[MourningDove]

Keeping with my music theme for titles, this one seems rather appropriate for me at this point in my journey.

I must admit had I heard this song, "Found You" by Kane Brown, many months ago, earlier in the MLC journey, it would have been something I would have pushed skip on my playlist. It might have sent me into a tailspin.

It is not even the overall context of the song that resonates at this point. It is that particular line in the lyrics. It applies to so much that has gone on in my life. The end of my marriage was only part of how much life has changed. D's graduation last weekend really punctuated how many things have changed. It is her finish line for her undergraduate and it is the beginning of a new thing for her and for me.

Those moments at the "finish line" don't just magically make you feel relief nor can you always see the path ahead. It has been so often, at least for me, where I seem to realize something has ended and I stand there not knowing how to always feel. Sometimes there has been fear. Sometimes there has been sadness. Sometimes happiness. Sometimes a whole ball of emotions. It takes time to really figure out what I am feeling or what the next move is. It often is after time passes when I look back and even realize I crossed a finish line at all. That was certainly the case in the MLC aspect.

I once was told by one of the other members of HS over and over again, that I would know if I was done standing, but it wouldn't be some moment where I would magically recognize it. If I was done, most likely I would only know in hindsight. This was something she told me when I would proclaim in exasperation "I am done" and she would laugh at me, in a very caring way, full well knowing that is not how it worked. She often would tell me I wasn't done. Man, she made me so mad sometimes with that statement. LOL. She was right. It was only after months of working through the emotions and slowly figuring out what I could handle at that time.

It was hard admitting I was done standing. I am not going to lie. I felt like a failure so many times. It didn't help that there were handful of those who would tell me I must not have loved my Xh enough. Or those who liked to jump on and say things like they never liked him anyways. None of that input helped. Most of the time those types of comments came from people who truly didn't really know me or my Xh at all, at least not well.

There was the feeling of failure I put on myself. Guilt that arose from being someone who really believes so very strongly in commitments. I had come from a long line of people in my life that modeled long, happy marriages that worked through the tough times, together. That was the part that took me a long time to get through my thick skull. It eventually takes both partners to reconnect. To want to work on the marriage. My Xh didn't want to work on himself, much less a marriage he was running from.

The difference also was it was not just the marriage in my case that he ran from. He ditched a life he had established. Leaving behind the kids, especially D. Leaving friends he had for years. Just the other day, I spoke to the best man from our wedding. Xh and that man were best friends. Thick as thieves right up until MLC hit the doorstep. Now - crickets for no reason except Xh disappeared from this friend's life. There was no disagreement, or growing apart type of moment. It was just Xh dropping off the planet with people who he loved.

In some ways it makes some weird sense. I don't think it excuses it, since it is something that could be addressed. That is a wish I hope someday comes true for Xh. The wish that he would address his abandonment issues and it is why all of this makes some odd sense. He has ditched everyone who cared for him before anyone abandoned him. It is why he so desperately hangs on to the family that did abandon him in the first place. Again, makes some weird sense and I am not saying that from some professional assessment. It is based on knowing his family history for years and the dynamics I see him replaying with D. It is right out of FIL's and MIL's playbook.

But, at a certain point, I found myself at a finish line with my marriage. I have forgiven myself for not being able to hang on. It was not healthy for me. It was no longer what I wanted and that part is perhaps sad to admit.

Most days I don't really give a whole lot of thought to MLC the same way I once did. It is as I have likened it to, a novel that sits on my shelf. I can look back on it, but I don't need to reread it.

Why it is maybe on my mind a bit today is for two reasons. One, I heard that song this morning, literally after someone mentioned what would have been my 30th wedding anniversary coming up. I haven't really given it a thought other than when someone mentioned it last week. Today's question someone tiptoed around as they know it is coming up soon. They wondered if I was upset about it. I sort of laughed, which perhaps sounds callous to someone who doesn't really know me. I loved my Xh fiercely. This was not some laugh of somehow dismissing what that relationship meant to me, but it is in the past. I am not upset about the anniversary. I grieved the relationship and frankly my focus is on what is in my life now.

Sometimes the finish line is the start of something new rings very true for me. I am so grateful for some of the things and people in my life now. I stood at that finish line waiting for Xh to show up for a very long time. If I had stayed there looking back to see if Xh was coming down that path, I would have perhaps missed what was in the path right in front of me. I am so glad, I started to move forward.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11998.150

[Dragonfly33]

What a nice update MourningDove. At some point, you'll have to move forward while accepting that our spouses aren't coming back anymore. I wish you all the best.

[UrsaMajor]

It's one of those times when we (the LBS who is done and moved on maybe) looks back and thinks "What we had was nice, loving, great, wonderful despite the issues but what the 'person formerly known as Spouse' has transformed into is not anything that I want or need in my life.

We can grieve what we had and what is gone (and that takes however long it takes) but stand around waiting for that past to come our way again when the other person shows no interest in doing the work THEY need to do to overcome their demons seems like a waste of time to me...

Doesn't mean that we are bitter or filled with rage or hate. It simply means that we (the LBS) has chosen to make our own healing and our own lives a priority and has begun to do the things that make us happy in our lives...

[Dragonfly33]

Totally agree with you URSA.

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor & Dragonfly33 - 

I had "a moment" when my anniversary was brought up again. I must admit I had a moment of weird feelings about it when the reality really hit of how it would have been 30 years we would have been married. I was in fact struggling a little, I will admit but not for the reasons some assumed.

My struggle was brief, and a little odd in that it took others pointing out my anniversary was upon me. I honestly hadn't really given it a whole lot of thought. When I had the wrong day of the week, as in the date, my sister laughed a little. I was not upset by her laughter, because she said I have come a long way from being the woman who was often just functioning by focusing on fifteen minutes at a time to cope when BD hit. Or the second BD. Back then, I held on to every date, every memory, every moment in hopes of trying to resuscitate something that had died at BD. Xh was not the man I had married and still isn't. Grieving hadn't started because at that time I wasn't able to accept the reality. And, I realize that was okay. I was in shock.

Looking back, I can now see things a bit clearer. The on ramp to the crisis. It doesn't really matter at this point beyond I have learned a whole lot about myself and in truth I knew way back that Xh was going to hit a wall, I just didn't anticipate his full meltdown. I figured I could weather this storm, as I had in the past. I could have maybe handled him being upset with me, but I never saw him ever leaving the kids or just throwing that part of his life away the way he has. That made the whole situation completely different.

The truth of the matter is, the part of this particular anniversary that sort of jarred me was that I wasn't upset by it. I wondered if there was something wrong with me for not remembering the date. I had the right year, but even then, I had to calculate the number of years. It struck me as a bit odd that I wasn't somehow mourning what would have been some big milestone. Instead, I was focused on what was in my direct path and I was very happy about that.

It took me a bit to realize that it doesn't mean that I didn't love my Xh in the years we were together. That is the part that maybe a few others seemed to wonder since I wasn't somehow needing time to cry about it, or have some moment of silence. It was actually all very bizarre - the feelings and the assumptions of some others.

Explaining to some that I don't want my Xh back is tiring. It doesn't mean that what I had wasn't important to me or I regret it. I do have moments though where I wonder why I stayed in it so long during the MLC years. I beat myself up a bit for that, yet, in some ways I think in my case it is what needed to happen for me to fully walk away and know I was done.

Since that date, the anniversary that wasn't, I have been busy. The weekend that would have been my anniversary, I instead was enjoying company and frankly I kept them a secret from my family. I have to admit that is not something I am good at nor necessarily, want to attempt again. I just wanted them all to myself and I didn't want to have to somehow make time to stop somewhere and have coffee with this one or that one. It isn't that I want to keep them from my life or a secret, I frankly don't know how people who sneak around do it. The tip toeing around is a bit tiring and I still had responsibilities I had to deal with that dragged me away more than I wanted to be gone. I will admit though that having them to myself, aside from running into people I knew all weekend, I liked. I guess my lesson to myself is it is okay for me to want to have those selfish moments.

The days since then have been a little hectic and at times chaotic. I have been very busy with some home projects that needed tackled. I seem to make a pilgrimage to the home improvement store every few days and I am having moments where I feel like I haven't done a thing, yet, I also find that I am encountering moments where I have to pinch myself and remind myself that I have actually made as much progress.

For the most part, the pace has been good for me and I have been really quite happy most days. Today was no exception, TBH. I woke up with a pinched nerve and was in agony, but I was in a good mood. I rearranged my day so that the meetings I had throughout the week lined up today and tomorrow morning so that I could keep let the nerve rest and still accomplish some things. I came home and found myself sort of hit with a strange feeling. IDK what has brought it on, tbh.

