Skip to main content

Recent Posts

1
Our Community / How to conduct myself around the MLCer
« Latest by xyzcf on Today at 02:46:26 PM »
Do what you want to do.

We did not turn into them. And the way they treat us does not mean that we have to change and treat them back in the same manner.

Each of us have different situations. You do have children who might enjoy having cake with their dad for his birthday.

I love what terra wrote:

"It’s not wrong of you to give.

It’s also not wrong of you to not give".

I do not give a gift or card or any acknowledgement of our anniversary but I do get him something for his birthday and Christmas (his love language is gift giving so he buys me amazing things).

I find the hardest part is finding the right card.

So do what feels right, to you, in your own heart.
2
Our Community / MLC husband's real issues
« Latest by Kelly4510 on Today at 02:33:55 PM »
Something interesting....

I talked to my therapist today who mentioned Grass is Always Green syndrome. And after looking into it a bit...I can safely say my H definitely possesses a lot of those characteristics.

We have upgraded houses about every 5 years in our marriage. This last time (5 years ago) we built a beautiful 6,000sqf 'forever dream home'.

My H always took us on bigger and better vacations, newer and better cars, toys etc. It seemed like a routine cycle. In looking at that - I think it was 1) because of his entitlement issues 2) because he was always in search of something better...and by searching for something better it was a project that for him to dive into and research. Partly because it gives him a mission or something to control...I don't know. Hard to explain.

So is probably shouldn't be all that surprising that low and behold right on schedule...year 5 in this house and he decides it's time for something better. Only where do you go when you have financial security, a beautiful home, and wife and kids that love you? Well...you see if starting a new life could be better. A life that is more focused on 'me' rather than 'us'. He is definitely in the research/project phase of the move. He has a fully furnished rental house for year. Looking at real estate and planning to buy a house when the lease is up. He's busy getting his car registered there and getting a new state license. All the normal relocation stuff. So definitely in the 'project' phase of finding something better. I just wonder how it will be when all the relocation stuff is done and it's time to 'set up a life'. Make friends, date, find happiness... Right now he is a workaholic and drinking a lot to cope. But eventually he is going to have to 'set up life' there or he's going to fail. And since he's a habitual quitter when things get tough...that kind of worries me. Mostly because I care about him but also because he is the father of my children and they deserve a dad that can figure his sh@t out. Guess we'll see.

Anyway... I thought that was really interesting. Especially since the kids and I have recently talked about how it felt like he was always searching for better with all the moves. I will say this is where the midlife crisis comes in. Because a rational and logical person would not think that starting over by yourself, cutting out your family and kids and leaving your life behind sounds like fun or something better.

Anyone's husbands have GIAG syndrome or glimpses of it in their marriages?
3
Our Community / Love Comes Walking In
« Latest by beyondblessed on Today at 02:27:20 PM »
Hey, y'all, we found our new home 😍  It is everything we were looking for....spacious backyard for a nice concrete patio, complete with hot tub and fire pit, beautiful just far enough out of town subdivision, in the corner of a cul-de-sac.  Everything is coming together.   Now we just need to put the finishing touches on my home and get it on the market.  Selling is definitely not gonna be a problem.   People are literally fighting for homes in my area and the prices they are paying are pretty nuts....but a good kind of nuts, in this case.  I stand to walk away much above what I paid 4.5 years ago.

So, life continues to blossom and flourish.  Out of the ashes and rubble, you all can build a truly great life for yourself, but you've got to put the effort and focus on YOU.  Your life, your choices.  Make the most of them.
4
Our Community / Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 7
« Latest by MourningDove on Today at 02:11:02 PM »
I don't like asking for help. I know people often assume it is because I have some need to do it all on my own or because I am a control freak. That was never the case, nor is it now.

With these projects I have had going on, I have had a harder time with the help aspect. I realize that part of it is my need to fix the MLC BS projects on my own. Another part it is to rid the house of the MLC memories. I have found it both maddening, but on a certain level therapeutic. And part of it is a need to prove to myself that I am capable. Xh so beat into my head that I would not be able to manage on my own along with telling me all of the things I did wrong, that I know that bubbles up, even subconsciously. I have been more aware of it, and working on letting go of those words.

The truth is, I know I can't do certain things and there are things that I not only need help with, but I really would like to be able to have help sometimes. My struggle is often now with asking for help from say my F, because he (and my M). have helped me so much already through this nonsense.

