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Our Community / Husband went south
« Latest by UrsaMajor on Today at 06:18:25 AM »
Well Sunshine,

You have your hands full....

You've gotten off to a good start though, especially with the finances. Mid-Lifers can burn through a pile of cash faster than a gallon of water over Niagara Falls.

OW sounds like a real bunny boiler if you ask me. It sounds as if she was in contact with MLCH's workplace (if his direct supervisor was involved) and leads me to ask what the connection between HorseFace and the supervisor was/is. Most of the time, companies won't come within a mile of a domestic dispute / adulterous affair unless it would tarnish their reputation, in which case they usually handle things MUCH more discreetly and quietly because otherwise, they are usually looking at a no-win lawsuit (if they are in the US) AND a still cause loss of reputation...

If he has issues with excessive alcohol, that also need to be addressed. He can't just go top the bottle to cover the pain...

XYZ, Treasur, and Nas all have given you good advice and I totally agree that "dim" is probably the best way to go at the moment. There are some here that believe NC is the only way to go after the BD but I tend to disagree, especially when there are kids involved.

A couple of points though....

1) Q) How can you tell when a Mid-Lifer is lying?
     A) Their lips are moving

2) Trying to figure out where the Mid-Lifer is in the process or what they are thinking is like trying to taste green... with your elbow.

3) While the ADM (Affair Down Male aka OM) seems to be more about the conquest and maybe a bit of a MILF syndrome, the ADW (aka OW) more often appears to be all about living off the

so, if HorseFace keeps up with the contact, do not hesitate to drop the bomb on her and get a restraining order, if for no other reason that protecting you and your kids... If she turns out to really be the Bunny Boiler she acts like, she is NOT someone you want within 500 yards of you, your house, your car, or your kids...
I think it’s important to include the “why” part of where we were, where we grew to and where we are now. If only for future newbies to see how the process occurred.

Immediately After BD:
I wanted it to not be happening. Instinctively, immediately I knew it could never go back but I wanted it back.
WHY: Because of my own abandonment issues.

How I gained some growth and clarity:
I immediately got into IC.

After some growth:
I still wanted him back, but wanted him to get therapy and address issues I’d been simply accepting throughout our relationship.

After more growth, 16 months after BD:
I moved 700 miles away to start my own new life. I still wished he would change and want to rebuild “us” into something better, but I knew deep down it was not reality.

After more growth:
I fully accepted that we never really know anyone, there are answers I will NEVER get, and the only heart and mind I truly know is my own.
I fully accepted that I deserve better. I deserve someone I’m enough for, someone who would love me for who I am, the great, the good, the bad and the not always perfect.

I’ve fully accepted that after this many years, my former husband is no longer “having an affair.” He’s in a new relationship. And he’s not part of my world. Whatever future is in store for me, it cannot include him.
How did I come to this: tons and tons of ripping out my insides and examining them in raw detail, looking at the past unfiltered and facing the brutally difficult reasons why *I* did or didn’t do certain things. Not by just blaming him (this doesn’t let him off the hook; it’s just not productive to simply blame him but not face myself and the reasons I was with someone who would do this to me).

Sample of one, but that’s my answer.
Our Community / Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 6
« Latest by UrsaMajor on Today at 05:46:08 AM »

 ;D ;D ;D

Ah yes, the perineal "poop-stirrers" - the ones that live off of the drama they create in other people's lives... And you (and your mom too) have enough experience with Toxic Aunt to know her Modus Operandi.  Like you said though, it IS your mother's sister and of course, there is a desire to maintain a good relationship among the siblings.... That does NOT mean that everything that TA puts out has to be accepted... not every call has to be answered... not every question (digging for dirt) has to be responded to.. sort of like dealing with a Mid-Lifer...

Mom, though, needs to learn to NOT let TA get her wound up ...

I am REALLY glad that the surgery and everything really worked and solved the problems that were happening. It is odd that, when we are int eh thick of the MLC-tornado, we often do not even recognize stuff like that or, as you did, chalk it up as a result of the  rest of the Hades we are going through at that moment...
Our Community / Husband went south
« Latest by Nas on Today at 05:30:40 AM »
Sunshine, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I see a lot of my painful past in your story here.

My number one advice to you would be to distance yourself as far as humanly possible from the drama. I can tell by your words you already know it’s not normal - it’s disturbed, disordered and crazy making.

