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Author Topic: Mirror-Work Resources: Mirror Work & Paving the Way

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Mirror-Work Resources: Mirror Work & Paving the Way
OP: April 17, 2010, 01:26:39 PM
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« Last Edit: August 23, 2016, 10:42:46 AM by Rollercoasterider »

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Re: Resources: Self-Focus & Paving the Way
#1: May 04, 2010, 06:50:28 AM
James J. Messina’s Tools For Coping Series
Book 1: The Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous Manual
Book 2: Laying the Foundation
Book 3: Tools for Handling Loss
Book 4: Tools for Personal Growth
Book 5: Tools for Relationships
Book 6: Tools for Communications
Book 7: Tools for Anger Work-Out
Book 8: Tools for Handling Control Issues

These are the nine initial books of the series, he later added more to cover additional topics. Several years ago I found Dr. Messina’s articles and created a link list. His webpage has since changed and I have updated the and realized there are many more articles—I had only a few of the many chapters from The Coping Series. I am providing links to those articles I originally had listed and when you follow, you will be able to see others in his menu. I am not endorsing the articles linked here more than those I have not linked. I think the entire series is worth reading.
The article that is most valuable to many here is the Detachment article. I have put that in a larger font so you can find it quickly.

Tools For Handling Loss
CH 2: Stages of the Loss Process

Tools For Personal Growth
CH 1: Understanding Self-Esteem
CH 3: Self-Affirmations That Work
CH 5: Building Trust
CH 6: Handling Insecurity
CH 12: Overcoming Perfectionism
CH 14: Developing Patience
CH 17: Stress Reduction

Tools For Relationships
CH 4: Handling Fear of Rejection
CH 6: Improving Assertive Behavior
CH 7: Overcoming the Role of Victim or Martyr
CH 10: Goal-Setting in Relationships
CH 11: Handling Intimacy
CH 12: Handling a Fantasy Relationship
CH 13: Handling Forgiving and Forgetting

Tools For Communications
CH 2: Improving Listening Skills

Tools For Anger Work-out
CH 7: Handling Resentment
CH 14: Eliminating Passive Aggressiveness

Tools For Handling Control Issues
CH 7: Letting Go Uncontrollables and Unchangables
CH 8: Developing Detachment
CH 11: Eliminating Manipulation
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« Last Edit: May 19, 2018, 03:54:04 PM by Rollercoasterider »

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Re: Resources: Self-Focus & Paving the Way
#3: May 16, 2010, 02:43:33 PM
This book I would highly reccomend reading for the LBS is Susan Anderson's
The Journey From Abandonment To Healing.
Susan Anderson has been working with abandoned spouses for 25 years, has identified slightly different stages and considers the LBS/Abandoned experience akin to a form of PTSD.
It is helped me tremendously.

Here is the link for the outer child inventory

According to Anderson we all have an inner child and outer child conflict.
By identifying our outer child traits we can help to overcome the outer child and become adults.

Also want to put a post in here from the DB Board
written by Lost For Words on the Stages of the LBS

My thoughts on the LBS stages;

Denial- Without a doubt the first phase. It could be as simple as denying that there is something wrong or amiss. Eventually turning to denial that it is actually happening to us, denying our part in everything, and the worse part.....denying our inner self's to come out. Maybe because we don't know how.....but at the point everything is caused by some outside catalyst. Sounds very MLC like to me?

Bargaining-I put this here instead of after anger because I feel the deep seated thought out anger is yet to come. We have felt the quick anger brought on by emotional pain and trauma, but not that thought out and reviewed anger that is to come. So we beg, plead, whatever it takes (during this stage I actually saw the positive side of an open marriage...granted my situation is only slightly different...LOL). We will do whatever it takes to save the marriage, yet haven't realized that the marriage is gone. dead! Fini!

Anger-This stage is third...why you ask? At this point our bargaining, selling of our soul, absolutely nothing has had the expected results. So we feel deep down anger and conviction that we are right...they are wrong....and We will win no matter who loses! This very well might be the hardest stage for anybody going through this. I have been scanning lightly in newcomers and see so many of that boards "mentors" stuck themselves in this stage. Trying to control what is uncontrollable out of anger and not based on sound decision.

Depression-At this point the energy involved with our anger is used up. We are burnt out......and now we are ALONE. Yes...we have been alone in the physical sense for some time, but the bucket is finally empty.

-Slightly different than anger.....more identified with long periods of being OK....then boom.....anger comes bursting back in very brief, but extremely intense blasts. I think it is almost a triggered response...a missed ball game, long weekend with a sick child, or coming up short on a mortgage payment. A catalyst disturbs the beast sleeping within.

