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Author Topic: My Story Sometimes the finish line is just the start of somethin' new

M
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I want to clarify when I said he was a better man when with me. I did not make my XH a better man. He just was a better man with me than he is now. We were very similar to you and your H as a couple. People respected us as a  power couple also. What I meant by him being a better man was that he respected himself more when he was with me ( well until the cheating obviously) but the man he is now has no character or morales.

The biggest issue I have with him now is being an absent father and grandfather. He is also with a OW/wife that enables him and doesn't  encourage a relationship with his kids.  If it was someone else telling me their story I would be disgusted in their husband. I still cant’t believe this is who he has become, yet now I totally accept it. If that makes sense. I also feel like you. I feel horrible that my kids will not see or talk to their Dad tomorrow. I have taken down all social media over a month ago. I have found much more peace in it. Although I am very fortunate my XH was nevwr on any social media. I wish I could say the same for his  wife.
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There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Indefatigability - determined to do or achieve something; firmness of purpose
perspicacity- a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
June 2022 XH bring OW to meet family due to xMIL illness
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife
May 2024 xMIL visits XH/OW in their new home
Aug 2024 cut relations w/XH fam.
Dec 2024 D33 expecting baby ( XH not told)

M
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MadLuv - I understand what you are getting at.

My issue with someone saying my Xh was better with me is really more of an issue I have. It stems largely from a relationship I had when I was in high school through college. I was the reason someone was "better" with me. I cared deeply about him, but it became too much to be the reason someone was able to behave.

My boyfriend at the time was not strong enough to be true to his core - that is he gave into peer pressure. He was 4 years older, and I was this quiet freshman. His friends gave him such a hard time about dating what they deemed a goody-two shoes and nerd. He never drank or did drugs around me, ever. He respected me and knew I liked to have fun, but partying all weekend and waking up to a hangover that lasted for days was something that to me seemed like a waste of my life. I never kept him from doing what he did, I simply said I wanted no part of it. His friends would call me and it upset him terribly but he wasn't even strong enough to tell them off. They would call me and they expected to scare me or upset me. I would see them in the hallways later and they could not believe this little freshman didn't give a damn about their opinion of me. It would be years later that one of them apologized and said they were jerks and it rattled them that they couldn't get me to bend or break.

I had hoped my boyfriend would go off to college and find people who saw his worth and help him find his own strength. That hope that he would be in his chosen field and find that inner worth. Unfortunately, he moved into a dorm and in a need to be accepted, he aligned himself with a group that was all about partying. He didn't care about the partying, that was the funny part. It was that he wanted people to like him. He was afraid to be himself. I knew back then it was because his father had abandoned him at 3 years old and never came back. Even though he had a wonderful man that became his "F" - that FOO issue was always hanging over him. I just didn't attempt to fix it. I never blew sunshine up his backside nor did I give him a reason to somehow think I would abandon him. It was something I later learned that he journaled about later in life. My reasons for letting go were that I realized while I cared about him, if I stayed in and somehow allowed myself to be the reason he was "better" - whether by being his GF or by remaining his friend, he had no reason to get stronger on his own. Being the reason he was "better" was draining me and I also seemed to know what was unfolding.

It was a very hard thing to walk away from - his friendship. Not the part about being my BF. But, I missed his friendship. I wanted him to fly on his own and live a good life. Instead, over the years I would hear about his life and it was sickening to me. The partying life collided with his regular life and grew into a coping mechanism. Which lead to him going down a path that would find him breaking laws, etc. I would later run into his sister when he had celebrated his 40th birthday. She was so happy to see me and told me ha had finally gotten himself on the right path. It wouldn't last long and not because of addictions. He died tragically a couple of years later in a manner that haunted me in many ways.

When he died, Xh was in MLC and I was often told I made Xh better. I think part of that phrasing made me somehow feel like I was being blamed for Xh's crisis - as if I had any control over it.

Being someone's reason for being better - for me - is too much. I don't want to be the reason someone is better. I am not judging anyone else at all. I think it is just one of those sensitive areas I will always have. My friend dying was not my fault nor could I have ever fixed it for him. I was thinking about it this past week a lot. I had a strange twist of fate - something no one will ever tell me was just coincidence that I now wonder if it was meant to happen to let me know it wasn't my fault that he went down that path.

