Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Not new, but still learning about this!

F
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 235
  • Gender: Male
  • Be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves
My Story Not new, but still learning about this!
#110: March 12, 2024, 02:18:09 AM
Thank to journal the good news ! There are few reconnection stories and all the stories that are ongoing bring hope to me :  firstly because you are getting better and better, your children as well. Then because you handle the slow reconnection very well. You and W doing something together would be great, yes, and you know you can keep "no expectation" until it actually happens
Please continue to journal here !

Quote from: Biscuit
It's funny how, sometimes when you're not looking for advice or even really thinking about your own situ - just reading up on HS and seeing how your fellow travellers on the forward moving journey are getting on - and you happen upon something that feels really pertinent and relevant for how you've been feeling. Tonight I got one of those little gifts. I think it was French Husband that had compiled some reconnection stories and data recently - I used to hang onto these stories in the early days, I think we all do, not so much now - but I saw mention of a poster that I couldn't remember from when I was first on HS - Broken Hearted 1971 - so I looked him up -

Isn't it an example of what CG Jung calls "synchronicity" ? I am glad I was part of helping you, even without knowing it.

 
  • Logged
M 44, W43. Married 18 years, together 21
3 children D17, D15, S6
OM discovered Dec 22, BD Jan 23 (few days after)
W still living at home
Aimer, c'est donner sans attendre de retour et tout acte est prière, s'il est don de soi (Antoine de Saint Exupéry)
Love means to give without expecting return, and every act is a prayer if it is a self-gift. (thanks OffRoad !)

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12537
  • Gender: Female
Not new, but still learning about this!
#111: March 12, 2024, 02:45:16 AM
Nice to hear that you sound in a better place, Biscuit, and we all wish you well.
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12318
  • Gender: Female
Not new, but still learning about this!
#112: March 12, 2024, 07:03:32 AM
Thanks for the update. Helping your children to make sure that their mother has a good Mother's Day teaches them many good things. You can rest knowing that she had a wonderful day and the beauty is...you didn't do any of this expecting that it will change anything...but because she is mother to your children.

I also loved reading about your son...smiling. To see them grow and expand into their own worlds is so fascinating. Glad he got to attend that function with you.

Quote
Oh there was one thing - W mentioned that there was an exhibition she'd like to go and see. I said - do you want to go together? She said she'd like that a lot. Not sure if that will happen but if it does it will be the first time we've done something like that since BD.

I have worked with dysfunctional families throughout my nursing career and for the past 12 years with children who have severely dysfunctional families. The family dynamics in my family are dysfunctional...we are a broken mess. Yet, still a family. The fruits of being able to remain in contact has been important for our family.....in my case, it's hard sometimes......because he remains an enigma.

I can enjoy being with him, the hard part for me is dealing with how I would like more, and he is not capable of giving me more. It gives me insight into the reality of who he is so it's helpful as I sometimes think of him as who he was.

He'll come to my home this week, I will make us a St Patrick's Day meal. We will cook together and talk about many things, but not a word about "us".

Thank you for posting. You have a great balance between your own needs and those of your family.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: March 12, 2024, 07:06:11 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

B
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 340
  • Gender: Male
Not new, but still learning about this!
#113: March 12, 2024, 08:14:06 AM
This...

"I can enjoy being with him, the hard part for me is dealing with how I would like more, and he is not capable of giving me more. It gives me insight into the reality of who he is so it's helpful as I sometimes think of him as who he was."

Exactly this for me too.

For me it's slowly slowly getting used to the new normal of spending time with W - which itself is constantly evolving too. A few months ago I would be treated like I had an infectious disease if I got too physically close to W. Now she gives me a big hug when we part company. This is just one easily discernible thing to observe but there are many verbal or non verbal cues which  I can notice evolving over time. The trick is to not read too much into these or have any expectation that there will be any sudden changes.
  • Logged

B
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 340
  • Gender: Male
Not new, but still learning about this!
#114: March 24, 2024, 04:41:13 PM
Minor bit of journalling - I think I like to do this now and again so I can look back in time, as well as a chronicle to other members of HS!

Had a really wonderful weekend with the kids. They were both in a stage show today and I offered to help as a chaperone as I have a police check in place to work with children.
Wow - what a great thing to do. The show was amazing, 250 kids of mixed ages and abilities in perfoming arts - but they really just seemed like one unit. The amount of times I heard the older kids spurring on the young ones and giving them props. It totally melted my heart.

There were 2 shows and I watched the second one with W and MIL after being relieved of my chaperoning duties by another parent. W had friends over all weekend but was keen to come along. We sat and watched our kids belt out songs and do dance numbers and had a couple of drinks and danced along in our seats with big smiles on our faces. it was really special.

