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Author Topic: MLC Monster DRAMA

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MLC Monster DRAMA
OP: June 23, 2010, 08:02:37 PM
Why are MLCER's such suckers for drama?  What are the dynamics behind it?
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Re: DRAMA
#1: June 23, 2010, 08:05:33 PM
I think it should be MLCD - midlife crisis drama!

What happened, Buggy?
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Re: DRAMA
#2: June 23, 2010, 08:17:37 PM
A crisis without drama wouldn't be a crisis.....it would be a transition.
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Re: DRAMA
#3: June 23, 2010, 08:29:12 PM
Drama is the truth behind it all. For someone who just wants to have fun, they certainly get bent out of shape rather quickly. They also develop one mean and nasty tongue. My wife never swore prior to this, now she can use the f-word like a sailor. Yet, I smile and move on. If I get hot, become frustrated, I close my eyes, and imagine myself typing on this keyboard to my friends at this site. I just got an A on a major assignment for my doctoral and my ten year old and I rode bikes for over an hour. She was so proud of herself as she went the entire distance without stopping. She then came home and actually took a shower without complaining. What a miracle.

 The one thing this whole mess is that you begin to appreciate the minor victories in life. A good day is truly a good day. This whole process reminds when you are very ill and have a fever. That awful feeling is so overwhelming, you can't remember that you how you felt when you were well. Sometimes I think to myself, someone is going to pop out from the bushes and say, "Jokes over, HA,HA. You did so well. Your wife was just messing with you. Go home and everything will be back to normal. Of course, I go home and the replicant is sill in the computer room. Damn.

My older daughter is starting to melt towards me again. Someone told me the other day she was telling a group of girls that she hates her mother. I told my friend that she did not know about the OM. He said, "Your wife nor you told me anything about it either, but I was told Believe me, she might not know everything, but she is probably in the loop somehow. I have not talked to my daughter about it. I don't want her to be a part of what's between her mother and I. Don't even know how to start. At fourteen, her life is already complicated. Maybe someone on this site can help me in that arena. Talking about drama.

I wonder if my wife knows that her daughter said she hated her. She thinks the girls adore her and that they see me as the bad guy. I bought into that lie. The drama of that was worse then the OM. Now, I see how the MCLer uses guilt and drama for power and to justify their own actions. Well, she's out of the shower and my story that started somewhat sane is now just a ramble of thoughts - but I do agree, everything would be a lot better if there wasn't so much drama.
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« Last Edit: June 23, 2010, 08:30:50 PM by readytofixmyselffirst »
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Re: DRAMA
#4: June 24, 2010, 07:24:35 AM
Everything is actually okay right now but I was reading some of the articles and read that MLCERS love drama.  I see this in my husband and I see how he seeks to create drama with me but I'm exhausted and becoming more and more detached so I don't give him the "fix" he's looking for.  He is projecting and directing a lot of his drama toward my family which is going to be a doozy to heal if he every emerges from the tunnel.  I don't feed it.  I don't participate and I am setting boundaries with family members.  I'm not interested in talking about his life outside our family relationships... Except to all of you
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Re: DRAMA
#5: June 24, 2010, 07:59:44 AM
Buggy, I have been wondering the same thing about their need to feed off of drama like little girls in jr. high!  My H texts the OW's H, me, stirs things up with his family, sometimes my kids...it's insane.  He has rambled on and on to the neighbors, friends from church...almost in a manic way sometimes.  I too try to ignore it.  That seems to be the only answer.  Still it is bizarre! 

Rdytofix, I have a 14-year-old also.  I kept the details from him as it was all occurring.  He knew vaguely about OW, but we did not discuss it until we absolutely had to (when OW became pregnant).  Then it was like all of the blanks were filled in for him.  I could literally see the wheels turning in his mind.  It was difficult to watch the painful realization, but I became the stable parent in that very moment.  We have had some very open, honest conversations since then, and our relationship has benefitted greatly from all of it!

Before he wondered why I was crying all the time, etc...  Now he knows the whole truth, and ugly as it may be, sometimes I think that kids "deal" better when the facts are all on the table.  When they have to guess and wonder, it is difficult and they don't know what to think. 

Hopefully when they emerge the drama factor will be gone and they will remember what it's like to be a mature adult!  I can't take all the he said/she said stuff.  I have enough of that with  my daughter!   :)
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Re: DRAMA
#6: June 24, 2010, 08:27:08 AM
HI
I have a D14 and was having tons of anger problems with her, its all under lost & unsure. Right now she been "good" again, treating me normal.  I found that he spools her up, tells her stuff that isn't true.  I told her the truth and that I no longer want to talk about him because I don't approve of his behavior. I don't talk about him with her pretty much at all, just when he's picking her up.  She meet the OW because he felt she needed to know her to prove he was over me. Another nut statement from a mlcer. I also found that the calmer I am around her the better she responds and since I quit responding to any nasty comments from her, she stop throw them at me.  I think it is important to let our children know that the mlcer's  behavior is wrong, OW/OM are wrong, running away is wrong, and D should not be just convenient.     
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Re: DRAMA
#7: June 26, 2010, 08:07:44 AM
My H tries to suck me into his drama about once every 3 months.
I have stopped reacting which confuses him.
I think it is about control issues and him trying to control me and my life.
When things don't go his way - he spews to try and get me to persue.
Instead all I do is distance more.
Patience is key.

