[Helpnewc]

Thank you. I agree with all of it.

It is easier to intellectualise than to deal with the emotion of it.

[Helpnewc]

You do wonder how anyone ever comes out of it.

They surround themselves with people who agree with them and they genuinely believe the story they are telling the stories they are telling myself.

I have now been calm and kind for many months. Yet there is no sign of change. I look back at how I thought I would endure for 3
months, then 6 months and now 18 months and I think how foolish I was.

I probably lengthened it a bit by the anger at the beginning in my confusion. The hardest part she is back with everyone but me.

Other tell me this is common but it makes it no easier to endure.

But I probably won’t have to much longer.

[KayDee]

You do wonder how anyone ever comes out of it.
I probably lengthened it a bit by the anger at the beginning in my confusion. The hardest part she is back with everyone but me.

Dear Help - a couple of things. I really doubt you lengthened things with your very normal reactions. If you did, then the logic stands that you could also shorten it, but that's highly unlikely too. Only she can do that, alas. I basically let me H go from the outset. I was kind, patient and showed compassion, but I gave him complete freedom. He has just gone into phase two of demolition. Nothing I did, or didn't do. This is how he thinks he can make himself happy.

You think she is back with everyone, but you don't really know the intricacies of other relationships, and it may help you not to fixate on them so much. Everything looks different closer up, but you are currently on the sidelines. Sorry, but analysing all this won't help you heal. She may, or may not come out of it. There's no fixed formula, only a mix of her strength and willingness to confront her issues. Hopefully she will, but as a friend said to me, you need to leave space in your mind that you may never know the answers.

[Helpnewc]

Thanks Kaydee,
Don’t try to understand it. And you may be right. It does seem like our life has returned to how it was sans any relationship with me. While that is hard, it is how it is.

And I guess I was her closest relationship and in her mind the one that failed her the most. I do understand that there is absolutely nothing I can do.

[Helpnewc]

It is so weird. Occasional moments of normalcy. But only for moments.

It takes time to realise you are not the monster they say you are. There is something about us as humans that makes us believe we can influence others more than we can.

I was in trouble for asking my youngest for a hug. Perhaps I have done it too often. It is the only cuddles I get. My wife said she feel pressured. I said I will stop asking and agreed. I got you are so hard to talk to because I simply agreed. I asked what else I was meant to do.

She came home and asked my about wether my eldest had lunch. I said that I had asked her and she said not yet. Then I was told a simple no would have sufficed.

I would not treat my worst enemy the way I am being treated. It is so very odd.

[Treasur]

Well, yes.
It’s like waking up in Alice in Wonderland, isn’t it? Without the fun bits 

Help, I think you are going to have to start working harder to tell yourself that her opinion does not matter. Or not to you. Not of how you parent, not of how you reply to a factual question, not of what she thinks about you or the price of cheese. Stop apologising, stop taking the bait, stop listening to her opinions. Try to see that she is manipulating and weoponising these simple interactions and that normal decent people don’t do that. Learn to shrug and walk away. Find a word in your head to use that helps you do that….Whatever, Meh, Blah blah, not my problem. Use silence, don’t chase the ball. (And be very aware of any agenda she might have about claiming you are a poor parent….take legal guidance on this, document the necessary things, let your kids speak for themselves rather than letting your wife tell you what they think, be aware of ways in which you might inadvertently be using your kids as either a temporary comfort blanket or a connection to your wife)

On a practical note, where are you in the legal process? How much longer until you are no longer living under the same roof? What arrangements are in place for you to spend time with your kids right now without her being around?

[UrsaMajor]

I was in trouble for asking my youngest for a hug. Perhaps I have done it too often. It is the only cuddles I get. My wife said she feel pressured. I said I will stop asking and agreed.

Ask your youngest directly. Do NOT take you Mid-Lifers word for anything....

Q: "Do you know how to tell when a Mid-Lifer is lying?"
A: "Their lips are moving."

It could be projection, it could be manipulation, it could be a means to drive a wedge between you and your kids ("See, he doesn't even hug you anymore. Are you sure you want to live with/spend time with him?" --> "See Judge, the kids don't even want to spend time with him." - Mid-Lifers are notorious for playing games like this)

I got you are so hard to talk to because I simply agreed. I asked what else I was meant to do.

PERFECT location for " I am sorry that you feel that way."  and leave it. Asking her what else you were supposed to do is like pointing to your back and telling her "Here is one place you haven't walked on with Golf Shoes yet. Please. Go ahead."

[Helpnewc]

Thank you both.

I talked to my daughter and made it clear I was not sad and I love her. She is a kind soul and has been hugging me because my eldest is behaving much like my wife. I do not want her to carry the burden of the destruction of my marriage.

In terms of her leaving, the financial material has been provided but she is not responding to the parenting proposal. She is unable to engage with being away from her children but that is part of what comes from this.

I will give her another week and invite her to a mediation. Her plan is to get the money, buy a house and give me minimal contact.


I am the source of everything wrong in her life. Even when I am not really in it.


The madness is tiring. But the only way forward is forward

[Helpnewc]

A little venting.

My daughter had her first sleepover. Her friend is shy so I gave them space. I said 3 sentence in 12 hours and that was mainly when they needed me to fix the tv for them.

They were playing Mario. My youngest was on a team by herself and asked me to play with her. I copped a text lecture about invading their space. It does your head in.


I remind myself it is not for much longer and she will leave and I will have a parenting arrangement. I am tired of fading into nothing.

I also know I honoured my daughter’s wishes. The insanity is bewildering.

[Biscuit]

Your child asked you to join her team on a video game… and you did, just like any decent dad would.

Ignore the noise, no reasonable parent would criticise the other parent, whether still living and parenting together or co parenting apart, for stepping into a computer game to support and have fun with their child.  Recognise it for the nonsense it is.

It’s very hard to wrap your head around the BS, esp in the early days. If it seems nonsensical to you, then it’s probably nonsense that has as much to do with your behaviour as harvesting crops in rural China (unless you are currently in a Chinese paddy field harvesting rice)