant text exchange? What's the point (no offense to anyone who sees things differently, this is just what has been floating in my head)  I hate that he did this to me, to us, to our family.  It's just so stupid. MLC-ShmemLC.

LaB- You know I feel you.  I am so tired of these bad feelings...I wonder when they will ever leave.  Just when I think that I'm over it, they come back and sometimes stronger.  Hugs!

Curiosity-Thank you-you're right it is so hard to do.  I think I'm making progress and then take 3 steps back.  Sometimes I have empathy for H and his MLC but hatred has been def. coming up especially lately.  I would rather get to indifference as I know that is the opposite of love. 

Treasur- I always like the way you put things and your advice is spot on.  We also have many "leaders" who behave the way you describe (and other stupid and selfish variations of behavior) and I could go on about it but I don't want to piss off anyone on the forum :)  Like George Carlin said (I like him!)  regarding our "leaders"... it' a big club--and you ain't in it!  For the record, I would 100 percent buy that T-shirt not to mention matching socks and hair band!  And...I wouldn't be ashamed to wear it out!

Tsun- I know what you mean about feeling sad about having the hate because you really loved your H. I also hope to get to indifference (even dislike would be progress)  I  totally feel the same way!  I miss my original H and I hate this new guy.   I am so sorry that your H sent you another "lovely" email with threats and demands (put in 3 eye rolls here).  The behavior of these MLCers is horrid.  Right, you son- how about him?  Remember, you're their father?  Hellloooo?  Yes, the loud T-Rex in the room (I like that) I can see using that for so many situations.  Roku so far, so good.  I saw Britbox that you were talking about.  I have one more TV to do and then hasta Lavista to cable.  I can't wait to call them and tell them goodbye.

Thank you all!!  I'll say what I always do... I hope tomorrow will be a better day! xo
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« Last Edit: August 15, 2022, 12:53:52 PM by thissucks7788 »

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#41: August 15, 2022, 08:06:19 PM
TS, I think that many of us hold on to the hope that our h might be the one that "snaps out of it" and comes back. Perhaps it's a survival mechanism that gets us through the first few months because accepting the loss is just too much. And if it helps (maybe not, if so I'm sorry) I too thought there might be a chance that your h would turn around because there was no monstering and no active affair. But the fact that I say that no monstering and no active affair are reasons for hope is pretty sad in and of itself (very low standards). We can, and should, expect much much more from others.

Regarding the D, would it be helpful to set a deadline for your self? For instance, if things have not changed in 6/12/18/... months, I am filing. That way you indicate (to yourself) that you won't live like this forever, yet you give it a little more time.
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#42: August 15, 2022, 11:08:55 PM
You know TS, most of us cycled through our feelings. I can't tell you how many times I felt like I was in the rinse and repeat of I'm just fine, now I'm pissed, now I'm sad, now I just want to sleep. Wait. Now I feel fine..... Healing is not a linear thing. It's OK to feel all those things and let them pass, because they will pass. There will come a day when you get up and go on with your day and won't think about mlc until noon. Then one where you make it to 4 pm. Then one where you may not think of it at all, but that may come after the kids are grown. With kids it's kind of an every day navigation. And there will come a day where even if you must think of it, it's just not that important anymore. Just know that day is out there and work your way through until you get there.
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#43: August 15, 2022, 11:56:57 PM
Me too ^^^^^
I remember my own feelings being exhausting though. And frustrating.

I recall reading an article that helped me. It was talking about what I believe is some kind of Buddhist tale about your feelings charging around in your house uninvited while you ran around trying to catch them and push them out. That instead, you could mentally say hello, show them a chair in the corner of the room and get on with your day. That someday you might even feel able to offer them tea  :) So, I started saying hello when the feelings came in through the door and it helped. Sometimes I needed more than one chair though!

Looking back, I think it helped bc it let me feel that my feelings were not all of me and that they did visit rather than move in. I got quite good at saying oh, hello x or y. Still do it now if I need to tbh.

I have no advice on what you should or shouldn’t do in your situation but I have trust that you will reach a point when you know.

I think honestly that we get to this point when we start to see it as less about what our spouse is/does and more like a situation, like weather, something that is happening around us rather than being intentionally done to us if that makes sense. When we start to see it like weather, I think we have probably touched a stage of detachment and acceptance about what we can or can’t control  that allows us to figure out whether we need an umbrella or a boat  :).
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« Last Edit: August 15, 2022, 11:58:10 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#44: August 16, 2022, 04:52:56 PM
You guys have given me so many things to think about.  I've been letting them shake around in my head all day today and have been trying to reflect on being triggered this time around.  I think I've identified what the problems is.  I am putting so much pressure on myself to decide whether or not to file for D right now.  I have two competing thoughts which is causing a lot of distress.  On one hand, I want to be able to separate all financial ties (I have already separated bank accts and credit cards) so my H can't get me into any trouble.  (I haven't noticed anything excessive from him at this point, but I know MLCers can be unpredictable) Also, I hear that you can get a more favorable settlement if you don't wait as your H is still somewhat in fantasyland, So there is that.  On the other hand, I just don't really feel emotionally ready yet to do it even though I have no real spouse to speak of. My head says I'm being an idiot b/c as I said above, he is not an H in any way that matters. When I think about doing it though...I think that is what caused the crying episode. Logic says all the reasons I should just file, but the thought of it is killing me.   Emotionally I would like to wait until I can do it when like Treasur said-- it is like the weather. More of a detached thing that is happening around me.   This whole thing is causing me tremendous stress.  Not to mention resentment that I'm even in this situation at all.  Add to this a teenager who was having a big attitude with single parenthood and it created a nasty storm for me.  (Can't get off of the weather :))  Either way, I am going to table this for now as I am getting nowhere in my circular thoughts and it's upsetting me. 