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Re: DRAMA
#8: June 26, 2010, 08:50:37 AM
I am seeing more and more how much it is about control.  The less he can control me the angrier he gets.  That's when he might want to incite me with drama.  This is when I breathe and get ready to be strong and not react. Depending on the subject it's easier at some times than others.  But it helps knowing what riles me up so I can be aware.  Finances and my children are biggies, obviously.  One communicating strategy I use with him is to make "gentle suggestions" rather than demands.  Mostly in the form of questions.  Like
M "Maybe you might want to think about taking the kids on Saturday rather than Sunday because you have plans for Sunday (his day on the "kid schedule")?"
H "Yeah that "might" not be a problem.  I don't think I have any plans.  Let me see and get back to you
M "Okay"

He sends me an email the next day stating
I'll watch the kids on Saturday if that's not a problem with you (It's as if it wasn't my suggestion)

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Pain is not a punishment, pleasure not a reward.  ~Pema Chodron

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Re: DRAMA
#9: June 26, 2010, 08:57:06 AM
Just remember that for depressed people/mental illness, CONTROL IS what it is all about.
They need to control things to help to fight their illness.
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Re: DRAMA
#10: July 02, 2010, 06:43:50 PM
Even in depression they get attention by being different then they were before. I don't think they are doing this on purpose. I believe it is subconscious, the body trying to get attention or help from an outside source.

So the body acts out in order to get better. My opinion anyway, don't know if this makes any sense.
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Re: DRAMA
#11: July 02, 2010, 07:56:55 PM
Drama is something a MLC'er uses to feed his or her justification for their actions...very similar to a teenager in pubery who overreacts(at least in a parent's estimation)to a setting of limits.

Since the MLC'er is an adult, or is supposed to be;  and while I realize it makes  no sense that their sense of responsibility is totally gone; yet, when you think about it, a wayward teen that is causing loads of trouble or "drama" is not much different.

It is definitely about CONTROL of a situation; one set of rules for the MLC'er(according to their sense of entitlement) another set of rules for the LBS.

The more drama the MLC'er can cause; the more CONTROL they THINK they have gained within a situation.

When you refuse to engage; it, in effect, takes away their ammunition for feeding their jusitification...and at first it makes them VERY angry; that they cannot get a rise out of the LBS...and like a child, they will keep trying.

As time goes on, and the refusal to engage becomes more firm; it does become a "limit" that is set upon the MLC'er...actually forcing them to accept that their behavior no longer affects the LBS...and they have to find another way to relate; much like that SAME teen who is testing the limits.

The refusal to engage the MLC'er is the ONLY type of boundary that can be set in early MLC that will hold strong.

However, it takes a great amount of strength to stop engaging.  It is all too easy to start arguing back, and see it get totally out of control to the point the MLC'er is more or less satisfied that the LBS is as "weak" as he/she THOUGHT they were, and the MLC'er sees it as regaining control of the situation as a whole once again.

If the situation goes too far, and I've seen it do this, the LBS can lose control of themselves, saying and doing things they can never take back...and that is the goal of drama...to see how far the MLC'er can go before having the "bad" guy complex turned on the LBS.

Never mind the fact the MLC'er started all this crap; in the end of said drama the LBS gets the blame because they will say something that can never be taken back, and that will be filed away in the memory bank of the MLC'er to be brought as ammunition for another time..playing on the guilt of the LBS for having lost control of themselves.


Yet, even with the strongest of "non-engagers",  the anger will oftentimes come out anyway, but that is necessary as the anger MUST come out of them, one way or the other...as the fires of the crisis burn strongly within them for a time before burning out to embers.

How long, I cannot say; it is up to the person going through.

I know this is metaphorical thinking..yet, I remember  literally "burning" within until ALL my anger had come out, and was exhausted out...then, the "fires" within me burned totally out, taking something OUT of me....and I don't know what it was.  Don't think I haven't asked the Lord about it.

He only said that it was a "fire of change" that burned within me at that time...that was all..as this IS what the crisis/transition honestly is.

I had some physical symptoms of this "fire"..I had "hot spots" on my face and parts of my body that didn't go away until I was literally "burned out".  Strange, but true.

