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Author Topic: My Story A clean slate

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My Story A clean slate
OP: December 08, 2022, 09:12:09 AM
I guess this is a perfect time for me to start a new thread... The last one started 3 years ago when I was starting to move on from the MLC rollercoaster. Yesterday my divorce was final, hence the title of my new thread.. I'm sure there will be further processing and emotions to get through.. But today is the first day of a new chapter in my life, away from the MLC madness.

I'm sad that things ended the way they did but I'm relieved it's finally over. The last 5 years have been tainted with the pain that end of my marriage caused.. At some point I put all the good memories away in a little box somewhere within me. Too painful to remember them and too precious to forget.. I don't think the pain of the loss will ever go away completely but I hope one day I can look back and enjoy the memories without feeling my heart getting squeezed.

Old thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11253.0 
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H - 47 (40 @BD1)
M - 47 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose)
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020
H marries OW - March 2021.. We are not divorced!
Divorced - Dec 7th 2022

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

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A clean slate
#1: December 08, 2022, 09:21:40 AM
Following along One Day.
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

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A clean slate
#2: December 08, 2022, 09:49:00 AM
Welcome to the 1st day of the rest of your life 1day ;)

I'm sorry what happened, happened...... but I'm also happy for you.
No more wondering, no more limbo. You didn't do wrong, and you didn't blow it all to bits.
I hope what comes next will be calm, peaceful and beautiful.

-SS

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W - 43
M - 47
Together 28 years, M 25
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019
Start of Shadow - Feb 2012

H
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A clean slate
#3: December 08, 2022, 09:47:26 PM
Following along too.  A new day can be refreshing.

HF
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M - 49
Divorced 2.5 years
2 kids
BD - July 2020
XW Left Home - January 2021
XW Filed for D - May 2021
D Final - Jan 2022

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A clean slate
#4: December 09, 2022, 12:38:59 AM
Dear OneDay,

The title says it all.... The first day, a clean slate, a new dawn.....

UM
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Me - 61, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 17, D - 13
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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Re: A clean slate
#5: December 09, 2022, 07:19:49 AM
One Day,  this is a great title.  A fresh, clean slate to create a beautiful new life.  Now that the weight of the D has been lifted, I hope you can breathe in that freedom to make the rest of your life the best of your life.
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A clean slate
#6: December 18, 2022, 05:39:49 PM
I don't think the pain of the loss will ever go away completely but I hope one day I can look back and enjoy the memories without feeling my heart getting squeezed.

Totally with you on this.

Welcome to your new thread.
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A clean slate
#7: December 19, 2022, 01:58:15 AM
Hello,

Quote
Too painful to remember them and too precious to forget..

This was the same for me as well. Right after the divorce and for the next few years, I basically tried to make the past eighteen years disappear. If someone started to tell a story that involved my ex, I would shut it down with "Let's talk about something else." It didn't matter what the story was about, it involved her. That was the magical word. It was almost as if my ex became she who shall not be named. LOL.

However, things do change. Time passes and now, I can enjoy the good memories and stories even if she is involved. Because in the end, they are my memories and just because someone divorces you it doesn't mean you have to separate the good pieces of yourself as well. After all it is your life.

Continue with your new life and keep moving forward. In the end, you know he gave away the best thing in his life.

From the other,
((((Ready))))
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Re: A clean slate
#8: December 19, 2022, 04:34:24 AM
Thank you all for joining my thread. It's been nearly 2 weeks now since my divorce so I thought I would come and journal the events of the buildup, the day and the aftermath..

The build up to D-Day was awful. I don't think I realized how much it was affecting me until I got to the other side. My friends and family were all trying to be supportive but their questions and desire to talk about what was happening was making me feel worse. It was all well intentioned but not what I needed at that particular point. I felt I wanted to isolate myself with my thoughts and feelings.. Nobody in work knew what was going on. I started this job 2 and a half years ago, I worked remotely from day 1 and while I get on really well with everyone, I have not shared anything about the painful end of my marriage. I work mainly with men so they don't ask many questions  :)   But I'd say people sensed I was not really myself, my job is stressful and I can normally deal with it but I was finding everything too overwhelming and I think it showed.