I am having one of those self doubt moments. I have always been comfortable in my own skin most days. Usually I can pinpoint if something makes me beat myself up. The self confidence plummeting happened during MLC, and I sometimes think that still creeps in when it didn't before.

I do know it is in part due to being really tired today. The pinched nerve woke me up in the middle of the night and my fingers felt like someone was hammering on them. D was up and helped me stretch (having someone with PT in their background has it's perks - LOL) to try and alleviate the pain. I was in tears and D said that is not like me at all. I have a high pain threshold so she knew it had to be bad.

Part of it is a conversation that occurred with a student who stopped to see me. They wanted to run something by me because they know I will play devil's advocate if asked. I knew from the moment she told me what was going on there were some red flags, but I didn't tell her what to do. I knew she knew what was the problem from the moment she started to tell me the scenario. She needed to voice it and process. I was happy to help, as she needed the sounding board, but it was a tough conversation for me, as it stirred up some feelings that I had to fight through after the MLCer arrived on the scene.

I will push through it all and find some inner fight, but it is hard sometimes to not let those feelings take hold. It is in these moments where I don't like the solitude. I will shake off the feelings of inadequacy and somehow move on from it. When I got home the same student sent me a text and thanked me, telling me how much she and other students appreciate me - that I am a rare breed and kind beyond compare. I know her text was heartfelt and sincere, and it was nice to hear, but right now not even that is making a dent. Sigh. Maybe a good night's rest or some bolt of lighting will strike me and jolt me. LOL

[UrsaMajor]

When I got home the same student sent me a text and thanked me, telling me how much she and other students appreciate me - that I am a rare breed and kind beyond compare. I know her text was heartfelt and sincere, and it was nice to hear, but right now not even that is making a dent. Sigh. Maybe a good night's rest or some bolt of lighting will strike me and jolt me. LOL

One kick in the pants - coming up!



Read that text again and let it sink in....The only person that you might b "inadequate" to is a Mid-Lifer... or maybe yourself.... As the text proves, you are MORE than "adequate" to the rest of the world... even if you do have to sneak around to have some private time with your guest....

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - a kick in the pants is a change from the 2x4 - but either is appreciated. LOL

I won't pretend I had a good night's sleep helped and I woke up in a completely different frame of mind. I am better, as I only woke up in moderate pain last night and slept a bit better.

The universe did intervene today on my behalf. I originally was supposed to have today off. Then the neighbor asked me to help them for a couple of hours, which would have been fine. Last night, when I was really at a point of just wanting to crawl into bed and move past my mood, my phone rang and it was the college gallery and there was an emergency staff change. It is part of my job to coordinate that and I already anticipated I would end up having to cover. I was accepting that possibility and changed my day around late last night. It was not a day where we could just shut down according to my calendar based on what was supposed to happen in regards to an artist bringing work to install today. I reached out to confirm that with the artist and didn't hear back. I tried to put a positive spin on it all by convincing myself I would just go in and use the time to knock off the paperwork I am really not wanting to deal with at the moment. Yes, procrastinating on some stupid thing that will take maybe a half an hour - I will address it. It is just a stupid process of duplicating things over and over when it makes no sense at all even to the people in that office. It is just how it has always been done is the mentality - bureaucracy at its finest - LOL.

At any rate, I fell into bed and just felt drained and it was this morning I was laying there and realized it is the usual exhaustion and feeling needed. Feeling needed is a nice feeling at times. Yet, if I hear that one more time from someone in the mood I am in today, I might scream. Yes, being needed is something I do appreciate, but I have found myself in that bit of a stretch the past few days where I have not really had time to give myself a break from that role. It didn't help that at the other gallery, I was training a new person - who is great, but it was not what I needed in that moment. The pain I was in didn't help. Basically, I failed to take care of myself and be a bit selfish for even a tiny bit of time - or at least enough to make a difference. I know - it is my constant quest and one I don't do well with.

But, the feeling that I had a hard time overcoming is one that sounds perhaps "needy" and it isn't meant to be. I know there are those that will say they don't need anyone to make them feel wanted, etc. Or they don't measure their worth that way. IDK - I find that I am a person that does like to know I am wanted more than needed sometimes. I needed to feel wanted or like a thought beyond "hey I will call MourningDove who will help me work through this or will have an answer". I don't have all the answers, that is for sure, but I have a knack for trying to figure out who might or for problem solving. It is a good quality, I guess, and I don't often mind helping. I just sometimes don't speak up for myself and say, "not today - I can't". I didn't have the bandwidth and I could feel myself getting to that point.

And, while I like having some time alone, it is never about me wanting to be alone all the time. I can find things to occupy my time and I do need time to sometimes sort things out or just to change gears, etc. I like a bit of space, but I have learned I have to not only ask for it, but I need to be clear that most times I usually just need half an hour or an hour. Once in a great while, I need a day to myself, but beyond that, I honestly work through things pretty quickly again. That was something I was able to do pre-MLC. I can't say that was the case while I was in the thick of things or after, but it is something that has reemerged.

So, this morning, I found myself waking up really early and I could have been up and out of the house by 6 to go for a walk. Instead, I decided to just feel the warm sun shining through the windows and skylights of my room and embrace the silence. Until my phone rang and it was the artist I had contacted last night. They have decided Saturday, which was the other option works better for them to drop off and so I am off the hook for the day. Then came the other text from the other gallery attendant who said they could cover the shift. I found myself suddenly free for the day.

I pondered calling the neighbors and putting that back on the calendar. Nope. Yes, they need the help. I will help them next week. I realized I needed something today and that is I need just a day to regroup and get out of my own head. I was starting to take a walk down Monkey Brain Lane last night. I really hate that path.

I saw my neighbor was next door and walked over to bring him a batch of brownies. I laughed when I handed them to him because I said he needs to be honest because I know he has a terrible sweet tooth, but he also is diabetic and I bought a box mix that is supposed to be sugar free, but I couldn't vouch for the taste of this one. He laughed. Seeing him helped me immensely in terms of a reset.

He had apologized for mowing the lawn so early last weekend. I told him it was actually really funny because, I was in fact awake and his mowing pattern confused me, as in he usually does his lawn or mine first and I know by how close the mower is. He had decided to both at the same time and mow across the property lines, which makes sense. I said I would hear the mower and then suddenly it was way in the distance for a long time. I told him I don't know how to ever thank him for taking care of that for me, as S has the tractor in pieces and working on repairing it. Parts have been on backorder. My neighbor said it is honestly the best thing for him. He enjoys it and allows him to be outside but nearby. He apologized for setting up his camper in the yard and was worried it was an eyesore. I told him not to worry, but I wondered if that had some other meaning. He shook his head and said he doesn't think he will make it to a campsite anytime soon, as he isn't sure his wife can manage.

He always has a smile on his face and he so adores his wife. It is such a refreshing thing to witness. He said he has learned to cook and she tries to do the dishes. He redoes them and doesn't complain because he said she does not remember how to do them anymore as she mixes up the steps - as in wipes them dry first and then washes them. She can't do any basic math skills any longer and she was a whiz at math. He then said she has quit doing her makeup. I must have given him a look of shock. He has never been one to say anything bad about her not wearing makeup and this was not that at all. He knows I have known her long enough to know she was not high maintenance, but I never saw her leave the house without some makeup on, at the very least mascara and lipstick. Her hair was always done. I asked him if she was worse. He shrugged and said the doctors told him she has stabilized for now - she isn't getting worse, but she certainly won't get better. He set up the camper outside so that she will come sit outside with the grandchildren and two of his 4 kids will come to stay overnight in the camper, even though they live close by. The other 2 avoid coming home and I am sure it is in part because they can't really cope with the reality of the situation.

Maybe seeing my neighbor gave me another needed kick in the pants. He is handling being needed with so much grace and love. I know from conversations with him that his life is no longer like it was and he is starved for attention on certain levels. It is never a weird conversation for either of us. He knows I understand and he has said countless times that my Xh is an idiot and they were close friends. He told me his wife did not chose to get dementia and he knows his time with her may be short, so even when it means he has to sacrifice he will. It means that things around their house don't always get done and now there is a camper in the yard. It made me laugh and I told him if that is his worst offense, then I think I can handle it.