I was able to work today and took a long walk with my neighbor. We had a lot of laughs and I'm feeling in better spirits.

Tsun- I know what you mean about setting such a low bar.  I feel like I literally have to jump up to hit bottom the way things are currently. We will see if Monster comes out.  For right now I am keeping H at arm's length.  Maybe I'll change my mind at a later time, but this is my feeling for right now.  I am pissed that he has caused and continues to cause me such grief and distress. I'm Sorry this has been all about me lately.  I hope that you and your son are doing well.  Since the weather has been nice-- I think where you are too-- I hope you have had the chance to do the Tsun approach and go to the local park/pond.  I think your son has off now from school and I hope you guys are enjoying some quality time together :)

OffRoad- The constant cycling is such a killer. Just knowing that eventually there will be a day where I might not think about this sh*tshow feels like a relief.  I am so tired of this situation and exhausted from the gamut of emotions that I have experienced this year.  I can't wait for this to all pass! 

Treasur- That Buddhist tale is so great.  I literally visualized what you said about the feelings and showing them a chair in the corner. Then I made myself laugh. I think I've watched too many movies...Not only did I invite them for tea,.. but for some reason I visualized making the tea and just like in those old movies-- I was wearing one of those big rings that open up and I put cyanide in the tea and served it to them.  LOLOL.  I have no idea how that jumped in, but there it was. So it was a success because I Iaughed and felt better-- it is so me to visualize something like that.  Something else you said that made me think of a quote that I heard a while back "Feelings are like visitors...they come and then they go". 

You are also the second person who said to me today that I will just know when the right time is to pull the D trigger (assuming H doesn't do it first-- in which case- I didn't have to make the decision which has its own pros/cons).  I am going to try to listen to my inner voice and see what happens. 

As far as whether or not I need a boat or an umbrella-- right now I feel like I'm going up a specific creek without a paddle, lol.  On that note, thank you all for your support! xo
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« Last Edit: August 16, 2022, 05:17:22 PM by thissucks7788 »

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#45: August 16, 2022, 05:44:57 PM
Just my thoughts.

I am very much for "divorce" in order to protect financial assets.

I just looked at your BD date, March 2022, 5 months ago.

You sound like you don't want a divorce...just makes sure that this is what you really want....

Might I ask what are the reasons you think you'd like a divorce right this moment? Have you decided you are done with your husband and wish to find another partner?

I did file for a legal separation but it was my filing because I got a lawyer's apt first...he would have filed two days later but his apt was not as soon as mine..he was leaving the country and I wanted to protect myself financially...this was 14 months after BD and took another 14 months to be finalized.

Just a suggestion...slow down a bit...I never wanted this and when he finally filed for divorce 9 years later, it was all his divorce, not mine.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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#46: August 16, 2022, 07:53:04 PM
Thanks xyzcf, very interesting hearing your timeline with filing etc... My concern is financial- 2 reasons-- one, H has his own business and with recession looming I'm concerned about any trouble he can get into that could affect me.  The second is he has been expressing financial concerns now that he has been in his own place for 5 months and now his car is having trouble.  He made a very generous offer to me when he left (maybe guilt, the fog etc...) and with reality setting in, I'm concerned about having trouble with this down the line.  Many say to file while they are still in the fog/fantasyland to ensure a better deal.  My head says yes and heart says no. Heart is not ready it seems.  Lots of conflicting feelings. 
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« Last Edit: August 16, 2022, 07:55:26 PM by thissucks7788 »

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#47: August 16, 2022, 08:17:04 PM
Thanks for explaining.

I often tell people that they need to separate the "business" from the emotional side of protecting themselves. In  the state I live in, I was able to obtain a legal separation but not all states allow that.

I do know that what we have seen is that the MLCer can become unwillingly to give a fair settlement as time passes.

The emotional part of me, even after so many years HATES being divorced...on so many levels....I hate checking off the "divorced" box in doctor's offices and I truly believe that marriage is a sacrament, joined by God and so for me, it was very important that he take full responsibility for divorcing me....a matter of semantics perhaps since the legal separation did effectively divide all our assets and also allowed me to stay on his company's medical insurance plan.

Of course your heart doesn't want this!

Sometimes people think that a divorce will ease their pain, or that the threat of a divorce will wake them up to the reality and bring them home, others use divorce to "punish" or perhaps not cooperating to prevent their spouse from marrying the OW.....lots of reasons.....and I am not saying those are not valid reasons.

Because in my mind it is such a huge thing, knowing clearly why, working that through is important down the road so you don't look back and regret or ask yourself what you have done?

The other side of it is that if you go ahead and get a divorce, it can make you feel like you have some control over things. You take charge.

My concern for new LBSers are you are dealing with such "pain" that initiating and following through with the divorce can be a great deal to handle (although not necessarily any easier later on).

You and you alone know the answer...and it does sound like you feel that you could suffer financially...and that is a very big deal.

I am so sorry...sending you a (((((HUG)))))
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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#48: August 16, 2022, 08:36:45 PM
Hi TS, please don't apologize for talking about yourself, this is your thread (I just borrowed it for a bit).

Again, sorry it's been so rough :-(.  Even though we have no husband to speak of, an actual D still feels so sad. I do admire you for being so proactive and wish I could advise you on what would be best. Perhaps for now,  just let it simmer a bit and discuss it here, and with friends and family. Doing so will likely help you organize your thoughts and emotions a bit more.

I loved the tea visual, cyanide  ;D ;D, not sure if that's what the Buddhists meant lol. I'm skipping the tea, my feelings are getting wine  ;D.

Thank you for asking about my son. He still has two weeks of vacation left, yet I start work tomorrow (and guess who's not helping). I'll have to manage through a combination of working from home and help from his babysitter (who's the best!!). Should be fun  ::) ::).