Today, I needed an extra set of hands, at the very least. I was installing D's closet doors. It should have been an easy install. I had put in the new track for the bifold doors. Her original doors, luckily did not suffer any damage, and are heavy hardwood doors, so I was happy to not have to replace them. I put new hinges on them and painted them. All was good, except they weigh a ton because of the sheer size of the opening on her closet. I couldn't manage on my own. And, then it got even more aggravating when I realized that with fixing the crazy crooked closet walls, that it had changed some of the opening enough that now the doors did not just go up the way they used to. I wanted to cry. It should have been at best a 15 minute event, but it has taken all day and is nowhere near done.

I called my F who came down to the house and he too was perplexed at first. After some initial fitting, we realized we were going to have to now plane the doors down. Now that the doors are planed, I now have to repaint parts of the doorway and the baseboard had to be adjusted some in the closet.

I moved on to the window seat and the rain has made the wood swell just enough that it is tighter than it should be. It is a good thing to find it out now, but there too, I felt like I was just having one of those days where I was back to square one.

Having my F there to help me was a godsend, TBH. I needed the help, but I also needed the moral support. He happened to see my solution for the linen closet in the bathroom hallway and smiled. It is nothing special, but he now sees what I was going for, making it possible for the shelves to be adjusted if needed.

My neighbor happened to pop over, as he has been hearing the chop saw going on and off for weeks. He said it is so weird to think of me doing this on my own, when he remembers Xh and I working side by side on projects many years ago. He was always envious, since his W wanted nothing to do with things like yard work or gardens, much less construction things. The two of them found ways to cook together and do other things. I told him that I frankly miss that part and while I don't mind working alone, I don't love it all the time. The sense of satisfaction, I miss sharing.

I am working through my frustrations and realize I have to start reaching out for help more often.
5
Our Community / Re: how to deal with MLCer that just left
« Latest by Ready2Transform on Today at 02:01:44 PM »
I was 20 during my parents' divorce, and I took my father's side (she was running with an affair partner at that time). Still, I appreciated straight talk and honesty. It helped me find stability, and I was able to ask any questions of my dad about the whole process, as well as air my feelings. We did counseling together too. I think at that age, it helps to be treated like an adult. Just my opinion.
6
Our Community / how to deal with MLCer that just left
« Latest by stillsmiling on Today at 01:56:50 PM »
Hi,

This is not my first experience with an MLCer  but I would like to know what the best way is to communicate and act with the MLCer

Mine just left yesterday and she is running fast. It's not been 24 hours and she wants to tell the kids that's its over between us. They are 19 and 21 so I consider them adults but it will still be hard for them because she left about 9 year ago and came back after 1 year, I suspect that her father's cancer made her comeback too soon.

I told her that I would talk to our kids tonight. Not sure what to tell them but I will figure it out. I wish I could tell them the truth, that their mom is leaving because she is not happy, but I am concerned that it my break their relationship. How did you guys handle that?

She will probably wan't to also talk about the house and cottage that we have a mortgage on, should I start talking about selling or do whatever with both properties or should I wait for her to initiate the talk? She is currently sleeping at the cottage but it's an hour drive from her work so that won't last.

Wow not even 24 hours and she is literally destroying everything that reminds her of us

I no there is no right or wrong with mlc but if anyone as any advice, it would be appreciated

Thank you
7
Our Community / How to conduct myself around the MLCer
« Latest by Tornup on Today at 11:03:07 AM »
Loved everything about what Terra just said to you!!I want to also add I gave H the option to not take them and he at first declined them and I was actually fine with that. He then asked to see what I made, not the others. Just the handmade gift. He then after seeing said “ so cool” “ if you would still like to give it to me I would  like to have it, thank you”. I am with Terra. Gift made or bought should complete there purpose. What I also found interesting at my daughters wedding he had his personalized tie bar on that I had made with his initials. What no one but he and I know is on the part unseen I had “I love you” engraved. He is still wearing it. Not sure I could with guilt, shame and a new love???
8
Our Community / Re: Life goes on.
« Latest by terra on Today at 10:29:17 AM »
;) UM, it would be like that if it were me with a gun, which is why I have never owned one and won’t ever. And really the dog that night was one of medium size? We are a large breed family so even medium sized dogs seem like ankle biters. But you know people love their good dogs, so we won’t shame them. I was so glad to have time with that one; I love our kitteh, but really miss the wonderful connection of dog spirit and soul.

This morning I dreamt of h again and it felt even more familiar and even right. 90% right. It’s been ages since I had any sense of that, about him or us.

When I woke, I determined that the previous dream, if dreams mean anything true at all, probably meant that he and ow have reached some deeper level of intimacy or knowing each other and commitment and so yes, of course that would feel very dangerous to him. I know that there are many areas and parts of him that he does not want anyone to truly know.

But that’s how we grow. Being fully and deeply known.

So it’s important to me that he is. By someone. I wanted it to be always me and I thought it always would be. Instead I am the only one knowing me and I don’t know him at all.

