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Author Topic: My Story Yet another love, but not in love.

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My Story Yet another love, but not in love.
OP: January 07, 2024, 06:02:06 PM
Hello all, so 2 months ago, my life turned into living hell.
I am 37 he is 44 and he loves me, but not in love with me, you know the story right?
We are married for 6 years now and 7 together, i am his first wife. Yeah, he got married very late, he is very shy, full of self hatred and not much interested to go somewhere too far from his computer.
I am active, positive person, that just enjoys the sunshine and life...
But it worked, for 7 years i'v been happy with him, we went through a lot together, i moved to another country for him, learned completely foreign language  , we survived the deaths of both his and my parents, changed 3 or 4 different apartments, finally bought a house of our dreams and a 1.5 year later everything fell appart...
I noticed chages in him in the start of this autumn, he became more distant, he never was very communicative, but this was different, then everything started to irritate him, we had a fight or 2, and then i asked what's up?
So when he fell in love with me, i was overweighted, all of our marriage i was overweighted and ofc i need to loose weight. And put stuff in the right place, and close toilet door after i used toilet.
But no, he doesn't think that divorce is a good idea.
Here  i need to mention that i have anxiety disorder, i was in a good shape on the minimal dose of antidepressants... this conversation sent me through the roof, but i put a dose  a little higher, convince myself it's all good, i will try better and started to exercise and diet and be my best...
Until 3 weeks later, when he came drunk at 3am and told me, that it's my insecurity that made me call every hour and worry where he was...
I just got better i thought to myself. And we had The conversation, so
loves me, but not in love, we are different ppl, are we really happy? He is not. He never had a real passion in his life and he wants The real passion.
Since that moment i am on the highest dose of antidepressants + xanax. One day i had very dark time when i proposed to separate for 5 months and he gladly agreed...
For me separate means to move to a different country where my only friend lives, with foreign language and all that... we can't afford to just rent an appartement here and i have no one but my Husband here.
And then i found emotion affair, photos (not naked) of her among his porn collection. Folder was called The Woman...hah. It's his colleague and boss for 5 years now, but now i guess she is The Woman. With whome he discusses our marriage (told me himself) She is married herself with a kid, but who does it stop? So he secretly visited her, invited her to our home when i was away (but i think she refused), shares all our problems with her and gifts her child nice Christmas present... i don't think it's anything physical for now, he is to shy, to tell her.
So he is now always at work, runs as soon as she needs help, his mood obviously depends on how they spent the day.
During holidays he was really nice to me, we had a good time together, like old times, even agreed to postpone the separation ( it supposed to happened this weekend). He started sleeping well, stopped drinking...
But back to work and all this good work is going to hell before my eyes, he is distant and unhappy again, he is bored with me, he started having trouble falling asleep right away.
My anxiety and depression are up and running around and all is flying to hell.
I didn't tell him i know about her. I try to be supportive and we stopped discussing our marriage problems cause it's only hurts. He still answers that he doesn't want a divorce at the same time he stopped wearing his ring.
I don't know how much longer i can take it, i was strong, but with my disease it's not possible to live years in this environment... should i go? Leave him be and save myself? Or should i stay and try to save our marriage and him from going to the bottom, where he is heading right now ? ( he stopped paying bills, taking care of anything etc.)
Please help... somebody please help.

And ofc as he is super shy he refuses to go counseling or therapy.

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« Last Edit: February 19, 2024, 09:37:45 PM by Thunder »

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Yet another love, but not in love.
#1: January 08, 2024, 01:03:18 AM
I am very sorry that you find yourself here, but this is a pretty safe place to be bc we get it.

As has already happened, time and events will tend to unfold in a way that shows you what you are dealing with and what your options might be.

Right now though, I am going to put your marriage to one side and take a bit of a survival triage approach focused more on you. Reading your post, three things jumped out at me.