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#49: August 16, 2022, 11:50:43 PM
Just some food for thought, I think xyzcf had some great advice to think through why you do/don’t file.  Does It matter where you are who files first?  I know for me I wasn’t going to let my H push me into filing.  I get like if he wants a divorce he can file.  I felt pretty strongly like I didn’t want him to say that I was the one that wanted a divorce.  I felt like he would use it to garner sympathy and make me the bad guy.  Everyone has a slightly different reason for doing it or not.  Have you talked to an attorney at all?  I know I did a few different legal consultations so I at least understood the process and could make more informed decisions.  It also made me slightly less behind the ball when he filed and I already understood my basic rights and had found a lawyer.  If he owns a business, you may have rights to some of that as well. I know at least for me, I feel better the more information I have.  I might have to visualize the chair for my feelings as well.  I feel like my head and heart are slowly getting to a similar place, but it’s hard and it can’t really be forced. 
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#50: August 17, 2022, 02:23:57 AM
Attaching -

XYZ spells it out pretty well - D for self-protection/financial protection is one thing. Using a D (or the threat thereof) to "motivate" the Mid-Lifer to get their head out of their .... fog.... isn't going to have the desired effect and it really gives the MLC'er the "Get Out of Jail Free" card they so desperately crave to show that they really aren't so bad after all.... and that it wasn't their fault.... Guilt-alleviation at its finest....

Getting legal advice does NOT mean that you need to file either but having the information is a good start....
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Me - 60, xW - 54
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
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#51: August 17, 2022, 09:12:31 AM
So I've read everything above and as they say, I've slept on it. I think I am going too far pushing for D right now--obviously my body is telling me that I'm not ready to do it so as long as I still have a choice and there is nothing obvious or triggering, I will leave it be--for now.  I have met with a lawyer (shortly after BD) and I think I'll continue to collect paperwork, log expenses etc...so I can move quickly if needed.  I have no misconceptions that filing would pull him out of the MLC and even if it did, I know what happens when they get pulled out too soon, so I would never take this approach. I also would never want my H to come back b/c of anything I did to manipulate.  I wouldn't want to have to go through this ever again and I have learned so much about false starts etc...  I am totally keeping out of his way.  This was about financials only-- I'm bitter that my state doesn't have legal separation- but it is what it is.

I also feel for now that I want to back off on our "friendship".  I don't really want that type of relationship with him, so I like the idea of behaving like a friendly neighbor when I see him.  I am not available for chit chats etc... at least that's how I feel for now.  I realize that it can contribute to connection, but it isn't working for me and I'm feeling resentful ... Not b/c I can't handle the interactions, but b/c I feel like he fired me from that job so he doesn't get to be with me like that.  When he came to see my son the other day, I made sure that I wasn't around. 

   Soooo on that note, I'm looking for a reset to hopefully get back to a better place.
I started feeling a bit better after I decided to slow my roll :)   After work, I think I am going to take my son to a local farm market and have some fun.  We both like going there :)  We have made amends after our fight the other day and he has been trying to please so I really appreciate that.  We could use a little fun bonding. 

As always, you guys are the best and I hope my jumbled thoughts here made sense.   I hope you all are well! xo
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#52: August 17, 2022, 11:18:13 AM
The first attorney I saw was very specific regarding documenting and keeping receipts for all my expenses....so that I could "prove" that I was accustomed to a certain lifestyle...so she had me keep a record (she said for at least 6 months) of every hair apt, groceries, magazines, shows I went to, mortgage, taxes, insurance premiums, cable....absolutely everything so that when it came time to determine maintenance, I would have documentation to assist in getting a "fair" settlement.

Making copies of all documents, tax returns for the past years, life insurance policies, investment account balances (401 K) pension accounts....having a record of the account numbers, the financial institutions and the balances at the time he left is also important.

Also making sure to look at things like health insurance and life insurance to cover the cost of child support and alimony should your husband pre decease you.

Sometimes taking a lump sum (for example all the equity in a house) rather than monthly payments is beneficial in case he loses his job or refuses down the road the road to pay.

Also, since your husband has his own business, you may need to hire a forensic accountant who can make sure that all assets are accounted for and can figure out what assets are better for you to have from a tax perspective. It gets complicated when there is a business involved and it is money well spent.

Regarding being his "friend"you said
Quote
it isn't working for me and I'm feeling resentful ... Not b/c I can't handle the interactions, but b/c I feel like he fired me from that job so he doesn't get to be with me like that.

They are so delusional (sigh)...they seem to think that we are ok with all this and still want to be "friends".....you are quite right to identify what YOU want...and not worry that having a "connection" will make much difference in the long term...some people will say that they have to feel as though they are losing you...once again, I am not into playing games and I don't think it matters to them, I really don't.

Whatever you do, you do for your own mental health and well being.

Love the idea of going to the local farm market with your son. ENJOY. There was about 4 months when my daughter was 16 that I would have gladly given her away!
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« Last Edit: August 17, 2022, 11:19:41 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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#53: August 17, 2022, 07:12:57 PM
Thank you so much xyzcf.  That is one of the best lists I've seen to get my paperwork together.  I actually worked on it for about an hour today and made some good headway. I majorly appreciate it!!!

I have some shocking news.  My H texts me that he needs to talk to me about something important and to meet him at his place at 7:15.  I literally thought I was going to puke.  I didn't know what he had in mind.  It seems he wants back. LO is gone. I let him do most of the talking and listened to what he had to say.  I asked a lot of questions and listened carefully to the answers.  I told him that it was a lot to take in and I would need time to reflect.  I said that I'm not the same person and trust has been broken, so I need to think before making any decisions. 