I won't see him again for weeks probably, beyond a wave when he gets home from work or drives by. I did tell him I was going to have D help me find a recipe for tiramisu which I know is his absolute favorite as I know his birthday is coming up. D was happy to start looking when I mentioned it to her. Her comment to me was it was nice to have someone nearby that is so committed to his wife and truly loves her. I agreed it is nice to see.

D left for her a job interview and called to tell me about it a short time ago. She has a second interview tomorrow with another potential employer. She leaves for her trip soon and gave me more details about that, as in where she is flying out of - LOL. She also mentioned she is thinking about taking a trip when she gets back to visit a grad program and then drive on to visit BIL 2, who she has avoided now for a bit. They talk, but it had been strained after he at one point a couple of years ago felt she was the only one who could help XH. It was the one time my BIL and I had words with one another. I recall telling him it wasn't fair for anyone to put that on her shoulders. Yes, maybe Xh needed her, but he didn't make any of it easy for her and at some point he needs to help himself to really make any difference.

Now that the day has opened up, I am going to take some time and actually work outside in the gardens. I have other things I probably should do, but it is beautiful outside and I need a change of scenery. I have even prepared myself for the possibility of Xh driving by as it is his "normal" meeting day in town. I will behave and not flip him off, but I am at least not going to let his potential presence knock me off kilter more than I was last night.

[MadLuv]

 

Looking back, I can now see things a bit clearer. The on ramp to the crisis. It doesn't really matter at this point beyond I have learned a whole lot about myself and in truth I knew way back that Xh was going to hit a wall, I just didn't anticipate his full meltdown. I figured I could weather this storm, as I had in the past. I could have maybe handled him being upset with me, but I never saw him ever leaving the kids or just throwing that part of his life away the way he has. That made the whole situation completely different

  I can relate to this as well. I knew my XH was struggling. I thought it was grief and job pressure and I was willing to suck it up and fight for my family. I think now I see it a bit different. I try very hard not to rewrite my own history, but honestly I put up with a lot. I think we do have to go through it all. Know we tried everything. I am beyond saddened to see who he has become and in all honesty he was just a better man when he was with me. They attach to humans worse and so they become worse. You are who you associate with. Thats how I look at it.

30 year anniversary came and it was not as tough as I thought it would be. Now, when I found out much later he remarried on that month I was utterly devastated!! Each hit really does makes us stronger. It’s all starting to feel like a lifetime ago. The marriage and family together. Thats sad, but a much calmer place to be!

[UrsaMajor]

UrsaMajor - a kick in the pants is a change from the 2x4 - but either is appreciated. LOL

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - LOL. Yes, I have said it before - you should get a raise.  : )

MadLuv- I admit this has certainly tested my strength and there is a lot of things I now maybe see that lead up to the whole crisis.

I do admit that there was a time when I began to enable Xh during the crisis. That was a huge mistake on my part and allowing my FIL to move in, when it was never supposed to happen that way. He was going to stay a short time and fine his own place originally. Instead FIL liked having meals cooked, etc and I didn't push back enough when I knew it was really a huge mistake. I convinced myself maybe it is how FIL and Xh would resolve the FOO issues. I sacrificed way too much of myself during that time.

That said, in my case, in spite of the problems my Xh may have let get out of hand, I can't say I experienced a situation when I made him better. I would never have even dated him if that were the case. I know there were things about him that many women would tell me that they could see the attraction, but he was very high maintenance in many ways. I accepted his perceived flaws and didn't try to change him. We were for a very long time known to others as a very dynamic couple that were good for one another and partners. We respected our strengths and weaknesses. It was really only when he quit talking about his childhood issues and bottled them up that it really became apparent other things were bubbling below the surface. I knew I couldn't fix them, but I hoped he would work through them and I just adjusted.

I also really have no idea if he is happy or not or a horrible person. Is he the man I knew and respected? Not as far as I can see. I could probably make a better assessment a few years ago when I would see him, but I honestly only know about blips here and there from interactions very rarely or through what I know about from primarily S. I try very hard to not know a thing about him if I can. It is impossible to cut him out completely due to the things like him driving by and because we live in the same region or because of the kids. It is going to happen. I was recently asked if he is still with OW. I have no clue. I don't really care one way or the other.

The OW - she was a special, very manipulative type of person. My issues with her really have to do with the games she began to play with me and my kids. She is not fully to blame though and I keep that in mind. My Xh was not some innocent child in this situation. He made a choice, not once with her but twice. That was my line in the sand in regards to that second BD and even then I was considering standing.

I know that there are marriages where one makes the other one better, or people will say that. I have heard that from some people in regards to my marriage. I just don't have that perspective. I also don't buy into it because in my case, I know that Xh's family has a very different take on it - aside from BIL and in their scenario, I am the one who drove us into financial hardship and was selfish, etc.

Maybe it is that I have gotten to a point where I - as, in my own situation - no judgement on anyone else - I really don't think it benefits me to believe I brought out the best in my Xh. Did we compliment one another - yes. But, he was a very talented, capable, independent person before I came on the scene. That was part of his appeal. He had his $h!te together. Sure, he had quirks, but they were just that. He went on to become a very wonderful H for a very long time and a very involved F who adored his kids. He did so many things that I really attribute to why my kids are as grounded as they are. It was not the MD show all the time.

The problems arose when it just blew up. My F, who thought of him like a S has said it over and over again - he just doesn't know what really happened to Xh. It makes little sense, even though he too said he can see when the problems arose and it all basically goes back to things in Xh's life that he never really dealt with properly - primarily abandonment and grief. Bottled it up and it just was too much pressure.

Someone commented not long ago that I probably would pick on someone similar to Xh or go in a completely different direction. It made me stop a second and laugh because they don't know me very well. Sure, there are probably some similar aspects if I somehow went down some check list, but I really haven't done that. My sister, when I told her she laughed. She said the similarities are there in tiny blips, and the most important parallel she sees is that this person has their own things and I do and we allow one another to be individuals. Xh was very good at that prior to MLC. There are maybe some other things here and there, but by in large what she sees is I have someone that likes to do many of the things I like to and I have a calmness about me in terms of the relationship at least most of the time. That is, that when I am around them it is easy to see that I am at ease with them and with who I am, and not in some boring way. A contentedness. She said we clearly have some fun adventures that Xh would have never done - like hiking some impromptu place, etc.

And maybe that is part of why I don't really put too much thought into how Xh is now. He could be back to parts of his core and blissfully happy. I do know that what I have seen is a person who I would have never even considered dating if he had been like he is now. It may be in part because I have changed too much. It could be he has. If OW is around, maybe she brings out things in him that are bad or good. I can't speak to that. I do know I am certainly not going to be inviting the two of them to my house nor would I want to see them together. That would still probably trigger me. I know that is possible.

All I know is I have moved on to other things in life. It is not always easy. Like tonight. I am going to an event by myself and I am excited on one hand, but really not looking forward to going alone. It is not easy navigating things alone. It will be a nice event, but I really would prefer to go with someone. Yet, it is not an option and I refuse to just bow out because  Xh felt I wasn't worth hanging around with any longer. It is his loss in many ways, but maybe more from the standpoint that he blew up his entire family to get his freedom and happiness. I know that on Sunday, when S has decided not to go see him and is taking my F out for the day instead, it probably is not exactly how Xh pictured things going. But, I am not sure - maybe he has made plans of his own.

And for the record, I take no joy in S not spending Father's Day with Xh. It isn't like a win for me. I do understand that there are situations where kids are kept from one parent out of spite and kids are manipulated. It saddens me more for my kids than Xh and that is solely because the kids didn't get a choice. I did my best to keep those lines open for Xh and he made the choice. The kids - they are now making choices based on Xh's actions. Things I have no control over. From that standpoint - I know that this version of Xh is not the same version I knew many years ago. This version is a very different man than I ever knew.

[MadLuv]

I want to clarify when I said he was a better man when with me. I did not make my XH a better man. He just was a better man with me than he is now. We were very similar to you and your H as a couple. People respected us as a  power couple also. What I meant by him being a better man was that he respected himself more when he was with me ( well until the cheating obviously) but the man he is now has no character or morales.

The biggest issue I have with him now is being an absent father and grandfather. He is also with a OW/wife that enables him and doesn't  encourage a relationship with his kids.  If it was someone else telling me their story I would be disgusted in their husband. I still cant’t believe this is who he has become, yet now I totally accept it. If that makes sense. I also feel like you. I feel horrible that my kids will not see or talk to their Dad tomorrow. I have taken down all social media over a month ago. I have found much more peace in it. Although I am very fortunate my XH was nevwr on any social media. I wish I could say the same for his  wife.