Acceptance-I place this before forgiveness because I feel you have to accept the marriage is done before you can forgive the damage it's death has caused. At this point you know that you are alone. The resentment is gone because you accept that triggers from resentment are just yours alone to deal with. This is also a great time for personal growth. Confidence that you will survive on your own, that you can do thing yourself, and that the sun will still rise tomorrow.

-Regaining on confidence continued. New perspective of the things around you. Constant questioning...of yourself and the principles we follow. At this point anything is possible....for ourselves.

Forgiveness-At this point you can forgive yourself for your part in the demise of the marriage. You can also see the pain the process has caused our spouse. The knowledge that neither party has really come out of this unscathed is apparent. You will know at this point that the journey was beneficial for both parties as long as neither got tripped up in their respective journeys. Maybe the marriage is renewed...maybe not.

Renewal-The world is different (I know that I see it differently). We are almost reborn to a life that that has unlimited potential. Things that were once taken for granted are cherished...and things thought essential are no longer that important. We are finally able to cash in on the independent self that we have found within ourselves.

Living again-At this point we move on, piece, whatever hand we have been dealt. Everything behind will be seen with compassion for the pain it caused and the enlightenment about ourselves that we achieved.

Having nothing to do with my POST but to add on to the Messina Article all the Detachment articles

Developing Detachment
this post is missing from this website

Also it is in a PDF file on a dartmouth website
found below here
Be Patient and Let Go

and Post #7 of this thread by HB
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« Last Edit: August 22, 2014, 07:57:48 AM by OldPilot »

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Hello again Friends,

Now pay strict attention, this thread covers the LESSONS you need to learn as you take your personal journey to wholeness.  I created the lessons as I learned them...during the time of my husband's crisis there wasn't much information on MLC, much less what you had to learn about what to fix within yourself.  These were created with the insight the Lord provided me with, much like the inspirational help I got in writing the stages.

There were added things I put in that I'd thought would help at that time...feel free to skip over what you don't think is relevant.

The "Time-line" sermon outlined my own history, so I will include it as well, and these are posted in the SAME order I wrote them so long ago.

Enjoy the reading, and prepare to learn the lessons of a lifetime...these ARE the SAME lessons the MLC'er SHOULD learn as he/she comes through the tunnel, except of course for the "time line" sermon. :)

When you wade your way through these, there is an added post from my views in this present day and time. :)
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« Last Edit: September 23, 2010, 11:58:24 PM by Rollercoasterider »
Our marriage survived His MLC, with the help of the Lord.
I have learned that true strength is built through the trials we endure.
There is hope as long as you love your MLC spouse, and, are willing to learn the  life's lessons that are set before you as a result of this crisis.

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  • Let GO, Let God work on your MLC spouse :)
The importance of establishing a "Time-Line"

October 1999-My husband was involved in an accident that killed a man instantly. He had a nervous breakdown that day and beat himself to pieces for something that was NOT his fault-nothing I or his sister could say would make him feel better.

Late November 1999-He experiences a great burst of anger-entering the tunnel but I was unaware of anything EXCEPT I sensed the emotional "door" closing between us.

November 1999-December 2000-He withdraws at times, throws tantrums at others-insults me at times, but yet so loving at others-We are fighting near continuous-more than once I saw him throw his wallet at the front door or throw glasses in the sink because he feels that what he says is NOT being listened to. Tells me to "shut up" near constantly-and no matter what I say or do--it's not right in his eyes-and I'm confused.

Skips checking for my voicemail messages some nights-seems to be 'teasing' me about running away with a "boyfriend" if I'm late leaving a message. Starts coming home later and later on Fridays nights, and sometimes wouldn't show up until Saturday morning of each week.

Ignored me and son totally, and shuts down-we bought a house during 2000, and moved-the stress of all this got to me, and I blew up one night in November of 2000, he threatened to leave me that first time, saying he didn't have to listen to what I was saying-I begged him not to leave me-and we ended up on the bathroom floor, trying to figure out what had triggered this HUGE fight.

In hindsight, not long after we moved in September of 2000, our emotional and spiritual bond disintegrated-and I felt the effects of that break.
His distancing got worse AFTER the fight in November.

January 2001-August 2001 He spends more and more time on the computer-becomes more angry and distant. I'm at a loss what to do except to leave him alone. If I did ANYTHING in the way of affection-I would get angry looks and if I interrupted him, I would get angry looks.
If I entered the room while he was on the computer, he would close whatever he was looking at-I didn't think too much of that.

In May, things took a different turn-he came out of the bathroom one day and I saw he'd shaved his beard down into a goatee' and the look on his face was like that of a small child that had done something wrong-I didn't like the goatee' I HATED it, and said so. He just disregarded me.

I began to discover breath mints, he began taking care of himself even better than he had in the past-I just went on with my life-it was all I could do-I didn't know anything then-I just trusted him like I had always had done.