I had never met this former BF's son, but he had an accident in front of my house. I opened the door to see this young man who reminded me of someone and it wasn't until later, when I found out who it was that I knew why it was familiar. There stood a kid, all of 17 who looked like the same young man who would come to pick me up for a date. The young man was driving his F's car and hit a large animal, totaling the car. It would be days later, when I saw my former BF's sister that I found out the former BF had died that night and the kid was on his way home from the hospital. I have journaled about it before, but it was this week and the discussion about "better" that maybe made me forgive myself completely. I couldn't fix him. I never wanted to. I just wanted better for him.

I wanted better for Xh. I still do, but I just don't want him back.

I spent the past few days with my parents on a road trip. I was alone a lot, since my parents were worn out and we were back at the hotel very early. I spent time sitting outside by the pool and reading and just "being". Maybe it was about letting go of some little remnants of guilt that still remained. I found myself wanting to let go of as much of the remaining pieces as possible. I made some decisions that I put into motion a few minutes ago.

I have no desire to get rid of every bit of XH that is in terms of I am not out to burn wedding pictures or those historical things. They may not be out in the open or something I need to somehow pull out and go over and over. There are no shrines being built. I just am okay with having some history in my life. It wasn't all bad and it is in my history. I also have kids that I don't want them to think that somehow it was always bad. It wasn't. That is also their history. I won't rewrite it. Yet, there are things that have been in the house that I really have had not dealt with for a variety of reasons.

I texted Xh and out and out asked him if he wanted some specific books. They really are his books - as he had a hand in their design and such when he worked with that company. I could have easily sold them and made a killing, I am sure. They are highly sought after. Neither kid knows the true background. I could have used them for my classes, but there has been something that has stopped me in part because it just injects Xh into my professional life again - it is silly but that is the way it makes me feel. I could have donated the books. Instead they sit in a box that I haven't dealt with. I made the decision to take a higher road and texted Xh to ask if he wanted them. Nothing more. No threats to me saying I would sell them, etc. Just "do you want these". He immediately responded yes, he would really love them and that was so very thoughtful of me. I then told him there was another item that I was sending with S in a couple of weeks and S has explicit instructions to give them to SIL's partner, as they mean the most to her. It was something we bought years ago at an estate sale for their former neighbor, who she adored. Xh said that he agreed they really belong with her and thanked me.

Now, this exchange is not some door I am opening. I am in fact closing the doors on the past by getting rid of these things. I have no plans to start texting Xh on some regular basis. I only did it to make sure the only part S plays in this is to be the one who delivers the box. I had toyed with having S ask Xh and I decided to make sure I stay true to making sure I don't put the kids in the middle of some communication. I won't do that.

S sort of laughed when I told him. He said "you know dad is going to ask me what is going on". I smiled and said I was sure he will. S knows what has pushed me and it is not some big plan, but more about my own feelings and needing to "clean house". I had said nothing, but S was quick to notice that my library had some new things on the shelves that were gifts. He smiled and said nothing at the time. I know he realizes that I am making new memories and things like books that mean nothing to me are taking up precious room for those new memories.

D leaves in a couple of weeks. S informed me he will be watching SIL's house for nearly 3 weeks starting after the 4th - at least that is based on the last dates floated. He joked I might change the locks while they are gone, as I might really like having the house to myself for some time. I told him not to give me any ideas - LOL

I love my kids, but yes, I am going to enjoy having a break.  ;)
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It's that new game in town - "What will the Mid-Lifer make of this!"

S is right, MLCxH will probably be monkey-braining but that is not your circus or your monkeys...

As far as the kids go.....

https://youtu.be/aGSKrC7dGcY
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Me - 61, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 17, D - 13
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Sometimes you just know when it’s time, don’t you?
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.


"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

M
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UrsaMajor - No, it is not my circus nor my monkeys. I am more like the zoo keeper at the house that sometimes feels like a zoo - LOL.

As for knowing it is time, yes, I think that was just the feeling. It is not that the books have been in the way, but they are still in my living space and they do take up the space. The decision to ask Xh was not something I batted around. It was a truly quick decision and one I didn't somehow go back and forth on. It was a "these have to go and I will ask the question and get an answer and move on" moment. I am not questioning myself about any of it. Maybe I should - LOL. IDK.