[MourningDove]

MadLuv - I understand what you are getting at.

My issue with someone saying my Xh was better with me is really more of an issue I have. It stems largely from a relationship I had when I was in high school through college. I was the reason someone was "better" with me. I cared deeply about him, but it became too much to be the reason someone was able to behave.

My boyfriend at the time was not strong enough to be true to his core - that is he gave into peer pressure. He was 4 years older, and I was this quiet freshman. His friends gave him such a hard time about dating what they deemed a goody-two shoes and nerd. He never drank or did drugs around me, ever. He respected me and knew I liked to have fun, but partying all weekend and waking up to a hangover that lasted for days was something that to me seemed like a waste of my life. I never kept him from doing what he did, I simply said I wanted no part of it. His friends would call me and it upset him terribly but he wasn't even strong enough to tell them off. They would call me and they expected to scare me or upset me. I would see them in the hallways later and they could not believe this little freshman didn't give a damn about their opinion of me. It would be years later that one of them apologized and said they were jerks and it rattled them that they couldn't get me to bend or break.

I had hoped my boyfriend would go off to college and find people who saw his worth and help him find his own strength. That hope that he would be in his chosen field and find that inner worth. Unfortunately, he moved into a dorm and in a need to be accepted, he aligned himself with a group that was all about partying. He didn't care about the partying, that was the funny part. It was that he wanted people to like him. He was afraid to be himself. I knew back then it was because his father had abandoned him at 3 years old and never came back. Even though he had a wonderful man that became his "F" - that FOO issue was always hanging over him. I just didn't attempt to fix it. I never blew sunshine up his backside nor did I give him a reason to somehow think I would abandon him. It was something I later learned that he journaled about later in life. My reasons for letting go were that I realized while I cared about him, if I stayed in and somehow allowed myself to be the reason he was "better" - whether by being his GF or by remaining his friend, he had no reason to get stronger on his own. Being the reason he was "better" was draining me and I also seemed to know what was unfolding.

It was a very hard thing to walk away from - his friendship. Not the part about being my BF. But, I missed his friendship. I wanted him to fly on his own and live a good life. Instead, over the years I would hear about his life and it was sickening to me. The partying life collided with his regular life and grew into a coping mechanism. Which lead to him going down a path that would find him breaking laws, etc. I would later run into his sister when he had celebrated his 40th birthday. She was so happy to see me and told me ha had finally gotten himself on the right path. It wouldn't last long and not because of addictions. He died tragically a couple of years later in a manner that haunted me in many ways.

When he died, Xh was in MLC and I was often told I made Xh better. I think part of that phrasing made me somehow feel like I was being blamed for Xh's crisis - as if I had any control over it.

Being someone's reason for being better - for me - is too much. I don't want to be the reason someone is better. I am not judging anyone else at all. I think it is just one of those sensitive areas I will always have. My friend dying was not my fault nor could I have ever fixed it for him. I was thinking about it this past week a lot. I had a strange twist of fate - something no one will ever tell me was just coincidence that I now wonder if it was meant to happen to let me know it wasn't my fault that he went down that path.

I had never met this former BF's son, but he had an accident in front of my house. I opened the door to see this young man who reminded me of someone and it wasn't until later, when I found out who it was that I knew why it was familiar. There stood a kid, all of 17 who looked like the same young man who would come to pick me up for a date. The young man was driving his F's car and hit a large animal, totaling the car. It would be days later, when I saw my former BF's sister that I found out the former BF had died that night and the kid was on his way home from the hospital. I have journaled about it before, but it was this week and the discussion about "better" that maybe made me forgive myself completely. I couldn't fix him. I never wanted to. I just wanted better for him.

I wanted better for Xh. I still do, but I just don't want him back.

I spent the past few days with my parents on a road trip. I was alone a lot, since my parents were worn out and we were back at the hotel very early. I spent time sitting outside by the pool and reading and just "being". Maybe it was about letting go of some little remnants of guilt that still remained. I found myself wanting to let go of as much of the remaining pieces as possible. I made some decisions that I put into motion a few minutes ago.

I have no desire to get rid of every bit of XH that is in terms of I am not out to burn wedding pictures or those historical things. They may not be out in the open or something I need to somehow pull out and go over and over. There are no shrines being built. I just am okay with having some history in my life. It wasn't all bad and it is in my history. I also have kids that I don't want them to think that somehow it was always bad. It wasn't. That is also their history. I won't rewrite it. Yet, there are things that have been in the house that I really have had not dealt with for a variety of reasons.

I texted Xh and out and out asked him if he wanted some specific books. They really are his books - as he had a hand in their design and such when he worked with that company. I could have easily sold them and made a killing, I am sure. They are highly sought after. Neither kid knows the true background. I could have used them for my classes, but there has been something that has stopped me in part because it just injects Xh into my professional life again - it is silly but that is the way it makes me feel. I could have donated the books. Instead they sit in a box that I haven't dealt with. I made the decision to take a higher road and texted Xh to ask if he wanted them. Nothing more. No threats to me saying I would sell them, etc. Just "do you want these". He immediately responded yes, he would really love them and that was so very thoughtful of me. I then told him there was another item that I was sending with S in a couple of weeks and S has explicit instructions to give them to SIL's partner, as they mean the most to her. It was something we bought years ago at an estate sale for their former neighbor, who she adored. Xh said that he agreed they really belong with her and thanked me.

Now, this exchange is not some door I am opening. I am in fact closing the doors on the past by getting rid of these things. I have no plans to start texting Xh on some regular basis. I only did it to make sure the only part S plays in this is to be the one who delivers the box. I had toyed with having S ask Xh and I decided to make sure I stay true to making sure I don't put the kids in the middle of some communication. I won't do that.

S sort of laughed when I told him. He said "you know dad is going to ask me what is going on". I smiled and said I was sure he will. S knows what has pushed me and it is not some big plan, but more about my own feelings and needing to "clean house". I had said nothing, but S was quick to notice that my library had some new things on the shelves that were gifts. He smiled and said nothing at the time. I know he realizes that I am making new memories and things like books that mean nothing to me are taking up precious room for those new memories.

D leaves in a couple of weeks. S informed me he will be watching SIL's house for nearly 3 weeks starting after the 4th - at least that is based on the last dates floated. He joked I might change the locks while they are gone, as I might really like having the house to myself for some time. I told him not to give me any ideas - LOL

I love my kids, but yes, I am going to enjoy having a break. 

[UrsaMajor]

It's that new game in town - "What will the Mid-Lifer make of this!"

S is right, MLCxH will probably be monkey-braining but that is not your circus or your monkeys...

As far as the kids go.....

https://youtu.be/aGSKrC7dGcY

[Treasur]

Sometimes you just know when it’s time, don’t you?

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - No, it is not my circus nor my monkeys. I am more like the zoo keeper at the house that sometimes feels like a zoo - LOL.

As for knowing it is time, yes, I think that was just the feeling. It is not that the books have been in the way, but they are still in my living space and they do take up the space. The decision to ask Xh was not something I batted around. It was a truly quick decision and one I didn't somehow go back and forth on. It was a "these have to go and I will ask the question and get an answer and move on" moment. I am not questioning myself about any of it. Maybe I should - LOL. IDK.

The truth is it felt good to just make it that simple. Ask him and then move on. There was a time when every moment I encountered Xh in any manner was torture in some manner. Painful or fraught with questioning myself. Should I? Shouldn't I? What if? Will my actions make him come back or run away? I can think of countless scenarios or questions I would have asked myself early in this journey that I now realize were in so many ways wasted energy in that during that time Xh didn't care one lick what I was feeling. He was on a mission to move out and start his new adventure. He was done with the marriage while I was still reeling from the news he wanted out.

My day has been anything but normal today. I was crying this morning and literally wanting to just lean against a wall and cry all day. I felt so defeated. I haven't really gone away in a long time on any type of vacation. Last year I went with D with my parents, but that was different. This time, while I was the "chauffeur" and I followed my parent's schedule and didn't go off on my own in terms of leaving them alone at the hotel, I did have time to myself. Time I could just sit by the pool, which is not something I normally do - and I had very few disruptions in terms of the kids needing things or being "on call". I had left work in good shape before I left at both places.

This. morning started with having to have my car towed to the dealership due to some horrible noise it is now making. Then my phone blew up and it would seem the artist who was supposed to install their show last week at the one gallery didn't finish and now that is up in the air. Paperwork that I asked about last week and the one office said they would chase wasn't a priority last week, but now suddenly they are panicked because it is a holiday next week.