In July 2001, his Dad died, but he didn't call me to tell me until TWO hours after he knew-and he acted strangely, not wanting me to go with him, and I thought I wasn't going to be able to as son was going to summer school at that time, and couldn't miss.

My sister-in-law offered, on her own to keep son while we went, and my husband was NOT enthusiastic about it--strange, considering you'd think he'd have WANTED my comfort, but he didn't.

The whole trip was weird-He stepped out of the motel room and was gone for almost three hours, and his excuse, when he came back was that he'd talked to the clerk-I found out later on that the OW had a 1-800 number, and figured that part out in hindsight.

PLUS-I discovered he has TWO messages on his cell-phone, but he won't allow me to retrieve them for him, says his "code" was messed up-his step-mother said she left ONLY one-guess who the other was from? OW, no doubt.

Anyway, he's in this big hurry to come back and go to work after the funeral, even though his step-mother begged him to stay at least one more night, but he refused. I can't explain his attitude-it was like he couldn't have cared less how she felt, and he didn't want to take time out of HIS life to spend time with her. I remember being VERY angry about what he did, but couldn't do anything about it.

And so we resumed our lives, supposedly. By August of 2001, I was UNABLE to reach him anymore-things were bottoming out, and though I knew he loved me(or thought he did) I didn't think he cared. And so therefore I let him go into the hands of the Lord to deal with.

September 2001 marked a turning point-two days after the attack on the World Trade center, I was fixing to log-into the internet when I saw that my reycle bin had something in it-I hadn't thrown anything away, and so I looked, discovering my son was accessing pornography--oh LORD!

I called him into the room and showed him what I'd found, and got onto him, telling him that he was grounded until I could speak with his dad about it.

I was floored, but ok, understanding that kids sometimes are curious-but of course I couldn't tell HIM that. LOL

Then it occurred to me that the cookies were still on the system and I had to get them off. When I ran a search, my HUSBAND'S login showed up-and my heart dropped into my stomach-I logged into his desktop, and looked at his history-and discovered HE was accessing--and had been for over FIVE months-mostly red-headed porn.

This was the bomb that got dropped on me.

It was two more days before I could confront him, and I did it over the phone-we had a really strange conversation, but it seemed important to him that I not throw him out-and the "old" me was still there, so you can imagine the tantrum I threw! LOL

He said many strange things-like when I kissed him, he said, like it was new discovery, that I had the SAME affect on him I always had-and in hindsight, again, I now know he'd fallen out of love with me, and OW was there and had been there, possibly since December 1999.

September 2001-January 2002 After two weeks of attempting to get to the bottom of this, he decides he doesn't want to do this anymore, and more garbage spewed, possibly from guilt and who knows what else.

In late October 2001, I started finding signs of an affair-and I lived in denial for two weeks because I COULDN'T believe he had done this to me. But I was living blind and I knew it, so I asked for the blinders to be taken off my eyes-and they were. Every sign you could imagine, hit me in the face-my husband was CHEATING on me, but lied when I confronted him and threatened to leave in late November, when I finally jumped him.

It was the start of three weeks worth of misery and emotional deprivation that was worse than what I had suffered before.

We were arguing constantly, and he laid down the law to me concerning SEX of all things-that I couldn't have him when I wanted him-I would just have to hold him and be fulfilled.
Or when OW would come up: He'd say that he was too fat and ugly, and NO girl would look at him-and the arguments went on and on, and the ANGER in him was terrible.

Though he first said that I hadn't anything to cause this, he then turned around and said I hadn't given him enough SEX during our marriage-it was actually the OTHER way around-he was projecting his feelings on me. He also said that I criticized when I shouldn't-another projection.

He also said we needed to start out as Friends first then progress to the lover's stage-I remember hitting him with "Friends don't DO things like this to each other."

And I just kept arguing with him, which made things worse and worse, pushing me to the brink of suicide-that was when I found Jim Conway's site and found some of the answers I needed.

When I finally GOT what I had to do, and asked the Lord to help me, things started to get better, but were far from being finished. It was strong, within my own mind by December 15, that I had had enough and was leaving-the next day my "guide" showed up, and started me along the path to where I needed to be.

A couple of days later, he began making his way out of the tunnel-traveling the emotional parts, hitting a major change on December 31, 2001-it was another three weeks before he bottomed out, not once, but twice, and instead of starting into Acceptance, he bounced into Withdrawal instead.

February 2002-March 2002-It was during this time, my husband stayed in Withdrawal-trying NOT to have to face the changes he would have to make, and his "head-clearing" tantrum, and some of my more important lessons were learned during this time. On March 24th, he broke that Withdrawal, and talked some asking me for forgiveness, confirming WHEN this started-after that he started into the final stages of Acceptance.

April 2002-July 2002 This was a strange time for me, as I discovered he still didn't "get it"-that, in a way, it was STILL all about him, and nothing concerning me. There were many hurdles to get past, and I was disgusted many times-he kept slipping back and forth between Withdrawal and Depression, having "pity" parties for himself, that I listened to quite often.

