[OldPilot]

new thread

Discuss
Previous threads



First one
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10191.0


2nd one
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10272.0

Third one
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10298.0


4th thread
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10581.0

[Songanddance]

I'll start it.  Today is 6 yrs anniversary of BD and I'm sure you dying to know how I feel??? 

My answer is "meh!".

I still remember vividly the days leading upto BD. H's mum had died 6 weeks earlier - we had had the funeral and H just flipped. He became very unpleasant, difficult, kept telling me "we were wrong" and eventually wrote me the BD letter in which he sat  crying like a little naughty boy in the corner and watched me read it. I remember too vividly going near to him and him shrieking "don't touch me"
I remember the disbelief, shock and anger that welled up inside me. 
I also remember thinking he had gone mad and it was his problem and perhaps I should just leave him to it.  He was the one who was wrong and needed to apologise were my second thoughts.  If only I had maintained that approach from the start!!

So 6 yrs on with very slow reconnection and no sense of moving forward in our R where am I now?   
Looking to sell the house - H knows and has now accepted. 
Working as a consultant for my business and yet enjoying retirement because I can choose when to do either
My children - all doing their own thing and enjoying life at the moment
Spending time with my gorgeous grand-daughter
Just being me and enjoying being me.

I have no major triggers anymore - I still have mindful moments where I process if something reminds me but they do not trigger me.

RE our R - I have no idea where we are.  I do feel that it is time for me to push slightly. Not quite sure how but I do feel it's time.  H has, in the last few weeks, been overtly demonstrating his love language (acts of service) where even my D was shocked. He's even volunteered to do paperwork (which he has always hated) and cook meals (first time in 30 years).
He sleeps a lot when coming back from work - he is exceptionally tired and not in the peak of health so I do have medical concerns too.  But he is slowly coming back to being more of the older H I first knew. 
However that doesn't mean we are moving towards any form of reconciliation and at best we are still very good housemates. 

So 6 yrs on - I continue to be proof of life after BD and ironically BD and MLC has done me a favour.  I think I would be a very different and quite possibly screwed up anxious person had none of this happened. 

Look for the good where you can - look for the opportunities rather than the negatives. 6yrs on - I'm where I told my T I wanted to be  - out of 10- I am an 11!

[Treasur]

What a lovely and encouraging update, Song. You sound both at peace and with a sense of control over the joys in your life. Lovely...you put in a lot of grit and effort to get here, and it is nice to hear that you have. 

[Believer]

Song,

So good to hear your update. It sounds as though you are feeling good about the different aspects of your life - family, work and you.

I’m sorry the reconnection isn’t as perhaps hoped at this point, however you are in a good place to determine how best to nudge your H. Glad he’s doing some positive things.

Hugs, Believer

[Anjae]

Hi Believer, nice to read you. I notice you posted on another thread you're ten years into this. Nice to know that there are more LBS with MLCers that have been in crisis for a very long time. 

[Believer]

Hi Anjae,

Yes, I’ve been at this a long time, as have you.

My exH is getting married to the OW this summer. We have chatted periodically throughout but for all intents he’s a vanisher.  We actually had dinner recently to “catch up” but he didn’t want to discuss anything about himself ( aka don’t ask me anything emotional...)
We had a nice dinner, he even told me to order whatever I wanted... gotta love guilt. 

He still never mentioned a word to me about getting married. He knows I know as our D25 let him have it about not having the guts to tell me himself. I was so tempted to ask him if his fiancé knew we were at dinner. 
It was a nice dinner, however I was a little saddened to see just how little he’s grown emotionally.  He’s stuck and I really wonder if he’ll ever have the courage to get out his MLC .
We did chat about a few emotional things and all went well with it. I did tell him that I didn’t  believe we’d chat once he’s married. I said it wouldn’t be appropriate :

I then received a text just the other day whereby he wanted me to know “ for the record he cares very much about me and what happens to me, he knows he’s hurt me and our D and lives with the consequences everyday even though he knows his actions show otherwise, he thinks I’m a wonderful person and the world is a better place with me in it. He also shared that my level of understanding and commitment are far more than he could ever imagine from himself but I can’t teach him that I can only show him of which I have.” He finally closed the text off with “he can’t ever imagine us not talking so he was having trouble accepting that” ( this from a vanisher remember....) and asked me to “not ever turn my phone off incase he called to say hi. “

They were kind words but in the end nothing more than words, still focused on himself and still getting married.
Clearly, he’s still cooking in the MLC oven ....hmm might have to check with Ready if he’s got any MLCer grill recipes because the cooking isn’t hot enough for exH. 