Honestly, I think it is too soon to come home.  I don't want him to just come back like nothing ever happened.  I think he still needs to live elsewhere, and we can try dating and see how it goes.  I don't want to have false starts with this thing.  I also think if we were to move forward, I would want to have him sign a post nuptial agreement. I feel like I need that type of security.    These are some of my initial thoughts which I haven't shared with him yet. 

It is so weird; things are changing in 24 hours and then they can change back again.  I don't want to get sucked into the stay/go cycle.  I'll keep you posted family! xo
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« Last Edit: August 17, 2022, 07:15:43 PM by thissucks7788 »

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#54: August 17, 2022, 08:01:35 PM
You are welcome. We all certainly have good information to share with one another..having learned the hard way.

OK....it is hard not to be somewhat "excited" (not sure that is the right word) about his disclosure to you.

I think RCR's husband made about 7 attempts  and eventually he did return....I believe that he did not live with her for about a year.

If your husband truly wants to come home, I am not convinced of the time frame necessary before the time is "right" and if he is truly sincere, he will respect that you need time now to heal.

Continue to watch out for yourself and see what unfolds. You understand his "crisis"and what could happen...going into this with your eyes wide open will allow you to assess what you need to rebuild your marriage.

I had to understand clearly that the old marriage was gone...took me a long time to really accept that.

Keep us posted!
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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#55: August 17, 2022, 11:03:41 PM
Well, that’s a plot twist, right? How wise of you to take time to reflect before jumping into action one way or the other.

I have no advice at all bc your situation is so far from my own experience. I wonder if you might find it helpful to re-read some of RCR’s writings about returns, false or otherwise, or to reach out to others by PM who have had similar experience of returning spouses.

I don’t know what your h said to you about his ‘reasons’ or what he is asking of you now. Or indeed what you feel about what he said/did. From reading other stories here, it does seem that they do not return in one bound magically ‘fixed’, that it is a gradual up and down internal process that is not much influenced by the LBS other than letting the reconnection door be open or shut firmly.. I say this to relieve any burden you might feel on judging the ‘right’ time or ‘perfect” conditions bc i’m not sure there is one as such from others’ experiences shared here. And also to temper your expectations of a straight line vs a stop/start that you (reasonably) don’t  much fancy. Again from stories here, I think the reasons why they want to return are not initially as clean, clear or whole-hearted as one might wish....the simplest truth is that their ‘greener grass’ turned out not to feel so green I suspect. And i’d guess that this doesn’t feel quite enough perhaps from your POV.....yet where he is now may not be where things stay.....again anecdotally, reconnection is a real thing, takes time and is not the same as reconciliation.

So, hey ho, seems like you might be paddling along a slightly different creek..... ::)
And you’ll still need your own boat.
Putting emotions to one side - ha ha - I guess you know now, which you probably did not know before, that in the right set of circumstances, your h can fixate on a young woman and up and leave. And his doing so had/has significant collateral effects for you and your son. So I guess you are thinking about ways to manage risk? Or how much risk you are prepared to take? What would make you feel safe enough to take any risk at all?

Fwiw one of the big markers from the cheap seats here is what I call the Me-Me scale. Reading stories of other returns, the level of entitlement - that flavour of ‘well it was really your fault but i’ve decided to give you another chance as a spouse if you do x or y’ - does seem to be a red flag. How Me-Me ish is your h being? And what is he actually proposing or asking of you and your son as a first step? How does HE want to resolve the mess that HIS choices created? Does he know? Or does he just want to glide back and for you to make it all lovely and tidy again?

Your h made some choices that changed your marital and family landscape. He may regret doing so now, which is nicer than him not, but of course it still happened. So now you are both in new and rather uncertain territory. It’s ok to say idk, not now, not like this, not yet....or indeed no.

There are not many reconnections or reconciliations here, as you know. Often there is just too much time and too much damage. But there are some and you are not alone in trying to figure out this kind of new creek. We will support you whatever you choose and I hope that others come along who have more useful experience or advice than I have.
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H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


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#56: August 18, 2022, 12:56:07 AM
My only additional input to his sudden "change of heart" is that talk is cheap....

Consistent actions and conscious planning over time are what counts.
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Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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#57: August 18, 2022, 07:27:06 AM
Thank you xyzcf, Treaur and UrsaMajor.  You all speak wise words.  Honestly, I'm scared.  I mean practically 5 minutes before I am collecting D paperwork and then this happened. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful, but I'm scared to open myself up again.  As Treasur points out, he has it in him to pick up and leave for someone else (an extremely young someone else).  It's funny-- almost 6 months ago my life changed it felt like in one second. I thought I was a happily married woman to my "rock" who would always be there for me.  Then in one night, it was over.  It felt almost like the reverse yesterday. Once again, no build up, no real clues just a switch.

Regarding Me-Me scale (I love the name!)  he didn't blame me at all.  He actually hasn't throughout (he never monstered).  He claims that he loved me the whole time but a flood of emotions for this other "woman" was very powerful.  He actually showed me with an air graph that our love was high and steady but with her it was a huge up arrow (and he said like an infatuation) but after he left...she let her veil drop (according to him) and the line on the graph went down. (As we all know-- limerence) He said the way I handled it throughout this was very attractive.  Meaning he thought I would be more "attitudey" but he said every text, interaction was done so well that it showed him again what a good person I am and how much he missed me.  Then all the love stuff and how this was like a near death experience to show him what life would be without me. Said he's wanted to come back since June but needed to make sure.  So yes, great he realized but massive damage has been done.  I have been mourning him and our marriage for months.  I felt abandoned and discarded and that just can't change overnight. I don't trust him.  Like you guys said --- that's great, but it happened, and we can't sweep it under the rug.

Also-- and here is the MLC portion--he said he didn't have a lot of confidence with women when he was young and now with his confidence, he felt like he could "get" any woman. But, as it turns out he doesn't want any other woman.  (Enter Treasur analysis-- the grass wasn't greener). So just another aspect.