The first is anxiety. I don’t know the root cause of your anxiety or what treatment you have had or are having. But I think your instinct is right…..managing the effects of your own anxiety needs to be an absolute priority. More of a priority than you have ever made it before probably. Why? Bc you will need as much of your best self as you can to navigate this storm. I don’t say that lightly. I developed PTSD post BD and I understand how disabling it can really be….and how big the small steps feel that you take to recover and rebuild. But, regardless of what happens with your h, that work needs to start now. What are you currently doing other than meds? What have you found in the past works for you? What help do you think you need for anxiety to be in the back seat of your life?

The second is the practical stuff of money and security that you can control. How able are you currently to financially support yourself if you needed to? What do you see as the priority here bc it is reasonable that insecurity about those basic things adds to your anxiety, right? Are you working? And have you taken legal advice on your options if the current situation changes?

And finally the third thing that strikes me is that you sound a bit isolated? If I understand you right, you are living in another country? Do you have family there or elsewhere? Your own friends or support system? I ask bc imho it takes a village to navigate the big storms of life and we humans are wired for connection. Both big friendships and little daily interactions are how we walk in the world as who we are….and if our closest relationship is no longer available, we need that even more. What are you currently doing to find that in other parts of your life?

I am so very sorry for your distress. We can hear it and we are sending you a virtual hug through the ether. I wish we could do it in person.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Yet another love, but not in love.
#2: January 08, 2024, 02:57:59 AM
Hi iona,

So sorry for you ending on this situation. Do acknowledge this is save space to share deepest fears and wounds, and heal and grow.

Having read your text, I would say your number one priority is going into personal counseling. Both for anxiety and relationship. If the plane crashes down, you need to put oxygen mask for yourself first before you can even try to save others. Marriage counselling hardly ever works unless both partners are genuinely willing and ready, and from cheap seats it looks like you both need a lot of work and time. Have you contacted public healthcare (or similar) for help?

Regardless of what happens for your marriage, life will turn out well. Nobody wishes to go through this kind of "hard school of life", but you will not go to hell and back without learning skills that make the future you the best version of you. But right here and right now you should focus on the basics first: your health, your safety, and your financials. Write down a honest list of

A) what you have and where you stand - health, money, work, safety,  human connections etc

B) what are your fears - how do you cope, do you have enough money to live on your own etc

C) how do you secure your basics - Instead if trying to fix all in day, make a realistic and detailed plan. Most likely it will take several months to reach from A to B. Time will become your best friend when you learn to respond instead of reacting blindly with anxious knee-jerk.

Hope this helps you a bit.

Alvin

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At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

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Yet another love, but not in love.
#3: January 08, 2024, 03:54:37 AM
Dear Iona, so sorry you are here, but also glad you found the forum so early as you will be among people who understand the complexities of your situation and will try to help guide you through the storm.

I think many of us here will identify with the journey you describe as your H first becomes distant, then irritable (angry) and finally seems to become a cold stranger. You are in the early stages (as am I at 18 months in - yes, this who $h!teshow takes TIME) and you will see / experience lots of emotional cycling (you and him) and things you just can't seem to make sense of, or think him capable of. The first year at least is the most turbulent, so as others have said, you need to get your oxygen mask on first and stabilize.

Both you and your H have had a lot of hardship and stress in the last few years - significant bereavement, relocation, moving house many times, job changes. It's likely that your H was triggered into MLC by one of these events and slipped downwards to the point where his 'landscape' became bleak and overwhelming and his coping style, it seems, is to run (aka escape and avoid).  Unfortunately, you are part of that landscape, intertwined with all the difficulty and trauma. And to add to that, you were probably struggling a bit yourself and he likely could not cope with your (very reasonable and ordinary) need for care. IMO, this is not uncommon. The stronger spouse gets sick, or needs emotional support, and it tips the crisis person to BD. It's completely unfair of course. You did not cause any of this, but somehow you become collateral damage. On the plus side, you appear to have much better coping skills (you did not run, you tried to support him, you reached out for help etc etc). If this is an identity / midlife crisis he does not have a clear enough sense of himself to take responsibility, so he blames his environment and goes looking for an external fix (IMO a mama figure to sooth him - my interpretation on his EA). Sadly, he now needs to separate to learn that he is responsible for his own happiness, and actions, and that a life hidden inside a screen (avoidance plus) is not a component of a healthy relationship (you mentioned pornography also - another avoidance IMO).