The day I was supposed to have off became a full day of work remotely. The laundry I started this morning has yet to make it out of the washer into the dryer.

Then the mail came. Nothing of any great consequence except my electric bill came and I was completely perplexed by the tabulations. Hmmmm. I know my average bill and while I was thrilled that somehow I only owed $5 this month - which confused me to no end, but I thought maybe I over paid. Then as I went down the statement it claimed my last bill was over a $1,100 and I had a credit for $1,300. Oh? Gosh, I think I would have remembered something like that. So, another call to be made. I know the bill I had last month wasn't that much at all. No where near it and it has not been a month where I could even remotely come up with a scenario to have used that much additional electric. The company claimed it was a malfunction of the meter and I over paid last month by some so there was a credit and they made the proper adjustments. Let's just say that by the end of the call I wanted to just throw my hands up and cry "uncle".

Maybe it was the last call I had that set me back on the right mental path. This is just a hiccup. My car - who knows?Could be a little something or a big something. It could be covered by warranty. It might not be. I have to accept what is and can't change it. It just sometimes feels like I can't get ahead. I am tired of working so hard since Xh went off the rails. It is hard to have gone from living a very comfortable life monetarily to having that safety net ripped out from under me. I have fought so hard to regain grounds and I don't need much. I am usually content with so little.

I have those moments where I get angry and think maybe Xh has it figured out - LOL. You know, ditch all responsibilities and live it up. Reality hits and I realize what I would have to give up. In spite of all of the stress, I know what I would be walking away from. Okay, so the laundry won't get all done today. Big deal. I resolved other things and at least my car broke down close to home and not while I was away. I could have been dealing with it from several hundred miles away and D freaking out. She got home safe and we will see. I know the dealership will take good care of me. I am also glad it happened this week and not during the holiday week. I am telling myself it could have been worse and this is just one of those things. Something will give the other direction at some point. I just have to hang tight a bit.

I had planned on working on some paintings tonight, but that will be tabled. I know I am at the point where painting won't relax me at all and will result in more frustration than anything else. And, with the humidity, maybe it is just as well for tonight. Instead, I will find something else to keep me out of trouble. Maybe I will put those books in S's vehicle when he gets home. LOL

[UrsaMajor]

Then my phone blew up and it would seem the artist who was supposed to install their show last week at the one gallery didn't finish and now that is up in the air. Paperwork that I asked about last week and the one office said they would chase wasn't a priority last week, but now suddenly they are panicked because it is a holiday next week.

Ah yes... the good old "We didn't do our job so now YOU have to react accordingly" syndrome... Sort of like a Mid-Lifer on a commercial scale.... Actions = consequences....   AKA "Lack of Proper Prior Planning on your part will not necessarily invoke an emergency reaction on my part."

I have those moments where I get angry and think maybe Xh has it figured out - LOL. You know, ditch all responsibilities and live it up. Reality hits and I realize what I would have to give up. In spite of all of the stress, I know what I would be walking away from.

You mean things like .... oh... I don't know..... Honesty? Integrity? Accountability? Reliability?  That is about it because Karma makes darn sure that the consequences will STILL come around, no matter how hard they run and hide and try to deny culpability for their actions...

Instead, I will find something else to keep me out of trouble. Maybe I will put those books in S's vehicle when he gets home. LOL

  Should be about Wine o'clock, right? There's yer answer....

[Reinventing]

MD, I was amazed at the story about the former bf, his death, and then his son showing up at your door. It was like a movie scene in my mind.

[MourningDove]

Then my phone blew up and it would seem the artist who was supposed to install their show last week at the one gallery didn't finish and now that is up in the air. Paperwork that I asked about last week and the one office said they would chase wasn't a priority last week, but now suddenly they are panicked because it is a holiday next week.

Ah yes... the good old "We didn't do our job so now YOU have to react accordingly" syndrome... Sort of like a Mid-Lifer on a commercial scale.... Actions = consequences....   AKA "Lack of Proper Prior Planning on your part will not necessarily invoke an emergency reaction on my part."

That has been how the entire week has been so far - it would seem there is some trend this week. Unfortunately, these are becoming my problems because I am the one who is coordinating all of these things for the gallery and the college gallery. It has been like herding cats this week. Things out of my control in that I can't do the work for them. I am hating having to nag and chase things. It is causing a whole lot of heartache and headaches. It will pass. It is not unusual in the overall grand scheme, it happens - it is just that this week seems to feel like I can't catch a breath.

I did have good news on the car and it was actually really amusing. It was a simple fix and not a major problem, but there was no way to tell. It did give my dad and I a little excursion, as he drove me to pick up the car and I took him out to an old fashioned drive in diner where they have an area where they still will bring your food out to your car with some of the the wait staff on roller-skates. We didn't partake in that service, and chose to sit inside. It is one of those places that is very simple and my dad loves going there. So, for all of my complaining about the other stuff, it was fun.

That said, while he drove to and from the dealership, I was working on my computer putting out fires via email in the car. Not my idea of a fun drive. LOL

MD, I was amazed at the story about the former bf, his death, and then his son showing up at your door. It was like a movie scene in my mind.

Reinventing - It does sound like a movie plot, if I gel it down all of the years and interactions to that abbreviated version. It is all very odd when I look back and string it together. For instance the night his son came to the door, it is not like I looked at this kid and knew the connection. It was more of a "why does that kid seem so familiar" at first. I was busy calling 911 while my Xh went outside to wait with the kid. I wouldn't learn that it was my former BF's son until later and then the other details came in small bits, like the fact that he had gone to the hospital to say his goodbyes, etc. I learned much of this a couple of weeks later when I saw my former BF's sister. So, it wasn't exactly a Hollywood moment, but strung together it is a night that sort of haunts me at times because there were so many things that are hard to brush off as coincidental. The BF's sister is convinced that it was her brother's way of saying goodbye to me. IDK - I can't say for sure. I would like to think that is possible and for her, it brought her a strong sense of peace, tbh, so I will accept her explanation.

I have been told many times by people they don't have interesting stories like mine. I don't believe that is true. I just happen to recall some very strange things or find the absurdity in a whole lot. I also have paid a great deal of attention to things being someone who is visual. I see things sometimes other's don't.

For instance, last week while I was with a colleague of mine on a bit of a field trip I was sitting in the passenger seat of the car and at a stop light. We were not in a residential area nor a particularly populated area either. We were at the stop light for several minutes when the passenger door of the car ahead of us opened and an older man just got out and started walking into a field. There was no shouting, or any fanfare. He didn't look like he had say dementia or was confuse. He just got out and my colleague and I looked at each other and burst out laughing because there was no distress. It simply looked like he decided to take a walk. We spent several minutes coming up with scenarios. Of course this colleague has a background in creative literature so it was even funnier to both of us.

I think we all have interesting lives or stories. IDK - maybe I am wrong and I just have lived a very weird life - LOL

Not all of my week has been utter madness. I do have a line on a possible commission which is intriguing me. I had a conference call this morning with a cabinet maker and the potential client. We will see where it goes. I have a whole lot of research to do before I say yes. It has a decent lead time and based on the conversation with the cabinet maker, I am pretty confident this is doable. I am not ready to just say yes, but my gut is telling me right now it feels like a good idea. That said, I have learned that sometimes that feeling in my gut is excitement in these cases and I have to make sure that I am not letting my excitement overrule my more practical and business minded side.

Now if only I could get this week to slow down a little - just a smidge - LOL

[UrsaMajor]

Here you go....

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - that clip sums up what herding cats would look like.

It has been a stretch since I have posted, it seems. I have had moments where I have considered it, but then found myself pulling back. Maybe it was what needed to happen in that, I honestly needed to refocus my energies a bit. For one, it is hard enough at times to push the MLC to the background of my life. BD was years ago now and it no longer hurts the same way, but the triggers do sometimes creep in and that is something that I have had to accept may always be there in some form. The difference is now I recognize them quicker and can usually work through them quickly. If anything, they surprise me more now when they happen.

