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Author Topic: My Story A clean slate

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My Story Re: A clean slate
#20: September 11, 2023, 12:22:27 AM

It's been over 7 months since xH and I had the last mail exchange. Since he walked 5 and a half years ago, despite not having kids there were practicalities to discuss and things to finalize. The divorce was final last December and I pushed to get a couple of loose ends closed by early Feb this year... and since then there's been radio silence.. I expected this to happen but I was always curious to see if my suspicions were correct. I guess I have the answer now and I can't help shaking my head and STILL wonder WTF?

In ways, the silence and distance is good.. I find myself thinking of him less and less. Firmly moving on with my life and trying to leave this chapter of my life behind... But the other night I had one of those vivid dream in which xH was talking to me, crying and telling me that everything had been a huge mistake. That he now was married to someone else and had kids he didn't want (he doesn't have kids that I know of but maybe this is a prediction!) I can't remember exactly the words but he was sort of implying that he wanted me back...In my dream my answer was "But I moved on" I'm not going to lie, I woke up a bit rattled, everything in the dream felt very real. What I took away from it though is the fact that I was very firm on my answer.. I know it's just a dream but I want to think that somewhere in my subconscious this is how I really feel despite continuing to feel sadness for how my marriage ended.

That dream was on Thursday night.. Friday was my last day away on holidays and B and I flew home on Friday afternoon from Marrakech. A few hours later the earthquake happened and Saturday morning we woke up to a lot of messages from people asking if we were OK, if we were still in Morocco, etc etc... I obviously feel very lucky to escape such a horrific event and keep thinking about the places I visited, the people I met and wonder if they are OK. We visited the Atlas mountains and saw many little villages, talked to the locals etc and to now see images of the destruction is very upsetting... And at the back of my mind I have this little question.... how would xH feel if something would have happened to me? who he even care? I don't know if this question is there because the dream happened the night before... and it really makes no difference to my current life if he would or wouldn't... but still...

I'm actually glad I'm back to work today. The dream and the lucky scape has kicked off a lot of thinking and wondering in me that I don't really like..
Back to routine is good for me this time  ::)
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H - 46 (40 @BD1)
M - 46 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose)
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020
H marries OW - March 2021.. We are not divorced!
Divorced - Dec 7th 2022

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

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A clean slate
#21: September 11, 2023, 02:12:42 AM
I think dreams can be like tarot cards, or horoscopes, they are a form of indirect meaning-making for us. Our response to the signs and symbols (to borrow from Jung) can help us navigate through our complex tangle of emotions and narratives. I think there is something to the theory that our subconscious speaks to us through our dreams. Your post resonated with me, because last night I had a dream in which my H kept imploring 'why can't you see me?' - I woke up slightly unnerved and a bit perplexed, but I will give this some thought. You seem fairly clear about what yours means, and it makes sense to me that you can still have moved on but feel sad about the loss.

It's such an awful situation in Morocco and it is very sobering when we have a near miss, as you did with the earthquake. A complex mix of emotions arise. Hopefully we find gratitude in being safe and find a way to pass it forward. Glad you are safe.
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A clean slate
#22: September 11, 2023, 02:15:32 AM
Hi One Day,

Nice to hear form you ....

Yeah... Those dreams can knock us off-center for a bit but, like you said, they seem to be a way for our subconscious to make our conscious aware of things that we have not formally acknowledged before... Things left undone...

Ironically, I had an experience similar to your Escape from Morocco with MLCxW many yeas ago. We had been vacationing int he Maldives and got back to Germany about 36 hours before the Earthquake/Tsunami disaster hit the Indian Ocean. We were at xMIL's just before Christmas when it is and both our cell phones started blowing up asking if we were OK and if we were still there....
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Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
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A clean slate
#23: September 11, 2023, 05:47:21 AM
Wow, glad to hear you just missed the earthquake. Those kind of things will certainly make you think about a lot.

... And at the back of my mind I have this little question.... how would xH feel if something would have happened to me? who he even care? I don't know if this question is there because the dream happened the night before... and it really makes no difference to my current life if he would or wouldn't... but still...

This resonated with me. I don’t ask it anymore but when I spent several years with statistics saying I’d be dead soon, I was often consumed with the question of how he could not care enough to even send a text. Even today, if something tragic happened to my former H, I would have some kind of reaction, complicated as it would be.

For me, after a long time of digging, I know the question “why doesn’t he care?” was actually a deeper question about being cared for/about my whole life. As I dealt with that, the question of him caring was integrated into bigger questions and realizations about life choices and why I made them. The answer eventually became irrelevant, and that was freeing. As you say, it makes no difference to your life, but it’s understandable that the question still pops up when something big happens. It’ll pop up less and less with time until it becomes your new normal and you don’t even realize you’re not asking it anymore.
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