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Author Topic: My Story Yet another love, but not in love.

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My Story Yet another love, but not in love.
#10: January 13, 2024, 08:08:06 AM
I told him i know about ow, i told him everything, he refused to end those relationship ( cause they will never be real) and he is gonna loose his job. Ultimatums didn't work either. He says that he loves me, wants to work on our relationship, again making some plans for the future. We cried for 2 days straight, he cried that he is sorry and told me a lot about how all that happened to our marriage. He is in a bad mood now again, i am going to psychiatrist on monday to see if hospitalisation needed. Great talk, great marriage....
Ah and he said that if she would say yes, he would be a fool not to try.
I don't know what to say... i am morally done.
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Yet another love, but not in love.
#11: January 20, 2024, 01:19:37 PM
5 month separation ahead of me. I can't do this anymore to myself and he can be free and happy...
I doubt he will be, but he doesn't.
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Yet another love, but not in love.
#12: January 20, 2024, 09:56:18 PM
Sending hugs Iona.  You hang in there.
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Yet another love, but not in love.
#13: January 21, 2024, 03:57:09 PM
Sending hugs Iona.  You hang in there.

It is surprising, but when i finally agreed to this stupid separation i actually started feeling mich better in terms of anxiety. I demanded financial guarantees on paper and said i am ready to give him time after he signs it. He agreed, so that will be done before i leave...
I decided not to decide what to do next with my life each morning, step by step i will figure it out. And he... well, he made his choice and he is pretty convinced that he is not gonna loose me if he will not want to. Which might be second of his mistakes during this crisis.

Thank you for your support!
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Yet another love, but not in love.
#14: January 22, 2024, 12:56:20 AM
He's living the life in La La Land where he can see nothing but pink cotton candy clouds, fuzzy puppy dogs with waggly tails and Unicorns running around farting clouds of rainbow glitter.

Until the consequences of his actions are beating him in the face with a tire iron, he won't get the point. Even then, it is highly likely, if he is following the MLC for Dummies script, it will be YOUR fault that he is having to deal with the consequences of his actions.

You are 100% correct that his new found "Happy Life" is NOT going to make him happy int eh end because, well.... No matter how fast or how far he runs, there he is.... with all the same old FOO, the same old problems, the same old same old.....

As for you, taking care of yourself is the #1 priority, in whatever form that takes. You can only control yourself and your own actions.
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Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
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Yet another love, but not in love.
#15: January 22, 2024, 12:43:54 PM
Well, for now i sometimes still wonder if it's MLC, cause he really tries to be nice. He is nice guy in general. But god knows for what he blames me for deep inside.
I see that he suffers, see that he is not happy with himself, with me, with everything. So he really wants to escape this feeling, with separation, OW, whatever it takes. I don't know if he will succeed in this journey,  but i know, that he ruined my life pretty good in the process.
For now i feel like taking what i can salvage out of this mess and give him his time and space, using it to rebuild myself and understand what is next for me in My life. All this questions bring anxiety, so i try to move really slow in my thoughts, taking it step at a time.
I am terrified of the future, ofc. I wasnt alone since i was 17. I didn't work since 23. But i will get there... i am not weak. I know there is a lot of tears and suffering ahead, but there is also something nice there, just need to survive until i will be my smily positive self again.
My health got much better, it's my victory today, to find out that i am doing better and continue on this road. At least on this path i know how to achieve my goals;)
I totally break all the rules and cry in his arms every day. Not talking, just crying. I am not a robot, i am not forbidden to show my emotions to the person i still love and he is kind enough for now to hug me and let me feel the warmth of his body. After a while i calm down and it helps me. Does it make him feel bad? I don't know and i shouldn't care, he didn't care when he hurt me the way he did.
Maybe i will loose him because of it, but if so, then for the better.

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Yet another love, but not in love.
#16: January 23, 2024, 08:57:38 AM
The day that your psychiatrist tells you " go away from him for a while, he is bad for your health.". Soon sooon.
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Yet another love, but not in love.
#17: January 25, 2024, 12:06:43 AM
Yet another long talk.
His thoughts to not forget:
Affraid that is ruining everything
Realize that ow is illusion and it's not better there, but can't control his emotions, which is also frustrating to him.
Became the person in professional and private life that he never wanted to be and forgot who he really is.
Wants the separation to be invisible
Started to notice that because head is always in the fog slips at work, friendships, relationship with me and it pisses him off and he wants to hide.
Thought that after all those tough years he will  finally breath out and instead "this" happened to him.
Has the question  "Is that it?" in life.
Realize that if we reconcile it should be partially new relationship.
Is very sorry for what he does to me and our marriage. Full of guilt.
Is afraid that he ruined our marriage to the point of no return, i said he didn't, he said he will try to trust me on that, but not sure he will be able all the time.
At now point i am like a mirror that he sees his bad moods in.
Life is $h!te but he is just a little boy with a stupid dream to live in the fantasy. (His words)
It's not that bad, how he is now, he's been much worse.

Me...
i need to go rest from this.



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« Last Edit: January 25, 2024, 12:09:08 AM by iona »

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Re: Yet another love, but not in love.
#18: January 25, 2024, 03:48:19 PM
Your psychiatrist is a good one. Space from this emotional dumping he's doing on you will help you stabilize.

He's saying what many of us heard at the time our spouses were weighing their options. He's going to try to keep you on those eggshells by saying things like

Quote
Is afraid that he ruined our marriage to the point of no return, i said he didn't, he said he will try to trust me on that, but not sure he will be able all the time.

Now it's up to YOU to reassure him that you'll still take him back no matter what, without any wavering or "he can't trust YOU". It's a no-win. We've all been there.

You have complete confirmation that he's in the throws of MLC and limerence. Unfortunately, your grief over the loss of your marriage as you knew it is not a shared one. Be careful in turning to him for comfort, and notice how he's dumping his feelings on you, while not leaving space to consider your feelings. What would you do with an unruly teen who is doing this to you? Set a boundary, and maintain your own view of reality above all else.

You might also research "Complicated Grief". I found it described my initially few years perfectly.
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Yet another love, but not in love.
#19: January 25, 2024, 11:12:05 PM
Wise words from Ready.
It’s a simple (if uncomfortable) truth I think that the person who is hurting us can’t heal us and that it isn’t our job to soothe them while they hurt us.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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