The hardest part was probably B. His marriage ended in a very different way, he has never fully understood how the end of my marriage affected me. I was coming back from IC sessions with my eyes red from crying and he couldn't understand why I was so upset. I think that really triggered his own insecurities, he felt our relationship was threatened so the couple of weeks leading up to D-Day were extremely hard to say the least. I got to a point where I couldn't deal with his emotions on top of my mine so I apologized, I told him I knew he was upset but I needed to look after my own emotions and feelings. We spent a few days in the same house but apart, sleeping in separate rooms. I really didn't know if our relationship was going to survive this test but at that particular time, I could only focus in not falling apart and getting to Dec 7th strong.

My IC explained that all I was feeling was normal. No matter how much I had moved on with my life and how much my head knew that the divorce was necessary, I was re-living the pain of the end of the marriage. It wasn't what I wanted, it was forced on me,  I had no voice, my opinion or feelings didn't matter and here I was, facing the divorce that it was not part of life plan.

On the day, I had a lot of offers from people to drive me, go with me, meet me after, etc which was very nice but I didn't want. I went by myself, I find it hard to cope with other people's emotions and opinions when my emotions are running high. I was afraid I could run into the ex in-laws or OWife but I still preferred to deal with that alone and in my own terms.  I got to the courthouse and my lawyer brought me into a meeting room. I saw in the sign-in sheet that exH was already there. I was overall calm but apprehensive. After about half an hour we got called in, as I was approaching the room we were due in, from the corner of my eye I saw him sitting down. I thought of Dragonfly at that moment and decided not to look at him. Again, from the corner of my eye, I got the impression he was looking at me as to say hi but I simply didn't see the point of it. He wanted me out of his life so we are not (and we will never be) friends.

We sat in the room, opposite sides and both facing the judge. As the applicant, he had to go to the witness box and testify. That was the first time that I looked at him, he looked unwell, he had a beard again. He didn't have a beard normally, he let it grow in the months between BD1 and BD2 and I saw it as a sign of depression. He shaved it off once he broke free and hasn't had it in any pictures I've seen of him in the last 4 years.. I found it curious he had it again, maybe the reminder of his old life made him grow it again.. He was nervous, he struggled to get the words out but since all the paperwork and financial agreement had been signed, the statement was short and he got back to his seat. All in all, I'd say we were in and out in 20 minutes. When we were done, I stood up and followed my lawyer to a room, never looked back and I didn't see him again. As hard as it was to get there, the words from my lawyer "You are now divorced" brought peace.. Peace that it's over, peace that I'm no longer at his mercy, peace that he can no longer blame me for anything that goes wrong in his life.

I left the courthouse, walked for a while, sat down for coffee and told everyone who was waiting for news that it was done. I literally felt a weight off my shoulders. I also see him as the looser in this, he thought he was walking into a great new life and it really hasn't worked out well for him. I, on the other hand, have built a great life from the ashes that I'm really proud of. It's not perfect but I couldn't even have dreamt of everything I have accomplished by myself.

Nearly 2 weeks on, B and I have rebonded and have had a great few days together. We have talked a lot and I think we have communicated a lot better in the last few days than in the rest of our relationship.. The ghost of exH that has been between us all this time seems to be fading. Life is good  :)

Curious fact: The pictures of my wedding are STILL on the wall at the ex-in laws' house as of yesterday.  :o


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H - 47 (40 @BD1)
M - 47 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose)
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020
H marries OW - March 2021.. We are not divorced!
Divorced - Dec 7th 2022

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

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A clean slate
#9: December 19, 2022, 06:35:45 AM
As you therapist said....

Quote
My IC explained that all I was feeling was normal. No matter how much I had moved on with my life and how much my head knew that the divorce was necessary, I was re-living the pain of the end of the marriage. It wasn't what I wanted, it was forced on me,  I had no voice, my opinion or feelings didn't matter and here I was, facing the divorce that it was not part of life plan

No say in something this important, no willingness on their part to fight for a love that mattered....it touches up deep within.

I feel your resilience as I read your words...take time to process it all. The build up to "that day" is horrific, and that is behind you now....like a new chapter in a book.

Peace to you and may your life bring you all the things that matter, all the things that you want for yourself.
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