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Author Topic: My Story Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 15: "Who's the Master? Sho'Nuff!!!"

H
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There is no way forward without forgiveness.... and what reason do we have to not forgive? Sure, people hurt us..... things don't work out the way we want or imagine. Life isn't fair..... things we value are lost. Irreplaceable things are broken..... lives are changed without our choice.
But the one thing we do have control and power over, is ourselves..... what we are, how we are, and what we choose to be.
I have pain, and I have lost.... but I will forgive. No matter what: I will forgive. It is my choice, and it is within my power. How disappointing that others, who are either responsible, or have not shared in the pain to my extent are unable to forgive. I do not understand this, except that it is the only choice they are capable of at this time... and that they need patience and understanding if they are to be shown the way.... the right way..... the only way.

How easy it is to harden the heart, to be unworthy, to turn away, and close the eyes. How simple it would be to not feel again, to protect oneself until they are not even alive anymore. How seductive it would be to reject until one was truly and completely alone...... No. Not me. I will not bear hard feelings, mistrust, nor carry with me the ghosts of the past. Today I am alive, and free, and I shine. I forgive, I forgave, and someday I will forget. 

-SS

Hi SS,

Loved your post on forgiveness and 100% agree on the power of forgiveness as working to not let your heart be hardened by the hurt.   I am on the path to forgiveness but still have some internal work to open my heart to others.   

Glad to hear you are doing so well and a new pinball machine every year sounds fun.

HF
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W - 42
M - 46
Together 19 years, M 17
2 kids
BD - July 2020
W Left Home - January 2021
W Filed for D - May 2021
D Final - Jan 2022

M
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Wow, catching up and you sound like you are doing great!  Hopefully that last bit of healing and taking accountability happens.  It’s always been so fascinating to read the updates as I feel like it gives a window into MLC some of us don’t get. 
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Oh... I forgot something.......

My parents just celebrated their 50th anniversary and were going to have lunch. I invited W....... her response: "Do they want me there?". You see, she still thinks they hate her...... of course when she says that, I ask "why would they hate you?"...... I get no answer.  ::) :P

So she didn't go..... they always need that out.... just aren't ready yet.
My father however, didn't want her there and asked that I not bring her (I didn't know this when I asked her).
So it all worked out ok..... but there is much work to be done.... not just in W, but in my family as well. It's very unfortunate that people are unable to forgive: not themselves, and not others.

There is no way forward without forgiveness.... and what reason do we have to not forgive? Sure, people hurt us..... things don't work out the way we want or imagine. Life isn't fair..... things we value are lost. Irreplaceable things are broken..... lives are changed without our choice.
But the one thing we do have control and power over, is ourselves..... what we are, how we are, and what we choose to be.
I have pain, and I have lost.... but I will forgive. No matter what: I will forgive. It is my choice, and it is within my power. How disappointing that others, who are either responsible, or have not shared in the pain to my extent are unable to forgive. I do not understand this, except that it is the only choice they are capable of at this time... and that they need patience and understanding if they are to be shown the way.... the right way..... the only way.

How easy it is to harden the heart, to be unworthy, to turn away, and close the eyes. How simple it would be to not feel again, to protect oneself until they are not even alive anymore. How seductive it would be to reject until one was truly and completely alone...... No. Not me. I will not bear hard feelings, mistrust, nor carry with me the ghosts of the past. Today I am alive, and free, and I shine. I forgive, I forgave, and someday I will forget. 

-SS
Here's the deal, though, SS. Your W has not asked for your father's forgiveness. Words seem to change meaning over time.  In my time, it was not my place to bestow my "Forgiveness" from on high if no one asked for forgiveness. Now, if one repents, then forgiveness is in order.

There is plenty of ways forward without "forgiveness" that is not asked for. My forgiving someone who does not want or think they need forgiveness is like giving an ice cream cone to a person who doesn't want or need one. It means nothing to them because it wasn't what they wanted or expected. People will say "Forgiveness is for you", but that is only the case if you feel you need for forgiveness for something you have done, not if YOU think someone else needs it. Who am I to bestow MY forgiveness on someone who doesn't want it? Who am I to mind read what someone else wants or needs? How condescending would that make me to think I know best what someone else wants?

In my world, acceptance it the key. I accept that whoever is going to do whatever. I then take a care of myself (and anyone or thing who is unable to care for themselves) knowing full well that that person is going to do whatever. If that person does hurtful things then I accept that they will do those things, but I don't need to "forgive" those hurtful things to keep going forward. Yet if there is repentance for those hurtful things, that is when forgiveness comes into play. At that point, the person acknowledges that their behavior has harmed another, apologizes for the behavior and asks for forgiveness, and usually seeks to make amends for what they have done. Forgiveness is for those who want it. That is how I was raised and what I still believe.

Your father may very well be able to forgive your W, if she ever repents. That part will be up to her. But he has every right to accept that she has been a not very good wife to you and not want to converse with that. I don't like talking to angry people. I don't need to forgive them, I just need to accept that that is who they are, and keep my distance because I get to choose who I want to hang with.

One person's perspective regarding semantics.
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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I may have the craziest update..... ever.

Major Journaling:

Well..... how are things? Great!!!
Working out hard, dieting, losing weight, work is good, W is booked to go back to South America at the end of July (for a month - giving me a big break that I'm very much looking forward to)...... vacations are all booked (for me)..... a new pinball machine is on order and will arrive in a couple weeks  ;D ;D ;D
Life is good. Life is great.