So yes, I still have love for him but not trust in him.  Like UrsaMajor said I need to see consistent ACTIONS. I don't want to reconcile until we reconnect first. I am formulating my thoughts and plans on how I can try this in a way that feels safe and comfortable for me.   Xyzcf and Tresur- I am going to look at the RCR videos on this topic as suggested. 

So that is how it all went down. The past 6 months have been so crazy, I don't know if I'm coming or going. I'm married, I'm divorcing...I'm crying/I'm reconnecting.  I feel like I've been living in the Twilight Zone.

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« Last Edit: August 18, 2022, 08:46:22 AM by thissucks7788 »

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#58: August 18, 2022, 10:54:18 AM
TS, wow! That is a plot twist for sure!

What I was wondering after reading your description of your conversation, did he show any insight into what this experience has been like for you and your son? Does he realize the massive damage he has done? Does he know how much you've grown and changed these last few months? And finally, did he show remorse (beyond describing what he could have lost)? I am asking because your descriptions of what he said still seemed to be very much about him and how he feels/felt.


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#59: August 18, 2022, 11:20:57 AM
As difficult as it is for our hearts to understand (although our heads can sometimes) MLC is not about our marriage or I suspect, not about the love they have for us, it's not about their affair and so perhaps it requires a different way of viewing what can be done to reconnect, reconcile and perhaps build a better marriage.

MLC is an identity crisis often coupled with massive depression and it's possible that there will still be work that needs to be done for a long time after their wanting to come back home.

Heartsblessing wrote "where there is love, there is hope". A scripture reading that is very often read at weddings is "love is patient, love is kind....Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

This is truly hard stuff and there is great risk in keeping a door open for them while they continue their crisis but the only thing that matters really is what you want..and how you feel about him.

I personally know several couples who have reconciled, their marriages are "different" but many have told me they are better than they were before.

You are watching...I don't know that he could presently give you everything you need, and perhaps our healing really means we grow through this experience regardless of whether or not we ever get those apologizes.

I agree with Ursa...watch and  see what his actions are and if he takes off again you once again have given everything you can to this relationship or you see whether he turns back again...because often it takes more than one try on their part.

Can you imagine how much it takes to come back and face us? Especially as we have grown stronger and more resilient? Especially as you have done, continue to treat them with a kindness that few people feel they deserve?

There are not any guarantees, life as we know changes in a flash and no way to predict which MLCers will manage to get through their tunnel and which will not.

In the end, you get to decide whether you want this man or not and what it might take to make it right for you and your family.


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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

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" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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#60: August 18, 2022, 02:53:15 PM
He said the way I handled it throughout this was very attractive.  Meaning he thought I would be more "attitudey" but he said every text, interaction was done so well that it showed him again what a good person I am and how much he missed me. 
Maybe it is just me, but this REALLY bothers me. He just placed HIS actions on YOUR actions. Not OK. OMG, had you had the AUDACITY to be "attitudey" then maybe he wouldn't have come back? Way to keep you scared and not "attitudey". Way to make sure YOU tow HIS line and not do something that would maybe BOTHER him like justifiably expecting him to prove he's not just going to go off with the next woman who shows interest.

Remorse is "I am so sorry for what I did, how can I make amends for it?" This really isn't sounding like that, and I am glad you are wary. Don't stop with your separation/divorce research. If he comes back and life is grand, no harm no foul. If he does the back and forth thing so many do, you are prepared.

Remorse is not "I'll come back because you were "nice" to me". 

I wasn't there, I didn't hear the exact words, so JMO, as always. You and the kids first. Trust has to be earned.
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#61: August 18, 2022, 08:06:12 PM
Thank you so much guys!  It just feels so strange to be in this position.  I agree with all of you-- that I would have liked to have heard more of an apology, which I didn't get.  I did get some remorse and an admission of the pain that I was caused.  However, it was not perfect. He did cause a tremendous amount of pain, grief and hurt and he did acknowledge that.  Although true to MLC, a lot was about him.  I still believe he is in MLC so I want to be very cautious. Yup OffRoad, taking things slow and I do have a lot of the divorce paperwork done.  (And I did it with attitude :)) *Also see below for my new legal plan.

Tsun, you're right, I have changed during this time.  I actually said as much. I told him tonight that I'm different and we need to get to know each other again slowly and see if we are still compatible.  Start dating again. I told him he can't come home yet and I know he was very disappointed.  I again expressed how difficult it was when he up and left me with all of the responsibilities... child, house etc.. (you know my massive trigger).  I wanted to leave no stone unturned to tell him how I feel about everything.  I even addressed...ready for it.... "the workout!"  I told him that want someone who has time for me and for some fun. 

 I also told him that I have trust issues and something that would make me feel more comfortable is if he would sign a post nuptial agreement, which he agreed to no problem.  I am definitely following up on this as I would feel way more secure that if he does anything like this again, at least it will be one less worry for me and clear the path for a D if it comes to that. 