And as much as I would have it some other way, I find this is fine.
9
Our Community / Re: How to conduct myself around the MLCer
« Latest by terra on Today at 10:15:17 AM »
Lost, if you are early on in this it can feel “normal” at least to just follow your heart and do what it loves and knows how to do. I’m not even going to say it can backfire, because I know in j’s case, these gestures were maybe mistakenly still expected but also still accurately (if silently/privately) treasured.

I no longer remember if it was 2 years or 3 years after BD and moveaway, he sent me a photograph of a collection of small things I’d given him over the years, with admission that they still meant a great deal to him. That was beautiful and I cried over it, but it didn’t change his choices or actions toward me or toward home. Folks around me said that photograph and message were manipulative. Maybe so, but even today and very far apart from him, it still touches my heart and I’m grateful he made the gesture.

This morning I think it was so long ago mentally that I ought to just forget it. Instead there is a trace of hope still because of it, and because I still don’t understand why he did what he did to us or even how adults engage in relational commitments, anymore. I feel like a child but I can’t shake that remaining 1% hope that still hovers in my spirit and kind of hurts me from time to time.

So there are reasons not to gift, and at same time, honestly I regret not giving the things I wanted to give, regardless of what (and who, and where) he chose.

It’s not wrong of you to give.

It’s also not wrong of you to not give.

This whole passage is full of choice points and contradictions. Normally I might tell you to skip his damn birthday and give only what he gave you, mirror his giving exactly. But I do regret not giving; it was one of my love languages with him and I loved to do it, and on some level, he loved that about me, and has kept the silliest little things.

I have a beautiful hand carved music box with a deep message of love engraved on its lid, with two specific music rolls tucked inside, mysterious scrolls full of little holes that don’t make any sense until you fit them into the mechanism and turn the handle. It was a gift for what would have been our 10th anniversary and I didn’t give it. I didn’t bring it when I travelled to where he was, that year, because I knew he wasn’t seeing me. And I didn’t throw it away, either, then or when D and I moved a month or so ago. I still have it and I’ll tell you it shames me when I see it. I can’t unroll the tapes and play those two songs, because they hurt.

They hurt because they did not get to complete their purpose. So if you give, complete the action. And know that doing so might not net you the result you most like, but maybe down the road it does count that you did it.

Now’s a good time to refresh your memory about what are your own love languages, and notice how you might leverage those into love for others, even strangers, the whole world. As you might guess, I’m a fan of Words of Love. I love all the languages but the one about Gifts was really prominent in the way I loved h and the kids, but most particularly him, because he was always so touched and surprised.

The first time I sent “gifts” to someone who wasn’t h, it was to a unknown buyer and just friendly. And the second the gift left my hands, I felt absolutely stricken and terrified, as if the whole world was coming down on me. That was so stark and sudden and paralyzing, and it made me realize how much damage had been done by h’s changes and behaviors. I’m telling you because if you are a giver and a celebrator and you love to love visibly in actionable ways, it’s important to experiment with giving on a greater or more ordinary scale to others in your world now, and it’s important too to notice where doing so feels like it hurts you.

From my own situation and regrets, I would tell you go ahead and do what your heart and spirit tell you they want to do. It’s not stupid or wrong and it’s not going to harm anyone, either way. Ignoring can be a consequence for him, a “giving” in kind, but if it hurts you to do that, well. Here we are all saying take care of you first. Or maybe it’s just me saying that ;) really. But do what you are moved to do and just know that in all, it’s a small thing, and just the one day.

It can kind of hurt either way, and that’s the part I truly don’t understand — whether at midlife we are all just supposed to hurt a bit more than we have in earlier years, and how hurt can feel like deepening and becoming more whole, more ourselves, good and bad at once.

One thing that might also help you is just to decide, and go full steam ahead on your do or don’t do. Rule one out and just go ahead with the decision you like best.
10
Acknowledging your pain and courage and love, and I’m following along in your new chapter.

D and I recently moved from the place that was Home, and are now in a different and meant to be temporary place, I don’t know for how long. It has its pros and cons but I think you may also find that wherever your next place will be, it will be peaceful on some crucial level and good enough, home at least For Now.

I spent the majority of my life believing in marriage and wanting nothing more than I wanted to be a loving wife. Now that we have moved prematurely into a transitional space, I find I don’t want that so much anymore, or maybe at all. Marriage, I mean. The peace of ...”turning the page”, I guess, is finally very calming and feels secure. I do: I feel secure. Anyone I know in person would panic if faced with the circumstances I am in, but — I’m ok.

It’s been a really long time since I last really viscerally felt that peace, and I’m glad to feel it again. I hope yours will meet you right away and accompany you every moment from here on out. (((HUGS)))

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.