Lot's to unpack I suppose and I know this is hard, but a part of why he is in crisis is because he needs to emotionally mature. Hopefully, his journey will mean he comes to see what he is in danger of losing.

You ask if you should leave. The general wisdom here is that the person who want out leaves. But only you know the particulars of your situation. In my situation, having the solid ground of my own home, familiar neighbourhood and local friends was extremely important. Even now, after a 1.5 years, the prospect of leaving this harbour that is my home is really hard - but I don't have a live in MLC. So try, if possible, not to react (the urge to leave is also an emotional response to 'escape') but instead respond. Responding often means taking time. Give yourself some grace. Slow down and take pressure off yourself to 'DO' or even to make a decision. For now, if you can do the very active thing of putting in support for yourself (IC, friends, exercise etc) then you will be doing a lot.

You do not deserve this, and it is not your fault, but you are suffering the consequences of a person lashing out through crisis.

(((((hugs))))))
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« Last Edit: January 08, 2024, 04:13:47 AM by KayDee »

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#4: January 08, 2024, 04:44:38 AM
I am very sorry that you find yourself here, but this is a pretty safe place to be bc we get it.

As has already happened, time and events will tend to unfold in a way that shows you what you are dealing with and what your options might be.

Right now though, I am going to put your marriage to one side and take a bit of a survival triage approach focused more on you. Reading your post, three things jumped out at me.

The first is anxiety. I don’t know the root cause of your anxiety or what treatment you have had or are having. But I think your instinct is right…..managing the effects of your own anxiety needs to be an absolute priority. More of a priority than you have ever made it before probably. Why? Bc you will need as much of your best self as you can to navigate this storm. I don’t say that lightly. I developed PTSD post BD and I understand how disabling it can really be….and how big the small steps feel that you take to recover and rebuild. But, regardless of what happens with your h, that work needs to start now. What are you currently doing other than meds? What have you found in the past works for you? What help do you think you need for anxiety to be in the back seat of your life?

The second is the practical stuff of money and security that you can control. How able are you currently to financially support yourself if you needed to? What do you see as the priority here bc it is reasonable that insecurity about those basic things adds to your anxiety, right? Are you working? And have you taken legal advice on your options if the current situation changes?

And finally the third thing that strikes me is that you sound a bit isolated? If I understand you right, you are living in another country? Do you have family there or elsewhere? Your own friends or support system? I ask bc imho it takes a village to navigate the big storms of life and we humans are wired for connection. Both big friendships and little daily interactions are how we walk in the world as who we are….and if our closest relationship is no longer available, we need that even more. What are you currently doing to find that in other parts of your life?

I am so very sorry for your distress. We can hear it and we are sending you a virtual hug through the ether. I wish we could do it in person.

Well i see psychiatrist and i have a good support system on the mental health front, i would say it's getting better and meds work. I do some exercises but not talking therapy, which i probably need now.
I need calm environment to be out of my anxiety, which is not possible at home right now, we don't have scandals or heavy talks, but the atmosphere itself is awful sometimes.
On the money front for now there are no issues, i talked to a lawyer and even in the worst case scenario i will be fine, though when i discussed it with my husband he proposed good price for my head...sorry, bad sence of humor.  But i will have to move to another country, this one is too expensive, even if i will find a job.
Now i am concentrated on getring my health in a better shape, all this stress caused a couple of fixable problems, that i am actively working on.
I am very introverted person, been like that almost all my life, so my support system is terribly small but powerful. I didn't feel lonely all those years, but now i do...