Hugs, Believer

[Anjae]

Hi Believer,

At least your xh is nicer than Mr J and has some awareness of the hurt and problems he caused. Mr J can still monster big time. By e-mail, we never see each other and haven't in over a decade. Aside by chance, in a social settting, early last year. I was with a friend, went over to Mr J that was djing, he gave a step back terrified. When he left he put an hand on my left shoulder and said "so, good night".

The e-mails are very rare and short. And end with a professional "Kind regards". 
 
Late last years Mr J and OW2, that, by then had been together for 10 years, seemed to have broken. Now they seem to be together again. Who knows what is going on with him. He is still deep in MLC lifestyle.

MLCers are funny. Yours is getting married to OW and has troubles accepting you may not want to chat with him once he marries.   

Yes, just words, still focussed on himself, and still getting married. Phew.

Some of them take forever to get through their crisis. And the heat is not enough to have them cooked. Maybe Ready does have some cooking recipes that can speed our MLCers cooking. 
Hugs,

A

[Believer]

Anjae,

Yes, I’m grateful my exH is pleasant enough. He wasn’t always this although never monster like Mr. J

If he had been I’d be like you backing away from the monster and letting him sour in his own MLC muck!

[Mortesbride]

Just attaching to see all the great advice you guys will have.

[Believer]

Hi Morte’s,

Lol aren’t you sweet!

I’m not sure how great my advice is as I was certainly a slower learner in all of this.
I honestly believed for the longest time I could help my H through this. I did everything an LBS shouldn’t have I begged, pleaded, wrapped myself into a pretzel. I blamed myself for the failure you name it I did it ... except ever speak to or acknowledge the OW. Whew proud of myself for that the other stuff not so much...
My H is a very stubborn, silent man. I was reading Barbie’s article about stonewalling - that’s my H as well.
It wasn’t until he finally divorced me in 2017 that I started to deeply and truly figure out me. Sure I had great periods of feeling pulled together but inside I was still struggling to “get it”. Once he had divorced me, lost my job just a few years from full pension retirement, and lost my home.... I hit my own kind of rock bottom - tired and exhausted of trying to talk logic into an illogical man. I was a complete mess.
Lots of therapy, quiet and self reflection time later I’m better. I still have tears, miss my H dearly and yep even hope the karma bus shows up. However I know that I’m certainly stronger than I was, and can even say I’m content on my own.
My H doesn’t appear to have grown much atleast on the outside. He’s still running and perhaps always will who knows.
I’m sad for him, myself and our D25 because we once had a wonderful family and life.

However,  if I can share anything it’s the following :

Yes, this is a script - Listen to those who have gone through it before you. You can’t speed it up, but I feel you can slow their progress. An LBS doesn’t have any influence over them regardless of how long you were married or how wonderful it was before.

It’s not about you - this is 100% about them and their issues. Sure there are your own opportunities for self improvement but they didn’t cause this or your marriage to disintegrate.

Get out of the way - they wreck havoc !! My H is the complete opposite now. He’s done things I never could have imagined .

Protect yourself financially and emotionally
Don’t let your guard down on this. My H was very good supporting us but heck did his entitlement ever surface at the time of the divorce...a time that I was pretty low and he adamantly expressed he “was going to get the best deal possible for him”

It’s a long ride !!!
....and it’s okay to change your mind perhaps even many times about what you want along the way.

Treat yourself with much kindness and love
I can’t stress this enough. I was too worried about helping, worrying and thinking about H that I caused my own “rock bottom”. Build your own life and love what you allow in it!

You will lose family and friends. However the ones that remain are “keepers ♥️“
Some of my friends feel I’m crazy to even think kindly of my H. His family although don’t agree with what he’s done, they also don’t have the courage to hold him accountable. Heck his brother still lets him live at his home and it’s been 10 years...but you can bet his brother grumbles about the fact that he’s there....family issues are a significant contributor to my h not really feeling the consequences. H’s mother is not at all pleased with what he’s done but to this day has never said anything to him for fear he’d stop talking to her. Clearly FOO issues here.

Anyhow Morte none of this is new advice. This has been the advice of many here and it’s very good advice. I was just slow to grasp it. So if I can offer anything it would be to pay attention to the advice here as soon as you step on board HS ♥️

Hugs,
Believer