Thanks xyzcf for those nice and hopeful words. Letting him back in at all requires a lot of faith and I hope that I don't get hurt again.  At least I'll know that I tried what I could regardless of how it all turns out.    I'm so lucky to have found all of you here!! xoxoo
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#62: August 27, 2022, 10:30:25 AM
Just thought I would check in and do a little journaling and update for anyone who is interested.  So we are still trying to work things out and it's been bumpy at least for my emotions.  H seems dedicated to moving forward and is pushing to move back into the house but I'm slowing things down.  I am able to check his phone freely (although let's face it, deleting could happen) but I do believe he has really cut contact with EA girl.  I have been extremely honest about expressing my doubts, fears and concerns and he is willing to listen and try to make me feel more comfortable. Expressing remorse and singing my praises.  However, let's face it-- he still had an EA and walked out.  As I told him that damage doesn't just disappear.  I find myself feeling insecure (which is a sh*tty new feeling) and I always wonder if he is thinking about the EA girl).  I know this part is probably mostly my problem to work through as no matter how much I'm assured I still can't seem to help these thoughts/feelings.  I wonder how you rebuild.  Here is a real cringe worthy part-- the sex seems different...not as connected. Maybe this will just take some more time.   Even though he insists otherwise, I can't help but to feel like I'm plan B.   Frankly I've always felt like a plan A kind of gal (until my new insecurity thanks to this whole situation).  I've expressed this to him and he says the right things but still.   We are going to go on a short couple day family vacation next week so it should be interesting to see how that turns out. 

As we all know not all unicorns and flowers when trying to get it all together.  I still believe my H is in a MidLife thing... maybe it was a hard transition and not a crisis, (not sure) but he still displays signs imo.  Still early on.... will have to wait and see what happens.
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#63: August 27, 2022, 12:20:49 PM
Who could have imagined, when our marriages and lives were shattered, that if they came back, it would be so difficult?

We are changed, they are changed and there are a great deal of wounds to be healed...that can't just be brushed away.

I think two people who love one another and are committed to working very very hard to rebuilt a marriage can do so. It just isn't going to feel the same or be the same.

If it interests you I have heard that Retrouvaille is a really good program for marriages in severe trouble.
https://helpourmarriage.org/

The wounding from infidelity is a very deep wound. Some people are never able to get past it.

What ever you decide, whatever feels right to you....take plenty of time to figure out...what the pros and cons are.

Often it has been written that the LBSer in the end gets to decide. Nobody on HS can really give you any "advice" on this because each situation is different, each relationship is different and we call come from a multitude of beliefs and backgrounds.

But there will be good comments made, that you can consider...because this community certainly has the experience that few others will have (even regarding reuniting...some will think you are crazy to even consider that).

Relationships are difficult...not just partners, but families in general and it is these deepest relationships that hurt us the most.

Thanks for catching us up.
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#64: August 28, 2022, 06:33:04 PM
Thanks xyzcf!  Very wise words.  You are so right- everyone is different now and there are wounds that need to heal.  Definite pros and cons but something I have thought a lot about... What if I got back with H and then in 2 years, 5 years etc... he did this again.  How would I feel?  Obviously terrible, horrible, but I think if I didn't try to save my family, I would regret that more. I may always wonder what if.  That is a definite driving factor in my decision to at least move forward and try. 

I am going to check out the link you sent, thank you!  I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of the support.  Throughout this process I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.  To have everyone here for support is so lucky (and I have to say that this is a very smart and caring group! :) :))
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#65: October 10, 2022, 08:13:26 PM
How is it going TS?  Are you still reconnecting?  Would love an update.
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#66: October 11, 2022, 05:21:50 AM
Hi Faithwalker!
Thanks for checking in!  I'm sorry that it has been a while since I've updated.  So H moved back in  mid September and so far all is going pretty well.  Obviously there is trust issues after everything that has happened.  I have permission to go through his phone/messages/emails whenever I want without telling him as a way to "trust but verify".  It took a little bit to get used to him being back in the house and I noticed that some of the things that didn't really bother me before do a bit more now but I'm trying to be patient as there has been so much change this past year. (You know how you finally get used to living on your own).  H is doing and saying all of the right things but I still struggle with what he did and not feeling like I was Plan A if you know what I mean.  I'm hoping that some of these bad feelings will change with time.  Yesterday was LO bday (she turned the ripe old age of 21) and I did a scour of his phone this morning (while he was sleeping) and checked out his cell account online and it appears that he didn't reach out which I'm glad about.  It makes me sad that I have to check but it is what it is.  He is trying-- bringing me flowers and being attentive so that is good.

So that's what's happening around here.  I'm happy that he's back but like most things, it is a mixed bag.  I hope all is going well with you.  Thank you for thinking of me! xo
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#67: October 11, 2022, 06:41:37 AM
I’m glad things are going well.  Hopefully with time you will be able to restore trust again. 
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#68: October 11, 2022, 06:47:04 AM
Thanks MomofSteel (great name btw!!)
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#69: October 11, 2022, 07:19:34 AM
Hello,

First of all, I glad that he is back.

Quote
but I still struggle with what he did and not feeling like I was Plan A if you know what I mean.

This is very hard and I struggled with it as well. But in his situation and for most of the MLCers, it's not plan A or plan B, but fantasy and reality.  Part of coming out of the tunnel is becoming aware of the fantasy. Remember, it's all about feelings. OW makes me feel alive, enables me to live again, and more idiotic statements that all are rooted in emotion and not rational thought.  In the end, the fantasy always ends and you have to face reality. In his case, I am a 50+ year old man trying to partner with a 21 year old girl. How long would that really last? I am sure that some person will write they know of a couple that married and still going strong, but the odds are against such a marriage and long term sustainability.

So now you have an MLCer back home and coming to some sense of reality. You and his son are reality. As you stated, he was sitting in his own apartment with nothing and was eventually going to end up with nothing. However, he has not fully emerged from the tunnel and still needs to cook a little bit more.

Eventually, you will push him to be accountable for his actions. Read HB's threads and why it is important to hold him accountable when the time is right. He is lucky that you didn't divorce him and that coming back to his family wasn't an option B, but the wisest choice he has ever made in his life.

