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Author Topic: My Story Help Please 5

H
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My Story Help Please 5
#80: March 15, 2024, 12:47:34 AM
I continue to struggle on. Less contact with her helps but from time to time there is unnecessary contact. I am trying to redraw boundaries and be consistent.

Yet a little part of you likes the contact even when it is bad for you. I am trying to manage those feelings and make good decisions.

My little one had the runs and I emailed to let her know that she may be off school. She did not get the message because her parents were away and she goes to the boyfriends when they are away so they don’t know.

I got a bit of a serve and a suggestion of an app that would notify her. I said hang in you just said you don’t look at your phone so how would that help. I will ring if there is an emergency.


It is just so crap. How do two people loved each other get to this place. And while the bf is around there is no hope.

So I will just try and make good decisions for me. Get my wisdom teeth out Monday and then get the mediation about the kids done.


How I wish I did not miss her. But I do.


I amazed by those who stand for years, reconnect and survive. It is the worst experience of my life 22 months in.
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Help Please 5
#81: March 15, 2024, 01:19:39 AM
Quote
got a bit of a serve and a suggestion of an app that would notify her. I said hang in you just said you don’t look at your phone so how would that help. I will ring if there is an emergency.

Good clear boundary on your part. You have an obligation to inform her about certain things, but you’re not obliged to ensure she organises her life so she is in a position to see those notifications. Tells you something though about what kind of parent she is now, regardless of how she was before….most mums I know would feel a bit anxious about not being contactable if their kids weren’t with them. I hope that might also remind you not to buy her BS about how great a mum she is and how lacking you are as a parent, and encourage you to go for every bit of custody the law will allow and you can work with regardless of her opinion.

Having said that, you may want to look at the app and see if using it would have any benefit to you. There are other LBS here with kids who have done so and found that it formalises or limits contact in a way that works for them, and that it can be useful as a quasi legal record while they are going through legal processes that affect things like custody or visitation. Maybe ask your lawyer’s advice on it?

I’m so sorry. It feels surreal and awful for quite a while, I think, even as we press forward. With time, bc we humans are pretty good at adapting as a species, it will feel less so as your ‘new normal’ starts to grow. For some of us, limiting contact helps with that - it certainly did for me. But yes, you are in the weird trenches right now and it’s not a nice place to be.

And a PS…I’d forgotten that you had only recently found out about OM. Do be kind to yourself that this alone creates a bit of a swirl of emotions….both the reality of it and realising that perhaps we were lied to before or chose to believe things that turned out not to be true. Most of us find that stage adds to the suckiness quite a lot….and it’s easy for a while to tell ourselves that we are less than or that our spouse is happy as a lamb, that we are losers and they have won in some way perhaps. Normal to feel that way if you do. But I will also share the pov that someone shared with me about the LBS tortoise and the MLC hare. It takes a couple of years after separation/divorce for both to start really reaping what they have sown….the LBS starts to feel better about their new different life having put a huge effort in to make good choices for themselves and their kids and the MLCer tends to run out of fizz, cash or fantasy as real life (entirely predictable usually) consequences of their own choices start to show up. It’s not always so, but it seems to be how it is more often than not imho….you're just not there yet. :)
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« Last Edit: March 15, 2024, 02:02:58 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

K
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Help Please 5
#82: March 15, 2024, 02:02:59 AM
And to add the obvious - she is blaming you for her own failings (again). My summary of most people in this type of crisis is that they will not take any responsibility. Sometimes, they were like this before, but the non-crisis spouse didn't really 'see' it, often because we are a Merry Band of Fixers (sorry to generalize, other options are available  :) ). We often did most of the arranging and structural support. I have to sit on my hands to not fall back into that dynamic with my absent H - but I suppose there does come a time where we have to weigh things up in terms of what is best for us - so if the App works for you, why not? As Treasur says.

Yes, it probably is the hardest time of all of our lives. It is truly life altering. But I hope you are starting to see some new lights shining through the gloom. Hope your littl'n is doing well now.
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« Last Edit: March 15, 2024, 02:05:30 AM by KayDee »

H
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Help Please 5
#83: March 15, 2024, 08:18:23 PM
Thank you both.

The app does not work for me at this stage. Email allows me control and  I see messages when I choose to and I am.

Treasur, you are bang on about the feelings about the new person. The knock to your self worth ins extraordinary. I just keep trying to make good decisions.
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H
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Help Please 5
#84: March 25, 2024, 02:49:51 AM
It is so strange. She does nothing to formalise the divorce.

It is is bizarre.
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H
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Help Please 5
#85: March 31, 2024, 09:36:50 PM
It is just hard. I am tired. But I am thinking more rationally and less emotionally. It is difficult to understand that someone who once loved you is treating you so poorly. But I am going to try to stop seeking to understand and to just accept.

Things are going well with the girls. We have yet to have our parenting mediation and I need to get that done. We will not settle and I need to get into the queue for proceedings.
I am mentally a lot better. It is hard to realise your wife would rather build a new relationship than repair with you but I am starting to accept it.

I just need to get it done. And then hopefully have very little to do with her.
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M
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Help Please 5
#86: April 01, 2024, 04:34:48 AM
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It is just hard. I am tired. But I am thinking more rationally and less emotionally. It is difficult to understand that someone who once loved you is treating you so poorly. But I am going to try to stop seeking to understand and to just accept
 
You will most likely find this to be the case for years to come.  I once described it to feeling like a bug that had been stepped on who’s life didn’t matter. What helped me the most was just accepting that this isn’t who I was married to at all. So, first I would not be happy with who they were now, but that they weren’t fully capable of understanding what they were doing or how they were affecting those who loved them. They are in their own self savior state and for whatever reason we were detrimental to it, because they are unhappy in their current life and we are a part of it, so we became part of the problem.

I am sure you have heard this many times in different ways, but it’s true. There is really nothing you can do, but like you said, accept this is where you are, but you don’t have to accept that who you were married to if in their right mind would be doing this to you.
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife

A
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Help Please 5
#87: April 01, 2024, 11:46:42 AM
How I wish I did not miss her. But I do.

I literally say this about my wife every single day. I sympathize completely.
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H
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Help Please 5
#88: April 02, 2024, 02:52:34 AM
I feel like I had breakthrough today.
I finally accepted my old life is over and is not coming back. It is hard because I loved it. But now I rebuild a new life.
My lawyer rang me today. He is very good and he just said we have heard nothing about parenting. He said it might be time for the hard way and I said yes. It was how I was feeling and it felt  serendipitous.

I have also realised I am a fool to think she will do anything sensible and I need to get cracking. It will take a year or so to get a hearing so I want to get in the queue.


She continues to manipulate my girls. Getting them to tell her they want less time with me. But that is not how it works.


I have realised I need equal time and will just stick my guns. She has no power over me now.
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H
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Help Please 5
#89: April 13, 2024, 08:37:43 PM
I am away with my daughters.

The whole thing is off. I am just meant to be happy with her decision and not be sad at what she has chosen for us. It is strange how if any truth is simply ignored.

There is no logic. I am the revisionist. Not her. The consensus of independent observers is that I have been treated terribly but somehow it is my who has treated her terribly.

I am just hopeful that continued minimal contact will assist. I have decided to not go to my daughter’s birthday party and I will call in sick. Violet will be ok and I just can’t pretend.

As a veteran, I can certainly say that all the things on here true. You can’t love them back. It does take a long time and all you can do is make good decisions for yourself.

I wish I had done that sooner but I am a slow learner.

I focus on the good and that is the growth of my relationship with my daughters.
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