[heartbeat]

I posted a while ago about my own story. Heard some nice things back. I’m suffering a lot.

I am still rebuilding my life. I still have work issues and money problems that I’m trying to solve. I desperately hope someday soon I’ll post saying in a sentence that it got better. In the meantime, my healing has been so confusing and frought.


My ex hasn’t contacted me again. I am left still wondering how long it’s been over for. Six months since it started, it feels like so much, but only three months since he made it official (on his own terms… oh, but of course). I am not loving where I live. I need to make money to move with my cats someday. I’m a 34 year old loser with no friends because I’m new to this country and he spent time lying so much to our mutual friends. And, all I want is love. Maybe this is unusual, but my grief includes wanting a new relationship. I am struggling because he hasn’t contacted me since April, and likely won’t again but he ‘watches’ my Instagram stories. I had a mutual friend yesterday reply to a story where I said I felt I’d never been loved to tell me to go to therapy and… well, I lost my $h!te. After all the money I’ve had to spend to just stay in therapy and do all the ‘correct’ things to just survive, I just have the sense that he got to her first (maybe he even had sex with her… who cares). I am struggling to just hit the block button because the head game is strong. If I block him on social media, then surely I have ‘chosen’ to end things, even though he was the one to torture me and destroy a beautiful connection to the point that I cannot trust him enough to be friends. Whatever, I guess. I cried all day.


I desperately want to be loved right now. My friends are far. I haven’t had a single person in my life be close enough that I can just cry on a shoulder. My housemate pointed out that he had helped me move a couple months ago, and I had to explain that his ‘help’ was only given to me after I literally begged, and then didn’t ask any other friends because I wanted so badly to spare his feelings in the hopes of… anything. I remember him confirming he didn’t want anyone over in that last while.

Sometimes I want to call him to scream at him. I never will. My only power is removing myself from him (except he still looks… lurks… ugh).

Anyway, I hate this! I am out of confidence and I doubt anyone will want me for anything except being a willing body. I don’t care. I am struggling to understand how to meet or trust anyone ever again. I can’t meet people through work with my career in freelance. Dating apps don’t work for me, though I’m trying. I don’t want to ‘stand.’ I want someone to actually love me but I don’t know how anyone ever could when I’m this broken.

Can anyone tell me there’s love after this? I need to pretend there’s a reason I still open my eyes in the morning.

[AlvinTheMaker]

There can be love after all this. Many samples of one on this forum, yours truly included.

But if you go seeking love as broken person, you will mostly attract other broken hearts. And that can make relationships very difficult as broken+broken does not equal a healthy relationship. As sad as it is, you need to give your heart, soul and mind proper time to heal with you.

Even though it can be hard to feel grateful right now, good things will come over time if you allow yourself the time and work required for healing.

Last but least.....how do you meet someone new. Go out and meet people, have fun and socialize,date and explore, even tinder works... it's the same old same as ever. Not sure how many dates I had in total, but there were quite many. You are gonna have the good, the bad, and the ugly (feel free to check my topic for some of my dating experiences). But eventually, you will encounter new love.

Alvin

[titleholder]

Hey Heartbeat!

It's a difficult road, but I'm more than 2 years after BD and I can definitely say that it gets better. The things that helped me the most were:
- Therapy; for me that lasted a couple of months and then my therapist told me I have a healthy way of coping with everything that has happened and he didn't see reason for further treatment.
- Limited contact with my xH, if we didn't had a daughter together I would have gone no contact for my own healing. I blocked him everywhere on social media and I never painshop.
- Find things in my life that give me joy; for me that was focusing on my daughter and spending a lot of time outside and in nature.

After 10-11 months after BD I felt that there was room in my life to date. I wanted to take some time to heal, to be on my own but I also noticed myself hanging on to hoping my xH would come back and that it would be healthy for me to step away from that hope. The first man I met was a broken one and after everything that has happened with my xH I definitely had a morphed vison of what dating/love was. I don't regret that relationship because it helped me break loose and also learned me even more what my own values are and what I want and do not want in a relationship.

I've been in another relationship now for 8 months and I can say that it's a healthy one with good communication, love and a lot of fun. This man is choosing me, my daughter and my past with my xH for 100% and I wouldn't want anything less. I learned that I can make it on my own in this life and that whatever happens I have myself to fall back on. I rather spend my life with somebody else, but would never choose a toxic- or unhealthy relationship above that.

I hope this helps.. It will be better! Just take your time to heal a bit, learn to stand on your own two feet and when you feel you've found some stability go out and have fun! Allow yourself to make mistakes and find what suits you. I wish you all the best!

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Another one that has moved on and in another relationship (together for almost ten years and married for six). Just like you, I was caught off-guard and for three years tries to navigate MLC until our divorce that year.

Dating is hard, but

Find things in my life that give me joy; for me that was focusing on my daughter and spending a lot of time outside and in nature.

This is the key to finding joy and being ready for another relationship. You have to love you first and be able to find joy on your own. Otherwise, you are looking for something to fill a void. The problem is that relationships can enhance our lives, but they don't make our lives. You have to have the confidence in yourself that you can live on without anybody and still be fine.

Even though it can be hard to feel grateful right now, good things will come over time if you allow yourself the time and work required for healing.

Learning to love yourself and healing go hand in hand.

I want someone to actually love me but I don’t know how anyone ever could when I’m this broken.

Then you love you and then seek outwards.

Now my story, a little over a year after the divorce, I met my wife through a dating ap. The funny thing was that she was not going to renew her subscription to the ap as she was completely done with online dating. She told her coworkers, "I'm going to go out and have dinner with this guy and live the rest of my life single." Well, she did go out on the date and she did let her subscription lapse, but she is not single (LOL).

I learned that I can make it on my own in this life and that whatever happens I have myself to fall back on.

Very good words and once again it demonstrates that you are happy in your own skin. That is the most important aspect of your healing and recovery.

Be good to yourself and know that we are all here to support anf help you find the path that takes you forward.

(((Ready)))

[forthetrees]

I would suggest doing either volunteer work of some sort or having a garden or even some container plants. Literally go back to elementary school thing of planting bean seeds in a cup, water, and wait. That miracle of sprouting is awe inspiring no matter your age. By volunteering you can either go somewhere and interact or make something to donate. In my lowest of lows I crocheted crowns for kids in hospital. By taking care of something or someone else you will distract yourself from the overwhelming pain. Dating in your present state is not a great idea. If you are craving human touch go get a hair cut with a shampooing or if you can afford it, a massage.

[WHY]

I’m gonna send some truth darts your way.  You are nowhere near ready for a new relationship.   Getting involved in one now when you’re in this broken state will only create more misery and despair.  You don’t need more carnage in your life.  It will just mean more trauma to deal with.   

There is plenty of light at the end of the tunnel.   There is life after this. I never believed it myself two years ago but it is true.  I promise you. 

However.   You need time to journey through your own tunnel of self discovery before you can reach the light.  And your tunnel is long. 

You’re desperate for someone to love you right now?  This is the MLcer path, searching for external fixes to repair internal unhappiness.   But this will fix absolutely nothing.  You need to learn to love yourself first.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Take it day by day.   I promise you.  It does get better.