In late May, we rebonded emotionally-and in early June, another change occurred, I started seeing a "replay" of December.

He would run me over to get to the phone-and an old fear jumped up and bit me in the tail-I ended up picking a fight with him, and more lies were told. I remember telling him that "this is STILL ALL about you, isn't it? When you are ready to talk to me, you know where I am."

The split began all over again, only this time there was no "old" to see, only new and the children. And, of course I was on the road with him as he passed through the final revisitations of the stages.

Going into early July he was still "processing", but on July 10, the spiritual bond between us rebuilt itself, and he crossed over into the final stage of Acceptance.

Through the rest of July, August and on into September, he has continued to process himself -AND YES, he FINALLY asked for the answers that were inside him all along, and he began to receive those- and I have seen him change continuously into what he is becoming-on September 28, he passed OUT of the storm, facing his Final Fears on November 3, coming out of the 'gate' completely.

His ending and my ending has come together, as I finished the "clean-up" November 25, 2002, with an outpouring of "old" feelings to make way for the new ones in this New Beginning that we are both experiencing. He has NOT come out the same person he was-it is like getting to know him ALL over again, and he has to get to know ME all over again, for BOTH have changed and are NOT the SAME people we were.

Edited by the Author for  deletion of some material
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« Last Edit: November 13, 2011, 04:47:26 PM by OldPilot »
Our marriage survived His MLC, with the help of the Lord.
I have learned that true strength is built through the trials we endure.
There is hope as long as you love your MLC spouse, and, are willing to learn the  life's lessons that are set before you as a result of this crisis.

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  • Let GO, Let God work on your MLC spouse :)
This concerns LIFE'S LESSONS

The life's lessons you are to learn out of this are simple ones, but HARD to put into actions

They involve Control Lessons first and foremost.

The rule of thumb to remember is the only person you can control in this life is YOU, not anyone else-and change must begin within before a situation changes without.

That means ALL control you THINK you have must be released: physical, spiritual-everything.

The MLC'er, no matter how erratic he/she is acting, is NOT a child, and does NOT need help-they must be allowed to work this out on their own and make decisions accordingly.

I know you think you are helping if you try to show them what you perceive they are doing wrong, but they will see it as CONTROL, and run further away.

You have to learn to separate the behavior from the person, and set boundaries as to what you will and won't accept, taking care of YOU in the process.

Focusing on what the MLC'er is or is not doing is NOT helping YOU-it is only dragging you down further and further, and you WILL hit rock-bottom and have a nervous breakdown, worrying about things you CANNOT and DO NOT have control over.

You must learn, also to STAY CALM in conflict-the more emotional power you give a situation, the worse it can escalate. Tap into the inner strength you KNOW is there and use it to your advantage.

You must face Childhood Wounds and heal them, whatever those may be, and they will be found on your journey to find YOU. That means exploring your childhood, looking at the patterns YOU are repeating-and change your behavior accordingly-that is part of your growth.

Remember no one does anything to YOU-they do it to THEMSELVES, as this has NOTHING to do with you, and everything to do with THEM.

IF you don't like a situation, CHANGE IT-taking the steps necessary to do so. Each individual is different and it may take a combination of things to achieve this change.

Learn that happiness, self-validation, self-esteem etc comes from WITHIN you, and is NOT found in outside factors-NO ONE can make you "complete". You must learn to find these things WITHIN.

Then, and only then will True Love be born-you will need because you love, not love because you need.

Accepting yourself is extremely important as we must live with ourselves for the rest of our lives, and we know deep within our hearts what we can and cannot live with.

We must "let go" no matter how painful that might be, it is through the giving of this freedom, we may regain our MLC spouse. Because we will NEVER own anyone, but OURSELVES.

That inner peace we are searching for CAN be attained through the "letting go" totally-it is the peace we can have WITHIN the storm.

And until we reach that point, we will always be confused-it is through the clearing of our mind that the answers will come from the place they have always been--within ourselves.

There are NO answers to be found outside of us, otherwise.

We can and must trust ourselves to do the right thing at all times, trusting in the Lord to guide our feet along this journey.

And understand that NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, we WILL be all right.
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Our marriage survived His MLC, with the help of the Lord.
I have learned that true strength is built through the trials we endure.
There is hope as long as you love your MLC spouse, and, are willing to learn the  life's lessons that are set before you as a result of this crisis.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2868
  • Gender: Female
  • Let GO, Let God work on your MLC spouse :)


when we detach completely, what makes us want to get BACK involved with our WAS's?

One of the biggest factors is the hope of getting a better marriage out of this ugly mess, which I'm getting now. Sure, there will always be problems and it won't be "paradise" from what I have seen come about as he has changed, it is MUCH better than what I had the first 16 years of marriage.