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Yet another love, but not in love.
#5: January 08, 2024, 05:07:46 AM
Dear Iona, so sorry you are here, but also glad you found the forum so early as you will be among people who understand the complexities of your situation and will try to help guide you through the storm.

I think many of us here will identify with the journey you describe as your H first becomes distant, then irritable (angry) and finally seems to become a cold stranger. You are in the early stages (as am I at 18 months in - yes, this who $h!teshow takes TIME) and you will see / experience lots of emotional cycling (you and him) and things you just can't seem to make sense of, or think him capable of. The first year at least is the most turbulent, so as others have said, you need to get your oxygen mask on first and stabilize.

Both you and your H have had a lot of hardship and stress in the last few years - significant bereavement, relocation, moving house many times, job changes. It's likely that your H was triggered into MLC by one of these events and slipped downwards to the point where his 'landscape' became bleak and overwhelming and his coping style, it seems, is to run (aka escape and avoid).  Unfortunately, you are part of that landscape, intertwined with all the difficulty and trauma. And to add to that, you were probably struggling a bit yourself and he likely could not cope with your (very reasonable and ordinary) need for care. IMO, this is not uncommon. The stronger spouse gets sick, or needs emotional support, and it tips the crisis person to BD. It's completely unfair of course. You did not cause any of this, but somehow you become collateral damage. On the plus side, you appear to have much better coping skills (you did not run, you tried to support him, you reached out for help etc etc). If this is an identity / midlife crisis he does not have a clear enough sense of himself to take responsibility, so he blames his environment and goes looking for an external fix (IMO a mama figure to sooth him - my interpretation on his EA). Sadly, he now needs to separate to learn that he is responsible for his own happiness, and actions, and that a life hidden inside a screen (avoidance plus) is not a component of a healthy relationship (you mentioned pornography also - another avoidance IMO).

Lot's to unpack I suppose and I know this is hard, but a part of why he is in crisis is because he needs to emotionally mature. Hopefully, his journey will mean he comes to see what he is in danger of losing.

You ask if you should leave. The general wisdom here is that the person who want out leaves. But only you know the particulars of your situation. In my situation, having the solid ground of my own home, familiar neighbourhood and local friends was extremely important. Even now, after a 1.5 years, the prospect of leaving this harbour that is my home is really hard - but I don't have a live in MLC. So try, if possible, not to react (the urge to leave is also an emotional response to 'escape') but instead respond. Responding often means taking time. Give yourself some grace. Slow down and take pressure off yourself to 'DO' or even to make a decision. For now, if you can do the very active thing of putting in support for yourself (IC, friends, exercise etc) then you will be doing a lot.

You do not deserve this, and it is not your fault, but you are suffering the consequences of a person lashing out through crisis.

(((((hugs))))))

Thank you so much for your support. I agree almost with everything you said. Yes, unfortunately he is a shy, scared teenager inside, who loves to run from any problem and procrastinate till it "passes". This one will not pass ofc, but he still uses old tools to deal with it.
I started to get him into sport, we run together, play badminton, i try to get him out there a little bit, to maybe show the way out for his bad emotions.
The house is his, ofc legally i have the right to stay, but i will not go this path if he will tell me to go, it's not who i am. My cocern is that i don't have my friend here and calm environment, and it might be bad for me, while moving away might give me some normal human interaction, support and calm.
For now he talks to me, shares if he is in a bad place or a good place, if he wants to interact with me or not etc. and i don't cry, yell, demand, i try to maintain a friendly and calm atmosphere at home, where he is allowed to do whatever pleases him and gets him through the day.
I don't know if he will finally snap and say that separation is the only way, but i am not raising this topic myself, i learn on my mistakes.
I see that he tries very hard to please me too, participate in the activities that we are doing together or even those that i like much more, than him, tries not to put on me too much of his bad mood. He really tries, i pray for him, that he finds his way forward and pray that he will not destroy the beautiful love and appreciation we have for each other.
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Yet another love, but not in love.
#6: January 08, 2024, 05:20:50 AM
Hi iona,

So sorry for you ending on this situation. Do acknowledge this is save space to share deepest fears and wounds, and heal and grow.