The summer flew by, in part because I was able to spend more time with a certain someone in my life. My sister introduced him as my BF to a group and then sort of paused, concerned maybe that was not a comfortable term. It is in essence what I call him when asked, but it seems like a strange term to use at my age, and divorced, yet I am not a fan (for myself) of some of the other terms people use. The label is not important in the grand scheme, that is, I know that there is no one else I am even remotely interested in and our time together, while not as frequent as perhaps I sometimes wish for, is easy and comfortable, yet not in some mundane way. It is comfortable in that for the first time in what seems like forever, there is no pressure for me to be anyone but myself. I do miss him more now than I did before when we are apart and that is a bit jarring for me, I will admit. I never expected that to be a feeling that would ever exist again for another person. At BD no one would have ever convinced me that my feelings would change for Xh and I could be really happy with someone else.

The truth of the matter is, detaching was the best thing for me. It was a hard decision to finally make for me. Going against my own beliefs about marriage and somehow trying to reconcile in my head what had happened to the man I knew and loved was a very long journey. I know with every fiber of my being now though that staying with Xh and somehow trying to ride it out would have completely destroyed me mentally and physically, not to mention the financial fallout. He did not care, nor does he seem to care now.

I have found myself referring to Xh by his name more and more. I found that when I referred to him as "my Xh" it seemed to close for me. The more time I spent with the person in my life now, the more it felt odd - for me  and no one else - to have Xh seem like a close person when I used the word my next to him. He was once "my" person. He is in my past, but that pesky word "my" bothered me. It seems silly, but I realized that in order to move past my own hang up about it, I needed to try and eliminate that possessive aspect for myself. It strangely helped me detach more.

Now, when I say I have detached more, it doesn't mean I somehow have banned any mention of him. I didn't have one of my famous bonfires and burn his things or memories of him. I did clean out more things that no longer have a place in my life that were his or ours, but most were just things that maybe were decorations, etc. There were no tears. No fanfare. I found new homes for them after first asking the kids if they wanted them.

I had a weird trigger that I haven't had in a long time and it revolved around the start of school. The first day of school for 2 years in a row I had been hit with BDs - 1 & 2, followed by my finalized divorce papers arriving the third year the first day of that school year. It took some serious work to move past that trigger in the past, and I had shaken it - so I thought. Unfortunately, there were a couple of other things that simply piled on and I was a little rattled. The fact that I was triggered is what shocked me more than anything and I admit it made me pretty emotional. But the emotions were really more about being angry and upset with myself for being knocked down by it at all after so many months.

Summer and fall have not been without some Xh interactions. I have not seen him, but he contacted S and asked to borrow S's trailer awhile back. S asked me if it was okay. That made me laugh and I asked why would I care? S said Xh would have to come and pick it up and Xh was concerned I would maybe find it awkward. S and I both laughed when I responded "only if he makes it awkward". I told S that I wasn't going to run and hide, but Xh should not expect some invite in for dinner either. If I had seen him, so be it. I would not be unkind and said to S that I was more concerned about it being awkward for he or D. S ended up delivering the trailer because he had to be in that part of the region for a work related job. Now S is aggravated because Xh seemed in a rush to borrow the trailer, but has yet to return it or even use it.

D tried to yet again be the one to reach out and present an olive branch. She and S went on a trip and she came across some of Xh's favorite candy, which is hard to find. S delivered it and Xh right away thanked S, who said it was not from him. Xh reached out to D and said thank you. She opened the door for him and he peaked through and then has promptly slammed it shut again. She gave him an easy in. No pressure on her end, but clearly it is too much for him. He proceeded to go away the next week and asked S to watch the cottage and psycho dog and never once mentioned it to D. S assumed that Xh and D were back to talking. Needless to say S felt bad when he was the one that mentioned Xh had gone on a road trip.

Then came the shock that I am still trying to wrap my head around as are both kids. On his trip he decided to get a tattoo. That would not have really shocked me. The giant tattoo on his back was a shock. S only showed me when we were discussing something else and it opened up the opportunity to share it with me. He in fact asked me if I could guess whose tattoo it was. Yah, I had no clue. Now, it seems Xh is planning on a full back tattoo, which had S scratching his head last night and saying to me that was not on his Bingo card. Mine either. Gotta admit.

I think the most frustrating thing to come up happened last night. I have had some very unexpected expenses that really cut into my little bit of savings deeply and I was already frustrated. Bouncing back from this financial mess that was directly related to the MLC months and in part by me not putting the brakes on any of it has been a battle. And I do realize I probably wouldn't have been able to it anyways, since by the time I realized what was going on it was like trying to stop a runaway freight train. It is funny when life now kicks me financially, I get frustrated but it is nothing like last night's frustration that zapped my energy immediately.

I had come home from work and was worn out. I had been very busy and thought missing a step at work was a good idea and fell down the small flight of stairs. I was banged up, but not hurt badly. Today, I am just achy and have friction burns in a couple of spots from the fall. Nothing serious. Just felt stupid. So, I came home and was trying to relax. Then D informs me the internet wasn't working properly. I addressed that and had to call back again today. Then another question and some other stupid issue. I sort of laughed and figured it was not the night to take on any big tasks. As D was making dinner, she paused and said that S wasn't going to tell me, because he took care of it, and didn't want to upset me. It would seem that S went to pay a medical bill for his recent Dr visit and they informed him that he had a past balance from 2016 of $400. I was processing the whole thing and then D said the reason S didn't say anything to me was because that was during the divorce months. S would have been 18.

Let's just say I was beyond upset. I was upset because it is part of the mess of funds Xh was supposed to take care of. Just like the taxes he neglected to deal with at that time and I ended up paying. It made me feel so incredibly stupid for not knowing this existed and embarrassed. I try so hard to be responsible, even when I don't want to be. It feeds into the narrative that Xh used that I was the one who ran up credit cards and destroyed our finances. He sold that story to all who would listen. So here I was feeling like I somehow have just proven him right. I know - it is not necessarily the reality, but I was mortified. I was upset S was left to clean up a mess that should not have been his to clean up. Yes, he is an adult, I realize, but that time period was so tough for all of us. I felt bad he felt like has to protect me from the mess.

I went to bed last night feeling shame that I really shouldn't have felt in reality. That whole time period, I was lucky I was functioning at all. I have already forgiven myself for only being able to just get up and go to work most days.

This morning D and I went out to deliver a piece of artwork of mine that was accepted into an exhibit. We stopped at the coffee shop and she pushed me aside when I went to pay for our order. She shook her head and said it was on her. She said she realized last night that I am the reason she and S have a roof over their heads and I have kept my promise to both of them to help them get on their feet so they can have some stability. S has been able to make some good financial moves that will help him in the long run and D is able to focus on grad school applications and deciding her next move. As we drove home she said she sees that she and S do help around the house, but maybe they both need to contribute in other ways too.

Maybe it is what needed to happen. IDK. I am still licking my wounds over it all. I have to have S get me a copy of the statement, because I simply want to know what the bill is even for, considering I carried the health insurance at that time. I suspect it has something to do with immunizations and such for college, but it is frustrating.

Part of the frustration is wrapped up in my own feelings of embarrassment. I am still working through those feelings. It is not just the financial embarrassment right now. It is also that I am angry that the MLC BS just reappeared. When will that just stop haunting me?

On the plus side - at least it is just sporadic and not a constant. If anything it reminds me when I feel this way, that this is how I felt for months when MLC was just a daily event. I couldn't get any footing. I cannot imagine feeling this way daily and it amazes me that I survived at all. Maybe I just needed a reminder. 

[UrsaMajor]

<snort> - you were the one that mentioned herding cats.. I just gave the visual...

As far as

It is also that I am angry that the MLC BS just reappeared. When will that just stop haunting me?

goes, I wish I had an answer... Maybe when the Mid-Lifer croaks over? or we croak over? I mean, as long as there are kids in the mix, I fear there is always the lurking landmine around somewhere.... Maybe once the kids are totally grown and on their own, all the rubbish will have been cleared out... Who knows. I mean, 2016 is 7 years ago so that is going a LONG time back.... If stuff THAT old can pop up now.... UGH!

[MadLuv]

I think with kids you are always connected and with that can come triggers. My kids are fully grown and they haven’t seen their Dad now in 2 years. That alone brings issues my was as I am the parent still involved.  It hard. Being the sole responsible parent. No one to bounce off of with frustrations. Taking on everything alone. That cup of coffee on your D says it all. A little but “BIG” acknowledgment that your seen for being there!!

I have to remind myself daily of the things that I am grateful for big and small. Still, you’re allowed to have the days that you are triggered or sad. That life isn’t fair. That this situation that was thrust upon you has lasting effects on your psyche. Thank you for sharing. Again, a reminder that their are ebbs and flows in this journey and that is normal in a anything but normal situation .