But then I'VE changed, too, and know more of what I want and need out of this marriage, and I don't hesitate to ask for it.

And there are better things out there, PLUS worse things out there-the question is, what would you find first?

EVERYBODY has problems of varying degrees-there are very few that have undertaken the journey we have gone through, and come out changed and mature(intact).

The change that comes is one of maturity-and love is there NOT because of need-it is the other way around-the need is there BECAUSE of the love. And the married couple truly becomes FRIENDS for the first time in their lives, able to lean on one other and carry each other's burdens when needed-it becomes as it should have been to begin with.

I didn't realize until my husband came out of his storm with all these changes that a cycle had been broken-he no longer treated me as my dad had-my changes and wound-healing had something to do with that, which, in turn evoked a change in HIM.

And yes, I like what he has become MUCH better than what he used to be. And can work with it.


What did it feel like, from your view, after you detached?

What he didn't seem to matter as much, and his behavior didn't affect me like it once had-before he would have upset me badly when he got angry, now it doesn't even affect me-I usually tell him I'm sorry he feels the way he does, and just leave it at that. If he's irritated about something, instead of automatically thinking it was my fault, like I once did, I ask him if he'd like to talk about it-if he doesn't, I just leave him alone, and he usually comes and talks to me sometimes.

But, I don't "get scared" that he's planning something out of the ordinary-I'm strong enough to take whatever comes around-it was part of my changes, too. I back down enough so he knows I DO need him-this was a problem before, but I don't get all "clingy" and "desperate" with him. It would run him off, I believe.


Is your H a much smaller part of your life and thoughts?

Yes, and no. He does NOT consume my life and thoughts like he once did-I DO have a life of my own or a reasonable facsimile, thereof. My life, is actually quite boring to other people-I don't go out much and when I worked, I usually went to work, came home, did what I had to do in the house, taking care of business here on the home-front-it is much like I used to do.

I visit sometimes, but I don't stay gone from home much-and I spend time with our son-as much as he can stand me.

In effect, I don't do ANYTHING except what is required of me, here at home.

I spend time with my husband when he comes in off the road....

I choose to spend my time the way I see fit, and I do NOT pursue my husband for attention-that backfired on me before-so he pursues ME.

But the main thing is, I'm content with my life as it is. I'm not hard to please, and I don't crave excitement.

I think of him quite often, but not obsessive thoughts-that is part of being detached from him.

I love him, but he is not a means to an end, either. If he left me tomorrow, with the lessons I've learned, I would understand it was NOT me, but HIM.

And so, the cage door stays open-he can choose to leave ANYTIME he wants to, but so can I, and he knows this.


Reconnecting with our H would not end our journey because they are the reason we are on it and changes need to be made to continue on with them. We cannot go back to the way things were, the old M is dead. If we were to hook up with someone else, they would be wanting us for who we are now and we would not feel the need to change/grow and we wouldn't. Thus ending our journey. In fact to find someone right now and hook up with them would validate in our minds that we don't need to make any changes because we are "wanted" by someone just the way we are.

She is correct, S&A. Reconnecting with my husband did NOT stop my journey, as evidenced by my posts concerning this journey we are on.

We will continue on this journey long past the "changing" stage, where our changes will be "tested" over and over again, until they are in place permanently.

Only then will we be allowed to "move on", forgetting the pain, but remembering the LESSONS, we were taught.

And we won't do that until we learn EVERY lesson we are given to learn.

I discovered there was ONE MORE THING I had to learn besides the basic life's lessons, and I went on to learn ONE final lesson, ONLY THEN, have I begun to "move on" with my life.

I learned not to gripe and complain, and the reason why I shouldn't-as it does NOT change anything, and keeps the original problem alive and well, getting me "stuck".

And, in essence, I am finishing my journey in tandem with my husband-because I started on this journey BECAUSE of him in the first place.

The growing HAS to take place and the changes HAVE to be made, otherwise, you will recycle what you didn't learn another time-and that trial might be much worse than what you are currently going through.

I was shown that while in this-and thinking I wanted to escape it-but I couldn't if I wanted to come through completely and keep my marriage, too.

Besides, I loved and still love my husband with the SAME unconditional love I always had, this time, though it's GOD'S LOVE I love him with, as my human love would NOT withstand what I was going through during that time.

I had ALWAYS loved him unconditionally, no matter what, and he was unable to accept that in the past, always "setting me up" to reject him, which I NEVER did.

That was the difference between me and his mother-and the reason behind the affair.

I was not given this understanding in ONE day-it came over months of growing and changing, and being willing to listen and learn, opening my mind to what the Lord was showing me.

He showed me a great deal about my husband AND me, plus what led up to his MLC.

I was able, then, to understand the "whys" and "hows" of this whole trial.