The truth is it felt good to just make it that simple. Ask him and then move on. There was a time when every moment I encountered Xh in any manner was torture in some manner. Painful or fraught with questioning myself. Should I? Shouldn't I? What if? Will my actions make him come back or run away? I can think of countless scenarios or questions I would have asked myself early in this journey that I now realize were in so many ways wasted energy in that during that time Xh didn't care one lick what I was feeling. He was on a mission to move out and start his new adventure. He was done with the marriage while I was still reeling from the news he wanted out.

My day has been anything but normal today. I was crying this morning and literally wanting to just lean against a wall and cry all day. I felt so defeated. I haven't really gone away in a long time on any type of vacation. Last year I went with D with my parents, but that was different. This time, while I was the "chauffeur" and I followed my parent's schedule and didn't go off on my own in terms of leaving them alone at the hotel, I did have time to myself. Time I could just sit by the pool, which is not something I normally do - and I had very few disruptions in terms of the kids needing things or being "on call". I had left work in good shape before I left at both places.

This. morning started with having to have my car towed to the dealership due to some horrible noise it is now making. Then my phone blew up and it would seem the artist who was supposed to install their show last week at the one gallery didn't finish and now that is up in the air. Paperwork that I asked about last week and the one office said they would chase wasn't a priority last week, but now suddenly they are panicked because it is a holiday next week.

The day I was supposed to have off became a full day of work remotely. The laundry I started this morning has yet to make it out of the washer into the dryer.

Then the mail came. Nothing of any great consequence except my electric bill came and I was completely perplexed by the tabulations. Hmmmm. I know my average bill and while I was thrilled that somehow I only owed $5 this month - which confused me to no end, but I thought maybe I over paid. Then as I went down the statement it claimed my last bill was over a $1,100 and I had a credit for $1,300. Oh? Gosh, I think I would have remembered something like that. So, another call to be made. I know the bill I had last month wasn't that much at all. No where near it and it has not been a month where I could even remotely come up with a scenario to have used that much additional electric. The company claimed it was a malfunction of the meter and I over paid last month by some so there was a credit and they made the proper adjustments. Let's just say that by the end of the call I wanted to just throw my hands up and cry "uncle".

Maybe it was the last call I had that set me back on the right mental path. This is just a hiccup. My car - who knows?Could be a little something or a big something. It could be covered by warranty. It might not be. I have to accept what is and can't change it. It just sometimes feels like I can't get ahead. I am tired of working so hard since Xh went off the rails. It is hard to have gone from living a very comfortable life monetarily to having that safety net ripped out from under me. I have fought so hard to regain grounds and I don't need much. I am usually content with so little.

I have those moments where I get angry and think maybe Xh has it figured out - LOL. You know, ditch all responsibilities and live it up. Reality hits and I realize what I would have to give up. In spite of all of the stress, I know what I would be walking away from. Okay, so the laundry won't get all done today. Big deal. I resolved other things and at least my car broke down close to home and not while I was away. I could have been dealing with it from several hundred miles away and D freaking out. She got home safe and we will see. I know the dealership will take good care of me. I am also glad it happened this week and not during the holiday week. I am telling myself it could have been worse and this is just one of those things. Something will give the other direction at some point. I just have to hang tight a bit.

I had planned on working on some paintings tonight, but that will be tabled. I know I am at the point where painting won't relax me at all and will result in more frustration than anything else. And, with the humidity, maybe it is just as well for tonight. Instead, I will find something else to keep me out of trouble. Maybe I will put those books in S's vehicle when he gets home. LOL
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Quote from: Mourning Dove
Then my phone blew up and it would seem the artist who was supposed to install their show last week at the one gallery didn't finish and now that is up in the air. Paperwork that I asked about last week and the one office said they would chase wasn't a priority last week, but now suddenly they are panicked because it is a holiday next week.

Ah yes... the good old "We didn't do our job so now YOU have to react accordingly" syndrome... Sort of like a Mid-Lifer on a commercial scale.... Actions = consequences....   AKA "Lack of Proper Prior Planning on your part will not necessarily invoke an emergency reaction on my part."

Quote from: Mourning Dove
I have those moments where I get angry and think maybe Xh has it figured out - LOL. You know, ditch all responsibilities and live it up. Reality hits and I realize what I would have to give up. In spite of all of the stress, I know what I would be walking away from.
You mean things like .... oh... I don't know..... Honesty? Integrity? Accountability? Reliability?  That is about it because Karma makes darn sure that the consequences will STILL come around, no matter how hard they run and hide and try to deny culpability for their actions...