W is inching forwards towards the end.... and her terrible sleep problems are back with a vengeance..... it seems to only be getting worse as the days roll on.
I think this is natural, and while I'm not alarmed by it - what a terrible experience for her. I'm going to assume this will be a factor until she's totally done with MLC...... but she continues to open up more and more, little by little. By my gauge, she is at the same point now as two years before she broke: moving backwards in time. The last six months (I think) has yielded a year or more of moving backwards: prior to her breakdown. Where is she going? All the way back to her fuse being lit? That would mean 5 years of time left to pass over, but it seems to be accelerating. Well, not my problem, and I'm not the solution. Cook away. 

The little dog is super....... super spoiled.  8) HA!!!

Now the crazy........ she calls and says "I have something to tell you", and there's something very very weird in her voice.
"Do you remember XXXXXX?" (this is the name of the main OM who lives in South America near her mom - but I don't instantly realize who she's talking about at first when she says it - I had forgotten him  :P ). OMG... is she going to confess over the phone, in the middle of the day, while at work?!?!?! Really?

A little history.....
.... this is the person she avoided saying the name for years, and after that barely ever spoke it..... claiming this was "just a friend", and "he's like a brother"  ::) this is also the person she sent $7K to a couple years ago (ridiculous  >:( ). Back then, he was a student trying to become an Attorney..... but I know very little about this person, nor do I want to know. I know enough to know he is the stereotypical type an MLC'er grabs on to.

Back to  now.....
She continues: "He's an attorney, and he's put a few people that are part of the XXXXX gang away....... this morning he was kidnapped. The cartel called me and are demanding a $15K ransom or they will kill him...... I feel bad about it, but I'm not paying....... they also threatened saying they know where mom lives...... mom is worried and they are leaving their home for a week to avoid trouble".  :o :o :o :o
What?!?! First I should say the voice doesn't lie..... I know she is very rattled, I can hear it. There's a lot to unpack..... the 1st is, she only called me once she couldn't hold it in anymore...... she didn't want to say what was happening, and she didn't want to say his name.  :-\ Second, if it is true then it puts everything (for her) in jeopardy: Her mom in possible danger, a condo she probably won't want to use (not safe), an OM/Ex-OM who.... I don't know..... is murdered?
She says they keep calling her, texting her..... and it's all coming from his phone & accounts. They even sent a hostage video.
So much for W's "paradise".

Or it could all be a ploy for cash. Totally possible...... but the mom is headed for the hills, W's trip is probably canceled, and who knows what this does to her MLC...... as for the OM: I don't want anyone hurt, no matter what they have done to me, my family, or whatever. People do get what's coming to them eventually but it's not for me to judge what is appropriate, nor dole out that judgement....... I'm completely content to allow God to do his business and accept that it is just (how could I ever weigh the life, deeds, history and circumstances of a person? I can't - therefore I let it go).

No clue how this turns out - but it has nothing to do with me. I don't even think it's worthy of popcorn, so my wonderful life will continue and this will be someone else's drama. I do find it interesting that W is fine to accept not helping this person, when before she dropped everything to send money. The MLC'er discards the AP...... and that sure seems to be the case here. It also isn't lost on me (if this situation is true) that the captors would call her...... the OM would have to had told them "call her - she'll cough up the cash"..... and also it isn't lost on me that, you gotta be close to someone in order to ask such a thing....... W's telling me (now) "he's a friend of mom's", com'on.... even now you can't come clean. That showdown is coming though, there's no avoiding it forever. I won't allow it, AND I'm not afraid of the relationship not surviving that encounter either. After all...... the marriage resides with me...... it doesn't mean I have to let you back in it.

What a royal mess the MLC'ers create.... but it can always be worse. I shutter to think of the MLC'ers who want to return home and have an OM/OW baby in tow.  :-X

One day at a time,

-SS
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M - 46
Together 28 years, M 25
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

B
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SS,

That is nuts!!!!
You're handling it like the pro LBSer you are - not you circus, not your monkeys, in fact not even on your planet!!

I hope everybody remains safe, particularly your W's family. This is honestly one of the craziest updates I've read on HS!

B x
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Goodness gracious, Standing, what an update! Every time I think MLC folks can’t bring more WTF stuff, there it is….

I suppose there is something inherently karmic in the principle of who you hang around with in your MLC world on the laying down with folks who have fleas principle.

No idea if it’s true, of course, even if your W believes so, or a scam by OM to get money from her. My gut is that it’s a scam bc the amount of money seems too small for a kidnapping even in a troubled country, and if it was bc he had acted against a cartel legally, why would they kidnap him instead of just kill him. Imho the story doesn’t quite hang together. I think MLCers and other dysfunctional folk use lots of drama to muddy waters but it’s easier to see the bits that don’t make sense when you’re not involved.

 But you’re quite right that it isn’t your circus. I wonder why W told you though if she had already decided not to pay…odd
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!

No idea if it’s true, of course, even if your W believes so, or a scam by OM to get money from her. My gut is that it’s a scam bc the amount of money seems too small for a kidnapping even in a troubled country, and if it was bc he had acted against a cartel legally, why would they kidnap him instead of just kill him. Imho the story doesn’t quite hang together.


South American drug cartels do NOT "kidnap" lawyers/prosecutors who have put their gang members away, they kill them or they blow them up (if they want to be really obvious about it) .....
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Me - 61, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 17, D - 13
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

W

WHY

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100% scam. Your W isn’t the closest person to this attorney.  They would have targeted his family members etc.  The guy is trying to con your W. 
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K
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100% scam. Your W isn’t the closest person to this attorney.  They would have targeted his family members etc.  The guy is trying to con your W.

Or a really hapless cartel, the sort that would feature in a Coen Brother's film  ;D
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There's  something fishy :o ::) :-X
But not your circus, not your monkeys.

Alvin
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At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years

BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.

Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person. 

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"

 

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