[Shantilly Lace]

After much thinking I have decided to put mself out there.
I am in the unique situation of having been on the other side of the fence. I was the one who walked away.
I did not suffer MLC.  I was severely depressed.  Severely, but the more I read about MLC the more I can relate what they do to what I did.
I was a vanisher.  My MLC is a clinging boomerang.

So to start off I see so many people worrying if its MLC or depression or a breakdown or...
It doesn't matter. 
No really it doesn't.
Even though I wasn't MLC I recognise alot of the script they use as my own.  Pretty scary hey?

Everyone is unique but everyone is also the same.

The only time it will make a difference is if there is no depression involved, and all the cases I have read here so far indicate depression of some sort.

So whether it is MLC or depression treat it the same way.

As I wander down my path and read what others say I flinch, physically and mentally as I realised that was me.  Thing was H and I never dealt with it properly and now 9 years down the track his fears raised their head on top of his MLC and we need to deal with not only his betrayal of me but mine of him.  A big ask but not impossible.  I did not cause his MLC but I contributed to the breakdown.

So here it is, I am going to try and answer any questions you have.  This is my perspective and unique to my situation.
If you don't want to ask it here PM me and I will post a reply here without names attached.
I will do my best.

(Edit for typo)

[Buggy31]

Did you take the girls with you?   How did you balance this with H if you were a vanisher?  Did you get an apartment? 
How did you spend your time?   What did you do?  Did you entertain thoughts of OP?

You said you were gone for 9 months and knew you wanted to come back after six?  What led you back?   How did you approach H?

How did you come out of the depression?  Postpartum right?  My friend had it only for a couple months but it was bad....she said she felt like a shadow of her former self

So nice to have your perspective SL....thanks for being open

[LettingGo]

OMG... Shantilly... you are really putting yourself out here... I promise you are safe. I just know it... just tell what you want to tell. (((hugs))) to you, and thank you...

[Shantilly Lace]

I took the girls with me.  Part of me knew that they were the only thing that was keeping me in reality at all, making me get up in the morning to look after them.  at the time they were 3yo and 6 months.
I fled 10 hours away.
But H was persistent and altho he had every right to he did not ask the courts to force me back.  Instead he would drive up and see them.  This fact alone when he slipped into MLC is the reason as much as OW may insist he WILL NOT give up his girls. EVER.  She will lose him if he thinks she is threatening his girls.  Didn't stop him being monster in the begining but once he left he settled pretty quickly with them.
I lived in a house by myself and went to work.  I advertised for a baby sitter and was luck enough to find a really good one.  She was very supportive of me.  More like a grandma LOL.
When not working I cried a lot.  I remember going to visit him but that is all.  MIL was there and she told me how much like a wild animal I was.  In fact I was so bad the H locked the doors and hid the keys to keep me from driving away.  I don't remember that although as the speak it it rings true.
Shortly after that episode and realising how dangerous I was to myself and my girls I sought out help.  I was popped onto medcation and had to try several meds before one worked.
While by myself I thought mainly.  I learnt how to sew and started making things.  I was not one to go out a lot.
I thought continuosly of H.  He was a good man and still is.  we had problems and I had a big problem.
Once the fog started to lift  I really realised MY mistakes. I was still relieved when he started dating as it took the pressure off of me.
I was not ever interested in dating.
What led me back?
I loved him even though right at the beginning if he had dropped dead in front of me I would have stepped over him.  Once the depression lifted real feelings came back.  the meds helped me.  Without the meds I would have killed myself eventually I KNOW this.
Hmmm How did I approach H?
Well it was near Xmas and I headed down deciding i was simply going to ask.  When I got there there was a woman who using body language only declared H was hers now.  I was truly upset at that point and went to back off.  But H knew me well and prodded me till I spilt what I had been going to do.
He came back a week later and asked me to do some things to prove myself which I did.  i asked one thing of him and he did and we started a new life together.  It was hard at first and I was jumpy and feared losing him.  H was never one to talk.
Over the years he would make a comment and it would make me sick inside and i would try and explain that is not how it was but he never understood.
The thing is H is more understanding now when it is H not the alien or monster.
He can see how horrible in the head it is.  now I can't say to him I know how it is.  I can empathise with him and even let him know I understand a little.
When he left he used the excuse that he had been waiting 9  years for me to leave again.  It was a factor but not everything.
People tell me I shouldn't wait and that what I did shouldn't be held against me.  It shouldn't be held against me but I know how lonely I was, how alone I felt, how unloveable I was.  And I want to be there for him.  Without the pressure.
If he were happy I would put my hands up and say enjoy your life.  I love him that much.  BUt I see where he is, and know he can't help it.  He will get there eventually but in the mean time I will make me the best person I can be and if he sees me as a beacon that is fine by me.
No matter how good I thought the relationship was it was broken, if it weren't broken I wouldn't be here.
If we are to have a future together then it must be new.