Having read your text, I would say your number one priority is going into personal counseling. Both for anxiety and relationship. If the plane crashes down, you need to put oxygen mask for yourself first before you can even try to save others. Marriage counselling hardly ever works unless both partners are genuinely willing and ready, and from cheap seats it looks like you both need a lot of work and time. Have you contacted public healthcare (or similar) for help?

Regardless of what happens for your marriage, life will turn out well. Nobody wishes to go through this kind of "hard school of life", but you will not go to hell and back without learning skills that make the future you the best version of you. But right here and right now you should focus on the basics first: your health, your safety, and your financials. Write down a honest list of

A) what you have and where you stand - health, money, work, safety,  human connections etc

B) what are your fears - how do you cope, do you have enough money to live on your own etc

C) how do you secure your basics - Instead if trying to fix all in day, make a realistic and detailed plan. Most likely it will take several months to reach from A to B. Time will become your best friend when you learn to respond instead of reacting blindly with anxious knee-jerk.

Hope this helps you a bit.

Alvin

Yes, personal counseling seems to be my next step in this jorney, i really need some support on this front.
I have my plan A, which is to try to stay here with him and work together if possible
And my plan B where i go away, both of them are covered financially and i am working on my health issues, so should be able to handle in both cases.
I guess what scares me the most is that for me, it's my 3rd serious relationship, i hoped the last... And i really don't want to go back to dating, falling in love and all of that, i just want calm boring life. I know i will be able to, i am just scared of that perspective and really don't want it.

Thank you for your support!
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Yet another love, but not in love.
#7: January 08, 2024, 11:44:58 AM
Many things in your story rang true to mine. What I will say is that all that change and moving can be huge in all this when it stops. That can make a MLCer feel bored or needing excitement ( passion )  constant change that stops can make a person who has not dealt with inner issues can definitely make them come to the forefront. It definitely did for my XH.

I agree with others on checking out an IC to clear your head and help with your anxiety. The anxiety can be crippling in the beginning and continue to journal. You will really be glad to be able to go back and see and read how your story unfolded and how far you come, but even more that what you thought and what was may not have been right and that alone answers some of the intuitional conflict you feel.
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife

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Yet another love, but not in love.
#8: January 09, 2024, 04:46:02 PM
Well today is one of those good days, when i almost forget what is happening to him and to me.
This morning i saw his ring was back on the finger, even if for one day, it's already something, i know it can all crush and burn tomorrow, but it's the day, when i feel calm and it's good for my health.
We spoke about his mlc, how he handles it and he sounded pretty reasonable, says he understood that it will take time, that he wanted to snap out of it, but it's obviously not possible, so he takes it as it is... and tries to be functional enough to lead a comfortable life ( which he mentioned is  comfortable thanks to me doing almost everything including his chores) he is very naive and thinks that it's the matter of weeks, mayby months...i added years for his consideration.
He apologized for "not being much of anything lately", and thanked me for my patience and friendly, calm attitude and environment at home.
I wonder will it count when he will finally find the passion that will accept him and kick me out of my home...will see :/
No talks about separation, some plans for future ( house improvements etc.), a lot of physical contact after 3 days of being moody and almost unavailable.
Tomorrow he will see her again and i will have another day of wonder - which husband will return home? Happy and energetic like he is on drugs or sad and moody like he didn't get some.
And i will just work on one thing, that it shouldn't matter in which mood he comes back, i should be fine, yet another step on the long path to get My happiness back and my happiness is inside me, not him.
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Yet another love, but not in love.
#9: January 11, 2024, 08:51:56 PM
Welcome to the board, iona.

This is a great place to write about your journey.  If you have not had a chance to do so, check out the link in my signature "Survival Instructions for Newbies."
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Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

 

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