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Author Topic: Discussion  Old Timers thread 6


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Re: Old Timers thread 6
#1: August 08, 2019, 07:53:08 AM
I am going to ask that we try to keep this thread to the spirit of previous threads from
Old Timers and not a personal discussion thread.

Lets let the last thread be put away and not continue it or take it to your own personal threads.

If personal discussion posts continue on this thread I will move them to your own personal threads.

Thank you for your cooperation.
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Re: Old Timers thread 6
#2: August 08, 2019, 08:14:22 AM
My take on why the Old Timer thread is so useful is bc of the very diversity that perhaps also feeds some of the more heated discussions. It helps to see that there are different ways through this and different ways to measure success and a good life....a different take on hope perhaps.

I'm not sure I understand all of the underlying soft spots, but I agree that the stresses/challenges of individual situations make for different stories. No pain olympics needed and no LBS medals given lol. But a chance to learn from people who may be tackling different things in a different way in a different situation from our own...so a different perspective that sometimes can give us fresh eyes on our own.

Empathy and kindness does not require us all to be the same. We can still learn from each other and support each other even if our stories are very different.
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Re: Old Timers thread 6
#3: August 08, 2019, 10:22:54 AM
If we can’t discuss our personal situations... why are we here?

I also was reading the last thread with great interest but didn’t have time to post.

We all have similar but unique situations.

I was “lucky” that I had experience with MLC as my father MLC’d my mother and financially abused the crap out of her when I was in my late-twenties. At the time, The Leaver was disgusted with my father and we both agreed to sell our house and move in with my mother so we could pool our resources. Watching my mother go from a financially secure, strong, confident woman to a helpless wreck overnight scared me enough to make choices to protect myself long before I thought that my husband would follow my father’s footsteps.

I often talk about how I filed within days of BD, partly to “shake him up” but also, which I’m not sure if I ever posted this but, from watching what my mother went through, my very first thought was, “I’m going to lose everything”

I immediately went into financial survival mode. Before The Leaver knew what hit him, even though he plotted and planned behind my back. I was protected.

As old timers we know. We see newbies on here every day, most of them don’t care about finances yet, they are worried about losing their love/family. A very real fear but they have no control over that now. They do, however, have control over getting a lawyer ASAP and protecting their assets.

As old timers, isn’t that what we should emphasize day one?

That sucks, Nas, what happened to you, and I very easily could have been in the same situation if I hadn’t had a front row seat to what happened to my mother 30 years ago.

Some conversations aren’t easy, but I’m grateful to all the courageous LBSers out there willing to share their stories.  We’re here to support in rough times and cheer each other in good times.

I’m grateful to all of you.


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« Last Edit: August 08, 2019, 10:24:09 AM by nah »
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I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

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Re: Old Timers thread 6
#4: August 08, 2019, 02:00:44 PM
My take on why the Old Timer thread is so useful is bc of the very diversity that perhaps also feeds some of the more heated discussions. It helps to see that there are different ways through this and different ways to measure success and a good life....a different take on hope perhaps.

All that. I don't mind heated discussions. Aren't LBS often told they are comflic avoidants and that their MLCer are comflict avoidants and that conflict avoidance is not a good thing? I see no problem with heated discussion on a discussion thread.

No pain olympics needed and no LBS medals given lol. But a chance to learn from people who may be tackling different things in a different way in a different situation from our own...so a different perspective that sometimes can give us fresh eyes on our own.

Indeed.

Empathy and kindness does not require us all to be the same. We can still learn from each other and support each other even if our stories are very different.

Again, indeed. The idea that empathy and kindness means all of us and all our stories are equal is peculiar. Being aware of each LBS problems, individual situation, etc. in my view allows for better support because we are aware of each person's story, issues, needs.

It is another way of saying, one size does not fit all.


I'm sorry your dad left your mum in such difficult situation, Nah.

If we can’t discuss our personal situations... why are we here?


Go question. Isn' t the Old Timers thread for Old Timers to debate their issues? This is a discussion thread, people discuss.

I often talk about how I filed within days of BD, partly to “shake him up” but also, which I’m not sure if I ever posted this but, from watching what my mother went through, my very first thought was, “I’m going to lose everything”

I don't recall you mentioning it was also connected with what happened to your mum. Thanks for sharing. Makes sense that, after seen what happened to her, you took immediate action. You had a reference and seen first hand how things could be.

