Hi hopeful5,

The big question is how are you reacting? How are you making sure your and kids wellbeing is not compromised in this abusive enviroment. 

The best I can do right now is no contact. The most peace our family can have is for us to not communicate at all, which is still incredibly broken and dysfunctional. As far as boundaries, I've told her and the kids that her behavior is unacceptable, but she doesn't give a sh%$.  I've tried communicating important info via text/email, but she won't even answer those.  She literally acts like I don't exist. I've been waiting for her to serve the D papers but nothing yet. She paid a legal retainer in Feb.  If at all possible, I want her to be the one to file for the divorce and take the angry fallout from the kids. This is ALL her deal. I do have my limits though, and I won't let things drag on forever like this...

It's not healthy for this type of abuse to go on.
The kids will either take abuse like this when they are older or dish it out thinking it's love.
Abuse isn't love.
Emotional abuse might be common but you do not have to put up with it. MLC or whatever her issue is there is no excuse for abuse.
You didn't do anything to cause it. No one deserves to be abused

I completely agree. This is the most absurd thing I've ever experienced. The kids are so confused right now, because they see how she treats me, but then she blames me for it all. They love their mom and me. It's all a total mindfu$% for them.

Omfg Hopeful do you know my wife?   You just described her to her core.  It’s scary accurate. 

I’ve been dealing with this mental torture for over 2 years.   I have more good days than bad these days, but every now and again she still manages to get her claws in me. 

Sadly this seems to be all too common with MLC'ers.  The mental damaged caused by this is unreal, and at times its all so subtle -- rude and disrespectful behavior just picking away at your soul. The saddest part is the kids. My W used to be an amazing mother, and she still thinks she is.  Garbage like this is destroying the kids idea of marriage and her relationship with them. It's already completely destroyed her relationship with our oldest.

I think I've come to terms with the fact that this is the way it is. She's changed and most likely will never return to the sweet, loving W that I was married to for 23 years. I'm also accepting that her behavior is ABUSE, highly toxic and has created a terrible environment to live in. My kids are being taught that this is normal, and it's not okay.

We are all very sorry that this has happened to you. Right now, you are still in love with the man you knew and nothing we can say can ease that heartbreak. If we could, we would, bc we have all been there.

You don’t say how old you are? In your 30s? Without diminishing how you feel right now, or the seriousness of your commitment to the relationship, there are some blessings. As in it said, you are not navigating this through the rubble of children or decades of a legally entwined life. Right now, that’s not going to feel like much comfort but in time you will see that it is.

I don’t know if your partner is an MLC situation or just an unfolding of poor character. Hell, I’m not even sure about my own xh, so I’m in no position to judge your situation lol! Each LBS here tends to need a good chunk of time to work that out for themselves. What I will say though is, regardless of that, the medicine is much the same…..accept current realities as they are, lick your wounds, step far away from things that cause you any more damage and step towards things that make you feel even 1% better as long as they don’t create more chaos for you or anyone else. Breathe. Take your time. Do nothing reactively bc feelings are not fixed. Be kind to yourself. And let yourself get to the point when you can get in your bones two simple things….that his actions, MLC or not, are about who he is not who you are….and that there are limits to what any of us can control or influence wrt others, and thus what we should hold ourselves responsible for.

Thank you MLC50.

I think No.5 is a winner! And actually, as the brilliant ForTheTrees often told me - doing nothing is often a form of doing something. Resisting the baser urges? Rising above it? But also, perhaps you redeploy the energies you would have expended skulking around the airport, or writing a letter to OM's boss, into something positive. A treat for the kids? Work out exactly how long 1) would take you and purposefully spend that time doing something wonderful. Just a suggestion.

Final point, documenting their affair will put you slap bang into a drama triangle. And drama triangles can crank up the excitement of the affair. Better to let it become vanilla on its own 

Hey Peg!

I can totally relate to everything ready has said to you (he has been a great help in my journey as LBS)! I also had a young MLC'er (33 at time of BD) and a 1 year old daughter.

The only advice I can give you from personal experience is that you make sure you take care of you and your childeren! With the help of Hero Spouse I've made decisions early on in my journey that benifited that. For me that was making him decide between fighting for our marriage or leave after 3 months post BD and eventually divorcing him 5 months after BD and with that most of the custody of my daughter and owning our home.

It's incredibly sad and I still mourn the loss of my marriage and my family. But my xH is still nowhere near the end of the tunnel and with the decisions I've made and the boundaries I've put me and my daughter have an incredible stable life, emotional and financial.

You can always read my topics, maybe they help you! And if you ever want to talk you can DM me!