Keep going strong and have an awesome day,

((((Ready))))

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#70: October 11, 2022, 09:01:15 AM
Wow Ready, that is very insightful, thank you! I 100 percent agree with the fantasy vs reality thing.  To me (although I'm not in MLC) the whole idea of that relationship was truly idiotic. But, yeah, I know it's about how she made him feel + fantasy stories in his mind.  The girl was not on board although my H felt that she gave signals and was open but then changed her mind once he left his wife/family. Either way, yes, he was going to be and was sitting alone in that apartment with nothing.  In fact H revealed a few things: One being that he is resentful towards LO because he feels that she almost ruined his life (although we all know HE ruined it) and two he wants no memories of the whole event.  He throws out anything with the apartment address or anything having to do with it.  I told him that we will be discussing it (and have been) for a while, because I'm not going to rug sweep this whole thing. It happened. I do feel that he still needs to take more accountability and I want to read what you recommended from HB.

Speaking of the fantasy vs reality-- I did tell H that on one hand I'm glad he never hooked up with LO, but there was a small part of me that even hoped he would not only hook up but move in with her.  Reason being-- I think that would kill the limerence entirely and in a short period of time.(I believe he still feels she is so gorgeous and beautiful and other barfy things) Nothing like reality to kill the fantasy especially with such a ridiculous relationship.  But anyway..... yes, I'm trying to move forward and be cautious all at the same time.  I agree that some more "cooking" needs to be done so hopefully all will work out.  I know that I'm not giving up anything that I changed when he was gone (my new job, my tennis class, my friends). 

Thanks again Ready and hope you're well!! xo
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« Last Edit: October 11, 2022, 09:05:58 AM by thissucks7788 »

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#71: October 12, 2022, 09:38:43 PM
Thanks for the update TS!  I reiterate Ready on going back and reading HeartsBlessing's threads when you have time.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?action=profile;u=57

I know that I'm not giving up anything that I changed when he was gone (my new job, my tennis class, my friends). 

I'm glad that you aren't giving those things up!

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#72: October 14, 2022, 11:18:20 AM
TS, nice to see your update. I was nodding in agreement with so much of what you said about how much of a mixed bag it is when they come home. A year and a half after my W came home, and just over a year since she came back to the marriage completely, things feel pretty solid and like we are headed in a good direction. But rebuilding trust is a slow process. I think the strength we found in ourselves after BD is essential in truly healing. Thanks for updating!
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#73: October 16, 2022, 06:49:09 AM
Thanks Curiosity! It's good to hear from someone who is farther along in the process than me.  Encouraging to hear that you feel that all is on solid ground in your marriage. I know trust will take time (lifetime to develop and seconds to destroy).  We just celebrated our anniversary yesterday and it was strange to do so because just a few months ago, I was sure that we were headed towards divorce.  My Nan used to like the saying "life is weird with its twists and turns".   I couldn't agree more. this has been the strangest most tumultuous year of my life.  Good to hear from you and hope things continue to go well!
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#74: February 24, 2023, 10:39:20 AM
Hi all!!
I had someone reach out to me who feels like their situation was similar to mine and wanted to know how things turned out, so, I thought I would give an update.  Getting this message had me re-read what I wrote (my first message here) and I remembered how much pain I was in at the time and had no idea what would happen.  It still feels so shocking that all of that really happened.

H and I are doing well.  He has been back home for about 5 months now.  I feel like we've gotten closer as at first it definitely felt weird, and I was really unsure what I was supposed to do.   We had a great Valentine's Day and he wrote so many wonderful things in the cards and bought a bunch of romantic gifts.  However (there always has to be a however) he did the same thing last year and then BD was literally about 2 weeks later. So, just saying. But, moving on... he is attentive, loving and really trying. Lots of good things and I couldn't ask for more at this point.

That being said, there are still scars that remain.  I have many triggers (although I am getting better at handling them) and trust is still an issue. I still check his phone etc...and always have my eyes open for any red flags. I suspect this will be the case for a long time. I vow to always listen to my intuition.  I'm not exactly the same person I was before this happened and I do think of our relationship differently.  I understand when people say that it won't be the same, but it can still be good.  I think this applies here.

My H's journey seemed shorter than the usual MLC so was it MLT (transition and not crisis)? Will there be another BD in the future?  Who knows. I guess we will see.  As for me, I plan to keep all the lessons I learned throughout and have been keeping my own life that I created during the whole situation. 

I can't even express how thankful I am to everyone here on this forum.  You are such a wonderful and supportive group and helped me get through one of the worst most painful times in my life.  Good advice, humor, friendship. I hope you are all doing well!
B
xo
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#75: February 26, 2023, 07:20:43 AM
Hello,

Great news to hear and we all like a happy ending. However, it is going to take a lot of time for you and the marriage to heal. I am glad that you realize that this was a quick turnaround and he may go back into the tunnel again. Yet, he may not and that is the reason why you need to move forward.

Yet, he needs to understand that you have been hurt deeply and that it is going to take time for him to regain that trust and he has to respect you for giving him a second chance. At some point he has to take accountability for his EA. No one else's fault. Not the young girl, not you, not the stress of life, but it is all on him. He made the choice to step outside of his marriage and commitment to you. 100% responsible. This is going to be hard, but it will help both of you heal.  Read the articles by HeartsBlessing as she does a much better job than I do in this regard.

Please keep posting and have an amazing day!

(((Ready)))
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#76: February 26, 2023, 02:39:59 PM
TS is a rockstar.  Truly inspiring.   Keep at it. 
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#77: February 26, 2023, 06:38:23 PM
Awe thank you so much WHY!!!  Your friendship and support have meant so much to me during this past year. xoxo

Thanks readytofixmyselffirst- I appreciate your words.  I agree with all you said and I love Hearts Blessing. I've read so many of her things throughout--she is truly a knowledgeable woman.  I just heard that she passed away and I was so sorry to hear.  I don't know if it happened recently, or I just heard about it but it made me feel sad.  She has helped so many. In fact, in the Hero Spouse FB group, they often post her articles to help people navigate the crazy MLC rollercoaster.  Anyway, I hope that everything is going well for you!