Many of us do not have such reference at BD.

As old timers, isn’t that what we should emphasize day one?

But we do, don't we? Or we used to. We always used to tell newbies to financial protect themselves. We advice seeing a lawyer and stressed it did not have to be for divorce, but to know how to protect finances and what to do if divorce come.

One thing I think we tend to forget is that male LBS usually lose half of everything and are paying child support and alimony to their MLCer. Some male LBS end up in a very hard place.

Some conversations aren’t easy, but I’m grateful to all the courageous LBSers out there willing to share their stories.  We’re here to support in rough times and cheer each other in good times.

No they aren't. They are incredible hard. MCL is hard, the awful reality that comes with it is not nice. Hidding it is a disservice to others.
If sharing the less rosy sides of MLC helps one person, it was already worthy.

I’m grateful to all of you.

Thank you. I am grateful for you. We don't always agree, but I like people that speak their mind and aren't afraid of saying things that may be uncomfortable.

I also like people that are far softer than I am and with whom I can learn a number of things. For me, diversity and different ideas/opinions is important.
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Re: Old Timers thread 6
#5: August 08, 2019, 02:01:43 PM
I am very grateful to the old timers for telling me right from the get go to protect finances. I got a very good SA while he felt guilty and he walked away with pretty much nothing.  Then he came back to me 8 months after and wanted me to give him more money to buy a condo. Nope. I later found out he was planning to buy with ow. Good thing I said nope!

Thank you to old timers for that. That was the best piece of advice ever !!
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Re: Old Timers thread 6
#6: August 08, 2019, 03:00:51 PM
I guess I have to say I respectably disagree with what you said Anjae, and some of what Nah said.
I'm not sure at this point if this should even be a discussion thread.

I don't feel this should a thread to debate issues, but to catch up on people who have not been here for a long.  See how they are doing.

Maybe what we need a new Icon for Debate Issues and this should just be a Story thread for Old Timers .

To me this thread was for Old Timers to come back and update us on what has gone on with them over the years and to tell their stories.  I kind of agree with OP.  Maybe debating issues don't belong here but on your own threat or on a Debate Issues thread.

I was kind of saddened this thread took the turn it did.  Maybe that's just me, I loved hearing from long time LBS's and how their lives was going.

What do you think OP/RCR...maybe a Debate Issues icon?  Where any issue can be debated.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Old Timers thread 6
#7: August 08, 2019, 03:08:26 PM
Thunder, this thread has a discussion icon.

We have a general discussion thread. No one uses it.

Using our personal threads does not allow for this type of discussion flow.

We are also updating on our situation. Nas did it, I did it, etc. We were very clear what our current situation is. Nah shared some very useful info for her past. People read this thread(s). I am not sure they will be reading another discussion thread and, as said above, in our threads it will not have the same impact.

I dare say that there are far more serious issues going on than Old Timers debating issues that are relevant to them. The thread remains open to all of us Old Timers that want to update on their situation.

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Re: Old Timers thread 6
#8: August 08, 2019, 03:24:34 PM
That's what I was getting at.  Maybe this should not be a discussion thread.  That is where you discuss topics.  What is the topic here?

Old Timers are coming back to tell us their stories.
What is to debate?

Maybe find information on what worked with them, and what didn't.  It's more informational.
None are asking whether what they did was right or wrong.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Old Timers thread 6
#9: August 08, 2019, 03:34:23 PM
Many Old Timer's do not have their own thread.

I didn't realize this was a "discussion" thread..I thought it was a place to update from time to time if someone wished..never saw it previously as a place to debate issues nor does that seem appropriate.

There were some questions directed at me on the Pave the Way thread and I brought them here to answer because I don't have a thread of my own and did not feel they should continue to be discussed on the Paving the Way thread because they were not relevant with the topic of that thread.

I am not at all happy with what ensued after I brought those questions over and gave them my response.

Lesson learned. Will not comment again.

It was not what I intended when I wanted to respond to Treasur, Nerissa and Anjae to start yet another blow up and create such distress and hurt feelings.
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« Last Edit: August 08, 2019, 03:35:55 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

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