This was my own experience with drama while I was within my transition: I was always spoiling for an argument, until that time of 'burnout'; and my husband engaged me many times because he didn't understand what was going on with me.  I'd have moments of clarity, explain what I knew was true, that I was going through the change of life; that I needed to be left alone to work through it all......he'd forget, and the next time he called, and I snapped at him; he'd engage me once again..and we had literal screaming matches that got out of control...yet, neither one of us made a move to leave the other.

This went on for well over a year, as I remember.  My experience with this was different than my husband's but the PAIN was the same; intense, deep, irritating; aggravating me to death.  I didn't want to be within this fire, but I had NO choice; this change comes for all in varying different ways.

Different things come back at different times for me; but I don't remember it chronologically.

I remember the beginning and the remember the ending clearly, but between was a blur at times...and some of it is NOT very clear at all.

I do, and am allowed to remember MORE about his, than mine.

I hope this helps. :)







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Re: DRAMA
#12: July 02, 2010, 09:07:41 PM
There are a couple of things that also add to the drama created by the MLCer.  One is that the MLCer will "push the buttons" of the spouse.  This is done to get the spouse on the "defensive", which in turn provides the MLCer with justification for what they are doing.

The other thing I believe contributes to the drama is that the MLCer typically pulls back on responsibilities.  This is a basic part of the MLC journey on the front end.  A couple of websites (I think I've seen it on this one) refers to this as the "urge to abandon".  Whether the marriage....or children....or job....or whatever it might be.  They may not actually abandon any or all of these, but they desire to do so....and some actually do abandon one or more.
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Re: DRAMA
#13: July 02, 2010, 10:59:31 PM
Oh, the urge to abandon!  My H was going to abandon his job for a couple of years (never did and now doesn't talk about it anymore).  He abandoned his wife, kids, and faith.  So far he has reconnected with the kids (and I guess his job) . We'll see if his wife and faith follow . . .

He definitely said he didn't want those responsibilities anymore. 
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Re: DRAMA
#14: July 03, 2010, 03:54:47 AM
Don'tgiveup--I'm so glad you wrote that MLCer's try to push buttons to create drama.  H is rather subdued and nice this week as his plans to leave are coming together.  He's tried to push a few buttons though related to our son and his new place.  He does this in a casual "I'm disclosing everything" nice guy way.  I'm certain he wanted a reaction, but I didn't give it to him.  I knew this was what was happening, but it's nice to read it. 
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Re: DRAMA
#15: July 03, 2010, 04:13:10 AM
What happens when the MLCer stops spewing the anger and drama on you and directs it towards the kids?  My children have had a really hard time excepting that my husband has moved in with the OW and her children.  They feel abandoned and scared.  Instead of my H rebuilding trust with them, he continues to tell them that this is all my fault and says nasty and hurtful things to them for not really wanting to be bothered with him or wanting to visit.  How can I protect my children from the drama? They are only 9 and 11.
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Re: DRAMA
#16: July 03, 2010, 07:47:09 AM
I'm not going to advise you on what to do, but I'll give you my opinion on "why" he might be doing it.  You'll have to decide what action to take and what boundaries to set.

MLCers ALWAYS seek justification.  Your husband is in many ways accomplishing a few things at once.  He's blaming you for how he feels through the kids AND pushing your buttons at the same time.  And of course since he's convinced himself you are to blame, he's also given himself the justification he's looking for.
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Re: DRAMA
#17: July 03, 2010, 07:58:21 AM
scdelta,

That stinks.  I wish they could leave the kids out of it!  My H has done well thus far, but it seems like resistance from the kids makes him spew to them also.  My S spoke up about H being late last week and H pushed back, slamming me in the process.  I have to think they are only digging their own grave by doing this.

I agree with HB about us giving them what they want when we engage.  I am still beating myself up over last weekend's poking of the dragon.  H ended it with a bang, and I've only texted him a "yes" and a "fine" since.  Who knows if he cares or not.  I really doubt it.  He's bonding this weekend with OW, their baby and he is probably reveling in the fact that D8 has been there nonstop.

Besides drama, or as a part of, I don't understand why they seek approval.  H often goes out of his way to tell me how happy the kids are with him.  He clearly wants me to think that he's a good dad.  One minute he's stirring up crap and spewing, the next he wants an award for being Betty Crocker.
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Re: DRAMA
#18: July 09, 2010, 03:29:21 PM
SCDelta,

I know this forum is about standing and trying to save the marriage. However, the children are to be protected at all times. Neither my wife nor I have tried to put down each other in front of the kids. For example, my oldest was being very sarcastic to my wife. I made her apologize. My kids have not told me that their mother has made any disparaging remarks about me either. She may not interact with them as much as she used to, but she is not mean to them either. You need to draw the line with him on behavior to the kids. It is okay for her to vent and blame me. It hurts me really bad, but I have the support structures in place to survive. Your children are not equipped with the same coping strategies and the results can be devastating. Stand for yourself, but fight for your kids. If it continues and you feel it is harming your children, get a temporary restraining order against him and then make it permanent until he understands that behavior will never be acceptable.