Quote from: Mourning Dove
Instead, I will find something else to keep me out of trouble. Maybe I will put those books in S's vehicle when he gets home. LOL
  Should be about Wine o'clock, right? There's yer answer....

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Me - 61, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 17, D - 13
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

R
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MD, I was amazed at the story about the former bf, his death, and then his son showing up at your door. It was like a movie scene in my mind.
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M
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Quote from: Mourning Dove
Then my phone blew up and it would seem the artist who was supposed to install their show last week at the one gallery didn't finish and now that is up in the air. Paperwork that I asked about last week and the one office said they would chase wasn't a priority last week, but now suddenly they are panicked because it is a holiday next week.

Ah yes... the good old "We didn't do our job so now YOU have to react accordingly" syndrome... Sort of like a Mid-Lifer on a commercial scale.... Actions = consequences....   AKA "Lack of Proper Prior Planning on your part will not necessarily invoke an emergency reaction on my part."

That has been how the entire week has been so far - it would seem there is some trend this week. Unfortunately, these are becoming my problems because I am the one who is coordinating all of these things for the gallery and the college gallery. It has been like herding cats this week. Things out of my control in that I can't do the work for them. I am hating having to nag and chase things. It is causing a whole lot of heartache and headaches. It will pass. It is not unusual in the overall grand scheme, it happens - it is just that this week seems to feel like I can't catch a breath.

I did have good news on the car and it was actually really amusing. It was a simple fix and not a major problem, but there was no way to tell. It did give my dad and I a little excursion, as he drove me to pick up the car and I took him out to an old fashioned drive in diner where they have an area where they still will bring your food out to your car with some of the the wait staff on roller-skates. We didn't partake in that service, and chose to sit inside. It is one of those places that is very simple and my dad loves going there. So, for all of my complaining about the other stuff, it was fun.

That said, while he drove to and from the dealership, I was working on my computer putting out fires via email in the car. Not my idea of a fun drive. LOL

MD, I was amazed at the story about the former bf, his death, and then his son showing up at your door. It was like a movie scene in my mind.

Reinventing - It does sound like a movie plot, if I gel it down all of the years and interactions to that abbreviated version. It is all very odd when I look back and string it together. For instance the night his son came to the door, it is not like I looked at this kid and knew the connection. It was more of a "why does that kid seem so familiar" at first. I was busy calling 911 while my Xh went outside to wait with the kid. I wouldn't learn that it was my former BF's son until later and then the other details came in small bits, like the fact that he had gone to the hospital to say his goodbyes, etc. I learned much of this a couple of weeks later when I saw my former BF's sister. So, it wasn't exactly a Hollywood moment, but strung together it is a night that sort of haunts me at times because there were so many things that are hard to brush off as coincidental. The BF's sister is convinced that it was her brother's way of saying goodbye to me. IDK - I can't say for sure. I would like to think that is possible and for her, it brought her a strong sense of peace, tbh, so I will accept her explanation.

I have been told many times by people they don't have interesting stories like mine. I don't believe that is true. I just happen to recall some very strange things or find the absurdity in a whole lot. I also have paid a great deal of attention to things being someone who is visual. I see things sometimes other's don't.

For instance, last week while I was with a colleague of mine on a bit of a field trip I was sitting in the passenger seat of the car and at a stop light. We were not in a residential area nor a particularly populated area either. We were at the stop light for several minutes when the passenger door of the car ahead of us opened and an older man just got out and started walking into a field. There was no shouting, or any fanfare. He didn't look like he had say dementia or was confuse. He just got out and my colleague and I looked at each other and burst out laughing because there was no distress. It simply looked like he decided to take a walk. We spent several minutes coming up with scenarios. Of course this colleague has a background in creative literature so it was even funnier to both of us.

I think we all have interesting lives or stories. IDK - maybe I am wrong and I just have lived a very weird life - LOL

Not all of my week has been utter madness. I do have a line on a possible commission which is intriguing me. I had a conference call this morning with a cabinet maker and the potential client. We will see where it goes. I have a whole lot of research to do before I say yes. It has a decent lead time and based on the conversation with the cabinet maker, I am pretty confident this is doable. I am not ready to just say yes, but my gut is telling me right now it feels like a good idea. That said, I have learned that sometimes that feeling in my gut is excitement in these cases and I have to make sure that I am not letting my excitement overrule my more practical and business minded side.

