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Author Topic: My Story Not new, but still learning about this!

B
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My Story Not new, but still learning about this!
#10: May 06, 2023, 02:57:53 PM
Good evening lovely HS people.

Not updated for a while, I will do in the next few days but I have a question for the vets on here, particularly ones who have older kids.

My son 16 and I were having a chat today, he was talking about the dramatic change in his mum and wanted to speak to me about it. He said that he himself feels like he doesn't know who he is a lot of the time. He 16 so I remember feeling like that myself, you're trying out new versions of yourself all the time. He also said he'd had a chat to his mum and she said she said she told him she doesn't know who she is anymore and doesn't know herself.
He asked me if I knew what was wrong with her. I said I had some ideas about what was going on but couldn't be sure. He wanted to know if the old mum will ever come back. Anyway, there were other kids around and they demanded we watch a movie with them so the conversation stopped there whilst we had some belly laughs at a romcom.
So the question is, do I tell him about MLC? Or even parts of it? I don't want him to worry about his mother, or spend weeks looking up MLC like I did! I want to reassure him that his mum will be ok eventually, but as we know if and when she's through the crisis she might not be the same old mum.
It's a dilemma, and I'm sure they will be varied opinions on here. But some stories of how others have handled such questions and how they got on would be really helpful.  He's a very mature 16 and incredibly intelligent and worldly wise.

Thanks all

Biscuit x
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M
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Not new, but still learning about this!
#11: May 07, 2023, 03:48:32 AM
My kids are older than 16, but I did tell them it was MLC. I did explain that it is not about the “known idea of MLC” but an identity crisis. Questioning where he is in life and is he truly where he should be. Feeling overwhelmed by his perceived failures and not being able to clear his head enough to work through his thoughts, so he is escaping dealing with it. I have always reassured them it is not about them or me. It is all about him.
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife

B
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Not new, but still learning about this!
#12: June 21, 2023, 06:23:42 AM
So time for an update.
I just noticed I've been on HS forum for a year tomorrow.. lots has changed since then!
So, I'm doing pretty well, properly GAL and getting out to all kinds of events and seeing lots of friends and family. Don't spend half as much time moping about these days but try and embrace everything good in life rather than focussing on the bad. Not sure if I'm detached enough just yet, but definitely getting there and able to view things through a completely different lens to a year ago. Just like Elton John, I'm still standing, just in slightly less flamboyant clothes and not as good on the piano.
Have realised of late that I've probably got ADHD like my son, which has kind of opened up my eyes to how I do things now and explains many of my difficulties and strengths too in the past.

As for W, movement there I think. Not sure if OM is still lurking about but the kids haven't seen him for a while, so hopefully he's buggered off to wherever he crawled out of. Seeing a new kindness to W that I've not seen in 18 months. Not monstered for ages and being pretty considerate when I do see her. This morning out of the blue she texted that she was going to our favourite specialist shop for food and would I like anything picking up? Weird to get a text like that, I'm not reading anything into it. Of course I said yes - why not? Nice for Mrs B to do something for me for a change!

Kids are doing well, looking forward to a summer trip in a few weeks which me and W will split in half so we both get time in the sun with the kids and our friends. Remarkable that this happened too as just a few weeks ago W was saying it was her holiday and no way was she going to not have her 2 weeks in the sun with the kids.

Right, off to have a cup of tea and do some work! (work is on fire too - done 3 big projects recently and now working on 2 amazing things!!)
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B
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Re: Not new, but still learning about this!
#13: June 21, 2023, 08:44:14 AM
Biscuit and Mad, thank you for bringing up what to tell the kids. I’ve been saying your parents are going through something now but we both love you. They are 17 and 15 so they are older and they just kinda say it is what it is. W is still at home and we live in separate rooms, we occasionally have dinner as a family but with teens they kinda do their own thing. Any advice on what to tell the kids? I don’t really want to say MLC, I don’t think they would understand and if W knew I was saying that I think monster would definitely make a comeback (haven’t seen monster in a couple of weeks)
Thanks
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W-46

B
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Not new, but still learning about this!
#14: June 21, 2023, 09:02:02 AM
Baxter,

Personally I think what you've been saying is just fine - esp if they're not asking questions.

B
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Not new, but still learning about this!
#15: June 21, 2023, 01:39:27 PM
I don't think for my part it is wise to tell your son about MLC. I guess he is sensitive, so he is already understanding a lot and your wife's MLC is already a burden he is carrying. To tell him anything at this stage would lead only to bad consequences :
- for your W when she will hear about it, as she will know it is coming from you she will deny it
- for you because your W will tell you are manipulating her son, you are involving him
- and also for your son, that will add another burden to him as he is already dealing with his own teenage crisis. Children shouldn't parentize their own parents when they are young. I fear he might be paying this later.