[Nas]

I have found myself referring to Xh by his name more and more. I found that when I referred to him as "my Xh" it seemed to close for me. The more time I spent with the person in my life now, the more it felt odd - for me  and no one else - to have Xh seem like a close person when I used the word my next to him. He was once "my" person. He is in my past, but that pesky word "my" bothered me. It seems silly, but I realized that in order to move past my own hang up about it, I needed to try and eliminate that possessive aspect for myself. It strangely helped me detach more.

Really interesting, MD. It's so funny, I have the exact opposite feeling. Calling him by his name feels so present and familiar, like he's still someone I know. If I said his name, it felt like he was somehow there, or would be there - not like I was conjuring him up in a Beetlejuice kind of way  , just in that familiar way you speak of friends, colleagues and other people in your life by first name with no qualifiers.
 
On here, I usually say "former H" but IRL, if I have to speak of him, I say "my ex" and after saying that for a while, it started to feel very right. "My ex," my past.

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor & MadLuv - fortunately the triggers are fleeting and infrequent. I think the last one really just surprised me, as I hadn't expected that response. As for the "haunting of the MLC past" - I worked through the aggravation. I suppose as long as I have kids with the X, then I am going to encounter these things. Fortunately, most are simply small bumps in the road. It is not worth chasing after him over, frankly. I am able to get upset and then move on from it quicker.

Nas - I have been thinking about your response, in that I wonder if for me it is easier to do so because I have kids with him? IDK- In my case it is easier to make him just some name that is in my past. It does certainly bring up the idea that we all have our own ways of moving on and finding methods that work for each of us.

Earlier this week the college had a day designated for special events open to faculty and students. Normally, I have attended the art area events as has my one colleague. Neither of us were really terribly excited about the event this semester, and I think in part that was largely due to both of us expressing really needing a break from it all. We decided instead to go on an excursion for the day to a couple of museums. I have gone with him before on another such day event and it has been such a good experience. He is relatively new to the area and not many people will entertain the amount of time he may ponder a piece of artwork. I on the other hand, will. The last trip we took the one museum says it takes the average person 45 minutes to see everything. We were there 4 hours. Assessing the individual pieces and then admiring the overall curatorial aspects of the exhibit spaces. Yah - it is not something I could do every time I go somewhere, but none the less, it was a great day. And, he and I have become good friends. He is a very private person overall, but I know he probably needed this get away more than I did, as he is dealing with some difficult personal decisions regarding a family member's care.

He shared with me something that set off a discussion and he caught himself, as he asked me a question and I answered about the divorce. He apologized he might have brought up something very painful. The context isn't really important nor the actual conversation, but what struck me was it would have once been very painful to talk about. It didn't even make me wince or feel sadness. It was a bit strange. I explained to him that it was sad when it happened. It was brutally painful, but for some reason I think that part of me has healed. It is a moment in time.

The kids have both been bringing up some memories as of late from their childhood. It has been fun talking and sharing. It is odd because these are things that were painful for them for sometime. Those memories from when things were different and life was pretty good before the whole MLC BS. And, it wasn't that any of us were wishing for what was. It has been different this time - the memories they are bringing up - like they have reached a point where it doesn't hurt as much and it is okay for them to talk about.

I think part of it is both kids have been making more efforts to spend time with my family. S briefly visited the X last weekend, but wasn't there long. That sort of surprised me, TBH, but S said he wanted to go with my F to visit my F's cousin's farm - a trip they used to take together regularly when S was little.

It is not that I wish for the kids to somehow detach from Xh's family or him completely. I wish he would get his head on straight, but this whole new quest for a full back tattoo and such has all of us scratching our heads. It is just so completely opposite of what any of us knew. Add the change from the F who went to every event the kids had to barely seeing them now is really so strange. Xh didn't even know S changed jobs within the company he works for because they haven't really spoken.

Today, both kids brought up my parent's anniversary which we have been planning. We aren't having a big party, as they don't want anything like that at all. Instead, we are planning a luncheon with the immediate family. My parents are really looking forward to the event. What came up today was the kids mentioned my parent's 50th anniversary party and then the 55th. The 50th was probably during the winding up for MLC to hit, but Xh was very involved with helping me get tickets for a theater event that was sold out. He was able to get tickets through a client of his and it turned out afterwards, my parents were able to go backstage. They had a wonderful time. We had arranged a dinner at my sister's house afterwards and I had a cake made similar to their original wedding cake. Their 55th rolled around and I barely recall much of it at all, TBH. I was so steeped in the weight of what was going on at that time - the divorce had been finalized a year prior but I was digging my way out of debt and just trying to get the kids off to college, etc. Xh was playing games with support and so on. It felt like it would never end.

Time flew by and now this year, it is a different scenario. The biggest concern about any of the event is selecting which cake to order - LOL.

Today, I thought about some other triggers that have healed over. Some are things I had to work through. It dawned on me that the triggers I have experienced are not all the same. That is, some certainly were PTSD type of responses. I found those harder to work through. Some I have had to face head on and others have been a continual process of healing and having people there to support me. That support was not always having people telling me things I wanted to hear. It involved sometimes having to work through some reality. It was not easy.

My journey to my current relationship has certainly not been linear. If anyone had said this is where we would be now, I would not have believed it, even when there were times I wanted more than I had. There was a friendship that has never really gone away. There were some rough patches and misunderstandings, but I now realize those were blessings. I was truly not ready for a relationship with anyone of this nature at that point. And the funny thing is, it dawned on me today that it has lead to something way better than it might have had things progressed quicker. I have thought about it a lot and strangely I am grateful now for the way things have unfolded. The ups and downs of our lives needed to shake out the way that they did for me to feel secure again and have this much trust. I don't know where it ultimately leads - it is not like I have a plan. LOL

It leads me back to maybe why the use of "my" started to bother me in regards to the X. He is no longer "my" person and while he is part of "my" past, it seems odd for me to refer to him in that possessive way. I think as my relationship has progressed, I began to feel as if it was almost disrespectful for me to refer to him as "my X" to the man I am with (and not because he has ever expressed any such concerns). Perhaps it is because of the kids that made me decide to refer to him by name or when they discuss him, as their F. IDK - I wonder if I didn't have kids with him, if I would have felt differently. Or if he had been a vanisher as opposed to his current state. One of those things I will never know the answer to and ultimately probably don't really need to know. I do know I wouldn't want to relive any of that part of life to find out the answer. I shall just be okay with accepting it is what I am comfortable with.

[Treasur]

You write so well, MD, that this isn’t the first time I have found myself recognising  something you write as something familiar that I had not found words for. I think our BD timings may be similar, even though are circumstances are different, so it looks like that darned Time thing may play a part lol.

I don’t talk - or think often - about my former h. If I do, it is bc old mutual friends (who still seem to find what happened strange and inexplicable) ask something like if I have heard anything about him or heard from him. Or I am telling one of those ‘I remember when’ anecdotes that pop up in casual conversation.  It is rare though and I use his name or call him my former h. There was a time when like Nas said, it was more ‘he who shall be nameless’ and for some strange reason my xh did feel like a possessive of something I didn’t own, that did not belong to me. The divorce as opposed to my divorce works the same way. But somehow ‘my former h’ seems to speak to my past and my life when I did have a role filled called husband….odd.

What resonated with me though is that slightly surprised feeling of things that no longer hurt. I can feel a little sad about it, still a little bemused at how I got from old there to that there, but it does not hurt now. Perhaps it is just overwritten by the real and remarkable gift of getting from that there to this here 

I also nodded at the tangible difference between the kind of triggers that I think of as echoes and the PTSD flavoured ones.

One of the biggest differences - apart from how they physically feel in my body - is that the former feel to me like they are about others and more external whereas the latter are about me and definitely internal. So, for instance, I had a big number birthday recently and, along with all the lovely bits, there were some echoes that made me feel a little sad that I could not share my birthday with my parents or the person who used to be my partner as I used to do. But these feelings, that seem very normal to me after loss, are entirely different from the PTSD ones that almost always left me feeling like a beached fish. And they did not come with that exhausting aftermath of self doubt or vulnerability or unease. Chalk and cheese.

One of my best birthday gifts strangely - and I know you and others here will get this in a way that others in RL do not - was being sat on a train en route to a fancy lunch in London hosted by a chum and suddenly realising how content I felt. No racing heart, no gasping breath at the top of my chest, no ghosts, no anxiety at all….just me, a good book and the chug chug noise of a train. What was even stranger was that I seem to have acquired a kind of beginner’s eye, almost a child’s eye, on things and places that used to be very familiar…..it was the oddest feeling of seeing things like they were new to me without the overlay of PTSD I suppose. Plus of course some things were new bc the world didn’t stop just bc I did for a while 

That felt like a tremendous birthday gift to me.