[Shantilly Lace]

Thanks LG.
I think this will be helping me as much as anyone.

[LettingGo]

Shantilly, you get the unofficial prize this year as most helpful and transparent... I hope it helps you to say all these things as they are difficult, yet comforting to read for us. How we wish we could put our arms around our loved ones (whom we love to hate, with all of our own baggage!) and say "I LOVE YOU, NO MATTER WHAT!". Thank you for being so brave! Love to you....

[HeartsBlessing]

Thing was H and I never dealt with it properly and now 9 years down the track his fears raised their head on top of his MLC and we need to deal with not only his betrayal of me but mine of him.

You may have contributed to his breakdown, but you didn't and don't deserve what happened, Shantilly.

Tell me, how do you think you betrayed him?  Was there another man?  I didn't see any indication there was one in your initial thread.  That would have been the only way you would have betrayed him.

It sounds to me like your body underwent a change after the six month old daughter was born; possible body/brain chemistry going out of balance.

The reason I comment thus, don't wish to hijack, but, my mother's body/brain chemistry went out of balance within 3 months after my youngest brother's birth(her third child), and she ran away; but didn't do what you did.....she left home for three days; swam the Warrior river to the middle, climbed out onto a rock; and sat there, naked as the day she was born, waiting on an answer from God.

The third day, hunger, loneliness and fear drove her back home, and she followed the fence posts to our house.

This was the early 70's; she committed herself; the doctor put her on lithium; and shock treatments.

I was 4 years old and still remember the events of the day she ran away.

Sorry again for the hijack; I can't even begin to imagine what you went through; to hear my mother later describe what she could remember was terrible; depression, feeling of worthlessness, wanting to run away and never come back.

[True to myself]

Shantilly

You are so brave and thanks so much for sharing this with us. Before my H left he told me that he felt nothing for anyone or anything. He also talked about wanting to throw himself in front of a train.

When you haven't been there, you can't possibly comprehend. Did you feel 'nothing'? I just can't imagine what that feels like. I've felt low before but nothing like this.

Another thing, my H seems to forget what sort of person I am. We are in the middle of finalising a separation agreement and he ALWAYS completely trusted me. Now, he seems to think I am trying to trick him out of money, etc. It couldn't be further from the truth. Although I think OW is probably feeding him ideas ...... it's just so sad that it has come to that.

Again, thanks so much for sharing. I'm trying so hard to understand what H is going through and I don't recognise him in the slightest. I am even starting to forget the man he ever was ..... I only remember this one, which is tragic. I am at a point where I'm not sure if I want to carry on standing and that scares me slightly. I feel cut off from the whole thing now.

xxx

[Love being on higher grounds]

Wow Shantilly, you are such a brave and kind person!

I know this will not only help me but MANY others, THANK YOU!!

hugs and love,
L

[Shantilly Lace]

Oh HB there is another type of betrayal.
Really there is.
Oh man after so long it's still hard to talk about.
When I was so down I was extremely vulnerable and my Mother is extremely manipulative. My mother told me that H had touched the girls inappropriately. Now I NEVER believed it but it was one more thing incouldnt cope with. My mother set into motion terrible dealings and I refused to follow through with any of it because i didn't believe it but still had to do various things cos the complaint had been made.
When I rAn I ran to their place first and therein lies the betrayal. I know now I should never have gone there but I was lost and confused. I lasted a few weeks and then fled from there as well.
So yep sometimes I fear the damage is too great. But oddly enough I think he has forgiven me recently for that because monster never bought it up it was other stuff
Any way my sitch feels
Scarier to me becos I left and now he has left me so the fear was even greater