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Author Topic: Mirror-Work Return Stories Cont..

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Mirror-Work Re: Return Stories Cont..
#20: January 03, 2012, 05:09:56 PM
Well, I read that essay by the alleged little girl who "love the OW that broke up her parent's marriage" I felt it was disingenous and COMPLETE DRIVEL, and if TRUE, probably not written with much LIFE EXPERIENCE under her belt... the betrayal of her own MOTHER is atrocious... regardless of how her parents fought over the divorce... that is NATURAL, and kids do experience the fallout of bitterness of BETRAYAL. The fact that this alleged young woman sided with her father's OW in that "she had been told their marriage was over long before she entered the picture" does NOT excuse INVOLVEMENT WITH A MARRIED MAN!! I say this, not from a moral point of view, but from a COMMON SENSE POINT OF VIEW!! For God's sakes.... I was head over heels at 18 for a bartender... got invited to a party at his house.... had MAJOR FANTASIES of a possible relationship between us... he was into me (at least for the moment, LOL!!) but SOMEONE mentioned he was "separated" and I RAN LIKE HELL!! I was 18 and I KNEW better than to get involved with that mess of complication!!

I'm sorry, but this article SMACKS of BULL$h!te. Go read it and see what you think.... not only that, but the young woman then PINES AWAY for the "girlfriend" who Dad left Mom for, but then dumped... how SICK IS THAT, that she doesn't place ANY responsibility on her DAD???? And NO empathy for what her own Mother must have been going through while being cheated on... I call BULL$h!te, BULL$h!te, BULL$h!te!!

Often times, the abandoned child DEIFIES the abandoning parent.... that's right... and MOM suffers the fallout... being labeled the "b!tc#" for her grief. BULL$h!te!

Sorry, but the "DIVORCE" section of Huffington Post is FULL of articles trying to JUSTIFY divorce, and how it's "no big deal"... well, that's BULL$h!te, and you know it... divorce IS a big deal for kids... It's HUGE, and I'm not suggesting all married people should remain married for the sake of the kids.. just TELL THE TRUTH about the consequences, ok?

Unbelievable.
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The softest of stuff in the world penetrates quickly the hardest insubstantial. It enters where no room is...

Lao Tsu

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Re: Return Stories Cont..
#21: January 03, 2012, 05:42:18 PM

Wait LG, I think she places all the blame on her DAD for leaving.  She acknowledges that her parents were both in bad places.  Really, he was proabably MLC, and her mom was probably devastated.  And she was YOUNG!  The woman brushed her hair and gave her baths... 

And that is why it resonated with me--my exH's OWW has a 4 and 6yo.  In the next year, he COULD (though I actually doubt it) be a significant influence in their life at this point. 

She is romanticizing, but she also cautions about how and when to let a kid into your R's because she suffered for it.  I can see how that could happen.  Just my thought, L, but this is kind of a kijack of this thread, and I didn't mean to do that...
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The best thing about banging your head against the wall for so long is that it feels so good when you finally stop...

BD 1/16/10
D Final 7/21/11
exH married OW the next week and moved across the country to be with her... 

LL CHOSE to live happily ever after...

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Re: Return Stories Cont..
#22: January 10, 2012, 06:22:32 AM
My little girl (2.5) likes the OW in my sitch (my 7 year old is more mixed). I think that UNLESS H dumps her to come back to me, my D would miss her. If H just dumped her to move on to next OW, my little girl would wonder where OW1 had gone (and probably would be more reticent about liking OW2, but who knows - she is still very young).

My D2 is too young (actually so is my S7) to really understand the cheating/lying/betrayal part of this. That is my cross to bear. 

I have always felt that it is better that my kids do get on with OW to an extent, because otherwise they have to spend a fair bit of time in an environment that makes them unhappy. Personally, I would love to hear that they HATE her, but that would be just for the sake of my ego. Anyway, I know that no matter how they feel about her, she is not replacing ME in their hearts. If they had to choose between me or her, I would win everytime.