And some of it, I got at one sitting-some came trickling down a little at a time, when I could understand better.

And, like I've posted before, I knew what the OUTCOME of this was going to be, all I had to do was walk the journey, making the necessary decisions to get there.

I was one of the blessed ones, who knew from the start, and I asked why the Lord was so willing to show me to outcome-and it was because I had always been obedient to Him in ALL things.

He also said the marriage was meant to be, and meant to go on, as He had put me and my husband together in the first place-and of course this was done for a reason-we both had things to teach one another that would take a lifetime to learn.

There was hope as long as I still loved my husband, and I came on through with him, obeying ALL I was told to do-and each time I was given instruction, I was told the outcome, but it was up to me to do what I was told to do to bring about what was to be.

I made many mistakes, and time was added because of those mistakes-and there were some mistakes made on my husband's part-and again, time was added-we BOTH had a hand in lengthening this.

But that time was necessary to make sure the lessons held, and I accepted that-I had to.

Many times I got disgusted and wanted to run away, my patience was being developed during this trial, and everything that happened, increased my patience-it was the gift I was most lacking in, so therefore, my trials to develop Patience were the worst.

But, the Lord was AlWAYS patient and long-suffering with me, letting me know all the time, that it was up to me to stay or leave-and reminding me of what would happen if I did.

No, I didn't stay because of the Lord, though I was obedient to Him in ALL things-I stayed because I loved my husband and was willing to forgive him, and help him rebuild our lives together.

I have been married all my life, and my husband is, in spite of what he put me through, a good man, and I know I could NOT do any better than him-he has always taken care of me, we both have faults and make mistakes, and I know that, too.

I decided to keep what I had, knowing he DOES love me dearly, more now than he ever did, and it SHOWS in a way it never did before.

And, though he said, while deep within the tunnel, he loved me just the way I was, the changes HAD to made, anyway-I don't believe I would be married now if I hadn't taken the time to learn, grow, and change.
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Our marriage survived His MLC, with the help of the Lord.
I have learned that true strength is built through the trials we endure.
There is hope as long as you love your MLC spouse, and, are willing to learn the  life's lessons that are set before you as a result of this crisis.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2868
  • Gender: Female
  • Let GO, Let God work on your MLC spouse :)


But anyway, Saph, it may not be good DBing and I do realize that and have tried to urge the church to confront H like Christ rather than like the Pharasees. But God called me to file(with the church)...I am sure of I did not want to do it. I am not a trouble maker and am quite shy and timid and confronting and challenging my church of 4000 members is not in my nature to do. I felt alot like Jonah for awhile as God was calling me to do this and I was saying "I dont hear you". He got louder until I consented.

I started to answer this the other day, but my husband came home for a week, so I've not gotten back until today.


I was struck by what I read, and now fully understand what you are having to do.

Just as the MLC'er BECOMES the opposite of what they were pre-tunnel, the Left-Behind Spouse BECOMES the opposite of what THEY were through the journey that must be taken to "grow up".

The weak become strong; the strong become weak, the quiet become loud, the loud become quiet--see the correlation?

We MUST become direct opposites of what we were before--as I had to do during my husband's MLC, and the changes on our end MUST become permanent.

I was outspoken, and had to become quiet. I was a pursuer, and had to become the pursued. I was emotionally out of control, and I had to become calm.

I was instructed to keep quiet no matter what my husband did or said, while YOU are being instructed to bring this all out in the open using what you have been given to use.

It seems that He looks at our personalities, and causes us-if we allow HIM to change us- to become the OPPOSITES of what we were before, and uses us to bring about circumstances we wouldn't normally bring about due to the way our personalities are.

What we would NORMALLY do, is NOT what we SHOULD do. We must do the OPPOSITE.

That is WHY there are NO set rules for dealing with our husband's MLCs. And, though I KNEW about becoming the opposite of what I had been before, I didn't know WHY, until NOW.

And, you know, I never THOUGHT to question Him on it. When I became the opposite of what I was before, it worked, just has He had said it would, and I simply thanked Him for helping me to change and went on.

I had advised in one of my threads concerning BECOMING the OPPOSITE, but at that time, I don't think I expounded on WHY-I actually didn't know why, I just knew it had to be done.

Now, I know why.

The reason we must become the opposite of what we were before is we must learn to experience ALL facets of our personalities, and face EVERYTHING we are--we are preparing for the second stage of life, and ALL facets of our personality must be brought forward and integrated, and in the process, we are changed forever by the Lord.

He has allowed this to happen, yes, to test you, but you are being "molded" on the potter's wheel at the same time-and that in itself causes a "breakdown" of your "old" self, bringing about the fashioning of a "new" self. Though this trial, we are thrown repeatedly against the wheel until we come back together (are integrated) into someone totally new.