When I got home with the kids and W went to the family home without us we continued chatting over text about plans in the next couple of weeks. I let W know that all of the kids and my efforts putting on the show were worth it to sit and watch the show with her and how much I had enjoyed it. She kind of ignored that text but I'm glad I let her know. About 50 messages back and forth after that I'm ready for bed and happy that we'd spent the evening together and that I can do that without any fear or expectation from her - I guess that's detchment at some level.

Anyway - it was an excellent show and I had a wonderful time with my children all weekend and with my W for a few hours at the end of it.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: March 24, 2024, 04:42:44 PM by Biscuit »

B
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 340
  • Gender: Male
Not new, but still learning about this!
#115: March 31, 2024, 03:36:29 AM
Happy Easter everyone on HS, particularly those on here who draw strength from their faith.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12318
  • Gender: Female
Not new, but still learning about this!
#116: March 31, 2024, 11:11:53 AM
Happy Easter Biscuit. Today is truly a message of hope and joy.
May all members of this community, families and those struggling find the hope that Our Lord gives us this day and always.

Alleluia, He IS risen!
  • Logged
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

B
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 340
  • Gender: Male
Not new, but still learning about this!
#117: March 31, 2024, 03:20:14 PM
Here here, Xy,

I'm not at all religious but I realise that many on here are and I have an enormous amount of respect for other peoples beliefs and faith.

All the best, I hope you enjoy this most special of days.

B x
  • Logged

B
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 340
  • Gender: Male
Not new, but still learning about this!
#118: April 02, 2024, 03:50:14 PM
Quick journalling and observations.

So it's Easter holidays for the kids at the moment. We were going to split the holidays but I had some last minute, and very concentrated work come in and I asked W to take up the slack with childcare and she agreed to pretty much look after them the whole time so I can take care of work commitments.

Last week D12 spoke to us about doing an Easter Egg hunt - which is a family tradition on Easter Sunday and W told D she thought that maybe she was too old for that kind of thing. D12 looked crestfallen - I think sometimes the kids hang on to these traditions as they represent their recent past. I think W noticed this too because she agreed later that the kids still find it fun. Anyway - I wasn't invited over on Easter day by W for the egg hunt but I think they had a fun day and a nice Easter Sunday roast with W  - and that was the important part.

Yesterday was Easter Monday - so a bank holiday in the UK. I had arranged to pick up D12 and take her to a gallery and for a walk. When I got over to the family house to pick her up she wasn't so keen!  I said it was her day with me to do whatever she liked and she can choose what we do -  she chose rock climbing - pretty random! The next available session wasn't for a couple of hours so I booked it then D12, me and W sat around chatting and drinking tea and having a laugh. It was a nice bit of family time and I said to W that I enjoyed these moments. She said nothing - but her smile maybe suggested that she does too.

Rock climbing was great, exhausting and a proper work out! Then D12 cooked lunch for me and her and we hung out and watched films and read together.
Then it came to the late evening and time to drop her back with W. Much colder reception form W in the evening - she wanted me to just drop D12 and go - no invite in or what have you.

Today I had to work but D12 and I were meant to come to my house this evening to watch football and have dinner. As I left work W called and asked when I'd be back to pick up D12. D12 wasn't keen on going anywhere (she was listening in on the conversation) and said, "mum why can't daddy come here and watch football and have dinner"... W said - yes that's fine. So we all had dinner together, and D12, S17, W and I watched the football and had a really nice evening. I could tell W was tired and she went up to bed before the game was finished. Anyway it was a lovely family evening.
  • Logged

B
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 340
  • Gender: Male
Not new, but still learning about this!
#119: April 11, 2024, 04:38:45 PM
Just journaling....

Not really much to report. The last few days have mainly been me working hard and having a bit of contact with kids and W.
On Tuesday night I had some stuff to drop to the kids whilst they stay with W during the holidays and I work. When I arrived to see the kids and W I was invited in and hung out with them all and watched TV for a couple of hours and shared a couple of glasses of wine with W. It was a really nice evening, and my take away was how this would be such a boring / ordinary evening for almost everyone I know. For me, after BD, it seems like some kind of paradise! The opportunity to just hang out with my family and watch crap TV seems so precious that I'll never take that situation for granted ever again.

Work has gone bananas, which is great for our finances, but lame for spending time with the family, but after a long period of no work I feel grateful for it.

W seems very irate about finances in the last few days, despite agreeing that we're not actually in any dire situation and have at least enough money to sustain us for a year or so. Maybe she's planning some kind of escape again and wants to make sure she has enough money to do so? Who knows? She's being totally transparent about spending recently and seems committed to trying to make our combined income work for the family.
Such a weird situation sometimes, operating as a family unit in terms of childcare and finances etc but not living together or sharing other elements of family life. I've kind of got used to it but I'm sure to outsiders or those not familiar with MLC it would seem totally wonky.
  • Logged

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.