How they relate to her does not really affect the outcome, I don't think. And lets face it, the OW is only ever going to absolutely DOTE on the children, because it is part of her self-justification and also she must PROVE that she is a good influence in their lives to the MLCer. But she only has to let the behaviour slip, or get bored with the kids, or lose her temper a few times before her "angel" girlfriend who never nags facade starts to slip. It is the dynamic in their relationship when the kids aren't around that will make the difference to whether it lasts or not, in the meantime she had BETTER be good and nice to my kids while they are there.
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Nina Simone

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Re: Return Stories Cont..
#23: January 10, 2012, 07:04:24 AM
My point was about the ADULT young woman and her continued feelings and friendship and devotion to her Dad's first OW.... I find it disturbing. I imagine she feels guilty for liking the OW when she was a child, and is finding a way to justify those feelings, instead of forgiving her little girl self...... she's deifying the OW..... denying that OW had any culpability.... laying all blame for the affair on her parents and the OW is innocent. Both she AND the OW should have learned a few ugly truths by now... and not to wear a hair shirt over it, but to just see the truth. It has nothing to do with LITTLE CHILDREN choosing to be loyal to their parents or not.... it has to do with ADULTS seeing the TRUTH about affairs. My prediction is that THIS particular young woman will find herself in a similar situation in order to have to see the truth. It's the writing of it.... the dismissal of divorce and adultery as UGLY, even if the outcome were to have been a happy marriage between her father and the OW... the adultery part is still wrong and ugly, that's all. You can agree or not. Unfortunately, a lot of people will use this woman's "opinion" as an justification for their own sorry behavior.
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"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."

-- Will Rogers

The softest of stuff in the world penetrates quickly the hardest insubstantial. It enters where no room is...

Lao Tsu

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Re: Return Stories Cont..
#24: January 13, 2012, 02:20:38 PM
I went to the bank today to consolidate some accounts. I explained that my husband and I were separated after 33 years of marriage and this wonderful consultant told me her story.

After 25 years of marriage, her fil died. Her husband started to talk to a woman at work and next thing, he was having an affair with her. He said terrible things to his wife, about how it was all her fault. She told him to leave and went to a lawyer to obtain a divorce. The lawyer convinced her to take her time, go to counseling.

They were separated for a year.....she realized she had not done anything wrong.

He came back and they have been married for 47 years. She said the most important thing was not to learn to love him again but to trust him again. She knew it would not be the love that she had for the previous 25 years..but the trust did come back and they have had a happy life.

I keep running into these people.  She also happens to be catholic and has strong faith. She reaffirmed what we all know ..that we will be ok one way or the other...but it is nice to hear this kind of story.

She also said that many times she thought that the person who left wants to come back,but by then, the hurt spouse has moved on. Sound familiar?

I have always said that a couple of bad years would be worth it if we could have many more years together..just need to remain patient and focused on my own journey.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: Return Stories Cont..
#25: January 14, 2012, 09:14:58 AM
Just heard about this return story.  Here is the link and song that goes along with it....a tearful message...

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/20038148/ns/today-today_people/t/alan-jacksons-wife-saving-their-marriage/#.TxG15phbwy5

song.....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTA2buWlNyM
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Re: Return Stories Cont..
#26: January 16, 2012, 02:30:31 PM
I know many of us have read this wanted to put it here for the newbies or those that haven’t read it xxxxxxxxxxxx


http://www.thehouseontherock.net/site/cpage.asp?cpage_id=140025764&sec_id=140006459
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Life is like photography, you use the negatives to develop!!!!!
H returned after 8 years bd may 2009 multiple returner high energy cling boomerang

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Re: Return Stories Cont..
#27: January 17, 2012, 01:43:30 PM
I reconnected with a childhood friend of mine several years ago. We started an exercise class together and going out to eat, etc. This was in 2009 about a year into my H's MLC. We had children similar ages, so it became a good outlet for the kids and I to be away from H's depression. Anyway, after about 5 months, she confided in me that she didn't feel like she loved her H and was connecting with a high school friend on Facebook. Well, one thing let to another and before long she was in the midst of an affair with this married man. She thought this was the most "alive" she had ever felt. In spite of my attempts to provide rational thinking on situation, as is typical, she wanted nothing to do with my thoughts.