In your mind, you are seeing what didn't work before, and so you, yourself, are in the process of changing into someone you weren't before, just as your spouse has become the opposite of what he was before-his personality should undergo the near exact same changes you are going through and he should reintegrate into a different person, too-IF he allows this to change him-once OW is gone and he is out of the tunnel.

At times you are resisting the changes, but here is where faith is exercised, and you must allow the Lord to change you-this is the way it must be, He knows what you will face later on, and that is why these changes are necessary-you are being equipped for something that's coming down the road.

You are learning to stand up and stand strong in a way you haven't had to do before-and though the first standing is hard, it will get easier once it's done. You are learning to walk on faith in a way you've not done before, because before, you were AFRAID, and the Lord is driving the fear out of you with what He is doing within you.

We are instructed to bring about certain situations to get certain results, and the Lord knows what He is doing when we receive instruction, and usually, you are advised of the outcome so you will know ahead of time what will happen if you do, and the consequences if you don't obey.

Becoming the opposite is a necessary part of "growing up" and coming forward, as we must learn to handle ANY situation-and the changes within must happen.
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Our marriage survived His MLC, with the help of the Lord.
I have learned that true strength is built through the trials we endure.
There is hope as long as you love your MLC spouse, and, are willing to learn the  life's lessons that are set before you as a result of this crisis.

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  • Let GO, Let God work on your MLC spouse :)
This concerns Temptation during Total Rejection


However, I would caution you (and everyone else) to beware of trying to get our needs filled through another man. We are at a very vulnerable place right now and in my opinion we could all be affairs waiting to happen. Be wise in your relationships with men. As an example, I am friends with a married couple and they both equally want to help me. However, I've set up boundaries with the man such as never meeting alone and never talking on the phone with him unless his wife is on the extension. I don't have any sort of "designs" on him by any means, but I do believe I would be stupid to think that nothing could ever happen. We mustn't let Satan get a foothold.

I have preached about this SAME thing before about the DANGEROUS position the WAS places the LBS in while they are out trying to find themselves and have gotten OW.

I REMEMBER that one pretty clearly. And, like you, ICBI, I recognized the dangers of accidentally getting involved with another man-I isolated myself from ALL men except my brother-in-law(I trust and still trust him), and the only people I associated with were women during that time.

I did it to protect THEM AND ME. The abandoned and unloved feelings were pretty bad for me-worse feelings I had ever felt in my life-I mean it was like totally being cut-off from feeling loved-and I had NO ONE except the Lord-and me.

I did make it through and the feelings DID pass, but it was several MORE weeks before I would trust myself to associate with the men I knew at work again-and I never told them what I was doing, I just distanced myself from them, and wouldn't even talk to them-thank goodness they never paid that much attention to what I was doing. LOL

I asked the Lord to keep helping me through, and He did, but I had to face this temptation and overcome it.

It would have been so easy to have gotten involved with another-and I could see that ahead of time as this started.

So she's right, you MUST be careful--you would betray YOURSELF-and both of you would have matching guilt and things might get worse instead of better.

On the other hand, most importantly-it is considered ADULTERY; hands down if you get involved with another while still married, regardless if sex was involved or not. And that is what I think.

Gotta watch Satan closely during this time-he will throw temptation down in front of you in a hurry, because he would like nothing better than to see you fall down hard.

It was also shown to me a long time later that I delved MUCH deeper into myself during this time, as my journey to find me was beginning, and the vast majority of what I looked at, of course had to do with ME. Everything I needed to look at and work through was brought up during that same time, and I don't think I'd have seen it that clearly if I hadn't gone through what I did.

What my husband did in depriving me, felt like a "repeat" of my emotionally deprived childhood-and old wounds were ripped open then-but they were healed later on--I'm not sure when that happened-but I do know it was later, sometime during my journey.

The changes I made had alot to do with those old wounds, and that was shown to me later on, too.

All things happen for reason, always.

First of all, S&A, you have answered your OWN question, so, really you KNOW the answer and it lies deep within your OWN heart.

You recognize that you are NOT finished with your journey in this pit you have been in for two years. And until you ARE finished, you will still be in there.

I've said this before, but I was commanded to CHOOSE before the worst parts of this came about-BEFORE I even KNEW about the affair-and I was told the outcomes either way. I had just a couple of days before discovered his access of pornography, and was understandably angry-but went before the Lord to see what I should do-so I wouldn't do anything foolish.

You see the devil had put in a bid for my family-with me being the STRONGER-I had to be convinced to bow out(Satan had used my husband against me because he was unable to bring me down directly), first-then the rest would follow, and these were things I was shown AFTER I chose my path-and in my mind there was NO going back.

I could have gone either way-the Lord does NOT tamper with Free Will-He already KNEW what I would do, but He STILL had to give me that choice-and my love being what it was I chose my marriage knowing He would work things out.

