Well, well, well. Life has been busy for this girl.
Friday, I had friend come over to my place as planned. We had some drinks, I made her dinner, we watched some TV. It was nice having someone in my place as things sometimes, get a bit lonely. I forgot what it felt like to have someone lay on my couch, beside me.
While she was here, my ex GF messaged me. This isn't uncommon as she frequently reaches out and has talked about us getting together in person to catch up. So she asked me to come see her on Saturday and to spend the night (she lives about 80 mins outside of the city). At first I wasn't about it, but when I woke up on Saturday, something was saying "Go, have fun". So we chatted and decided I would come out there, we'd have some beers and order some dinner. So off I go, with my little dog.
I was thinking about it when I was there, sitting across from her. I dont think I had actually seen her in person, since she abruptly left my life 10.5 years ago. And in many ways, she is the exact same person she was back all those years ago, when we shared a life together. We had some witty banter, we talked about us (back then, not a now thing), brought each other up to speed on where our friends are at in their life, talked about the world, her kids, her EXH, her dating life.
At one point, she wanted to take a selfie of us, and then said "You should post this to your social media - hahahahaha". First of all, I'm not into the drama of posting to get a rise out of anyone. I know that my friends would be like "HUH?" and because I am friends with my SIL's, I dont doubt that my W stalks my profile. Posting a selfie of us literally serves me ZERO Purpose. While we caught up, she's my past and not my present enough to parade her on social media. She sent a text to her friends of us and I laughed and said "Oh boy, I cant wait to hear what J is gonna say about this". J never really liked me, but we put up with each other as having mutual connections to EXGF. She actually didn't say anything bad, and was more like "Woah, blast from the past".
As I was driving out to the town she lives in, I thought what my W would think if she knew I was going to see T. W always hated T because of what she had done to me and how much she messed me up (So W decided to end up blowing us up, as T did back in the day?). T has also been super flirty and while theres definitely not a romantic thing (I am NOT interested in ever being with her again), I thought about what may physically happen, and if it did, what would that do to my M? W would never forgive me if I slept with T. I know this for a fact. So I put it out to the universe that there be no temptation with beers and T's suggestive behaviours.
T was definitely suggestive the longer the night went on. There was some physical contact, there were advances, but I didn't react to them. She didn't come full on, they were simple tests. But I couldn't respond as I know myself enough to know that I dont have the willpower to say no to something physical (Thanks Pandemic and missing physical intimacy in general
). While there was some physical closeness at times, nothing progressed, and for that I am grateful.
Headed back into the city yesterday for a get together at my friends place. This goes against all COVID rules, but to be honest, I am fed up of living life and seeing everyone get to live theirs. At the early stages of the pandemic, I locked down. Mostly because I was dealing with the loss of my M, my monster W, and my emotions around it all. Recently, our numbers dropped substantially, so I felt better about going out and GAL'ing. Our numbers seem to be back on the rise, but this weekend, I was like Eff it. Its my time. So I did tell my friends I had broken the bubble and said that Im happy to sit this gathering out, and will catch up another time. But they weren't concerned with my interactions with others, we would be sitting outside anyways, and theres enough room to keep space. So got home, showered, grabbed my dog, grabbed my bottle of Pink Whitney and headed on down. It was a lovely afternoon, evening.
Usually I get some depression after Ive interacted with others. Well the universe slapped me today when our numbers were released for our province. Our highest numbers yet, with almost half of the cases coming out of my city. So clearly, its back into isolation mode.
I wanted to go get tested, for peace of mind however the province has literally just changed the rules and I dont qualify to go for testing. I cant just show up and say I was with people all weekend and I just want to be sure I'm okay before I see family. So into quarantine I go.
I never did respond to S' message, until Today. Simply said that life has been busy (she watches my social media, so she would know this anyways), she's right, we haven't chatted in a while, we seem to be on different schedules right now, and I hope she's keeping well. I dont expect her to reply because this is her game. I only responded because I didn't want to "ghost" her as we have mutual friends, but I kept it short and to the point.
This way, when she doesn't respond, I won't feel bad as lack of contact falls squarely on her shoulders.
And today, my W wasn't the first one I thought of when I woke up. Today, theres a pep in my step, a perma grin on my face. It was a great weekend, life is good, god is good, I'm alive, I'm healing