Now if only I could get this week to slow down a little - just a smidge - LOL
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Here you go....

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Me - 61, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 17, D - 13
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

M
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UrsaMajor - that clip sums up what herding cats would look like.

It has been a stretch since I have posted, it seems. I have had moments where I have considered it, but then found myself pulling back. Maybe it was what needed to happen in that, I honestly needed to refocus my energies a bit. For one, it is hard enough at times to push the MLC to the background of my life. BD was years ago now and it no longer hurts the same way, but the triggers do sometimes creep in and that is something that I have had to accept may always be there in some form. The difference is now I recognize them quicker and can usually work through them quickly. If anything, they surprise me more now when they happen.

The summer flew by, in part because I was able to spend more time with a certain someone in my life. My sister introduced him as my BF to a group and then sort of paused, concerned maybe that was not a comfortable term. It is in essence what I call him when asked, but it seems like a strange term to use at my age, and divorced, yet I am not a fan (for myself) of some of the other terms people use. The label is not important in the grand scheme, that is, I know that there is no one else I am even remotely interested in and our time together, while not as frequent as perhaps I sometimes wish for, is easy and comfortable, yet not in some mundane way. It is comfortable in that for the first time in what seems like forever, there is no pressure for me to be anyone but myself. I do miss him more now than I did before when we are apart and that is a bit jarring for me, I will admit. I never expected that to be a feeling that would ever exist again for another person. At BD no one would have ever convinced me that my feelings would change for Xh and I could be really happy with someone else.

The truth of the matter is, detaching was the best thing for me. It was a hard decision to finally make for me. Going against my own beliefs about marriage and somehow trying to reconcile in my head what had happened to the man I knew and loved was a very long journey. I know with every fiber of my being now though that staying with Xh and somehow trying to ride it out would have completely destroyed me mentally and physically, not to mention the financial fallout. He did not care, nor does he seem to care now.

I have found myself referring to Xh by his name more and more. I found that when I referred to him as "my Xh" it seemed to close for me. The more time I spent with the person in my life now, the more it felt odd - for me  and no one else - to have Xh seem like a close person when I used the word my next to him. He was once "my" person. He is in my past, but that pesky word "my" bothered me. It seems silly, but I realized that in order to move past my own hang up about it, I needed to try and eliminate that possessive aspect for myself. It strangely helped me detach more.

Now, when I say I have detached more, it doesn't mean I somehow have banned any mention of him. I didn't have one of my famous bonfires and burn his things or memories of him. I did clean out more things that no longer have a place in my life that were his or ours, but most were just things that maybe were decorations, etc. There were no tears. No fanfare. I found new homes for them after first asking the kids if they wanted them.

I had a weird trigger that I haven't had in a long time and it revolved around the start of school. The first day of school for 2 years in a row I had been hit with BDs - 1 & 2, followed by my finalized divorce papers arriving the third year the first day of that school year. It took some serious work to move past that trigger in the past, and I had shaken it - so I thought. Unfortunately, there were a couple of other things that simply piled on and I was a little rattled. The fact that I was triggered is what shocked me more than anything and I admit it made me pretty emotional. But the emotions were really more about being angry and upset with myself for being knocked down by it at all after so many months.

Summer and fall have not been without some Xh interactions. I have not seen him, but he contacted S and asked to borrow S's trailer awhile back. S asked me if it was okay. That made me laugh and I asked why would I care? S said Xh would have to come and pick it up and Xh was concerned I would maybe find it awkward. S and I both laughed when I responded "only if he makes it awkward". I told S that I wasn't going to run and hide, but Xh should not expect some invite in for dinner either. If I had seen him, so be it. I would not be unkind and said to S that I was more concerned about it being awkward for he or D. S ended up delivering the trailer because he had to be in that part of the region for a work related job. Now S is aggravated because Xh seemed in a rush to borrow the trailer, but has yet to return it or even use it.