Just because it’s common behavior among cheating spouses and their affair partners doesn’t mean it’s normal or should be tolerated. If they want to act like 12 year olds, let them. It’s so hard to watch someone you love behave like this, but watching it up close will only cause you more pain. I know it sounds counterintuitive to not watch and be unaware of what’s happening, but you’ll save yourself a lot of pain by not looking or being a part of it.

By distancing yourself and rejecting it outright, it will show you are not going to be part of the disordered nonsense and you will not be the third point in any triangulation situation.  I would even go so far as to suggest you get off social media, or at the very least, block everyone involved in the nonsense. You definitely don’t need to see any of that stuff.

I’m so glad to hear you’ve already protected your finances. You’re already very much on the right track. I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself here, but so glad you’re protecting yourself.

Our Community / Husband went south
« Latest by Treasur on Today at 02:06:47 AM »
Others will come along in support, sunshine, but you sound as if you have done a lot of the smart things one can do when this s&it happens. Still, I can hear your underlying sense of shock....we get it and many of us have been in similar shoes.

Turning to your question, yes, not uncommon at all. Less common with OM, but ow seem to fall broadly into two types....needy waifs to rescue or drama queen harpies. Not uncommon either sadly for ow to extend the drama or try to control the situation by contacting the LBS, family members or kids. Sorry. If it continues, you may need to contact police or lawyers and get a restraining order. Important to remember that just bc this ow is in your h’s life does not mean she has to be in yours.....and please remember, sadly, your h’s words are pretty worthless right now, so you cannot rely on him to ‘protect’ you from WTFcrazy or prioritise you or your family. Do what you need to do to protect yourself whatever your h thinks or says. You may want to take legal advice if you have not already done so.

Why? Disordered folks do seem to ‘Affair down’ pretty consistently eg they look for someone ‘worse’ than them to make them feel better about themselves. And your instinct is probably right that he likes the drama, perhaps both of them believing drama is a sign of ‘passion’. Still not your circus, of course....and life will start to get easier and less crazy as you separate out what you can control and what is simply not your responsibility anymore.
Our Community / Ready for 2020 A Decade after Bomb Drop
« Latest by sachat3 on Today at 02:06:01 AM »
Yay! Well done ready. I’m so happy for you!
Our Community / Thanks for Listening and Existing
« Latest by UrsaMajor on Today at 01:38:09 AM »
That's his problem now, UrsaM.

A long with a LOT of problems up there. The bark beatles we discovered killing trees, the chipping paint, the two window that need replacing, the renovations that desperately need doing, the deck that needs stresses me out typing it.  :D

All his baby now. Maybe suspected OW can help.

As you said, his circus, his monkeys. Now that you are free and clear of that nonsense, you can go on and live your best life, no matter what he chooses to do with his...

Pine bark beetles?  :o
Our Community / Continued adventures without Harold Hill
« Latest by UrsaMajor on Today at 01:04:32 AM »
OW enjoyed all the prestige and attention that came with his high position.  Now she's just another wife of just another guy with just another job, and one with long hours and lots of travel.  This isn't what she signed up for either.  But I don't feel bad for her . . .

Not to be vindictive or anything but...

Well, this is where the "for better or for worse" part comes into play.... I wonder how that is going to work out...
Our Community / The Dawn holds the heaviness of the Night
« Latest by UrsaMajor on Today at 12:24:56 AM »
I also could relate to the trust issues with myself when I was being gaslit and brushed it off and believed him.  My brothers used to call me gullible and I thought that ended after childhood, but gullible and naive apparently are appropriate adjectives for me.

Join the crowd.... I always believe everyone is good until proven otherwise... and sometimes it takes WAY too much proof...
Our Community / Cleaning Out the Garage
« Latest by UrsaMajor on Today at 12:23:35 AM »

Sometimes we outgrow our "Faith Communities," especially when we are confronted with the blatant heresy (Do what I say, not what I do) in their actions as opposed to their words. I had a similar experience in some ways that left me "unchurched" for several years. I did a fair amount of "church shopping" until I found a place that not only welcomed me as a person but also encouraged me (and still encourages me) to grow as a spiritual human being.

Just because you've found that you were actually playing int he proverbial vipers den, there are other faith communities out there that will be a better fit, that don't have SPQ's lurking about, that are not turning a blind eye to her kind of behaviour. It may take some time but you'll find one again.

Treasur said it best:
Quote from: Treasur
God imho may embrace sinners, but he tends to have some bits in there about contrition, sinning no more and the humility of trying to make some amends if I remember rightly  ::)....and as a person of faith, I suspect that God applauds a bit of honest self care and a desire for peace in your heart and life :)

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