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I think as the 'LBS' or non-crisis spouse we suffer a lot of injustice, manipulation, gaslighting, deception and cruelty - to varying degrees. And for the most part I've done a really good job of handling it, if I do say so myself. But today was not my finest hour.
I was downstairs watching the Chelsea match and my H was outside vacuuming my car when his phone rang and his sister - younger sister- the silly, flighty one who is obsessed with shopping and her IG (despite being 38 years old) called. I yelled out to him, your phone rang and he came back inside and called her. The first thing he said to her was "I'm with (my name)' and the conversation got really stilted. I then stood up and said hi and she looked absolutely stricken to see me - the way a child looks who has been caught with a hand in the cookie jar. She could barely speak to me and he took the phone to the garage and hung up ab 30 seconds later. I knew this bc he started up the vacuum again. So, what one could reasonably assume is that they did not speak, because I was at home. She is not someone he would call to confide in (the way I do my sister) so would have been something connected to his AP. He did not deny this later btw. I have no idea if they were together, or she was calling to discuss an upcoming trip to her or anything else, but it was connected to her.
After some thought, I asked my husband, "your sister was so weird with me--where does she stand on all of this - is she my friend?" He knew what I was referencing bc his older sister has been supportive of our family. And he said, 'she's neutral' about you and the OW. NEUTRAL. because he said, she also cares for MY happiness.
I know, I know, don't expect anything from their families. But stupidly I guess, I felt hugely betrayed. Why? Because for years this sister had been estranged from the family (she ran off with a guy they didn't like and humiliated her family ab as much as you can imagine - invited all their relatives to her giant wedding apart from her immediate family who didn't know about it and was blindsided, put it all on FB etc etc) and I had lobbied on her behalf, to my husband for years. Even when she divorced a year later they wouldn't talk to her, I kept saying, she's your sister! Once they reconciled, this SIL was in a car accident where she hit and killed a woman, a mother with 4 kids, who was illegally running across a freeway and my SIL was passing behind a truck and didn't see her. There were cameras and my SIL was found not at fault, but she had to pay a large amt in a civil case brought by the woman's family. Again, I encouraged my H to send her the money to help. I paid for her trip to the USA last summer etc etc etc.
The thing is, this new woman, she is v rich and she I guess can do more for her than I can. And that's what she sees now. It did not escape my attention that as soon as my H started going to Barcelona to stay in his AP's penthouse, this sister went out and got a visa for Europe.
And with my H, I can at least write this off to a MLC and that he's lost his mind and that he's crazy, but with her, with her it's a CALCULATED decision. Not based on emotion, or a depression - it's a calculated and cold choice to throw me, her 'sister' all these years, under the bus for someone more useful.
Anyway, here's the bad part. I fired off a whats' app to her and in a nutshell said that altho he told me she is neutral now, I had never been neutral to her, I had lobbied for her, and that altho her brother and I will end, and not because of her, but that in situations like these you see who your true friends are, and she is not mine. She is on the side of who can benefit her most. And I asked her, as much as possible when I'm over there with kids, to avoid me, as I don't want to pretend that we are still sisters." I did not curse or anything, but still it was pretty strong and I should not have sent it. The thing is rationally, I was always going to lose my relationship with all of them anyway. And whether or not she accepts this new AP now, eventually they ALL WILL if they stay together, because he's their brother and son and they won't lose him.
It's not just losing my husband, my time is up in this family - all this despite the fact that I still have his name and we are still married. When we were talking about this btw, my H said to me, 'Where is all this coming from? you are never going to stop bringing this up! You will be triggered constantly, and even if I come back to you, you will constantly bring it up and constantly want to talk about it. Therefore, for the first time, I agree with you, we need to get divorced. I want my freedom from you.
He is STILL in a relationship and having an affair and he is living in this house and he is angry at me for not being over it and/or bringing it up. He has not apologized, he has not ended it, and he is blaming me for our inevitable divorce because I'm too easily triggered. I can rationally see this as a gross distortion and manipulation but at the time, when he said it, "for the first time I agree," it was so painful to for a second question if this is really my fault. The truth is, he made the decision to break up with me a long time ago. He just hasn't had the guts to do what needs to be done to really end it. I am still playing catch up.
If he suggests leaving early, I will encourage it. If I cannot bear another minute I will ask him to go. Unless this markedly improve in the next 24 hours I probably will.
In the meantime, I feel utterly and completely sad right now and am trying my best not to cry. I don't know how any of you live with your MLC spouse I really don't. You are better people than me!
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