In all honesty, I abandoned the friendship completely. It was too hard to be around her H and know the secrecy and the lies that she was telling to meet this OM. I hadn't talked to her until a month or so ago.

To make a long story short, she ended the affair after several months. She realized that what she was looking for could not be provided by another person. She saw what she once felt was "beautiful" turn into a hidden relationship with people getting hurt all around. She began working on herself and now feels such regret about what she did to her H. Even though she never told him and he never asked, she said that he "knew" something had gone on.

She told me the other day that she and her H are better than they have ever been. They have reconnected in a close way that had never existed in the 15 years prior. She strongly believes that some people just need to see the potential loss before they begin to see what they really have. She said, "I am incredibly grateful that he stood by me in spite of my craziness."

So, another return story.
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H43, M44
M 22 years
T  23 years
3 Kids
Crisis began 4/08
Divorced 2/13

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Re: Return Stories Cont..
#28: January 17, 2012, 06:05:42 PM
It's been recently announced that a nationally well known Aussie actor has left his third wife of 12 years and their 2 sons to return to his First wife whom he has 2 children with along with another 2 from his second marriage.  I don't know much of the details but it was in a magazine this week.  I do beleive it is true as they interviewed the third wife but the actor declined to comment.
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BD 18th Oct 2009
exH Left home 9th April 2011
Split with OW3 (fiance) Jan 2016. (no break between OWs).

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Re: Return Stories Cont..
#29: January 19, 2012, 01:24:40 PM
Written by Cricket............from mid-life dimentions.......

Over 6 years ago (March 2003), my Husband "dropped the bomb".  After 6 months of work, counseling and prayers, my Husband decided to move out.  He said he'd never find someone that was more compatible, took better care of him and was more attractive, but he felt we'd lost our connection. We'd been together 28 years. He moved out and a few months later filed for divorce.  He bought a house and moved the Other Woman and her Daughter in with him.  Weeks after the divorce was final, he married the Other Woman. He told everyone that he was very happy and finally had the life he wanted.

At the time, I couldn't imagine life without my Husband or how I could go on.  God led me to Jim Conway's book, then to Jim, and finally to the chat group here.  Now I can tell you that I thank God for this journey, despite all the pain.  It's because of this journey that I've grown, healed, dealt with my own buried issues and met incredible people who will be friends for life.  I've done things I never gave myself time to do and accomplished more than I could imagine.  I reached a place of trusting the Lord with my future, regardless of what that is. 

A year ago, my Husband separated from the Other Woman, filed for divorce from her and began reconnecting with me.  He told friends that he never got over me and never stopped thinking of me.  He has shared many of the issues he and the Other Woman had and how much stress he was under in that relationship. 

We are taking things slow, rebuilding the friendship that had been so strong.  A few months ago he asked me if I thought we'd get back together.  I replied to take it one day at a time, one step at a time but that it felt so comfortable.  He agreed that our time together does feel very comfortable.  I've had time to heal, grow and forgive.  I want my Husband to have time for his own healing, growth and for his forgiveness.  My greatest prayer continues to be for my Husband's salvation. 

Many people told me to give up, move on, and that I was released from standing due to my Husband's marriage to the Other Woman.  I never prayed against my Husband's marriage but instead for the Lord's will in their lives, for salvation for my Husband & the Other Woman, for their healing and to find the truth.  However I did feel called to continue my stand. 

I tell others, this is not wasted time, this is time for us to focus on our growth, our relationship with the Lord and that it can be a time of real joy.  When I reached the place of trusting the Lord with my future (regardless of what that is), I found such peace.  We can't change or fix our Husbands's, we can only work on us.  This is our time and the Lord has a wonderful plan for each of us, trust Him.
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Life is like photography, you use the negatives to develop!!!!!
H returned after 8 years bd may 2009 multiple returner high energy cling boomerang

 

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