The burden is heavy, I believe our role as fathers is to carry it alone and protect as most as we can our children.

I am blessed with three children, two daughters of 16 and 14, one son 5. They are already affected by our current situation, they are already suffering from it so I try to protect them the best I can. In front of them, I always stand  alongside my W : I believe it is my place (it is also a change I have decided to do after working on myself, in the past I was more ambiguous)

Only thing I did few days after I discovered OM : I asked my three children to pray for both of us. That's all. When D14 wanted to ask me about our crisis, I told her that it is not her concern. And the prayers I asked were already too much for my W : Monster blamed me to have done that (I have no regret and no remorse). When I told W that our children are affected by our situation, she denied it (obviously), so I never raised again the topic. 
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M 44, W43. Married 18 years, together 21
3 children D17, D15, S6
OM discovered Dec 22, BD Jan 23 (few days after)
W still living at home
Aimer, c'est donner sans attendre de retour et tout acte est prière, s'il est don de soi (Antoine de Saint Exupéry)
Love means to give without expecting return, and every act is a prayer if it is a self-gift. (thanks OffRoad !)

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#16: June 21, 2023, 04:40:27 PM
Kids are smart and already know something is wrong, but what?? So, I think you talk to your kids in a manner they can handle. Mine were in their late 20’s so I could explain in more detail that he is having an identity crisis. They totally agree. They are old enough to see the writing on the walls. I do think all kids at different ages and personalities etc have to be handled in a way that will bring the least amount of distress. My kids are a give it to me straight. It has saved them some anguish on having some plausible explanation for the madness.
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife

F
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Not new, but still learning about this!
#17: June 22, 2023, 12:40:59 AM
Kids are smart and already know something is wrong, but what?? So, I think you talk to your kids in a manner they can handle. Mine were in their late 20’s so I could explain in more detail that he is having an identity crisis. They totally agree. They are old enough to see the writing on the walls. I do think all kids at different ages and personalities etc have to be handled in a way that will bring the least amount of distress. My kids are a give it to me straight. It has saved them some anguish on having some plausible explanation for the madness.

My words were not against you, I am sorry if they did hurt you. Your situation is different from mine, Biscuit's and Baxter1's. I have no experience with adult-kids and I believe you did your best with your children, what I said is applying only for kids who are under 20 , and just my humble POV sharing.
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M 44, W43. Married 18 years, together 21
3 children D17, D15, S6
OM discovered Dec 22, BD Jan 23 (few days after)
W still living at home
Aimer, c'est donner sans attendre de retour et tout acte est prière, s'il est don de soi (Antoine de Saint Exupéry)
Love means to give without expecting return, and every act is a prayer if it is a self-gift. (thanks OffRoad !)

B
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Not new, but still learning about this!
#18: June 28, 2023, 07:54:09 AM
Minor journalling.

A week since my last post and I've been having a whale of a time on my GAL journey. Took a trip on my own for the weekend to a different part of the country and enjoyed a night out where I met up with some old friends and made a ton of new ones. It was great fun.

W has continued to be incredibly nice, a continuing transformation over the last month or so. Maybe some of the vets can help me. Is this normal ? She's offering to help with the kids more, she's being really kind towards me. This is a side of W I've not seen for 18 months and to be honest it's actually slightly unnerving! There seems to be no malice in her at all at the moment.

Strange!
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Not new, but still learning about this!
#19: June 28, 2023, 10:21:50 PM
Minor journalling.

A week since my last post and I've been having a whale of a time on my GAL journey. Took a trip on my own for the weekend to a different part of the country and enjoyed a night out where I met up with some old friends and made a ton of new ones. It was great fun.

W has continued to be incredibly nice, a continuing transformation over the last month or so. Maybe some of the vets can help me. Is this normal ? She's offering to help with the kids more, she's being really kind towards me. This is a side of W I've not seen for 18 months and to be honest it's actually slightly unnerving! There seems to be no malice in her at all at the moment.

Strange!

Consistent actions over time are what count..... It may be a touch and go, it may be that she has turned a corner, it may be that you are trying to taste green with your elbow.... No way to really know in the short term... Most of the time, it is only in hindsight we can say "that is when they started getting their head out of their .....fog...."
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Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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