Have a great weekend.
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Re: DRAMA
#19: July 10, 2010, 11:29:51 AM
When you refuse to engage; it, in effect, takes away their ammunition for feeding their jusitification...and at first it makes them VERY angry; that they cannot get a rise out of the LBS...and like a child, they will keep trying.

As time goes on, and the refusal to engage becomes more firm; it does become a "limit" that is set upon the MLC'er...actually forcing them to accept that their behavior no longer affects the LBS...and they have to find another way to relate; much like that SAME teen who is testing the limits.

The refusal to engage the MLC'er is the ONLY type of boundary that can be set in early MLC that will hold strong.

However, it takes a great amount of strength to stop engaging.  It is all too easy to start arguing back, and see it get totally out of control to the point the MLC'er is more or less satisfied that the LBS is as "weak" as he/she THOUGHT they were, and the MLC'er sees it as regaining control of the situation as a whole once again.

:)

Is this why at some points NC becomes necessary?  I find that since my husband has left he is getting angrier and angrier.  I was pushed to my limit last week when he spewed at me with such things that were so OBVIOUSLY projections that I told him I needed some emotional space from him.  Since then I have been NC with a couple moments of interaction over the children.  I felt weak the day he spewed because I told him "I will not talk to you right now about this"  this made him angrier and I gave in.  I knew in the moment I was making a mistake.  NC has helped me to move through my emotions without having to brace myself for his emotional state if that makes since.  I know how important it is because I feel very thrown off even if he texts me.  Do you think NC gives the LBS strength to develope into a non-engager?  I didn't put a time limit on NC but the plan is to do it until I feel emotionally strong enough to not get sucked in like I did so quickly.
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Pain is not a punishment, pleasure not a reward.  ~Pema Chodron

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.  ~Oscare Wilde

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Re: DRAMA
#20: July 10, 2010, 11:55:24 AM
I think you are starting to get it.

NC is not a necessity,
detachment is a necessity.

A lot of people can NOT get to the state of detachment without being NC.
When you are NC detachment is MUCH easier.
When they are spewing and invovled with all the antics detachment is very diificult.

I hope this helps.
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Re: DRAMA
#21: July 10, 2010, 03:51:42 PM
OP how did you go NC while still living with your wife?
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Pain is not a punishment, pleasure not a reward.  ~Pema Chodron

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.  ~Oscare Wilde

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Re: DRAMA
#22: July 10, 2010, 03:54:10 PM
It wasn't easy, but part of it was that she went NC with me also.
So to go NC was much easier for me.

I will give you some tips later, I have to go eat dinner.
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Re: DRAMA
#23: July 10, 2010, 04:26:45 PM
If she came into the room I was in I would get up and go into a different room.
Also I have no  young children so we did not have to talk about our children.
I also got a part time job during this period,
so I would be out of the house three or four nights a week.
I also was volunteering to officiate swim meets almost every weekend that I was free.

I was living my life and she was living hers, to some extent we are still doing that.
I am trying to make an effort to be with her and reattach now and that is hard work also.
Especially since I am not being welcomed with open arms.

This is why I am saying you must learn how to detach.
It is the single most important thing that the LBS can do with a MLC spouse.
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Re: DRAMA
#24: July 10, 2010, 06:01:42 PM
I have a female border student and I see her once a week face to face for 2 min. if that, even though we live in the same house. If I want to ask her something, usually I write her a note and leave it by the phone and she replies in the same manner.

It is funny how one can live in the same house and if they really want, never see or hear each other.
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Re: DRAMA
#25: July 10, 2010, 08:27:46 PM
Thanks for the tips.  I know I have to maintain NC but it is hard because we have young ones.  He is not NC and I believe may be a bit of a clinger.  I think NC/dark/dim make him angry and really bring out monster.  Luckily with NC I don't have to see it in his eyes or deal with it.  I do worry about whether the children get it.  He still wants to be involved with children which in some ways is genuine and other ways a bit of a manipulative way to keep me engaged. 

I've done a good job of NC for one week which is quite a task with two young daughters and a newborn son.  The one time I did see him he showed up early for one of his days my neighbor was there so I handed her the baby and was ready to be on my way.  Seeing him and feeling his energy threw me way off, actually made me panicky and shaky.  I've held it together for so long but when I saw monster last week I was DE-sturbed to say the least.  Hopefully I can keep up NC for a couple weeks I think by then I would have regained my mental, emotional and spiritual ground. 

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Pain is not a punishment, pleasure not a reward.  ~Pema Chodron

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.  ~Oscare Wilde

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