And it went from there to here-the path was FULL of obstacles and decisions to make to get where I am now. I was not ever allowed to just sit and wait-there were instructions I had to follow-just as you are having to do now-and things I was guided into that brought about positive results.

The Lord WAS with me during the time of total rejection, and strengthened me-because I ASKED Him to. I knew, like you do, if I did anything like my husband had done, I would betray ME-and I was still married, faithful to my vows, and I still LOVED him.

Besides the Lord kept counseling me, showing me that my husband did STILL love me, but was so confused and his feelings were buried deep within himself.

The MOST important thing shown to me of all was, that if I changed my mind, left my husband and married another-which was MY right to do, I would repeat this whole process ALL over again-and with the Lord promising me that my marriage would come back together, and things would be better-I would have been STUPID to have strayed from the course I had decided on.

The devil, on the other hand, continued to try and try and get me to bow out and leave, but I never would-and so that made my trial much harder.

I have seen ALL things the Lord has told me ahead of time come to pass except one-and it's upon me-and I cannot tell what it is-because of Satan--but I will tell all when it happens, because it signifies the END of everything.

I have been holding onto the promise of the Lord concerning the END for over a year-and I look back, seeing how far I have come from where I was.

He charged me to obey Him in ALL things, just like I had always done before, and I didn't miss--I knew I couldn't-whatever I was told, I did, even if I was uncertain deep within my heart, because logically, it didn't look like it would work out--but it did. He knew MORE than I did, and STILL knows more than I do.

I have seen my faith and belief in Him increase greatly over this last year, and I do NOT doubt Him in any way-although the devil has tried hard to shake my faith and place doubts in my mind many times-all I ever knew to do was HOLD ON and just keep going.

Yes, there were times of anger and frustration and impatience on my part, but those feelings were carefully hid and controlled, because to let them out gave the devil a place and power over me-and I could NOT allow that to happen.

Most of all, I was shown that I was the "key" to restoring my husband to fellowship with the Lord. That is all I can say about that, but a great deal rested on ME to help him come through his MLC.

As close as you are to the Lord, S&A you KNOW His voice-it is unmistakable-and as long as you listen to Him, you will NEVER go wrong.

You have always appeared to be extremely discerning when it came to what you believe. Listen within yourself NOW, and hear His voice speak within you-for His sheep KNOW His voice, and you are NO different.

You WILL know if/when the time comes to give up and go on with your life-He will let you know. But, at the same time, HE will tell you that it is YOUR decision, and will give you the consequences of your actions either way-as it concerns YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE.

He does NOT hold you accountable for your spouses actions toward you and the marriage-the fault laid with your HUSBAND and not YOU. And if your husband goes on and marries OW, you are released, totally-the Lord will NOT hold it against YOU-this was beyond your control.

BUT--whatever you are supposed to learn from this-will have to be learned BEFORE you are released from your marriage vows. I believe you are already released from those due to adultery on your husband's part, but there are additional lessons you must learn, and He is leading you into them-things you are afraid of, learning NOT to play it so safe-for you must LEARN to step out in FAITH and bring him to accountability-and you must NOT back down. You are charged to stand strong and He will be with you and use you to speak.

NONE of our paths are the SAME-each one of us takes a different path in our lives, to learn DIFFERENT things that pertain to ONLY US as individuals. And the Lord leads, guides, and directs as HE sees fit. But we must be ready AND willing to submit to HIS will, not ours.

Concerning the subject of temptation, Satan can and will throw temptation at you in ANY form and if he can't attack you directly, he WILL do it INDIRECTLY. And since one of his strong point is patience, he will keep attempting to wear you down UNTIL you fall. And he LOVES to see servants of the Lord fall down.

HOLD ON, S&A, the LORD can and will meet your deepest needs-that is but ONE of the reasons you must go through this total rejection from your husband--it is so you will turn to the LORD, and cast everything upon HIM, realizing that HE is the only one who can MEET your deepest needs.

It also rips open "old" emotional wounds, and makes you face those so you can ask for help to heal them, making you stronger as you go.

Yes, the Lord DOES use these type situations for this purpose. But you have to open your eyes and see this.

And keep the devil at bay-he has nothing for you but misery and destruction--you just CAN'T fall, S&A, you have come TOO far to even open your mind to this type of possibility.

Opening your mind to the POSSIBILITY of sin is the FIRST step to falling into it-read the story of David and Bathsheba.

We are to bring every idle thought into captivity and keep our minds on the Lord always. That way, there is NO room for Satan to work.

The battle is intense, but it can be won through holding onto the Lord and continuing to be obedient in ALL things. 
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Our marriage survived His MLC, with the help of the Lord.
I have learned that true strength is built through the trials we endure.
There is hope as long as you love your MLC spouse, and, are willing to learn the  life's lessons that are set before you as a result of this crisis.


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