Hi all,
The readers digest version of my story is this;
H has been in replay since summer of 2016. Heavy running from December 2016-January 2018. He has pretty much stopped most replay behaviors-
*Drinking is no more
*Unaccounted for time missing is no more
*Monstering/anger/hatred/blaming towards me is completely gone
*OW is gone (although I do believe she initiates contact every once in a while- but the dynamic of the R changed months ago, as it was dwindling out- but not naive to not think it can't begin again or whatever)
*Harley is still a big thing in his life, but not AS big as it used to be- still pretty big, though.
*Spending money is still somewhat there
He has turned kind towards me, thanks me for EVERYTHING.
He the last 2 months has withdrawn completely from me, distancing himself and saying:
1. that he just can't forgive me for something I did 16 years ago
2. that he isn't happy, and hasn't been the past 3 years, and that he only stayed for the kids (total hogwash)
3. that he knows no-one will ever love him as much as I love him
4. that he wishes he loved me like that
5. that he wishes that there WAS someone else in his life, so that I could "blame him for all of this" and not take all the blame. But he doesn't want me to take all the blame, yet will not own up to anything HE has done to get us where we are right now. haha.
6. That he doesn't want to be here, or sleep in the same bed because it "hurts HIM" to see me and know he is hurting me.
Then, he turns around and says:
1. I'm the best person that he knows
2. That he loves me
3. That my weaknesses and shortcomings and past grievances against him have nothing to do with what he is going through right now
4. That his head is so unclear
5. Other MLC script quotes...
He has tried to have R talks, I haven't been good about setting that boundary and walking away, instead I listen, validate and sometimes lose my cool. After this last time (3 weeks ago), I have learned my lesson.
After I threw some truth BOMBS- like NUCLEAR- at him, he of course got ticked, and said he was "done" and moving out. He has taken only a weeks worth of clothes, and is staying at his office. He comes home whenever he can, he finds reasons to text me nearly every day, and he is constantly checking to see if I am still open to him.
He is always soft towards me, hugs me tightly, still wants me physically, and this past weekend as he was leaving after dinner, S17 & I got a "I love you guys" as he was walking out the door.
I have done a lot of mirror work, and changed my outlook on life, grace, mercy & forgiveness. I have learned patience- an art I never possessed before this. I believe he entered the tunnel of MLC back in 2015. Now at nearly 19-20 months of Replay, he is not moving much in terms of running. He is semi-depressed, but he is FIGHTING it, and still looking towards outside targets to blame (Me).
He admits he has no joy.
He has no peace, no comfort. I can literally see the turmoil going on within him. The hopelessness and helplessness. The depression and the self hatred. I do believe he is making baby steps in progressing toward liminality, but he is fighting it for the most part.
He is trying to do things with our S17. He has pulled away from our D18, I'm assuming it's because he knows she suspects the A, and has said who she is, and he knows she is correct. He tries to still keep a line of communication with her, but I can see he is nervous.
Anyway, glad to be here.