Thank you both for responding. 
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xo
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#78: February 27, 2023, 08:26:56 AM
Awe thank you so much WHY!!!  Your friendship and support have meant so much to me during this past year. xoxo

Thanks readytofixmyselffirst- I appreciate your words.  I agree with all you said and I love Hearts Blessing. I've read so many of her things throughout--she is truly a knowledgeable woman.  I just heard that she passed away and I was so sorry to hear.  I don't know if it happened recently, or I just heard about it but it made me feel sad.  She has helped so many. In fact, in the Hero Spouse FB group, they often post her articles to help people navigate the crazy MLC rollercoaster.  Anyway, I hope that everything is going well for you!

Thank you both for responding. 
B
xo

I think she passed away a few years ago.  I don’t know who runs her site.  But I hope someone has documented her writings and has everything backed up in case the site goes down. 
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#79: April 02, 2024, 01:27:41 PM
Hi all,
Ursa asked me to do an update for any of the newbies to give some hope.  So here goes-- backstory-- My H left me after he turned 50 and decided he was "in love" with a 20 year old girl who worked with him.  It came to a head when I found the texts and confronted him.  At first he denied, but after I continued to read them out loud he admitted he had feelings for this "soul mate" and loved her.  Anyway, he said he was going to leave, get his own place and even though I was crushed, I helped him find an apartment.  I didn't think I could heal with him here and didn't want to have him chasing after another person in my own home.  Anyway, went smart contact (almost to no contact--just very minimal regarding business and son).  I actually contacted the girl via facebook messenger and was very polite. I told her I was letting my H go and I wouldn't stand in the middle of soul mates and their happiness. (I'm not recommending this but this is what I did).  Anyway, she said she isn't interested in H and I believed her b/c I saw the texts and they were more once sided.  I was pretty sure it was a one way EA for my H and she was someone who he fell in limerence with.

I cried rivers, didn't understand wth happened as I thought H and I were doing great together.  Besides him spending late nights at work with her "in training", nothing else seemed off.  I did have a gut feeling and confronted him but he laughed it off as she was "a kid".  Anyway, trust your gut instincts people.   When he left, I got a new job, found an old hobby (tennis) and made new friends.  (saw a lawyer also just for financial reasons).  This site was a life saver.  Made wonderful friends here who I still keep in touch with. Also I never talked relationship with H (had a few rageful outbursts in the beginning but once things got rolling)... 

Anyway as a side note a very close "friend" of H's tried to start a relationship with me during this time and when H found out he was furious.  I don't know if this affected anything but since it's a part of the story.  Well, after 5 months-- H asked to return home. I told him I was open but want to take things slow and date first before he moves back in.  Anyway, we did that and he moved back in 2 months later. 

Now I suspect that my H had more of a transition.  I guess it's possible that he ended early and can do this again-- who knows??  But he has been home a little over a year and a half and things are going well.  He tries and is attentive and loving.  While I want to talk about it periodically he would like to forget the whole thing happened.   I will say that it really is a different relationship after reconciliation.  It does have its pitfalls- one being the trust issue which really can't be the same imo. I also have scars that remain from this whole traumatic experience.  H and I are back though and spend a lot of time together.  He says and does loving things -- he knows that I've suffered due to his actions.

But all that being said, I hope my story can give some people hope.  Pay attention to yourself and your kids.  Fill your own needs, take care of your finances, keep yourself really busy and change up your routine.  These things helped. Keep with the great people on this forum.

B
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#80: April 02, 2024, 04:40:09 PM
You’re one of the strongest women I’ve ever met TS.  Onward!
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#81: April 02, 2024, 06:03:21 PM
Thank you  TS for your update and willingness to share your journey.

Wishing you and your husband the opportunity to grow and find one another again .
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#82: April 03, 2024, 12:38:33 AM
Thanks for the update TS.....

What a "long strange trip it has been" eh?
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Moved on in life

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#83: April 03, 2024, 04:22:03 PM
Hey,TS, great update and good advice to the newbies, especially about protecting themselves financially and emotionally.  These MLC'ERS  really do a number on themselves and everyone unfortunate enough to get in their way.

So glad for H seems to have come to his senses, and that things are going well with your reconciliation.  You and I are on opposite sides of the reconciliation coin, but our stories are proof that happy endings can come from either side, and that it is as many say, a sample of one of one 😊
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#84: April 04, 2024, 01:27:10 AM
Good update TS! I'm so happy for you that your H found the way back home quickly enough, but I can imagine it's still a hard pad to walk especially if he has difficulty talking about everything that has happend. Maybe that comes further on in the reconcilliation.. don't let him sweep things under the rug. That's probably a big foundation under everything that has happened, he needs to learn to face difficult things and communicate. It's nice to hear that his behaviour towards you has love and kindness in it!

I agree with BB, totally on a different path than you but it's still good for newbies to see that there are different paths towards happiness and healing.

In my situation the destruction my xH created is too much to overcome for me..
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« Last Edit: April 04, 2024, 02:37:29 AM by titleholder »
Together for 15 years, married for 4 years
H: 33, me: 33, D: 1,5
BD: april '22 (EA + 'I want to live alone, have no responsibilities')
Left home: june '22
Divorce final: october '22

“They didn’t cheat because of who you are. They chose to cheat because of who they’re not.” ~ Charles J. Orlando

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#85: April 04, 2024, 10:03:43 AM
Wow, read your update and your story and the one sided Limerance and all matches alot of mine, except my XH went further in. Just goes to show you also that stories can be similar and the MLCer damage, avoidance and strength also determines their journey.  So happy for you.  Wishing you continued forward moving progress and hopeYou can continue to update when you have the time.
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
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July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
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