D tried to yet again be the one to reach out and present an olive branch. She and S went on a trip and she came across some of Xh's favorite candy, which is hard to find. S delivered it and Xh right away thanked S, who said it was not from him. Xh reached out to D and said thank you. She opened the door for him and he peaked through and then has promptly slammed it shut again. She gave him an easy in. No pressure on her end, but clearly it is too much for him. He proceeded to go away the next week and asked S to watch the cottage and psycho dog and never once mentioned it to D. S assumed that Xh and D were back to talking. Needless to say S felt bad when he was the one that mentioned Xh had gone on a road trip.

Then came the shock that I am still trying to wrap my head around as are both kids. On his trip he decided to get a tattoo. That would not have really shocked me. The giant tattoo on his back was a shock. S only showed me when we were discussing something else and it opened up the opportunity to share it with me. He in fact asked me if I could guess whose tattoo it was. Yah, I had no clue. Now, it seems Xh is planning on a full back tattoo, which had S scratching his head last night and saying to me that was not on his Bingo card. Mine either. Gotta admit.

I think the most frustrating thing to come up happened last night. I have had some very unexpected expenses that really cut into my little bit of savings deeply and I was already frustrated. Bouncing back from this financial mess that was directly related to the MLC months and in part by me not putting the brakes on any of it has been a battle. And I do realize I probably wouldn't have been able to it anyways, since by the time I realized what was going on it was like trying to stop a runaway freight train. It is funny when life now kicks me financially, I get frustrated but it is nothing like last night's frustration that zapped my energy immediately.

I had come home from work and was worn out. I had been very busy and thought missing a step at work was a good idea and fell down the small flight of stairs. I was banged up, but not hurt badly. Today, I am just achy and have friction burns in a couple of spots from the fall. Nothing serious. Just felt stupid. So, I came home and was trying to relax. Then D informs me the internet wasn't working properly. I addressed that and had to call back again today. Then another question and some other stupid issue. I sort of laughed and figured it was not the night to take on any big tasks. As D was making dinner, she paused and said that S wasn't going to tell me, because he took care of it, and didn't want to upset me. It would seem that S went to pay a medical bill for his recent Dr visit and they informed him that he had a past balance from 2016 of $400. I was processing the whole thing and then D said the reason S didn't say anything to me was because that was during the divorce months. S would have been 18.

Let's just say I was beyond upset. I was upset because it is part of the mess of funds Xh was supposed to take care of. Just like the taxes he neglected to deal with at that time and I ended up paying. It made me feel so incredibly stupid for not knowing this existed and embarrassed. I try so hard to be responsible, even when I don't want to be. It feeds into the narrative that Xh used that I was the one who ran up credit cards and destroyed our finances. He sold that story to all who would listen. So here I was feeling like I somehow have just proven him right. I know - it is not necessarily the reality, but I was mortified. I was upset S was left to clean up a mess that should not have been his to clean up. Yes, he is an adult, I realize, but that time period was so tough for all of us. I felt bad he felt like has to protect me from the mess.

I went to bed last night feeling shame that I really shouldn't have felt in reality. That whole time period, I was lucky I was functioning at all. I have already forgiven myself for only being able to just get up and go to work most days.

This morning D and I went out to deliver a piece of artwork of mine that was accepted into an exhibit. We stopped at the coffee shop and she pushed me aside when I went to pay for our order. She shook her head and said it was on her. She said she realized last night that I am the reason she and S have a roof over their heads and I have kept my promise to both of them to help them get on their feet so they can have some stability. S has been able to make some good financial moves that will help him in the long run and D is able to focus on grad school applications and deciding her next move. As we drove home she said she sees that she and S do help around the house, but maybe they both need to contribute in other ways too.

Maybe it is what needed to happen. IDK. I am still licking my wounds over it all. I have to have S get me a copy of the statement, because I simply want to know what the bill is even for, considering I carried the health insurance at that time. I suspect it has something to do with immunizations and such for college, but it is frustrating.

Part of the frustration is wrapped up in my own feelings of embarrassment. I am still working through those feelings. It is not just the financial embarrassment right now. It is also that I am angry that the MLC BS just reappeared. When will that just stop haunting me?

On the plus side - at least it is just sporadic and not a constant. If anything it reminds me when I feel this way, that this is how I felt for months when MLC was just a daily event. I couldn't get any footing. I cannot imagine feeling this way daily and it amazes me that I survived at all. Maybe I just needed a reminder.  ::)
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