I also want to wish your parents well on their anniversary celebrations. When I was in the deepest darkest grass of grief about losing my own family, it was such a comfort to me to hear stories about yours. I think perhaps it reminded me of what had been real in my own family life at a time when I couldn’t touch it, how normal it is to care and be cared about like that, so it was like a kind of long distance hug. Thank you for sharing them with us virtually.

[MourningDove]

Thank you, Treasur. 

My parents had a lovely anniversary and it was nice to have everyone together for that event. It was low key and that was what they really wanted. The restaurant's staff was truly amazing and D picked up the cakes we ordered on our way to their house afterwards. It was an easy day for everyone and my parents were happy to have all of us together, especially since this Thanksgiving it will not be the case. My sister and her family are traveling. S is not sure what the schedule as, as he has not been informed. D's BF is having surgery prior to the holiday, so it is really just D and I with my parents this time around, which is so very unusual.

I took time off last week - at least I attempted to  I still found myself not able to free myself completely from being pulled in different directions, aside from the times I snuck around and didn't let most people know what I was truly doing. I am convinced that at the moment the only way I am ever really going to be able to get uninterrupted time away is if I go away for a time.

This week has been draining, which might account for me being a bit more sensitive to having a trigger that is just bubbling under the surface. It is a PTSD type of trigger and I recognize it and then a couple of additional things piled on last night. One was S informing me Xh was going away last minute and S was going to watch the psycho dog for the weekend. It was not the dog watching that rattled me more. It was where Xh is going. In the grand scheme, I really am not upset about it, but it did jar me a bit more because it simply piled on the trigger which I was in the midst of trying to really work through. Then D came home and was teary eyed and I wondered what was in the air.

D's tears were complicated. She had asked for reference letters for her grad programs. The one person she asked was her physical therapist. The road to that physical therapist, I now realize was truly a gift. D's initial injury and the complications from that came at the worst possible time, as it was just before BD #2 and Xh was already checked out as a father. He came to the hospital the day of the surgery with D and I, but he didn't stay at the hospital during the surgery. He came back to pick us up and take us home and refused to go the pharmacy on the way home. I recall telling him one of us would have to go and he begrudgingly waited at home with D. He was outside pacing when I arrived and as soon as I got out of the car he was off, no doubt to see Schmoopie. 

It would be one of many times he pulled stunts like that. Later it would be him refusing to attend her cross-country meets because she wasn't running. Then again, he never had gone in the first place, when prior to that I can't recall him ever missing any game or performance or open house when the kids were growing up. Nope. OW was all he could focus on, like a lovesick teenager.

D was pulled out of school and tutored most of that year. It was hard for her. Her days were filled with physical therapy, etc. Xh showed up to one therapy visit and proceeded to try and start an argument with me and I was keenly aware of us being in front of large plate glass windows where the whole practice could see us. I made him move away from the windows so as not to create some spectacle, but by then, D had seen it and it is a moment that I still can recall vividly.

That physical therapy practice specialized in sports medicine and they were excellent, but it would be months later when one of the therapists realized D had something else going on with that injury that was out of their specialty and recommended a different practice. And they were right, as the doctors confirmed D had experienced a very complex injury that required a whole other level of physical therapy. It completely took running away from her. That crushed her. That was something she had loved since she was little. This new therapist took over and at first D was apprehensive of his approach. He knew it would take time for he and his staff to get her to trust them. They came to realize that some of D's lack of progress was in her own head and I remember he once asked me if there was something else going on with her. His practice is more of a mind and body approach. It was not like they tried to play counselor, but they were mindful of the other things going on in her life. The progress, physically has been very slow.

The doctor visits were on going. D knew the doctor's schedule better than he did. It was a running joke in the office. She knew which office he was in and when because of the countless visits. The PT practice adopted her like one of their own and when they found out she wanted to go into PT, they have been her biggest cheerleaders.

D has been going there since 2016. They have become like a surrogate family to her. She doesn't go nearly as often, but after being rear-ended in a car accident earlier in the year, she found herself back there again.

She told me last week she has been quietly training for her first 5K since her injury. It is a huge thing. I have played it down, as I don't want her to feel pressure of any kind. I have offered to take her, but only if she wants someone at the finish line, as her BF will be recuperating from  surgery that day. She has told me she will let me know. I have kept it to myself, but I have secretly been so excited for her. For her be able to run again, is a joy. The pain she is left with is manageable and she has accepted it will always be there. She has worked on strength training and knows how much she can push herself safely. It is not about winning a race for her. She just wants to be able to run.

Yesterday though, was not about the race. It was that she informed me she had asked the owner of the practice to write her a letter of recommendation for graduate school. She didn't want to know what he wrote, and he respected that. However, he did reach out to her after he submitted the letter. D read it to me and I too teared up. The truth of the matter is, he is a wonderful father to his kids and a loving husband. He has been in D's life more consistently than her own F and he has sometimes been like a F to her in that she has sometimes asked him for advice, etc. He has been this wonderful role model and I laughed several times over the years when he would kick her in the backside and tell her to knock it off if she was being ridiculous. I have had great admiration for him for a long time, as he is just a really good person.

The email he sent yesterday was to tell D that he is proud of her and she should realize that no matter what, she has over come so many obstacles and has persevered when sometimes she just wanted to quit. He told her that he and his staff have been so very blessed to have been able to witness her growth.

It made me so proud and happy for her but probably piled on to my trigger, in that I know that letter is a double edge sword for D. The feeling of being tossed aside has been hard for her to shake at times.

My trigger, is more of finding myself feeling not good enough. It is very bizarre how these things bubble up. I am working through it. It makes me mad that it is even a feeling I am having. Stupid triggers.

[UrsaMajor]

The email he sent yesterday was to tell D that he is proud of her and she should realize that no matter what, she has over come so many obstacles and has persevered when sometimes she just wanted to quit. He told her that he and his staff have been so very blessed to have been able to witness her growth.

It made me so proud and happy for her but probably piled on to my trigger, in that I know that letter is a double edge sword for D. The feeling of being tossed aside has been hard for her to shake at times.

My trigger, is more of finding myself feeling not good enough. It is very bizarre how these things bubble up. I am working through it. It makes me mad that it is even a feeling I am having. Stupid triggers.

These last 3 bits .... SO many things come to mind, among them being that, in some aspects, D is fortunate to have someone like the doc and the staff in her corner despite her ..... (many NSFHS unkind names come to mind here) .... tossing her aside like he did with the rest of you all.... S is still useful to him (witness caring for the psychodog) but D isn't as she calls him out on his poop and that means accountability which he (like all Mid-Lifers) is NOT interested in knowing anything about.

As far as your own trigger.... all I can ask is why? Often, we  LBS's have this secret .... I don't know.... let's call it "guilt?" that we couldn't carry the whole show alone or that we couldn't make up for the failings/shortcomings/absentism of the Mid-Lifer but, well, there is / was only one of us and we were also not exactly unaffected by the way the Mid-Lifer behaved. We too were trying to find our way out of the infinitesimal pit of despair that we had been tossed into rather unceremoniously by the capricious and malicious actions of the Mid-Lifer.... We do the best we can, we did the best we could and, unlike the mid-lifer, we chose to learn and grow  and deal with the consequences instead of escape and avoid. We chose to be accountable, we chose to be responsible. Did we do everything perfectly? Were we able to accomplish what we would have been able to accomplish if the Mid-Lifer hadn't gone bat-snot off-the-rails crazy and done all the incomprehensible stuff they did? No, of course not ... But the bottom line is that we did the best we could with the resources that we had at hand at the time and we can look back at the face in the mirror and tell ourselves that we done good.... .

The fact that the GWPWELFV is off to someplace strange (I can hazard a guess as it is mid-November and he does tend to be predictable in these things) just proves that he is still DEEP in the tunnel and that is NOT someone who D could even begin to rely on, let alone begin to rebuild a relationship with. He is not interested because he is not interested in accountability or consequences.....

I wish D all the best with the upcoming 5k. Finishing will be a major boost and a milestone on her way back from the injury.

Daughter is reflecting mom.... Indomitable spirit, undeterrable drive.... the path to the end may not be as straight or as easy as hoped for or planned but the goal(s) will be accomplished.....